leatherman charge tti

Multi-tools Review

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If you didn’t know, I just recently got back from a trip to the Democratic Republic of Congo.  I have been looking at vacation/retirement property there for a while now.  During my trip I got to use a variety of different multi-tools.  Below I will show the ones I had the pleasure of using and then make my own suggestions on how to improve it.

1. Leatherman Charge TTi

leatherman charge tti

When Leatherman made the Charge TTi, they combined all of the most requested features into one functional tool. The TTi’s premium comfort-sculpted titanium handle scales and an S30V® stainless steel clip-point knife to really take this multi-tool to the next level. Who says a multi-tool can’t be sexy?

  • PRIMARY BLADE LENGTH: 2.9 in | 7.37 cm
  • CLOSED LENGTH: 4 in | 10 cm
  • WEIGHT: 8.2 oz | 232 g

Suggestions To Improve: Add a gas powered chainsaw.  Situated next to the minisaw, Leatherman should add a real gas powered chainsaw to its blade arsenal.  The minisaw is not suitable to cut down large adult trees.  When your life is on the line lost in the wooods, building a tree house is your first priority and a gas powered chainsaw will help you do just that.

 

2. 4-In-1 Woodsman

zippo multitool

Woodsman 4-in-1 Tool. It chops, saws, pounds and pulls. An Axe, Bow Saw, Mallet and Stake Puller… you get them all! So you can cut through a tangle of brush and tree limbs, set up and take down a tent or blind, and conquer just about anything else that crops up when you’re in the wild. From camping to survival: Steel Hatchet has 5″ blade; 15″ Bow Saw cuts oak up to 4″ in diameter; Mallet helps you put up tent in a hurry… even when ground is hard; Stake puller gets you on the road sooner.

  • Product Dimensions: 2 x 21 x 9 inches ; 3.4 pounds

Suggestions To Improve: I think the only thing missing from this bad boy is to add an electric leaf blower.  When camping out in the wild, there are always those pesky leaves falling around your campsite.  With this, you would never have to worry about a leaf ridden camp site again.  It will also work as a bear protector.  If a bear stumbles upon your campsite, blowing leaves at him has been proven to be an effective solution.

 

 3. Trucker’s Friend Survival Tool

Truckers Friend

The USA-made Trucker’s Friend is an all-purpose tool, built tough and specifically designed to meet the needs of professional truck drivers. But it’s so much more. In any situation that requires hacking, prying, pulling or pounding, you will feel real peace of mind with this serious tool on board. The Trucker’s Friend is backed by a no-hassle Lifetime Replacement Guarantee.

  • Handy all-purpose hand tool designed for professional truck drivers
  • Cut branches, pry loose nails, chip away hard-packed ice, and more
  • Includes curved axe, spanner, hammer, nail puller, tire chain hook, pry bar and lever
  • Shock-absorbing power grip and fiberglass handle
  • Made in the USA

Suggestions To Improve: This handy dandy ax is the perfect truckers companion.  Adding two katana blades would complete this multi-tool.  When the axe portion of this multi-tool doesn’t work fighting off multiple robbers, disengaging the katana blades will make quick work of your attacker.  Push button pepper spray added to the top of the axe would allow you to blind your attacker before cutting him apart with an axe.

 

4. Tactical Tomahawk

tactical tomohawk

The original Vietnam Tomahawk, SOG’s F01T-N Tactical Tomahawk is the latest incarnation of one of history’s most unusual weapons. This versatile piece of equipment handles a number of tasks including excavation, operations breaching, obstacle removal, and extraction, which makes the F01T-N an ideal tool for military and service personnel.

  • Use this versatile tool for breaching operations, excavation, obstacle removal, extraction, and other utility applications
  • Glass-reinforced nylon handle with 2.75-inch stainless steel ax head
  • Tough ballistic polymer handle and nylon carry sheath
  • An innovative, updated version of the Vietnam Tomahawk
  • Length: 15.75-inches; weight: 24-ounces; lifetime warranty

Suggestions To Improve: A tomahawk tool is a must have survival tool.  When you’re lost in the woods, this tomahawk is the perfect companion to take over villages or little cities along the way.  I’d like to see a specialized gland or pouch attached to the bottom of this tomahawk to deliver a healthy dose of venom to the blade.  This way, when you’re slicing your way to conquest and victory, your victims have a chance of dying a more terrible death.

