Walmart Polling Station Election 2012

Walmart to Stop Selling Soda

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walmart

Soda fans line up for one last pull

Birmingham, AL—In response to CVS’s announcement that they will discontinue the sale of tobacco products at its 7,600 locations across the USA, Walmart has proudly announced that they are pulling an incredibly harmful substance from their shelves as well. Walmart will stop selling soda, effective immediately.

Retail is and has always been a copycat industry. When one company makes a savvy maneuver, another company is sure to follow suit.

“Studies have proven that the sugars and other chemicals found in soda have been and continue to be very, very harmful to the body. That is why we’ve decided to pull it from our shelves.” said company C.E.O. Jonathan Walmart, in a statement made earlier today. “There’s still plenty of damn fine carbonated beverages available to our consumers, like Sparkling ICE and what not.”

When asked about the financial implications, Jonathan Walmart said simply “Make no mistake; we’ll take a financial hit from this, but it isn’t like we’re going to go out of business or anything. Probably just have to lower our employees’ wages even further in order to keep our prices where they are.”

The Observer sees this as not a health-conscious maneuver, but yet another shameful, backhanded swipe at employee compensation.

PepsiCo C.E.O. Alexander Pepsi could not be reached for comment.

City Waives Alcohol Compliance Fine Because Servers Weren’t Taught How to Use Calculators

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06.2.gifFargo, ND—After serving booze to a minor, Santa Lucia restaurant in south Fargo was hit with a fine as punishment for failing their random alcohol compliance check. The restaurant’s owner disputed the fine, saying that both servers who examined the ID of the patron were never taught how to use calculators during county-mandated server training class. Because if you can’t use a calculator, you can’t properly determine someone’s age.

The city of Fargo agrees. Today, city commission members voted to repeal the fine due to negligence on the part of server training staff.

“Failure to show these college-educated humans how to utilize an electronic device to make routine subtractions resulted in their inability to perform simple arithmetic in a real-life situation,” commission member Jonathan Noisewater stated. “It is obviously the responsibility of a simple government-mandated training seminar to properly educate service staff how to complete grade-school-level mathematical computations.”

Santa Lucia is set to resume incorrect mathematics as early as this week.

stoner bowl 2014

5 Things To Do Instead of Watch Super Bowl XLVIII

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stoner bowl 2014

 

Most likely everyone you know will be watching The Stoner Bowl 2014.  However, you hate football and have no interest in watching grown adults wrastle each other over cow skin.  Here are 5 simple things you can do instead of watch the game.

 

1. Give Yourself Money

Go and find all the money in your house.  Give it to yourself over and over again until the game is over.

 

2. Find Jesus

This will keep you busy for years.  You probably won’t find him in 4 hours but don’t give up!  Keep looking!

 

3. Drink To Pass Out

Don’t drink to get a buzz.  Drink to pass out.  Drink a ton of alcohol and pass out for hours.  By the time you wake up, the game will be over.

 

4. Literally smoke a Super Bowl.

Smoke a huge super bowl by yourself.  Go downstairs or anywhere that is far away from everyone watching the game, put some headphones on and listen to classical music for 4 hours straight.

 

5.  Knock Yourself Out

If all 4 of the above ideas don’t work, knock yourself out.  Find the hardest object you have laying around the house and hit yourself over the head until you pass out. When you wake up, game ova.

Super Bowl Pizzas Delivered By Drones

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Pizza delivery via drone

Domino, Texas – If you didn’t already want to order a pizza today for the Super Bowl, you might want to just for the experience of drone delivery.

All across the nation, Domino’s Pizzas will be delivered by their new Domicopters, which were recently tested in the UK. “People here bloody loved it!” said Max Tunage, a virtual nobody with whom we spoke.

As soon as your pizza is done cooking, you will be sent a text message informing you that your pizza is en route to your front door and will be there within seconds.

If you’re not standing outside to personally receive the delivery, your phone will ring indicating that your pizza has arrived and is sitting in the middle of the street.

Domino’s Pizza expects to deliver 110000000 pizzas on Super Bowl Sunday, and they honestly don’t know how many zeros are after the eleven. Call now to pre-order your drone delivery!

Doug’s Doggy Diner to Open In Fargo

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_44663815_dogs_getty_466Fargo, ND—Two things we know are true about man’s best friend: they love to eat and they love to act like people. Have you ever noticed how much fun Rover has riding in the car? Sleeping in your bed? Sitting on your furniture? Spot may not say it out loud, but he desperately wants to participate in all of your human activities—especially eating at the table.

That is just some of the motivation Doug Drangle used when launching his new pup eatery, Doug’s Doggy Diner:

“We set out to combine two of the things dogs enjoy: eating and acting like a person,” said Doug. “At Doug’s, dogs get to take in the human experience of dining among other animals of the same species in an intimate setting.”

Doug’s is working in conjunction with many of the top dog food manufacturers to provide your pup the food it loves, but with a twist.

Check out some of Doug’s exciting canine-themed menu items:

  • IAMS® A-La-Carte – $7.50. Straight-up IAMS®, served in 1 cup portions.
  • Bites of Kibble – $8.25. Kibbles & Bits®, served as an appetizer.
  • Beggin’ New York Strips – $14.75. A handful of Beggin’ Strips®, converted into a 3-ounce “steak”.
  • Blue Buffalo® Burger – $9.95. Blue Buffalo® all-natural dog food, mashed together into a burger patty.
Another satisfied customer!

Another satisfied customer!

Every menu item comes with a dead tree leaves side salad. Bowl of tap water is complimentary.

