Tag Archives: military

Space Farce Soon Recruiting Members In Fargo

Welcome to Space Farce: The future beckons you to join up.

Force, Pennsylvania – What do you get if you combine the military with the future? The answer is: President Trump’s new Space Farce!

Have you been wanting to get away from home and go see the universe? Then consider joining Space Farce!

Are you a nobody who wishes you could someday become a major somebody? Then ponder joining Space Farce!

When you look up at the stars, do you wish others would look up to you like you’re a star? Then join Space Farce!

Do you feel like you were perhaps born to shoot laser guns at others way out in space, while doing the space walk, all while wearing adult diapers? Join Space Farce!

Is 6 your favorite number? Then it is time you join the 6th branch of the military: Space Farce!

Military Developing Pink Night Vision Just For Female Fighters

Pink is the new Green.

Pink, Oklahoma – The U.S. Military working in conjunction with the color pink has come up with new pink night-vision goggles for its female fighting force.

The traditional green phosphor night-vision was designed for males whose eyes are more sensitive to the green color pallet.

But Dr. Ivon Pinski who heads up Project Pink says the female eye is most sensitive to fifty shades of pink.

Dr. Pinski: “Ya, we pink this will really help our female combat warriors during night-time missions. Plus it shows we care about all pink causes without having to wear a pink ribbon on their already pink camouflage fatigues.”

Coincidentally, all the letters in Ivon Pinski can be re-arranged into: Pink Vision!

In Honor Of Humpday, Defense Dept Introduces An Old/New Military Weapon

The Zumbooruk is a mobile cannon shot from the back of a camel.

Zumbrota, MN – Cleverly being introduced on Humpday, the U.S. Military is proud to unveil one of its newest weapons to be used in conquering the world.

It is called the Zumbooruk which is a cannon shot from the back of a one-humped camel.

Even tho this idea has been around for centuries, secret military research and testing has spent billions developing this new state-of-the-art weaponry.

Due to a dearth of camels in the United States, all of the camels from zoos across the country (including Fargo’s Red River Zoo) will be called up for military duty and fitted with their very own Zumbooruk. 

Trump To Use LGBTQ To Make America Great Again

LGBTQ helping to make America great again!

Lazear, CO – In an effort to keep his promise to make American great again, President Trump will be using the LGBTQ for military weapons testing.

As we all know, L.G.B.T.Q. stands for Laser Guided Bomb Testing Quadrants.

These are special areas set aside by the federal government for testing the latest new secret laser-guided bomb technologies which can be used to shoot anything from anywhere with perfect pinpoint accuracy.

Working in conjuction with the U.S. Military on this impotent project are the two leading companies in the laser technology field: The Raytheon Company and The Gaytheon Company.

President Trump tweeted: “I’d like to thank all the members of the LGBTQ community for developing these new laser guided bomb technologies and testing them in these designated testing quadrants some of which will be strategically located near the home districts of some of my Democrat friends in Congress.”

President Trump To Make Salvation Army Part Of U.S. Military

Salvation Army to join U.S. Military per President Trump.

Trump Tower, NY – On Day One of his presidency, President Donald Trump stuck to his campaign promise to make the Salvation Army an equal member of the United States Military.

“This is going to be huge, folks, trust me, it’s going to be great,” uttered the in-coming president.

“Now bell ringers with guns will be able to ring their bells and forcibly collect money all over the world.”

A surprised spokesman for the Salvation Army was overheard in the bathroom saying that “this all has come as quite a shock to both the leadership and rank & file workers of the Salvation Army. I most certainly hope we are all somewhat trained in the use of guns and one-on-one personal self-defense combat fighting!”

A spokeswoman for the new Trump Administration recently announced that each and every existing fricking governmental…
1. department, 2. agency, 3. division, and 4. bureaucracy
will first be…
1. reviewed, 2. interviewed, and 3. analyzed
and then either…
1. downsized, 2. amalgamated, or 3. completely eliminated.

Editor’s Note: Obviously, in the case of the Salvation Army, it is being amalgamated.

Military Raising The Bar On Combat Readiness Test

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Pull-ups now considered to be cruel and unusual.

Columbia, SC – At Fort Michael Jackson, where most of the army recruits go for basic training, the Military is changing its testing to see who “makes it” and who goes home.

Gone are the days of push-ups, pull-ups, and a two-mile fun run.

The Army no longer wants to test fitness but rather combat readiness.

The FM Observer has learned of some of the new tests that hopeful recruits will have to withstand.

The Military’s New Combat Readiness Test:

1. How many times can you get up off your couch and run to the kitchen for a beer (and drink it) in five minutes?
2. Can you lift and carry a full box of Twinkies without opening it and eating any?
3. How quickly can you walk through an obstacle course while txting an encrypted message on your iPhone?
4. Can you find five randomly selected items on the Internet using Google search?
5. How long does it take you to fall asleep and then wake up and perfectly make your bed?
6. Can you cook and then eat an edible omelette using some randomly chosen ingredients?
7. After some shots of tequila, can you legibly sign your name and then properly parallel park a Hummer?
8. How long does it take you to find North after being blindfolded and spun around?
9. Can you remember and repeat back a list of ten items which might be found in a hardware store?
10. How long can you hold your breath while they drive by to spray for the Zika Virus?

US Military Top-Secret Balloon Dog On The Loose

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Runaway dog answers to the name Schnitzel.

Harrisburg, PA – A very large runaway military doggy balloon was recently seen in the skies around Harrisburg, Pennsylvania.

The giant brownish wiener dog-shaped balloon is reportedly for a special military mission to “smell out” trouble.

It’s radar technology is as sensitive as it is expensive (over $200,000,000).

Unfortunately, this top-secret balloon dog somehow broke free from its leash and decided to go looking for some friends or perhaps a very large fire hydrant.

If you happen to see this 200 foot dog-shaped balloon (who answers to the name Schnitzel), please call your local Dog Catcher for immediate assistance.