Category Archives: News

How To Tell If A Bird Has The Bird Flu

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SuperFLUous Bird

Birdeye, Arkansas – With the Avian Flu starting to spread its nasty wings, it might be helpful for us all to know the signs of a Sick Bird.

After months and months of careful research, the FM Observer has put together a fairly long short-list of the most common ways to identify a bird that may be carrying the dreaded Bird Flu:

1. Flies into walls and windows at full speed.
2. Just generally looks kind of “koo-koo.”
3. Spontaneous dry heave-tweeting.
4. Sits in bird bath eating off-brand chicken soup.
5. Calls in sick multiple times a day.
6. Uses too much beak lotion.
7. Unusual bleeding from the eyes.
8. Tries to mate with its own reflection.
9. Refers to all other birds as “Harold.”
10. Sings “Smoke On The Water” instead of its normal birdsong.
11. Nest is made entirely of Doritos.
12. Incessantly posts bird flu jokes on its Twitter account.
13. Repeatedly steals the Jehovah’s Witness propaganda from your doorknob.
14. Flies into a pharmacy looking for XanaX.
15. It flu North, when all its friends flew South.

If you notice a sickly bird manifesting any of these signs, first try not to panic, then immediately call your local Avian Flu Response Center Association and mention the Promo Code KTG723JWSKFYS3V2M.

Fargo Tops State With Seven I-94 Exits

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Fargo-FloodFargo, ND—The results are finally in! Fargo, for the eighteenth year in a row, was awarded the honor of Most Independent I-94 Highway Exits with an estimable 7.

ND Department Of Transportation Administrator Hifton Gasscage believes this to be the result of hard work and a little divine intervention. “We’re happy with these recent findings. Currently, there are no plans to add or remove any highway exits, but if it doth pleaseth the gods, thy shalt produceth the sturdiest of offeth-rampeth constructs.”

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The Gods

The Gods sent forth this ruling after the annual War Of Spring Solstice. Fargo was declared the ruling village in an epic Battle Of The Longroads, with Bismarck earning a revered second-place nod.

Fargo shall again wage battle against Bismarck at the dawn of the 2017 Summer Solstice. It is then that the Gods shall again make their will known.

Returned Diversion Assessment Ballots Being Used To Build Diversion

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dike pulp

All of your returned ‘NO’ ballots will be put to good use

Fargo, ND—Local property owners: Did you recently find a flood risk ballot in your mailbox asking you to help fund the FM Diversion project? Did you open it, read it, then furiously scrawl an X in the ‘No’ box and send it in? Then we have great news! You’ve officially done your part in getting the diversion built.

County assessors, after being completely inundated with paper, are creatively re-purposing the thousands of ‘No’ ballots towards the pending diversion construction project.

“This massive amount of paper is going to be recycled into dike pulp. It….uh…..that was our plan all along, actually,” stated FM Diversion project lead Thousman Van Biplemblaven. “We, um….we figured this would happen, so….we’re just gonna build part of the dike out of those papers. Everyone already voted no. There’s a buttload of paper.”

Officials loaded all the “dike pulp” inside an unused Hector International Airport airplane hangar until construction begins in the year 2187.

International Pi Day Is Here! How Are You Celebrating?

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International 3.141592653589793 23846264338327950 28841971693993751 05820974944592307 816406286……Day!

It’s March 14th, 2015! Did you know that this date holds significance for fans of a certain mathematical constant? 3/14/15 is International Pi Day. Those five numbers, in order, are the first five numbers of Pi (π), the ratio of a perfect circle’s circumference to its diameter! Was 9/11 an inside job?

This is a huge day for mathematicians and trigonometrists alike. If you were to ask Whackite Chlomsburger what the first 25 numbers of Pi are, he’ll recite them for you from memory. Some people think that the collapse of the Twin Towers was the result of a controlled demolition.

People all over the world today are baking pies, throwing pies, eating pies and donating pies to food shelters in honor of π. Blueberry, blackberry, apple, pumpkin–any flavor you can think of! Kurt Cobain didn’t kill himself.

3/14/15 only comes around once per lifetime. How are you celebrating International Pi Day? Let us know in the comments! Kurt Cobain was too blasted on heroin to even lift a shotgun that day.

Minnesota Tells Residents To Stick It To Fargo

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Minnesota State Fair to serve Fargo-On-A-Stick!

Fergus Falls, MN – Apparently not everyone in Minnesota loves Fargo as much as Fargo does.

Emotions seem to be running quite high after a Minnesota County Board made and seconded a motion to “Stick It To Fargo”.

All this comes at a major watershed moment for the rocky Minn-Kota relationship, which has seen some growing turbidity lately due to the controversial $1.8 billion Red River Diversion Project.

Minnesota’s hostile new campaign to “Stick It To Fargo” will unfortunately only muddy the waters and make matters worse, while Fargo considers its own reciprocal “Stick It To Minnesota” offensive.

Oceans Rising Faster Than Predicted: Millions Moving To North Dakota

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Icebergs continually washing up on beaches making surfing a real challenge.

Icebergs continually washing up on beaches making surfing a real challenge.

Cape Cod, MA – As Global Warming continues to melt the polar ice caps down to nothing, the oceans are rising faster than originally expected.

Dr. Alice Melton, who is the top scientist with Make Earth Less Troubled (MELT) says: “We are seeing the oceans rise a foot per year which is twelve times faster than we predicted a month ago.”