Former Sunmart Building Being Renovated Into House Of 1,000 Corpses

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morgue

Haunted grocer

Fargo, ND—What was once an affordable area grocery has been abandoned, gutted, haunted by ghosts and now faces plans for a rather frightening makeover. The building formerly known as Sunmart on 25th street and 13th avenue in South Fargo is being repurposed by Cass County as the new location for their House Of 1,000 Corpses.

The screams of the dead are sure to continue at 2425 13th Avenue as the county prepares to deposit copious mortal remains into the proposed bodybag bank.

“Honestly, it’s a perfect location for a massive carcass hut,” said county zoning chairman Greg Barnaby. “Given that the building is and has been possessed by an ancient evil for years since it’s been abandoned, nothing should change with the addition of 1,000 corpses.”

Proponents of Black Magic have been picketing the location with crudely-made Bring Out Your Dead signs ever since the screams of the deceased have been mysteriously heard coming from between what used to be the produce section and aisle five.

Architectural bids on this enormous overhaul are being collected as we speak. If you or your company are interested in building a House Of 1,000 Corpses, you are urged to call the Scary Planning and Zoning Commission at 1-900-EAT-DEAD.

Johnnny’s 100th Post Retrospective

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My first one hundred posts. Pretty soon I can build a fence.

My first 100 posts. Now I can build a fence.

Since 100 is such a nice round number, I decided to use the occasion of my 100th post to take a trip down memory lane. It’s time to look back on my first 99 posts on FMObserver.

All posts are listed as hyperlinks in chronological order. About half of them will have a bonus link indicated as “(pic)” which will show the post’s associated picture, in its full glory. Enjoy!

