New York Sinkhole Continues To Swallow Victims

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"Sinkhole to Hell" has a voracious appetite.

“Sinkhole to Hell” has a voracious appetite.

New York, NY – It started out as just a small pothole. Then it became a bigger pothole. Then it became one of the seven great wonders of New York.

A sinkhole the size of a New York intersection opened up in midtown Manhattan. Some call it the Hole To Hell. Some call it a death trap.

Rocco Pisano, who is in charge of Street Maintenance for the City of New York says: “Forget about it. We might just have to live with it.”

Nobody knows exactly how deep the sinkhole goes or how they would go about trying to fill it. Respected sinkhole expert Dr. Dennis Joska explains that “some of these stinkin’ holes can go down a frickin’ mile, and they really piss me off.”

In the meantime, New York shoppers and commuters (and taxi cab drivers) will have to steer clear of this deep problem. Rocco admits: “We don’t know zactly how many people or cars have been swallowed up by this monster of a hole. But we do know that more and more people go missing everyday!”

Blind Bowler Bowls Back-To-Back Perfect Games

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After he bowled a perfect 300 game, he went ahead and did it again!

Fargo, ND – You would have had to see it to believe it. Mr. Walter Lane of rural North Dakota bowled two perfect games in a row after entering a tournament on a dare.

His wife of fifty years, Edna Lane, dared him on a whim, to enter an upcoming bowling tournament “just for the heck of it”.

Of course neither Walter nor Edna expected much from it because Walter has been legally blind ever since Edna dared him to stare at the sun some years back. About that, Walter explains: “Well, I s’pose I shouldn’t have done it, but after she dared me, I went ahead and did it anyways. Wasn’t too smart, I guess.”

In spite of being blind, Walter somehow put together two perfect games of bowling. Bowling alley manager and retired bowling professsional Jim St. John recounts: “After throwing 12 straight strikes for the first 300 game, Walter proceeded to do the exact same thing again for his second perfect game. I could not believe my eyes!”

Asked what he plans on trying next, Walter responded: “I think we’ll give trap shooting a go, don’t cha know.”

Upworthy

Upworthy Headlines That Never Made The Cut

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Upworthy

Upworthy is a website that uses click-bait titles to drive people to click their links. These are some headlines that didn’t make the cut.

George had a cyst on his balls. You won’t believe what happens next.
Sam got run over by a train. What he didn’t say will shock you.
Sarah didn’t like her boyfriend. What she did to his genitals will make you happy.
Jim crapped his pants. The next sequence of events will disturb you.
She killed her husband. What the deceased man said next is jaw dropping.
He was addicted to drugs until a smiling elephant with a hat and a bow tie changed his life.
What this baby produces in his underpants will scar you for life.
Man sticks head in alligator. You will not believe why someone told him not to.
Man dresses like woman. Acts like a woman. Is he a woman?
Jon was helping Jim with his wardrobe malfunction. He put what where?
This is the greatest video to ever exist so watch it.
Everyone has secrets. See what this Alien had to say.
This tampon commercial will blow your mind.

New Crest Brownstrips Promise “Authentic British Smile”

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Fee, Fie, Foe, Fum, I want the smile of an Englishman!

Cincinnati, OH – As fans of Downton Abbey will tell you, Americans can’t get enough of the Brits these days.  It seems our country has fallen hard for all things English.  From their pompous literary intellect to their notoriously bad teeth, we’re in love.  And in America, where there’s love, there’s….you guessed it: a huge corporation looking for a cash cow.

Procter & Gamble hopes to have found just that with its newest product, Crest Brownstrips.  Similar to its popular Whitestrips, Crest’s Brownstrips offer customers a whole new experience in what marketers are calling “customized enamel expression”.  Instead of whitening the teeth, Crest Brownstrips are designed to give the user’s smile a more British look by “antiquing” the enamel to a yellowish-brown color in just two weeks.  “You’ll see some flecks of gray mixed in with the ochre tones,” says product designer, Jillian Stanes.  “We’ve even included a unique blend of botanicals which will give the teeth a sort of gummy look as opposed to the clean, smooth appearance that comes with good dental hygiene.  It’s super realistic looking.”

