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Westboro Church States, “It’s Ok To Be Gay On Valentine’s Day.”
Topeka, Kansas – In a weird turn of events, The Westboro Baptist Church announced today that it was Ok To Be Gay on Valentine’s Day.
Two men wrestling each other’s penises, the church states, is “OK on Valentine’s Day.”
This neat little jingle, Westboro Church hopes, will raise more homosexual awareness.
“We feel that it is Ok To Be Gay on Valentine’s Day and that all men who feel ridiculed or ashamed may all meet, here, at the Westboro Baptist Church. You will feel safe and god will forgive your sins. We will take real good care of you.”
We find it very odd that the Westboro Baptist Church would hold gay meetings. The church has been very outspoken against gays even claiming that God Hates Fags. They have picketed all over the United States preaching hate and negativity.
“We feel this will give the fags that god hates so much a chance to forgive their sins. That is all. There is nothing else going on. I swear. What? Why are you looking at me like that? I swear we just want to forgive the sins of fags because we care. I’m serious. Why do you have your hand on your forehead? We hate gays. I’m not gay! Why are you laughing!?!” a church member stated.
Although we will never know, it seems there might be more than the eyes can see in regards to the Westboro Baptist Church. Are we being trolled? Are they for real? Dare I ask if they themselves are gay? These are the questions we need to answer.
Maybe the church is pulling one of the greatest trolling stunts in human history.
Sanford Hospital To Provide Free Valentine’s Day Heart Transplants
Fargo, ND—A local hospital is taking a heartfelt initiative this Valentine’s Day. Starting at noon, the first 100 customers through the door at Sanford Health in downtown Fargo will receive a no-cost heart transplant.
“If you’re hopelessly alone on Valentine’s Day, chances are you have a broken heart and for that, we have a solution,” said Sanford President Kenneth Noisewater. “Due to a shipping error, our hospital is the proud, unfortunate owner of 22 crates of glistening baboon hearts.”
Noisewater mentioned that sufferers of heartbreak need to act fast as this is a very limited-time offer: “The first 100 victims of Valentine’s Day sadness will earn themselves a new ticker. Don’t wait! Surgeons are standing by!”
The Observer recommends you clutch your loved one tight this evening or you, too could be waiting in line for a set of monkey ventricles.
EPA Lifts Ban On Tire Fires to Combat Winter
Have a tire fire with your friends!
Washington, DC—As yet another ice storm decimates the south with a torrential downpour of frozen goodness, local governments there are declaring a state of emergency. States like Georgia and North Carolina have deemed their roads undriveable and air travel impossible as this new winter storm wreaks havoc.
Having had enough of snowfall and winter in general, our federal government is ready to take drastic measures to fight this ongoing issue. As of this morning, the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) is lifting the ban on tire fires and other environmentally hazardous burning.
This announcement comes in response to the 12 deaths and over 4,000 canceled flights caused by another winter storm south of the Mason-Dixon line. Enough is enough.
“It’s time to raise the air temperature by any means necessary,” declared EPA Administrator Gina McCarthy. “We will not stand idly by as United States citizens continue to perish.”
The EPA is prepared to forgo the need for an ozone in an effort to end this year’s increasingly long winter season. “Burn all of your garbage, especially tires. Let’s scorch the sky. We want it so hot outside that it melts the shingles right off your house and starts your sunglasses on fire.”
The Observer expected to see an outpouring of rage from local environmentalists, but so far there has been no disagreement with this new EPA initiative. Everybody wants Old Man Winter to back off, man, they’re just sick of him.
All-Candy Diet Promoted By Candy Companies
In CandyLand, you can eat all the candy you want.
Kandiyohi County, MN – A prestigious group of some of the top candy companies in the world are encouraging people to go on an all-candy diet.
A large consortium of candy companies called the CandyLand Group (which includes: Mars, Nestle, Hersey, Russell Stover, Tootsie Roll, Jelly Bellies, DeMets, Pez, and Fannie May) held their latest Candy Conference in Kandiyohi County.
At the Candy Conference, they made public a new scientific study which happened to be funded by the CandyLand Group.
The study showed that participants who ate an all-candy diet were amazingly smarter, much happier, and surprisingly healthier than their placebo counter-parts who ate a strict non-candy diet of anonymous foods that were all pureed together in a blender.
Top representatives from each company all agreed that eating an all-candy diet is simply giving the body more of what it needs to function in this fast-paced 21st century.
“Gone are the days of eating an apple a day to keep away the doctor” says Carmel Sweetooth of the CandyLand Group. “Fruits and vegetables can now be replaced by Smarties, Milk Duds, Skittles, and Gummi Bears.”
When asked if the CandyLand Group study was possibly biased towards trying to sell more candy, Ms. Sweetooth snapped that our question had an anti-candy bias and was therefore an unacceptable question, as she popped a Junior Mint into her mouth before storming off to CandyLand.
Free Personalized Valentine’s Day Gift Ideas
There are infinite ways to say I Love You.
