Tag Archives: puppy monkey baby

Jimmy Kimmel Being Investigated For Using Unlicensed Monkey To Prepare His Taxes

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Jimmy Kimmel’s attorney allegedly paid this monkey $130,000 to prepare Jimmy Kimmel’s tax return.

Hollywood, CA – Comedy King Jimmy Kimmel, who once claimed that he used a dog to prepare his tax return, has now been told he’s being investigated for allegedly using an unlicensed monkey to do his tax work.

Tax auditors admit the monkey is a hard worker and has built quite the monkey business; basically, whenever there’s work to be done, if monkey see it, monkey do it.

Mr. Kimmel is trying to defend his actions by claiming the monkey is considered family, as Kimmel is supposedly the monkey’s uncle.

Sign Up To Join The FMO Birthday Club For Only $100

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For a mere $100, you will enjoy all the perks of being a proud member of the FMO Birthday Club.

West Fargo, ND – Are you a person who has a birthday and who likes to have fun? Have you been looking for a way to make perfunctory birthdays more functory?

May we suggest that you join the FM Observer Birthday Club by sending us all of your personal identifying information, along with $100 for shipping and handling.

From there, the possibilities are endless!

On or near your birthday, you may receive a personal call or visit from The Pope who might even give you a free rosary, and show you different cool things you can do with it!

We may do a satirically fake-news post about you on our website and unleash it to go viral in South Dakota!

You possibly could get any number of hot pizzas delivered to your current GPS location and/or multiple singing telegrams by entire robed church choirs!

Your name might be entered into a drawing to travel with us to Goosey Goosey Island for an endless bonfire weekend where you may be taught our secret double handshake and possibly be given your very own emergency whistle.

By joining the FMO Birthday Club for only $100, you could maybe win a lifetime supply of some random items selected especially for you.

Finally, for any new and fully-paid members to the FMO Birthday Club, you will not only be invited to go to the Humane Society and select yourself a free puppy, but you will also get to name it and keep it for the rest of your lives!

Mummified Monkey Successfully Brought Back To Life

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Experts bring mummified monkey back to life by using miraculous new technique.

Dayton, OH – After discovering a mummified monkey in an old department store’s duct work, a team of mummiologists was called in to see if anything could be done to save the mortalized monkey.

Dr. Odem Kenady, who headed up the team, said this upon being called to save the dead monkey: “We believe we now have the technology to bring mummified monkeys back to life, by slowly adding banana water to their desiccated carcass, thus allowing their body cells to literally come back to life right before our eyes. We need to at least try because: mummified monkeys matter!”

After the monkey was miraculously brought back to life by Dr. Kenady, and then deemed to be in fairly stable condition, the original owner of the miracle monkey was contacted, who said: “For the last 50 years, I’ve been wondering where my little Jo-Jo disappeared to!”

Jo-Jo is now enjoying some banana soup after 50 years of mummification.

Ironically, all the letters in Odem Kenady can be resuscitated to spell: Dead Monkey!

The New Rage Is Having A Purse Puppy

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To be cool, you need a Purse Puppy!

Pursglove, WV – Fashion trenders are strongly pointing to Purse Puppies as the latest in the super hip new thing for 2018.

“If you want to be cutting-edge cool this year, you definitely need a Purse Puppy!” says Manon Gadbois of Trend Magazine.

Fact #1: Everyone agrees that the person walking through the airport with a Purse Puppy is who everyone is looking at.

Fact #2: No one disagrees that the coolest thing in the world is having a Puppy in your Purse.

Warning: 2018 is the year of the Purse Puppy, so you better Puppy Up, or be square with a non-puppied purse.

World Famous Jazz Monkey Set To Wow Fargo Jazz Aficionados

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Thelonius Monkey set to take Fargo’s hot new jazz stage and wow the crowd with his unique world-class sounds!

Fargo, ND – If you are a major jazz aficionado like we are, you are in for a real treat when Thelonius Monkey comes to town with his unique jazz sounds that have won the world over and put him in the main international jazz spotlight.

“Having been playing his own kind of new-age jazz since age zero, Thelonius Monkey is his own idol and mentor. There’s really no one that can teach him anything because he does it all,” says Groove Magazine’s chief editor, Dig Jazzstone.

Thelonius Monkey describes his music as 50% eclectic, 50% electric, and 50% hectic.

He once heard a woman humming an abstruse tune at the grocery store and then immediately went home and recorded his own version of it which became his first jazz hit called Ba Nanny, which quickly jumped to #1 on the Simian Jazz charts.

For hard-to-get tickets to see the incredible Thelonius Monkey do his thing in Fargo, simply call 1-800-JAZZ-MONKEY and book your hot seats now!

May Is Take-Your-Pet-Water-Skiing Month

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Good times begin NOW!

Detroit Lakes, MN – With global warming moving into Minnesota lakes country, dogs and cats all across the region are excitedly anticipating hitting the water for some seriously fun water sports.

Your FM Observer is unofficially declaring that May is officially National Take-Your-Pet-Water-Skiing Month.

What puppy or kitten would not want to be dragged around a lake behind a boat to show the rest of the world that they have arrived?

Never mind the fact that the frigid water is only about 40 degrees because pets are warm-blooded meaning they were essentially designed for this type of activity.

Please send us photos of your proud pets showing off their lake-patrolling party prowess for a chance to win free a free meal at the brand new All-It-Can-Eat Pet Buffet House.

Puppy Monkey Baby Placed On Endangered Species List

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endangered

Critically Endangered

 

Another unfortunate living organism has found its way onto the World Wildlife Fund’s endangered species list.

Canis Homo Chimpus, or Puppy Monkey Baby as it is more affectionately known, has been given a conservation status of “critically endangered” by the WWF. There is but one known living species of Puppy Monkey Baby; the one that lit up the hearts and minds of millions of unsuspecting viewers during that bonkers Mountain Dew® commercial which aired during Super Bowl 50.

This species’ environmental habitat is considered urban, however, actual whereabouts of the last Puppy Monkey Baby are not known.

It is said that if you encounter Puppy Monkey Baby, you would be wise to approach it without caution as it is extremely hilarious.