P&G CEO, Oliver Lemmon, explains, “The dental customer today is searching for an individualized mouth appearance which reflects his interests and beliefs.  A stained, gnarly smile says ‘I’m bonkers for Brits’ in a totally unique way.  Crest is committed to meeting our customers’ needs, and according to our attorneys, we should be OK doing that with Brownstrips.”

A source inside Crest labs reports that its chemists are working around the clock to create a rainbow of other Strip options.  Rumored shades include Avatar Blue, Glow-in-the-dark Neon, Hannibal Lecter Red, and Meth Mouth Medley.  “We think Crest Brownstrips are the beginning of something really special,” says Lemmon.  “One day soon, you’ll be able to just open your mouth and let people know who you are without the hassle of speaking.  According to our attorneys, we should be OK saying we think that’s pretty neat.”

FM Observer Goes Corporate With Initial Public Offering

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Buy FMO low, sell high. Then move to Hawaii.

Fargo, ND – The FM Observer is taking its paper to Wall Street. FM Observer (FMO) stock is slated to open at $3.141559265359/share next week. Here’s a Q&A the FM Observer did with Nick Hirchert about the upcoming IPO and how he plans to use it to get us all rich as hell.

FMO: Nick, can I call you Nick?
Nick: No, you may not.

FMO: Nick, is it true that FMO is going public?
Nick:  It is! We are taking the Observer to Wall street with our Initial Public Offering.

FMO: How exciting is this for you?
Nick:  On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the most excited? We want to be rich like Doc Brown from Back to the Future so we can travel into the future & do a bunch of articles about stuff that hasn’t yet happened. Then we can retire forever.

FMO: Do you plan on donating all your profits to charity?
Nick:  We will assign one charity per future-article. Each article that gets future-posted will hopefully generate enough stock dividends to fulfill the financial needs of its respective charity until the end of time.

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FMO: Will you have a board of directors?
Nick:  Yes. I have appointed a board of directors.

FMO: Are any women or minorities possibly going to be on the board? Any midgets?
Nick:  The FMO Board of Directors is comprised of memes. Fictitious characters. Among them are: Douchebag Lumbergh, What if I Told You Morpheus and Conspiracy Keanu.

FMO: Where will your corporate headquarters be located?
Nick:  Corporate Headquarters is located in West Fargo, just off of I-94 near Sheyenne Street.

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FMO: How rich do you see yourself becoming?
Nick:  Wealthy enough to fly a Delorean into the year 2050 to compose 10,000 articles while aging in reverse as time counts backwards to 2014. You see, when you travel through time, you age substantially, directly proportional to the amount of years through which you travel. Ergo, concurrently, from the minute you arrive into your future year, you immediately begin de-aging as time simultaneously regresses into your initial host year. Vis-a-vis, concurrently, returning back from whence you came with the same eyeballs and hairline, but unfortunately, a completely different space time continuum.

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FMO: With all due respect, do you believe there’s enough pent-up demand for FMO stock to affect the earnings per share ratio?
Nick:  America is full of pent-up demand. Have you seen the comments sections of various other websites? Absolutely riddled with pent-up demand.

FMO: For stocks in general, do you agree that a double bottom’s pivot is usually the same price at the middle peak?
Nick:  Yes. If you turn on your pivot foot down low for a jump shot, release the ball at your jump’s peak.

FMO: No need to get snippy. Are you dog friendly?
Nick:  Quite.

FMO: Quite yes, or quite no?
Nick:  I happen to live with movie star Daniel Day-Lewis. He is currently in full character as a method actor for his next movie in which he plays a dog.

FMO: C’mon. Don’t bullshit me. Would you describe yourself as half empty or half full?
Nick:  My body is 75% water, 5% bonehead and 20% baloney.