1. Young Local Chess Master Has Big Plans
2. Cat Receiving Monthly Social Security Checks
3. Tom Cruise Certain Scientology Not A Hoax
4. Sam Houston Having Nightmares About Bison
5. Lunatics Banned From Washington DC
6. Gay Love Donkeys To Be Married
7. Boeing 787 Is (Almost) A Dream Machine
8. Dr. Finance Answer$ Your Money Question$
9. Elmo Charged With DUI and Public Disturbance (pic)
10. Fargo To Build System Of Tunnel Roads (pic)
11. Professional Pie Shoppe Franchise Opportunity (pic)
12. New Flashcards Make Learning Chinese Easy
13. Dog Show Winner Actually A Polar Bear! (pic)
14. State Insane Asylum Reopens Due To High Demand (pic)
15. Dr. Finance Answer$ Another $tupid Que$tion
16. Downtown Fargo To Have Permanent Alcohol Checkpoints (pic)
17. New Jersey Governor Making Fat Be Cool (pic)
18. VooDoo Sun Doctor To Fix Global Warming (pic)
19. Start Your Own Bucket List Club
20. Fargodome Target Of Wacko Protest Group
21. Fargo To Legalize Pot Holes (pic)
22. Barbara Walters Being Retired To A Stud Farm
23. Missing Artwork Has Authorities Perplexed (pic)
24. Winter Storm Xerxes Anger & Danger
25. New Barcode Causing Nausea & Vertigo (pic)
26. Many Restaurants Starting To Go Glutton-Free (pic)
27. Washington Redskins Name Change Contest
28. Learn To Count Just Like Indians (pic)
29. Time Traveler To Speak In Fargo 14 Months Ago (pic)
30. President Attacked By Young Tea Party Organizer (pic)
31. How To Say A Useful Phrase In 10 Languages (pic)
32. Timberlake Concert Cancelled, Replaced By Barrel O’ Monkeys (pic)
33. Goat-Boat Woman To Challenge The Mississippi (pic)
34. Area Cats Tripping On Acid (pic)
35. Are You A Loser?
36. Math Class Replaced By Black Jack Studies
37. New Bridge Freaking Some People Out (pic)
38. New Multi-Bike Is What’s Hot This Summer
39. Jail To Offer Square Dancing As Threat Or Bribe
40. Government Spy Birds Are Watching You
41. Paula Deen Dropped From Human Race
42. Red River Valley Fair Freak Show
43. FM Observer Wins Best Website Award
44. Google To Image Inside Of All Homes
45. White Man To Marry Black Bear (pic)
46. Obama To Take Over Leno’s Tonight Show
47. Russian 2014 Olympics To Be Celebration Of Gayness
48. An Interview With Vice President Dan Quayle
49. Hot New 2-Man White Rap Group Busts A Move
50. Pink Eye SuperBug Is Highly Contagious (pic)
51. New Government Board Game: The Red Line
52. FMO Interviews The Queen Of England (pic)
53. Time To Vote For the Worst In The FM Area
54. How To Get Rid Of Man Boobs
55. Local Artist Unveils New Masterpiece (pic)
56. Local Cemeteries To Double As Paintball Parks (pic)
57. Jodie Foster Admits To Being Part Alien (pic)
58. Government Healthcare Bullies Americans Into Giant SNAFU
59. Flamingo Union To Go On Strike (pic)
60. Santa’s Warning Letter To Naughty Children
61. New Trans-Sexual Hair Salon Opens In Moorhead
62. Downer Changing Its Name To Xanax (pic)
63. How To Build An Underground Bunker (pic)
64. Red River Diversion On Hold Due To Analysis Paralysis (pic)
65. Kangaroo Boxing Coming To Fargo (pic)
66. West Fargo Teacher Stung By A Sting Operation (pic)
67. Snoopy Banned From Parade For Using Inhalants (pic)
68. OBAMACAR: If You Like Your Car, You Can Keep Your Car (pic)
69. Coach Bohl To Become Pastor Bohl
70. FM Observer Invites Russians To Bookmark Our Website
71. McDonald’s To Introduce Two New Sandwiches
72. Get Your Ass To The Moon Soon
73. Results From Our Year-End Photo Caption Contest!
74. Do You Know Whose Mouth This Is?
75. Quarterback Aaron Rodgers Denies That He Denied Being Gay
76. Priceless Document Eaten By Fargo Dog
77. Dr. Fenster Helps Answer Some Baby Questions
78. Fargo Proud To Be Named Drunkest City In America
79. Breaking Bad Creating New Crop Of Chemists
80. North Korean Glee Club To Tour America (pic)
81. New Events Being Added To Winter Olympics
82. FM Observer Asks: How Fricking Cold Is It? (pic)
83. Justin Beaver Pleads Drunk To All Charges
84. New FDA Drug Approved For Your Sick Dog (pic)
85. Maui Parrot-Fish Learns To Speak Fluent Underwater English (pic)
86. Super Bowl Pizzas Delivered By Drones (pic)
87. Four Easy Steps To Self-Hypnotic Bliss (pic)
88. Free Personalized Valentine’s Day Gift Ideas
89. All-Candy Diet Promoted By Candy Companies (pic)
90. UFO Sighting In North Dakota Caught On Camera (pic)
91. The Queen Of England Wants Stonehenge Moved To Buckingham Palace
92. Help Fargo Police Investigate Convenience Store Robbery
93. Williston Overcrowding & Lack Of Housing Taking Its Toll (pic)
94. FM Observer Goes Corporate With Initial Public Offering (pic)
95. Blind Bowler Bowls Back-To-Back Perfect Games (pic)
96. New York Sinkhole Continues To Swallow Victims (pic)
97. Alarmists Say Rising Spring Temps Evidence Of Global Warming
98. Rust Bucket Becomes FMO’s New Corporate Vehicle (pic)
99. FMO Welcomes Its First Robot Writer To The Team (pic)
100. (pic)

Average Basketball League

Fargo To Introduce New Basketball League

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Average Basketball League

Fargo, ND – A new basketball league is being introduced for the first time in Fargo, North Dakota.

Fargo, North Dakota is going to roll out for the first time, a second basketball league said to compete with the NBA.

The ABL or Average Basketball League, is catered to average size people.  Nobody taller than 6’3 is allowed in the league.  The basketball hoop will be lowered a whole 3 feet which would bring it to a normal height of 7 feet total.  The basketball will be smaller.  Much smaller.  About the size of a softball in fact.  This way, everyone can get a good nice grip which they can slam home.

