Ukraine President’s Brother Weird Al Yanukovych Releases Album

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Estranged brothers: Viktor Yanukovych and Weird Al Yanukovych

Kiev, Ukraine – Although it is common to see Ukraine’s President Viktor Yanukovych in the news, it is one of his relatives who is making headlines as of late.

The President’s estranged brother, Weird Al Yanukovych has been stealing the spotlight in the embattled region with the release of his latest album, “Not Back To The USSR”, which he says is “custom created for the narcissist to our north”.

Popular among Ukraine’s hipster crowd, Mr. Yanukovych has long been revered for his satirical remakes of western songs.  His music offers much needed comic relief in a land that many consider to be the least humorous place on earth.  “If I can give my people a chuckle in the face of all this chaos and uncertainty, then I’ve done my job,” states Yanukovych.  “And if I can stick it to my idiot brother in the process, then that’s just honey on my pierogi.”

Weird Al Yanukovych was elevated to icon status in the early 90’s with his Billboard-topping Eurythmics cover, “Here Comes Ukraine Again”.  Since then, some of the world’s biggest artists have given him permission to change their songs’ lyrics in the name of laughter.  It is widely rumored that the artist formerly known as Prince offered Yanukovych 1,000 pounds of caviar to create “Purple Ukraine”, another of his top hits.

The release of his latest album comes at a time when political unrest and a threatening Russian military presence along Ukraine’s border are taking their toll on the country’s citizens.  “We need a laugh now more than ever,”  said Yanukovych at a recent press conference.  “These politicians are total nutcases, but I’m the ‘Weird’ one?  What’s wrong with this picture?”

The album, “Not Back To The USSR” is currently available on iTunes and will soon hit stores worldwide.  Yanukovych was kind enough to give us the list of tracks, which you can check out below:

Not Back To The USSR (original song by The Beatles)
If I Had a Million Vodkas (original song by Barenaked Ladies)
Crimea River (original song by Justin Timberlake)
Smells Like Mean Spirit (original song by Nirvana)
Heart of Cold (original song by Neil Young)
You Are Not My Sunshine (original song by Willie Nelson)
The Sound Of Violence (original song by Simon and Garfunkel)
Every Putin Wants To Rule The World (original song by Tears for Fears)
Locked Up In Prison (original song by Bruno Mars)
Achy Breaky Sovereignty (original song by Billy Ray Cyrus)
If I Was Your Despot (original song by Justin Bieber)

Minnesota Twins preview: Ron Gardenhire promises 2014 season

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RonFort Myers, FL – With Major League Baseball spring training officially underway in Fort Myers, media people went belly up to the podium for a little preseason insight from Minnesota Twins skipper Ron Gardenhire.

Gardy, candid as always, indicated that the squad probably won’t deviate from last year’s ways and that he expects another performance in 2014.

Taken from an amusing February 27th press conference:

Reporter 1: What are your expectations for this year’s squad, performance-wise?

Gardy: Performance wise…sounds like a tire model. Goodyear PerformanceWise (laughs). You know, we’ll play our butts off at Target but those long, arduous road trips really take a lot out of you. Our guys will suit up, hit balls, catch and throw ’em. That’s about the long and the short of it.

Reporter 2: Ron, how is (Joe) Mauer transitioning to his new full-time role at first base?

Gardy: Morneau is swinging a lead bat. Looks like he’s put on a little bit of weight, but I could be wrong. I think he’s waiting for the All-Star break.

Reporter 2: Excuse me, Morneau? Surely you meant to say Mauer…

Gardy: What? What did I say? Morneau, Mauer…um…ha ha. I guess we traded Morneau last year, so you’ll have to ask his new team that question. I’m Ron Gardenhire.

Reporter 3: Any news on the starting pitching rotation? How close are we to finding our ace?

Gardy: Our ace? Ah…. (long pause) you know what? We traded Spansy (Denard Span) for a triple-A guy a couple years back. Maybe him. Is Liriano still hurt? Pretty sure Pavano retired… uh…that’s a toughie. Better ask Rick (pitching coach Rick Anderson) that one.