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FMO: Where do you see yourself in 100 years?
Nick:  As time travel proliferates and the proportions of aging and de-aging become limitless, I truly have no earthly idea.

FMO: Thank you for granting us this frank interview. Any final thoughts that you’d like to share with us?
Nick:  Yes. In the year 2193, there is a great disruption in the 17th Matrix. One of you brings a fully-cooked Hot Pocket through an equilateral time vortex, causing an irreparable tear in the Matrix and a critical disruption in the space time continuum. So please, stop buying Hot Pockets for Pete’s sake.

FOX finishes production on zany “Bachelor”-themed reality show

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accused-sean-bean-transsexual

Los Angeles, CA—FOX Broadcasting Company has officially declared it’s ready to compete for a share of the desperate female viewer demographic. Executives noted they have completed filming for a sensational new show titled, The Singleton.

In a press release this morning, FOX representatives indicated they’ve wrapped the first 5 seasons of their new Bachelor-themed reality dating program. Why did they secretly knock down five seasons at once, you might ask? Read for yourself:

“The Singleton – A scintillating new dating reality show is coming to FOX. The Singleton will feature a single male alongside 12 would-be mates vying for his love. But there’s a catch: Six of the contestants are women and the other six are—unbeknownst to the male—post-op transvestites! Who will our singleton pick? Will he pick a woman? Or will he pick a wo-MAN?! It’s The Mole meets The Bachelor, coming to FOX this fall! Check your local listings.”

The show’s narrative will provide the viewer with knowledge of who is who, so thankfully we won’t be left in the dark. How exciting! Finally a dating reality show worth watching; one in which the male could end up with a cleverly-disguised RuPaul. This show is poised to teach us a great deal about what personality means to overall sexual attraction.

[polldaddy poll=7856176]

FDA Issues Recall of 20 Million Spoiled Rotten Children

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Warning: Spoiled brats hazardous to your health.

Washington, DC – In an unprecedented move, the Food and Drug Administration has issued a recall of what experts are calling the most toxic substance in America: its own spoiled rotten children.  While these whining brats have long been known to cause a variety of symptoms ranging from mild irritation to severe psychosis, emerging science indicates the problem is far more serious than previously thought.

In a statement released to the media, FDA spokesperson, Harold Schwartz said, “This recall is absolutely essential in order to protect the public from the damaging effects of spoiled rotten child exposure.  The soccer mom in Connecticut who had a stroke buying 17 tiaras at Baby Versace was just the tip of the iceberg.  Without drastic intervention, our models predict that human suffering in our country will reach epic proportions by 2020.  The carnage will be devastating, especially in the suburbs.”

Data indicates that spoiled rotten children are now the number one contributing factor in the overall decline of American health.  Noted endocrinologist, Dr. Ewan Meeman, explains, “We estimate that the body’s inflammatory response to such children is 100 times stronger than to a rattlesnake bite.  With regards to toxicity, you’d be better off chugging Drano right out of the bottle than spending five minutes in a room with one of these death traps.”

When asked about how the FDA plans to handle 20 million recalled children, Mr. Schwartz admitted, “Well, the committee that was working to tackle that issue has been, ahem, released from duty.  I’ll be honest, some of the ‘disciplinary procedures’ they came up with were a little unprofessional.  Ok, for real, they were downright disturbing.”

To protect yourself, the FDA recommends avoiding schools, parks, malls, long plane rides and any restaurants that offer childrens’ menus.  In addition, they strongly urge all Americans to refrain from visiting Disney theme parks until further notice.

Williston Overcrowding & Lack Of Housing Taking Its Toll

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For every person who finds an apartment, 199 others can not.

Williston, ND – With too many people looking for too little housing, folks in Williston, North Dakota are starting to reach their breaking point.

Because of the North Dakota oil boom, monthly rent in Williston is now the highest in the country.

Sadly, for every apartment, there are 200 people seeking a home where they can hang their hat.

Mayor Bob Cobb says: “It’s like trying to play ketchup but you never can quite catch up. It’s very frustrating as more and more people continue to roll into town.”