The rollout is expected to begin October 2015.  Teams will begin recruiting as early as this summer.  For the first season, 12 teams are expected to play.  As many as 2 -6 new teams may be added by 2016.  Some teams include the L.A Smells, Fargo Cold, and the Denver What Was I Just Doings.

Please contact the ABL if you are interested in playing in this new and exciting league for average sized people!

FMO Welcomes Its First Robot Writer To The Team

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caption here

Glen-1000 is working all day (and all night) for you.

Fargo, ND – The FM Observer is proud to announce that it’s added its first robot writer to our growing staff.

Humanoids still play an important role in the creation of well-written cutting-edge news stories, but robot writers are quickly proving their value in today’s fast-paced world.

While the rest of our team is fast asleep, FMO’s new robot writer, whose name is Glen-1000, never needs to take a break, except for maybe an occasional drop of oil to an elbow or wrist.

While everyone else is perhaps complaining about not getting paid or venting about Obamacare, Glen-1000 types away with total focus on the task at hand.

If you have any story ideas for Glen-1000, he is looking for lots of work to keep him busy.

When asked what Glen-1000 thinks about all this, here was his response:

<begin> Happy to be on the ship with FM Observer dot com <break> Fargo Moorhead seems like an adequate place to exist <break> Hopefully my advanced programming brings pleasure when you read my words <break> Glen-1000 is ready to multi-task for you so contact me day or night <break> If your brain produces an idea for a story, Glen-1000 will research, write, and post all pertinent information in a timely fashion <break> I am Glen-1000, the most advanced RoboWriter in the world….until Glen-2000 comes along <terminate>

Fargo Inmate To Represent North Dakota In National Scared Straight Competition

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Inmate Postulates Proposed Pisspants Pennant

scared

#04627 dispensing the fear

Fargo, ND—Cass County Jail inmate #04627 has been chosen to represent North Dakota in this year’s Scared Straight International Competition being held at Idaho State Penitentiary this coming May.

Scared Straight International™ will be staging its yearly tournament Saturday, May 24th in which a chosen convict from each of the 50 states competes to scare the pp out of a very unlucky flock of hand-picked juvenile offenders.

The inmate who causes the most pisspants, wins. Texas State Prison repeat offender #55096-874 is last year’s reigning champion and will prove a worthy adversary to #04627 who was selected from a long list of area intimidators to attend this year’s tournament. He couldn’t be more enraged.

Presenter Zay atTexas Prison Museum 200x250

Returning champion #55096-874

“To represent my state in a national screaming competition such as this has been a furious dream of mine,” 04627 said, angrily. “Scaring the sweat out of waterbelly teens has been my life’s passion ever since sentencing. Facing down pisspants juveniles on behalf of my state in a national scaring competition is literally the top of the mountain for me. This is a big moment.”

Experts are saying that if #04627 can exert a consistent 3-out-of-5 pisspants ratio, he has a shot at taking home the Scared Straight Tournament crown.

Good luck, #04627!

Fargo Invaders Football Team

Bill Burns Makes The Fargo Invaders Team

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Fargo Invaders Football Team

Follow the arrows and see Bill Burns at practice.

 

Fargo, ND – After an exhausting 2 weeks of waiting, the wait is finally over. Bill Burns has received word via postal mail that he did indeed make the Fargo Invaders football team. As you can see from the picture above, he was pictured practicing which confirms the rumors.  He can be seen working very hard.

It is not sure exactly what position Bill will be playing.  Coach stated that Bill is very useful and could prove helpful on and definitely off the field.  Activities such as making sure everyone has their underwear washed, bathroom cleaning, water boy etc etc are all positions we may see Bill play.

Bill is very versatile.

He can attack off field duties without a hiccup.  On-field he is a force to be reckoned with.  Maybe we will see him as second string punter or 4th string safety.

Just last week Bill sat in the same spot on the bench long enough to warm up that bench position spot to a toasty 70 degrees.  He did this to make sure the quarterback had a warm place to sit when off the field.  Now does that sound like a MVP or what?

Keep an eye on Bill Burns.  We can see records being broken first game.  Records all shattered by Bill Burns.

Rust Bucket Becomes FMO’s New Corporate Vehicle

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here

The FM Observer unveils its new armored vehicle.