Dr. Melton believes that at this current rate of rise, all of the states on the East and West coasts of the United States will be at least three feet under water by this time next year.

All these people are moving to North Dakota!

All these people are moving to North Dakota!

“Not only are all the polar bears swimming around with no place to sleep, but millions of coastal Americans will be floating in salt water if they don’t quickly up and move to North Dakota,” she panics.

The North Dakota Director of Tourism, Archie Doorbell, responded this way: “Well ya, sure, you betcha! Don’t cha know we gots lots of land up here in these parts! But a million people? I’m thinkin’ that sounds like an awful lot? We’ll just have to see about that, then, there!”

FMO Reporter Describes Seeing A Ghost

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If seeing is believing, the I do believe in ghosts.

If seeing is believing, then I do believe in ghosts.

Hauntown, Iowa – Gabrial Aimes here, reporting from Hauntown, Iowa, at the very sight, where I just saw a ghost.

Yes, with my very own eyes, I saw the ghost, first go into this house behind me here, and then, the ghost subsequently exited the same house, about two minutes later, apparently heading off to the grocery store.

I would describe the ghost as tall, about six foot two, a seemingly transparent white look to it, and it was acting unusually skiddish, relative to other ghosts I’ve observed over my long and stellar career.

Of course, we will stay on this Breaking News story, for all our interested FM Observers, and let you know as soon as we have more information on the ghost, that was seen only moments ago, exiting that haunted house, right over there. Gabriel Aimes, reporting live, from here in spooky Hauntown, Iowa. Back to you, Dick!

No One Leaves Alive From This Fargo Haunted House

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This mansion is the pictorial definition of “Haunted”.

Fargo, ND – It’s the place everyone knows about, but no one talks about. Fargo’s Minister Mansion, as it is called, is thee most haunted house between Moorhead, Minnesota and Missoula, Montana. If you don’t know where it is exactly, ask any long-time Fargo resident who believes in God, but fears the undead.

Some of what we do know: A Methodist minister once lived in the home, until he mysteriously died one night, along with his entire family, and all their pets. Since then, it seems that no one who’s actually entered this haunted house has come out, alive.

Based on well-placed police surveillance cameras, every Sunday night there seems to be a gathering of some sort, inside the mansion, just as the minister who lived there had for all his church members every Sunday night.

Minister Mansion will soon be the subject of a new upcoming investigative reality mini-series on the FX Channel in which they will attempt to probe the haunted mansion by using hi-tech robots and drones.

Obituary: FM Observer Secretary Gertrude Clagbung

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News Of Yore: 27th May, 1899

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RIP Gertrude Clagbung (1866-1899). Stung to death by intestinal parasites.

The FM Observer is sad to report that the ravages of dysentery have claimed a valued member of our fake news agency. Our beloved secretary, Gertrude Clagbung, fought a short-lived battle with the Red Sickness, only to succumb to its evils just yesterday afternoon. She was a gorgeous and lively 33 years of age.

Gertrude, or “Gertie” as we so affectionately called her, was many things to many people. But to us, she was a superstar secretariat. Oh, the way she handled those editorials was nothing short of superlative.

Gertie got her start at FMO by a lucky turn of fate. One magical afternoon, our editor-in-chief witnessed ol’ Gertie standing on the sidewalk, eyes closed, just flailing her fingers wildly through the air. It was like she was typing away at nothing! Our editor sat her down at one of his typewriters and the rest is history.

She used to plow away on that typewriter like there was no tomorrow, editing content and re-formatting typefaces well into the night. Tap tap tappity tap–ding! That was the sound it made.

Gertrude is survived by her vast collection of hairless dolls, her pet boll weevil Jared, and a life-sized replica of herself made entirely of hair that she gleefully constructed out of a lifetime of hoarded haircuts.

Go forth into the uncharted blackness, dearest Gertie. RIP.

NASA Rocket Launch Bringing Two Of Every Species To The Moon

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Noah’s Rocket is full of animals!

Moonshine, Illinois – NASA has unveiled its new Noah’s Rocket designed to bring two of every animal species to the moon in a last-ditch effort to save the Animal Kingdom from an imminent world-wide cataclysm.

N.O.A.H. (National Operative Aerospace Hyperchamber) is making its maiden voyage from Moonshine to Cape Canaveral via big truck trailer. NASA will then procure a prolific specimen profile to propel into space aboard N.O.A.H. After which, N.O.A.H. is slated for launch from the Cape in September of this year.

Top secret intel gleaned by FMO shows that in the cargo bay area of Noah’s Rocket will be two of every animal from Planet Earth. During their short trip to the Moon, the in-flight movie will be Eddie Murphy’s Dr. Dolittle. Once safely on the lunar surface, all of the animal pairs will be handed over to the Chinese, who have already secretly established a Table Tennis Complex on the Moon. In addition to Ping Pong, they will be able to add a much anticipated Petting Zoo.

NASA is working hard to make N.O.A.H. a success. “Between now and the day we launch, if science discovers any more species, we’ll be sure to jam em in there,” remarked project lead Whackite Bangtowner. Bangtowner, a Supreme Biologist, noted that there is one animal species they have not yet included in the trip. “If you know any homo sapiens who want to be thrust violently into the moon along with the rest of Earth’s creatures, please, don’t tell Obama.”