An unfortunate history of unlucky players (via Wikipedia)

Cleveland, OH—An FM Observer investigative report concludes without a doubt that a number of surefire first-round NFL draft picks have been under-performing for scouts at the combine and during private team workouts in an effort to reduce the likelihood that the Cleveland Browns football team will pick them with the #4 overall selection.

The Observer spoke candidly with a number of potential top-10 recruits who all seemed to reflect a similar distaste for the Browns franchise.

“If you look at it, this is Cleveland’s 7th top-ten pick since 2004. They haven’t been getting any better as a result. Just between you and me…I don’t want any part of it. A couple million bucks is worth falling from 4 to 6 if it means not playing for them,” said first-round hopeful Johnny Manziel. “Could I make the team better? Maybe I could, up until they cut me. Let’s face it–we all know the Browns aren’t winning any Super Bowls. Not in this lifetime.”

Blake Bortles, who is projected to go in the top 10, sat uncomfortably as we talked about the possibility of him being taken #4 overall. “I think I’m top-five material, but man, when Cleveland brought me in for a workout…I…I really stunk it up. I threw with my left arm instead of my right in hopes that they wouldn’t like me. I also guessed randomly on the Wonderlic. That should throw them off my trail. Damn…being a top-five prospect is scary. The risk outweighs the reward. Big time.”

A.J. McCarron cut right to the chase during his sit-down interview. “Signing a 4-year contract with Cleveland is every player’s worst nightmare,” he said. “I lay awake at night, sweating, biting my nails, fearfully imagining what life would be like as a Brown. Sure, there’s money, but you…you’re a Brown. It’s a death sentence. Yay! Every Sunday I get to suit up in that ugly uniform, take a cold-weather beating, then explain to the media what went wrong. No thank you.”