Reporter 3: Has the acquisition of Phil Hughes significantly bolstered your starting rotation?

Gardy: Phil is a drinker, so he knows how to unwind after getting pummeled on the mound. He’ll be ok, unless he slips and falls on his bum-bum.

Reporter 4: Ron, has the team chosen a closing pitcher to come out of the bullpen?

Gardy: Nope.

Reporter 4: No?

Gardy: Nope. We got a ton of bullpen guys. We like to mix it up to throw the other team off. If one guy emerges as a decent closer, he’ll probably keep the job….but better ask Rick to be sure. 

Reporter 5: You’re about to achieve win # 1,000 this year. What does that mean to you?

Gardy: Is that right? Minnesota: Land of 1,000 wins, ha ha. Ah I dunno. It feels good to watch our guys play, and when you get a W out of it, feels even better as you lay down at night for sleepin’. Ok, one more question then I have to go get my noggin fitted for hats.

Reporter 6: Does your contract extension put the team’s 2014 performance under heavier scrutiny?

Gardy: Contracts are just paper. That’s all they are. Paper is made from trees grown in Africa somewhere and then the contract is printed on there. Probably gets scanned into a computer after I sign it, you know, so they don’t lose it. I don’t know much about computers, so…

Help Fargo Police Investigate Convenience Store Robbery

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Whodunnit?

Fargo, ND – During a recent police investigation, Chief Inspector Ripley interviewed five possible suspects in the robbery of a local Kum & Go convenience store.

One fact that was known for certain: each suspect was telling exactly one lie.

From their statements below, can you use the power of deductive logical thinking to help the police investigators determine which suspect robbed the Kum & Go?

Here are the statements from the five suspects:

Angel said: It wasn’t Elizabeth. It was Brandi.
Brandi said: It wasn’t Cheri. It wasn’t Elizabeth.
Cheri said: It was Elizabeth. It wasn’t Angel.
Dolly said: It was Cheri. It was Brandi.
Elizabeth said: It was Dolly. It wasn’t Angel.

Anyone who submits the correct answer might be entered into a fairly random drawing to possibly win either a $5 gift certificate to Kum & Go, or win a frozen box of Philly Steak* Hot Pockets.

Good luck and thank you for assisting local crime-fighters in solving yet another in a long series of convenience store burglaries.

*Nestlé USA, the company that produces Hot Pockets, announced last week that it is voluntarily recalling an unspecified number of ”Philly Steak” and ”Croissant Crust Philly Steak and Cheese” Hot Pockets in certain sizes as part of a larger meat recall.

Hint to solving the crime: Only one of Brandi’s statements is true.

Local Trucker Inducted Into Guinness Book Of World Records For Saying “Bullshit” 312 Times In One Hour

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Truck Driver in Semi TruckWest Fargo, ND—Russell Hvordsenen of West Fargo, North Dakota has been inducted into the 2014 Guinness Book of World Records for mentioning the word “bullshit” 312 times in one hour. He nearly doubled the previous record held by a local truck driver Augvald Audgard from Dilworth, MN who has held this honor since 1981 with a remarkable 165.

When asking Mr. Hvordsenen how he felt about taking over the record from the previous record holder, it became quite apparent he is currently in training to beat his own record some time this year. Russell seemed upset at the fact that Guinness didn’t really give him anything besides some “bullshit piece of paper” when he was “really hoping to get some bullshit trip out of the deal or some bullshit like that at least. This is a bunch of bullshit.”

During that rant, he mentioned the word ‘bullshit’ an extraordinary 21 times in less than 45 seconds. Simply. Epic.

Wrapping up our conversation with Russell, we asked him what the motivation was this year to make such an impact on American Culture. After asking us if we were “some sort of bullshit communist or democrat” for driving a foreign car, he simply stated this:

“Well, the weather is bullshit, management is bullshit, the government is bullshit, the grocery store is bullshit with their bullshit. Did I mention mention management is bullshit? They don’t know nothin’ and in my opinion, that’s a bunch of horseshit.”

Horseshit? This could be real exciting. We will be watching Russell Hvordsenen in 2014 real close.