Professional psychologist René Magritte describes it this way: “The competition for housing is ferocious. For those that do get an apartment, not only is it extremely expensive, but you look out your window only to see all the people that wish they were you. It reminds me of the original Star Trek episode called The Mark Of Gideon in which a planet was so overcrowded that it was like Bombay on steroids.”

Professional Hockey Game Ends In Tie

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pat-lafontaine

Bummer.

Edmonton, Alberta—A professional sporting event sadly ended in a tie, the Observer has learned. The Edmonton Oilers hosted Calgary Flames in a National Hockey League matchup last Saturday that unfortunately finished with a 0-0 score. Both teams took the ice for no reason.

The Flames rode their team charter bus all the way to Edmonton only for it not to matter. The game ended after three whole 20-minute periods, an overtime period and a shootout in which zero, count ’em, ZERO goals were scored. Buzzkill.

The finish to this colossal misuse of time was met with shrugs and eye-rolls from many fans and players in attendance. Calgary defenseman Pierre Svodba had his thoughts:

“I always love riding cramped in the back of a bus for 3 hours, especially when it’s for no good reason at all,” he remarked, frustrated. “A tie in sports is just ridiculous, eh? It’s like two guys winning the lottery but getting none of the money. It’s like sharing a bed with your sister. It’s like meeting the girl of your dreams, but she’s an alien freakazoid who lives on Mars. It’s like having sex but ejaculating into the garbage. A total waste.”

Online Trolls Say 2014 Will Be A Great Year For Them

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Internet TrollOnline trolls have recently slithered out of their holes to state that they think 2014 will be a great year for them.

Due to the still ever increasing use of social media, trolls are having a better chance of seeing uplifting stories that they can engage in and throw their venomous feces all over.

We spoke to a few trolls online.  User “IMTHEGREATEST” is one that we had the chance to speak to.

“I can’t wait to see what 2014 has in store for us trolls.  I’m literally like so excited.  If it wasn’t for trying to make peoples lives miserable for no reason, I would be lost.  I’ve been crafting my unique trolling skills lately and I can’t wait to use them.  Ultimately I’d like get someone so aggravated that they kill themselves.  LOL!”

We got to speak to another troll user named “MoNKeYBaLLS.”

“I’m the greatest warrior the internet has ever seen.  I’m certainly no pussy.  Just yesterday I told a cancer patient that I hope she dies.  This morning I told a bunch of animal lovers that I’d run over all their animals without question.  It’s what I do.  It’s what I’m good at.  I also know everything.  I have a PHD.  It’s not recognized as real but I have one.”

User “LOTF” had this to say.

“2014 is going to be great!  I should probably get out of bed because it’s been 2 months since I’ve done so.  However, I was speaking to other trolls and they are just as excited as I am for this year.  I can’t wait for all the good positive stories to come out that I can ruin for everyone.”

Lastly, we spoke with user “48575743.”

“I…..cannot…….wait to see what is in-store for 2014!  If I didn’t have the internet i’d have been beaten up like 200 times by now LOL.  Or murdered LOL.  When I’m on the internet I don’t have to worry about being punched in the face repeatedly since they don’t know where I live!  I’m a very very smart person.  2014 will be a great year for me to feel better about myself.  I will promise to dedicate all my energy to being a complete jerk online.”

Today, internet trolls are increasing in numbers rapidly.  Why?  We don’t know.  We can though give you some tips.  See below.

  • The famous motto “Do not feed the trolls” is real and still works.  Simply ignoring them will make them bored and they will move quickly to troll others.
  • On facebook you may block them so you never see their mouth feces scattered about ever again.
  • Be sarcastically nice to them.
  • Find out their real name and post the trolling details on blogs etc.  This way if someone is searching for that person in particular, they will find out that he is a worthless troll.
  • Murder them with fire.

Those are just some ways to effectively deal with trolls.  2014 is looking to be even more frustrating.

How do you deal with trolls?