Doug’s Doggy Diner will renovate and move in to the former Taco Bell building on 10th Street and 1st Avenue North in Fargo. Doug can’t wait to start slingin’ grub for dogs:

“All dogs are welcome to come enjoy this exclusive dining experience. Our ever-expanding menu is sure to please pups of all sizes. Walk right in, sit right down, pee wherever. Get territorial! It’s OK. Our service staff will clean it up!”

Eat, drink, bark your head off and crap on the floor at Doug’s Doggy Diner!

Maui Parrot-Fish Learns To Speak Fluent Underwater English

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Hello. Will you be my friend? Pardon my fishy smell. Want to play with me?

Hello. Will you be my friend? Pardon my fishy smell. Want to play with me?

Maui, Hawaii – Everyone told him it couldn’t be done. No, you can’t train a parrot-fish to speak English, you silly boy! That’s when he wished that someday he could prove them all wrong.

Twelve year old Koka Pakalolo had always dreamed of having a fish that he could talk to, but all he ever heard was that it was just a pipe dream.

Growing up on Maui, Koka had swum with fish since he was baptized. He didn’t know that fish could not speak. Koka Pakalolo just assumed that everything could talk.

One day while snorkeling with his favorite parrot-fish, Koka’s wish came true. His dream became reality when the parrot-fish bubbled into his ear: “Hello! What’s your name?” Koka simply responded: “My name is Koka Pakalolo.”

Happy Birthday

FM Observer Staff Writer Turns 89

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Happy BirthdayFargo, ND – Big day today at the FM Observer.  Long-time staff writer Hugh Janus turns 89 years old today!  This is such a monumental achievement for Hugh Janus that that we went all-out for his birthday.

To start it off, the entire staff was required to drive to work at walking speed.  Office attire consisted of wearing mandatory nipple-high pants and not showering for a week.  The break room was filled with different hard candy.  All butterscotch flavored.  Our TV had The Little House on The Prairie playing on repeat.  To top it off we had 10 mandatory bathroom breaks and “back to the oldies” playing 24/7.

Overall it was a wonderful day.  Hugh Janus ended up falling asleep in the bathroom until 3pm but it was still fun.  Please send your birthday wishes to Hugh Janus!

Hitch-a-Bitch Doggy Dating Service to Open In Fargo

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Bow....wow!

Bow….wow!

Fargo, ND—Pet owners often wonder: does my dog get lonely sitting home by itself while i’m away? The answer is most certainly yes. Rover is scared, anxious and above all, lonely when you’re not there. But he doesn’t have to be. Get Spot laid! You, the dog’s owner, can now play the role of Pooch Pimp with the help of Fargo’s new doggy dating service, Hitch-a-Bitch!

Hitch-a-Bitch CEO Johnnny Moores invented his company after he got sick of his dog constantly humping his leg. He thought to himself, “I need to get you a woman, Spike” and thus, Hitch-a-Bitch was born.

Hitch-a-Bitch’s patented dating metrics will match your dog to a canine with similar interests/hobbies. Does your dog like to chew any damn thing it can fit its mouth around? HAB will pair your dog up with a fellow chewer. Does your dog eat rocks? HAB will line Rex up with a fur-covered rock-gobbler with whom he can lick genitals!

Turn ons: walks, toys. Turn offs: mailman, vacuum cleaner

Turn ons: walks, toys.
Turn offs: mailman, vacuum cleaner

As an added bonus, HAB will teach you basic sexualizing commands aimed at getting your dog better acquainted with its inner lover. HAB will help train your dog to hump on command. They can also train your dog to hug and and kiss other dogs at the snap of a finger.

Just fill out the hitch-a-bitch.com online questionnaire. Then, you and your mutt will be invited to the HAB doggie playpen to meet that special someone. Your pup is already well on its way to capturing canine companionship.

What could be more relaxing for your dog than a romp in the park with its one and only somebody? Rover and Daisy will soon be lovers. Your dog has a soulmate. Help him find it with Hitch-a-Bitch.

New FDA Drug Approved For Your Sick Dog

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Is your dog sicker than a dog?

Is your dog sicker than a dog?

Fargo, ND – Do you have a DOG? Is your dog SICK? Congratulations! You just might have a SICK DOG!

With the recent onset of the Dog Flu, the FDA (Federal Dog Agency) has approved a new drug called SICK DOG for testing on real dogs.

Through an exclusive offer with the FM Observer, you can get some SICK DOG for your sick dog today!

How do I know if my dog is sick? When multi-colors are coming out of every orifice of your dog’s feverish body, you probably have a SICK DOG! If your dog has lost all its fur and is coughing up blood, you probably have a SICK DOG!

How does the SICK DOG product work? Nobody really knows what’s in this “product” or how it “works”. However, if your dog shows ANY signs of improvement, please contact the SICK DOG Company immediately and read them the TEST CODE NUMBER on the side of your box of SICK DOG. The company will then scientifically use this information to determine which mixture of random ingredients might be the most effective on future SICK DOGS.

Are you planning a Super Bowl Party, but your dog is sick? Try SICK DOG!

Are you all dressed up just about to go out on a first date, but your dog is blowing chunks? Try SICK DOG!

Are you sick and tired of having a dog that’s sick and tired? Try SICK DOG!

Interested parties can also find out more about the SICK DOG Pyramid Scheme. Are you sick of living paycheck to paycheck? Are you dog-tired of trying to rob small-time convenience stores? Check out the SICK DOG Pyramid Scheme to learn how YOU can make up to $25,000 every month, without ever doing a damn thing, except calling 1-800-SICK-DOG!