Lyan Lochte Falsely Reports That Zika Caused His Hair Color Change

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Lochte’s hair reportedly changed color prematurely after the Zika Virus held a gun to his head while drunk in a gas station bathroom.

Lochte Lomond, CA – Ryan Lochte who first reported that his hair changed color after becoming infected with the Zika Virus now admits that he personally dyed his hair while drunk at a gas station bathroom in Rio.

After sobering up back in the Olympic Village, Lochte’s wallet somehow was found inside his mother’s purse which were both discovered by a security guard at a gas station bathroom in Des Moines, Iowa.

Lochte also confessed to adding toxic green algae to the Olympic diving pool on a dare from his swimmates Jack Congo, Gunner Bends, and Jimmy Fallon.

Subsequent to serving time in a Brazilian prison for conduct unbecoming of an Olympic athlete, Lyan Ryan Lochte plans to permanently move to Brazil since becoming good friends with some of the Brazilian police officers who investigated this truly bizarre case.

Ryan Lochte Found Hiding In Swimming Pool

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Ok, whatever

Sorry I guess, and junk

Rochester, NY – Amidst controversy over statements made to A Polícia Brasileira, Ryan Lochte had been sought for questioning until today. With help, A Polícia Brasileira have located Lochte hiding in his favorite training facility swimming pool.

The Olympic swimmer had been hiding underwater for 15 minute intervals until A Polícia Brasileira detained him via a non-anonymous tip.

“I mean, like, oops? I just didn’t want to get my bros in trouble, so, like, I made it sound like, like, it, like, was like, a robbery or whatever,” said a stammering Lochte, whose body temperature had fallen tremendously after sitting for 3 straight days submerged in água fria.

“O dopey swimmer vai responder to falsificação de informações,” said enforcer of A Polícia Brasileira Janio Almeida, who chose to locate-extricate Lochte under condition of anonymity via diplomatic immunity.

Lochte will now reluctantly meet with A Polícia Brasileira to discuss what to do about what he told A Polícia Brasileira. He will remain in the United States since A Polícia Brasileira have now confiscated his passaporte.

Pokemon Go Trainer Wants Your Ass In His Class

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OmryPeled4

Glef Chryznc: Poketrain with him, or you’re nothing.

Fargo, ND – There is high local demand for Pokegoods and Pokeservices now that the hot new app Pokemon Go has taken America by storm. People of all ages are looking to level-up as they embark on a quest to “catch them all” as quickly as possible. Unfortunately for some, leveling up requires a combination of physical as well as mental ability. The pokemon aren’t going to come to you.

Enter Glef Chryznc. Glef is the sole proprietor of “ChryzPhit” a crossfit gym on the outskirts of town. This gym specializes in crossfit training, but as the need for Poketrainers continues to grow, Glef has decided to moonlight as a Poketrainer at his facility in Northeast Fargo.

His last name also has ZERO vowels, so be confident he can amp your gains.

Poketrainin’ = fun!

Glef will run you through crossfit-ish parkour training to get you up trees and atop buildings. You will also undergo rigorous hand-eye coordination drills that are sure to hone your Pokeskills.

Glef claims he can transform you into a Pokehunting machine in as little as five days. 

The facility is open Monday thru Friday from midnight to noon, then noon to midnight. Weekends hours are 12:00 to midnight. Holiday hours are midnight to midnight.

Grab life by the pokeballs at ChryzPhit!

FMObserver Lights Candle For World Peace

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FMO's World Peace Candle has been lit to show that we care more than you.

FMO’s World Peace Candle has been lit to show that we care more than others.

West Fargo, ND – In observation of World Peace Month, your FMObserver has decided to light our Peace Candle for world peace.

In honor of those who have gone before us to fight for peace, we humbly bow to their efforts to provide us the opportunity to keep those hopes and dreams alive for future generations of peace fighters such as ourselves.

Hopefully our Peace Candle will be seen from Winnipeg to Wahpeton and beyond.

If you would like to donate to the cause, please stop by our corporate headquarters with cash or bitcoins.

We will make sure your donations are immediately reported to the IRS.

Next month we will be doing our annual Climate Change fundraiser at which both hot and cold appetizers will be served by members of the FMObserver kitchen staff.

If you have any suggestions for food items, please contact Mable McCook and speak slowly.

Milkshakes A Great Way To Add Poundage

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Why just have one chocolate milkshake when you can just as easily have two?!

Why have one chocolate milkshake when you can just as easily have two?!

West Fargo, ND – Are you underweight and trying to put on a few extra pounds to increase your gravitas? Are you tired of being bullied by some thin man up in the bully pulpit?

Milkshakes have been found to be an excellent way to add those desired pounds while enjoying every sip of the process.

As a public service, some of us at the FMObserver took it upon ourselves to test all the chocolate milkshakes available in the Fargo-Moorhead area.

Based on the number of calories per milkshake along with the overall flavor and thickness, we were going to list the names of the places we recommend most.

We even went so far as to do a Double Blind study where we each ordered two (2) chocolate milkshakes from each establishment and drank them while wearing a blindfold.

Interestingly, we found that we could cheaply make great milkshakes in the privacy of our own homes by using vanilla ice cream, whole milk, and Hersey’s chocolate syrup, where we didn’t even need to limit ourselves to two per sitting.

In conclusion: We can report that consuming at least two chocolate milkshakes per meal for at least two months is certainly a good way to add some extra needed weight when possibly bulking up for fall football, trying to qualify for the Biggest Loser Show, or just wanting to command more respect when you walk into a room full of thin people who maybe have not yet heard about your awesomely effective milkshake diet.

Ask For Your ‘Free Beer’ During Free Beer Week!

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Since it's free, you might as well ask for it.