-via Mike Johnson, published with permission

FM-area convenience stores: “We are out of cash so please stop robbing us”

small-time crook

small-time crook

Fargo, ND—A long string of recent armed attacks on gas stations in our town has left tills and registers completely tapped. After Fargo endured yet another pair of convenience store holdups yesterday, the Observer has learned local stop n shops are officially out of money.

Store clerks want the city’s armed hoodlums to know they don’t have any more cash to fork over after being robbed, like, fifty million times.

South Fargo Petro Serve clerk Zelda Holdsclaw:

“We’re out of cash so don’t bother robbing us anymore. You guys took it all. Holding us up again would be a complete waste of your time.”

It would appear that area convenience stores have become easy targets for a quick smash-and-grab. Thankfully, with this new announcement, all that is about to change.

North Fargo Stop-N-Go store manager Randy Noisewater:

“Robbers have finally taken us for all we’re worth. It might be time for criminals to step their game up, take off the training wheels and start robbing banks for Pete’s sake.”

FOX Cancels 28 Shows To Make Room For Two And A Half Men Reruns

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Los Angeles, CA—The brain trust at FOX Broadcasting Company has been busy reworking their primetime television show lineup. A total of 28 nighttime sitcoms have met the chopping block in a space-clearing effort as more Two and a Half Men reruns make their way to syndication.

Among the canceled titles were these popular shows:

  • Mortuary-Scene-Automaton-InteriorTwo Franks, One Amy and a Mortuary – This ill-advised “Two Guys, One Girl and a Pizza Place” spinoff was dead before it arrived (which could be why it was set in a mortuary).
  • chrisChris, The Upwards-Walking Clydesdale – America just wasn’t ready for a rip-roaring sitcom about a talking horse who walked on his two hind legs  😐
  • realtyRealty Check – What do you get when you put cameras inside a realtor’s office, an office in which much of the staff is usually not present due to their busy off-site schedules? Evidently, you get a poorly-conceived ripoff of “The Office”.
  • jaredMy Hair Friend – Take a journey through the life and times of Jared, a jovial-yet-psychotic man who hoarded all his haircut clippings, face shavings and manscapings to create with them a life-sized version of himself. Spoiler alert: The journey ends in the FOX tv show graveyard.

These gems didn’t hold their luster with FOX executives, who know how to cash in on syndicated reruns. Let’s hope cult classic My Hair Friend shows up on Netflix really, really soon.

North Dakotans Live In A State Of Happiness

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Hiberspace is the new happy.

Fargo, ND – Gallup’s recent release of its annual “Happiest State” poll results has left many Americans dumbfounded to see North Dakota sitting in 1st place for 2014.  It is being widely reported that collective “Whaaaaa?” sounds can be heard from Pittsburgh to Portland as people scratch their heads trying to figure out where North Dakota is and what’s so happy about it.

However incredulous, Gallup has spoken.  Toppling the reigning champ, Hawaii, North Dakota now ranks as the happiest state in the union.  While the FMO sends out a mittened “high five” to our state and its citizens, even we have to wonder:  How the heck did that happen?

In an effort to understand how North Dakota could have ever stolen the happy crown from Hawaii (Really??), the FMO decided to ask local psychiatrist and self-proclaimed happiness expert, Johann Kronnesvoldervandersbjorg to explain.

FMO:  So, Dr. K., why in the world are North Dakotans so darn happy?

JK:  I’m going to let you in on a little secret.  I’ve recently discovered a phenomenon that occurs in some humans who live in absurdly inhabitable conditions like we experience here in North Dakota.  After years of being exposed to mind-numbing cold, prolonged sunlight deprivation and high levels of casserole consumption, human beings begin to enter a state not unlike hibernation.  I call it Hiberspace.

FMO:  Can you repeat that?  I was half asleep.

JK:  Listen closely now.  Just as the internet exists in Cyberspace, North Dakotans exist in Hiberspace.  The inner consciousness becomes completely unaware of the outside world and instead operates in a sort of euphoric dream state.  Awash in endorphins and dopamine from the excessive casserole intake, the human mind drifts along blissfully for months in order to survive the harshness of reality.  It’s really quite extraordinary.