Valentine, Nebraska – With Valentine’s Day fast approaching, the mad scramble is on to buy prickly thorned roses and chocolate covered teddy bears for all the lovely sweethearts.
Others are desperately seeking alternative gift ideas to show their love and affection, such as a gift certificate to Victor’s Secrets, or a year-long membership to a shooting range, or a Hearts-On-Fire blood diamond.
The FM Observer has an idea for a fun and creative present for your Valentine.
At the Acme.com Heart Maker website, you can make Valentine heart candies with whatever personalized message you want on them.
Once you’ve created your messaged candy in whatever color combination you want, then right-click, save it, and send it to your Valentine.
The Acme.com website also has a license plate maker website for an additional creative way to express your love.
Happy Valentine’s Day from the FM Observer. And remember, every day should be Valentine’s Day!
The FM Observer wishes you and yours a very nice VD!
Rapper DMX Absolutely Destroys George Zimmerman In Celebrity Boxing Match
Tampa, FL—In what was billed as a payback matchup for the ages, rap artist Earl Simmons (better known as DMX) went toe-to-toe in the squared circle with murderer George “The Hitman” Zimmerman.
DMX came in at about 165 lbs soaking wet while Hitman came in at a blubbery, shit-eating 233 lbs. This did not bode well for the Hitman as he looked sluggish and afraid–as if someone had stolen his gun. DMX immediately took control with a flurry of “bark! bark!” noises and heavy jab-hook combinations.
The teen killer looked altogether shocked by DMX’s wild array of punches and barks. He took a defensive stance, covering his beady little eyes with his boy-killing fists but it was too late. DMX unloaded on him with the power of a thousand gunned-down neighborhood kids and it was over just about as soon as it started. The referee called a stoppage to the fight at the 31 second mark. DMX by TKO.
During the post-fight interview, DMX explained his strategy:
“I told y’all I was gonna beat the f— outta that punk. He think he hard now? ARF ARF Ruff Ryders! Ride or die!!”
This marks the very first time Zimmerman faced any real physical consequence for the murder of Trayvon Martin. It also goes to show, if you put a pansy in the ring with DMX, there’s going to be an ass-kicking.
Man Responsible For Olympic Ring Mishap Found Dead In Sochi
Sochi, Russia – The man responsible for operating the Olympic rings during this years Winter Olympic Opening Ceremonies in Russia was found dead in his run down hotel room yesterday.
The Daily Currant has reported that T. Borris Avdeyev was found in his hotel room early this morning with multiple stab wounds.
So far it is being investigated as an ‘accident’. However, people around the world are starting to question if it really was just an accident or if it was Vladimir Putin himself snuffing out the problem..
The local news paper was able to get a hold of Putin himself after he was finished with his daily afternoon greco roman wrestling matches with his buddies.
After taking his halo from his head and putting it down beside him, Vladimir simply stated, “Vodka. Do you want?”
That was it. He took a swag of some Vodka and then went back to his greco roman wrestling matches with his friends.
Although highly suspectful, we believe Mr Avdeyev did indeed slip and fall on some knives.
If there are any new details to this story we will sure report them.
Four Easy Steps To Self-Hypnotic Bliss
Self-Hypnosis is the answer for millions of stressed out Americans.
San Diego, CA – Ever since the movie Office Space came out, relieving stress by using hypnosis has been gaining popularity.
In our iTech world, many find it impossible to escape the 24/7 demands of their jobs.
You can join millions in escaping endless stress and finding permanent tranquility through self-hypnosis by following these 4 easy steps:
1. Remove any restrictive clothing and find a comfortable chair. Stare at the center of this pinwheel for about 5 minutes. Breathe calmly and just let your mind relax.
2. As you gaze at this second pinwheel for about 5 minutes, imagine stepping down into a hot tub. Let the swirling bubbles begin to melt away all the crap you’ve been bitching about for the last week.
3. While staring at this third pinwheel, fully submerge yourself down into the hot tub. Let all sources of stress gradually drown in a toxic combination of chlorinated water and urine from the kids who just got out of the hot tub.
4. As you transcend to the very bottom of the hot tub, repeat to yourself: I am the boss of me. Nobody tells me what to do. Any disrespect will be met with swift revengeful counterforce. Tell yourself that you will remain in a permanent bubble of peace, while anyone who threatens to pop your bubble will be flattened like a pancake.
Man Sentenced To 75 Years In Prison For Stealing Neighbors Cow
Maza, ND – A man was sentenced to 75 years in prison this past Wednesday for stealing his neighbors cow.
Jim Benson, a local dairy farmer (whom Bill Burns worked for before joining the FM Observer), was arrested last week and charged with theft of property.
The property? A cow.
Cops state that Mr. Benson dressed as a cow, “pranced” over to his neighbors cow barn late at night and stole their most milk producing cow, Betty.
Mr. Benson stated that he just needed some milk and that was all. He will be eligible for parole in 10 years.
When asked if it was worth it he said, “Absolutely not. I should have just gone to the store for milk.”