Tag Archives: minimum wage

Minnesota Raising Legal Cigarette Smoking Age To Fifty

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Minnesota’s new minimum age to smoke cigarettes is now 50.

St. Paul, MN – In what many consider to be a bold move, Minnesota is upping the minimum legal age to smoke cigarettes to fifty (50).

“Yes, we believe this is the right thing to do, so this is the reason why we are doing what we are doing,“ says Geier Stockmaster, who authored the bill.

Studies have shown that people who wait until age 50 to start smoking cigarettes increase their chances of living to age 65 by a factor of 10 (assuming they don’t get rear-ended by a distracted driver travelling at 50 mph).

How do you feel about Minnesota’s new minimum age to smoke?

How would you feel if the minimum wage was $50 per hour?

How would you like free Dilly Bars for the rest of your life?

Ironically, all the letters in Geier Stockmaster can be re-arranged to spell: Cigarette Smokers!

Obama Pens Exec Order Forcing All States To Raise Min Wage To $30/Hour By 2040

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I can do whatever I want because I have all these pens.

I can do whatever I want because I am President and I have all these pens.

Washington, DC – Not to be outdone by Governor Jerry Brown in California, President Obama just signed into law via another Executive Order, a new law which mandates that all 57 states increase their minimum wage to $30 per hour by the year 2040.

If that seems like a big increase, the President defends it by pointing out that it’s less than a dollar per year: “It comes out to only 83.3 cents per year, aaaand, I would bet that most people have 83 cents underneath their couch cushions”, says Obama.

But what about the issue of Big Government dictating yet another unfunded mandate to the private sector which in reality will cause many businesses to cut staff or even close their doors permanently?

To that, the President retorts: “Big Government is always willing to help. In this case, we can provide another bail-out program to assist struggling businesses, or with the stroke of my pens, I can sign another Executive Order which will disallow businesses to cut staff aaaand permanently close their doors.”

Ancient Roman Ruins Found Just South Of Jamestown, North Dakota

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Early Roman settlement found South of Jamestown, North Dakota

Early Roman settlement found South of Jamestown, North Dakota

Gackle, ND – A lone deer hunter accidentally discovered some ancient Roman ruins near the town of Gackle, North Dakota.

The Romans are believed to have settled in this rural area of North Dakota after Columbus gave them a ride to America on the Santa Maria.

It is believed that while here, digging for Tyrannosaurus rex bones (which unfortunately became extinct because they tried to raise their minimum wage to exorbitant levels), the Romans were killed off by the Fighting Sioux out of Grand Forks, who were in turn, later wiped out by the NCAA, a notorious left-leaning bureaucracy specializing in political correctness.

To view these amazing Roman ruins with your very own eyes, simply drive straight South out of Jamestown down to County Road 46. Then head on West towards Gackle where you’ll turn onto County Road 56. Go a few miles South where you will want to eventually turn left onto an unmarked gravel road which is near an old barn that’s seen better days. Drive down that gravel road “for awhile” until you see a barbwire fence by some circular hay bales which look like unfrosted maxi-wheats. Then, get out of your car with your camera and cigarettes, and walk about a half mile in any direction, and yell: “Where the hell am I?!”