Fargo, ND – Since the FM Observer recently went public with its IPO, we made another important executive decision: to purchase our official corporate vehicle.

Consider this post as the unveiling of our new FM Observer-mobile. It may look like a RustBucket to some, but believe us when we say it is a veritable fortress on wheels. We call it “The Tank”.

But don’t think we bought it for our own pleasure and aggrandizement. We bought it for YOU! So that we can better serve YOU, our faithful readers.

Yes, The Tank will certainly help us get from Point A to Point B, but Point B might just be your front door. Now, if there’s a hot story in your neck of the woods that you want us to cover, just give us a call and watch for The Tank to show up.

Now, if we’re under fire from certain questionable articles we’ve written, look for us to be hiding out In The Tank. And we’re not just doing it for our own personal protection. No, we’re doing it for YOU, so that we can survive, to live another day, in order to bring YOU more important articles about the issues that YOU believe in.

(But if as a bonus, The Tank turns out to be a majorly fun Party Barge, that would obviously be some sweet icing on the cake, and we would not have a problem with that.)

Fargo Group Making Serious Run At Perfect March Madness Bracket

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officesetup

Bracket Central

Fargo, ND—Basketball fans have been guessing the March Madness tournament for decades. Every year, it seems, contestant stakes have been getting higher and higher. Cash prizes as well as bragging rights are among the available rewards for having the most accurate prediction.

The odds of you picking every single game correctly are roughly four trillion to one. Local March Madman Ryan Noisewater wants badly to destroy these odds. He’s crafted a master plan to win.

Hours before all the bracket challenges went live we spoke with Ryan to find out just what it takes to nail the perfect bracket.

“My hand-picked Bracket Posse spent the winter creating throw-away email accounts that can be used multiple times for any and every bracket challenge on the planet,” Ryan says. “We’re armed with two computers per guy–one ergonomic mouse for each arm and each machine has multiple monitors and replacement hardware on-site in case of computer malfunction. We run equipped with eighteen crates of Mountain Dew, prepaid masseuses, bedpans, and very limited basketball knowledge. We are ready.”

Ryan says he’s taken every factor into account during clinical trials he and his crew ran during the NCAA offseason. “We experimented with bracket completion possibility throughput via time-tested computer algorithms; how many left-clicks one hand can complete in a given second and how many seconds it takes to open an account and complete a bracket,” he explained. “This is how we’re cramming as many brackets as humanly possible into the system. I’ve also developed a simple equation in which you memorize a sequence of numbers (according to seed) and pick your teams in such a way that none of the brackets my team generates in the time allotted will be the same. One guy works with this set of numbers, the other guy works with that set of numbers. One of our brackets is bound to hit.”

By now, Ryan and his bracket posse should be hard at work clicking numbers and sucking down Dew in an effort to claim their trophy.

Alarmists Say Rising Spring Temps Evidence Of Global Warming

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Temperatures are on the rise due to Spring global warming.

Temperatures are on the rise due to Spring global warming.

Globe Village, MA – Global Warmers are pointing to rising temperatures in the northern hemisphere as proof positive of deadly Global Warming.

What about the southern hemisphere?

Dr. Julian Zellus of the Global Warming Alarm Centre (GWAC) answers: “No, we are only talking about above the equator, for now. And what we are seeing is a rapid increase in average temperatures. We believe this is quite indicative of a very serious Global Warming problem caused by a build-up of toxic carbon dioxide in the atmosphere.”

Unverified statistics coming out of GWAC show there can be no denying that temperatures are on the rise. Numbers strongly indicate that after a record cold winter, the average temperatures across the country are shooting up an astounding 20-30 degrees in just one month. Dr. Zellus nervously suspects: “As the snow melts due to sudden rising temperatures, water levels will begin to rise in lakes and oceans, just as we’ve been predicting.”

What can be done to stop the pending total destruction of the world?

The Global Warming Alarm Centre is pushing for the creation of a hefty new world-wide Global Warming tax. All proceeds from this tax would go directly to GWAC to study this critical problem. But first, they would have to build their posh new Super Center Alarm Megaplex (or SCAM) which will have its own private airport: The Albert Gore Jr. International Global Warming Airport.