Since it’s free, you might as well ask for it.

Fargo, ND – All across the region, it is once again Free Beer Week!

This will be the Second Annual Free Beer Week since last year’s kickoff was so well received.

If you find yourself at one of the many participating bars or restaurants in the area, simply ask for your Free Beer during Free Beer Week!

Various ways of asking for your Free Beer:

“Yeah, I think I’ll take my Free Beer now. Thanks!”

“Since it’s Free Beer Week, I might as well participate.”

“Got any of those Free Beers left, partner?”

What some people are saying about Free Beer Week:

Sven Carlos verbalized: “I love Free Beer Week! More things should be free, like movie theater tickets.”

Saradoc Tunnelly retorted: “Someone once bought me a free lunch but there were strings attached.”

Eglantine Labingi declared: “Could we have Free Beer Week like maybe once a month?”

Olafia Zaragamba exclaimed: “Whoever thought of Free Beer Week should get an award.”

Baldur Hornblower uttered: “If you don’t want your free beer, could I perhaps have it?”

Fisherman Catches Rainbow Trout On Internet Using Clickbait

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Man catches fish online using clickbait!

Man catches fish online using clickbait!

Baiting Hollow, NY – As predicted, a man has actually caught a real live rainbow trout on the internet using only clickbait for a lure.

Mr. Clarity “Clare” Bostick of 4104 Melm Street in Baiting Hollow, New York now holds the record for the largest (and only) fish to be caught online using only clickbait.

“Let me be perfectly Clare, I was surprised as hell when I reeled in this beauty off the internet, using only clickbait!” said Clare Bostick of Melm Street.

Ironically, Clare’s wife is the first person to officially catch the Zika Virus from an app on her smartphone.

Both Clare and Clarissa Bostick of Melm Street attempted to post these unique events on Facebook but due to a new anti-clickbait algorithm, Facebook would not only not accept their posts but went on to delete their entire Facebook accounts.

Moral of the story: Do not use clickbait on Facebook or anything that even rhymes with clickbait such as trick plate, pick mate, kick straight, brick weight, and quick hate because these will not only not get published on the Facebook but will also cost you your Facebook membership for life.

Zika Fears Creating Need For Last-Minute Olympic Substitutes

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#1,234 ranked golfer John Daly says yes to participating in the Zika Games.

#1,234 ranked golfer John Daly says yes to participating in the Zika Games.

Rio, Braziliana – Unexpected opportunities for unlikely Olympic participants are being caused by Olympic qualifiers deciding to not go to the Rio Games due to Zikaphobia.

After years of training, sacrificing, and qualifying for the 2016 Summer Olympic Games, many athletes who should be going are not.

Since none of the American Men’s Golf Team qualifiers are participating due to Zikaphobia, players such as John Daly, who is currently ranked #1,234 in the world, are stepping up to represent their country.

In some other Olympic competitions, substitutes with literally zero experience in that sport are volunteering to give it a shot.

Toby Smucker, who has never thrown a shotput in his life, will be representing the USA in the shotput event.

Amanda Garson, who has a chronic bad ankle, will be competing for her country in the Women’s 200 meter hurdle event.

If you would like to participate in the 2016 Rio Games, please contact the American Olympics Committee as soon as possible and indicate what sport(s) you would like to try.

Scientists Warn: Sugarloaf Mountain Fermenting In Polluted Rio de Janeiro Bay

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rio sugar loaf compressed

Water into wine

Rio de Janeiro, Brazil – Water pollution isn’t the only thing tainting the enchanting landscape of Rio de Janeiro, home of the 2016 Summer Olympics. Scientists now warn that the polluted Guanabara Bay in Rio is rotting a famous landmark.

Sugarloaf Mountain, or Pão de Açúcar as it’s called in its native tongue. The mountain gets its name from its shape: a loaf of refined cane sugar. Unfortunately, it bisects Guanabara Bay and the Atlantic Ocean. As you can see in the graphic, it’s in a precarious position.

Bictor Tedhanger

Crackpot Geologist Bictor Tedhanger

Geologist Bictor Tedhanger warns that the mighty Sugarloaf is falling victim to the pollution of its neighboring bay. He threw some geographical jargon at this alarming fact. “Peak elevation of Sugarloaf’s baserock structure has reduced 8.594 cm per year over the past 14.2948 years, partly due to global warming but mostly due to water pollution. The Sugarloaf bedrock is, in essence, fermenting, turning Guanabara Bay into toilet wine.”

The best part about Pão de Açúcar is you can ride a cable car up to the top and see the entire city. It’s a spectacular view, but for how much longer? Either they clean up the bay, or Sugarloaf melts into the ocean. 

Sugarloaf Mountain will need to be renamed Sugarloaf Butte or Sugarloaf Hill if and when it falls below a certain height. Scientists urge you to use it while you can, before its sugar loaf dissolves.

West Acres Mall Stolen By Man Dressed As Security Guard

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Forensic photographers capture images of the crime scene where West Acres Mall was stolen.

Forensic photographers capture images of the crime scene where West Acres Mall was allegedly stolen.

Fargo, ND – The West Acres Mall was allegedly “stolen” during the night but investigators on the scene are still only using the phrase “temporarily missing”.

Unfortunately, police do not have the luxury of looking at any good security camera footage because that was also stolen, along with the entire mall.

By cleverly monitoring Facebook chatter, officials believe they are looking for a former mall security officer named S. Rae Hickok because of his claim on social media: “I just stole the West Acres Mall!”

Needless to say, West Acres Mall will be closed today and until this crime is solved.

In the meantime, if you have any information about this case or if you happen see the West Acres Mall somewhere, please call your local authorities immediately for a possible reward.