FMO:  So, you’re saying we’re essentially bears?  Big, lumbering, loopy, grinning bears?

JK:  Well, that’s one way to look at it.  The point is that Hiberspace is an incredibly exciting discovery.  Just imagine the possibilities!  If humans can evolve to the point where they can find happiness in such utterly ridiculous living conditions as the bleak, frozen tundra of North Dakota, then theoretically true Nirvana should be a snap for say, a Floridian.  It’s all about tapping into that magical sweet spot between hopelessness and denial.  Therein lies true happiness.

FMO:  And, apparently, a casserole.

JK:  Indeed.

FMO:  Indeed.

The Queen Of England Wants Stonehenge Moved To Buckingham Palace

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Stonehenge to be relocated from Wiltshire to Westminster, by order of The Queen.

Wiltshire, England – Rumor has it that The Queen of England wants Stonehenge moved from the town of Wiltshire to the grounds of Buckingham Palace before she steps down from the throne.

John Thomas, an expert in English history, says that if that’s what The Queen wants, then it’s the right thing to do.

He explains: “It actually makes a lot of sense to move the Neolithic standing stones from Amesbury to London so that more tourists can easily see them.”

Some believe that the archaic attraction should even be refurbished along the way, since some of the stones that date back to 3000 BC are missing.

Once again, John Thomas: “The Queen, in all of her elegance, likes things to be maintained and proper. If she wants the circle of stones to be restored back to their full glory, then we shall make it so.”

Dominos Pizza

Meet The Real Domino’s Pizza Makers

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Dominos Pizza

 

 Meet The Real Domino’s Pizza Makers

There’s pizza makers and then there’s Domino’s Pizza Makers.  We had time to go around town and interview local Domino’s Pizza Artists.  These are their stories.

 

 

Melissa (The Astrophysicist)

The Astrophysicist

 Greg (The Doctor)

The Doctor
“NASA and space exploration was my goal but artful pizza making was my PASSION! I’m not your average pizza maker.” “I was never a doctor. But I wanted to be. My passion for the arts led me to pizza making and ultimately Dominos for the last 30 years. I’m still here. Still…………………………………..here”
Latifah Bonifa Shataniana La’Trice (The Lawyer)

The Lawyer

 Someone’s Kid (The Kid)

Someones Kid
“I really liked being a lawyer but there is nothing like pizza making. It is an art form and I plan to craft it into something wonderful. Like cows pooping skittles wonderful.” “I don’t really know what i’m doing here. My dad drops me off, I work a lot, then I go home and do it all over again tomorrow. Do you have any food?  I want to watch cartoons.”
Plis (The Art Teacher)

The Art Teacher

 Chea (The Sculpter)

The Sculpter
“I’ve wanted to be an art teacher all my life. That’s what led me to Dominos. I want to influence kids, help others. Change the world really. One pizza at a time.” “Just like sculpting, pizza making is an art form. You really got to put your heart and soul into it.”
Jesus (The Savior)

Jesus

 Genghis Khan (The Emperor)

Genghis Khan
“Answering prayers all day just wasn’t doing it for me. I had to get out of my shell. Dominos gave me the opportunity that I couldn’t say no to. Here I get to express myself artfully.” “Killing people was a fine art and I’m the greatest artist to ever live. I plan to come back and apply my art to pizza making.”

UFO Sighting In North Dakota Caught On Camera

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Sheriff Ben Dover says: This really happened! This here ain’t no hoax.

Perth, North Dakota – An amazing UFO sighting was caught on camera just outside Perth, in north central North Dakota.

Towner County Sheriff Ben Dover somehow captured this amazing image on his cell phone, while watching the UFO for about ten minutes, as he sipped an early morning cup of coffee.

Sheriff Dover said that he witnessed the UFO spacecraft use its tractor beam to pull up an old bi-plane that was sitting out in a farmer’s field.

Dr. Zak Neth of the National UFO Center: North Dakota has definitely been a hot-spot of UFO activity lately. However, the aliens who were sent to visit “Earth” might have mistakenly thought they were to visit “Perth”.