Tag Archives: satire

FMObserver Soon To Open University Dedicated To Teaching Fake News

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West Fargo, ND – A dream of our FMO Founding Fathers will soon come to pass: Having our very own university entirely focused on teaching every asspect of Fake News.

What began as a basic remote summer camp with a few tents will soon proudly be a full-scale university with doors, toilets and even a secretary or two.

FMO University will be the first fully accredited school in the USA offering undergraduate and overgraduate degrees in fake news, satire, creative writing, writing therapy, libel, and humor. Students can focus on one area of study or any combination therein/thereof.

Doctor Jock Livingstone: “As Dean of the FMObserver Univershity, I’m so very proud to represent the future of Fake News for generations to come, as mankind travels down the pathology to its own destiny in the iClouds. You can bet your sweet bippy that this wonderful school of higher learning will be attended by my kids, their kids, and their kids’ kids, and so on and so forth, so help me God.”

The FM Observer Is Shutting Down. For Good.

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Bye. Sayonara. Bon voyage. Arrivederci. Honolulu. Outie. Chow.

Fargo, ND—With a little over four years of incredibly touching amateur satire under its belt, Fargo-Moorhead’s only fake news agency is calling it quits. The FM Observer is shutting down permanently, as of this evening.

What once was a vessel for completely made-up, imaginative, sometimes thought-provoking, Absurdly Observative™ fake news articles is becoming a thing of the past. In a statement released this morning, FMO Staff bid the internet a fond farewell:

“Over the years we’ve gleefully provided the worldwide web with our own personal dose of imaginative fairy-tale news coverage. The fact that we’re fresh out of ideas coupled with an expired internet domain registry was a sign from Above that now would be the best time to pull the plug. What a ride it’s been! We couldn’t be happier with how it all turned out. Well……actually, that’s not true.  We could’ve written better articles.”

Observer staff members will soon be released back into the wild, free again to roam the forests, screaming at squirrels and conjuring Dark Spirits.

The FM Observer would like to thank our sponsors, of which there are none.

Thanks for reading! This website will self-destruct at 23:59 CST. [end]

FM Observer Announces Summer Camp 4 New Observers

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You will love spending time with Mother Nature and her mosquitos will love you.

The FM Observer is excited 2 announce FMO Summer Camp. If you like 2 have a good time and are considering satirical writing as your chosen profession, then this camp is totally 4 you. This year’s exciting theme is: Imagine The Possibilities!

Each camp outing is a full 1-day experience which is cleverly sandwiched between 2 nights of sleeping in a tent. Here is the likely schedule 4 your full day of training…

DAY BREAKER (at Sun Rise)
Meet & Greet/Coffee & Name Tags: This is a chance 2 suck down some hot java, shake off the cobwebs, make some good first impressions, and try 2 find your phone. Each camper makes their own nametag by using a wood burner on a thin slice of authentic birchwood, which is then held around your neck with a real leather cord!

EARLY MORNING SESSIONS (All sessions are taught by various FMO Staff Members, sometimes decided by a last-minute coin flip, or by process of elimination.)
1. How 2 Observe: The basix 4 success in this biz.
2. Beginning Satire Training: What is and is not Satire?
3. Advanced Satirical Engineering: Some real exciting stuff!

LATE MORNING SESSIONS
4. How 2 Show Confidence: Attitude is everything.
5. Knowing Your Audience: Relationship building 4 life.
6. Expect The Unexpected: Always be prepared 4 anything.

LUNCH BREAK-OUT SESSION
7. Dealing With Twitter Trolls: Criticizing your critics.

EARLY AFTERNOON SESSIONS
8. Know The Difference Between Your/You’re
9. Know The Difference Between There/Their/They’re

LATE AFTERNOON SESSIONS
10. How 2 Be A Gladiator: Become a real fighter.
11. Focusing On Viral Content: Always think big.

EVENING GETOGETHER
12. AfterGlow: Caring & Sharing/Issues & Tissues
After an in-tents day of training, campers are encouraged 2 share their feelings about what they have been exposed 2 and how they are internally processing it all. Also, if you have ever been convicted of a felony, this would be a good time 2 discuss it.

LATE NIGHT BREAK-OUT SESSIONS
13. Understanding FMO By-Laws & Their Nuances: Some important stuff 2 know.
14. How 2 Know When A Bonfire Is Out-of-Control: This is a great reality check.

Disclaimer: By attending FMO Summer Camp, this in no way guarantees that you will become an official FM Observer. Only the best & brightest are then possibly selected 2 undergo an intense battery of tests 2 determine if they can go on 2 the next level of selectability. No bullying by campers will be tolerated unless it is during a bullying role-play exercise that is held as a part of a legitimate supervised training session. Also, each camper will need 2 bring with them their own food, beverages, tent, and camping supplies. They will also need 2 bring $500 cash in a sealed envelope 2 pay 4 the training sessions. No guns of any kind will be allowed on the premises. However, if FMO Summer Camp is attacked by bears, coyotes, or wolves, anyone with some other type of weapon that proves 2 be effective against the wild predators will score some major points with the FMO Staff.

Peyton Manning to Tim Tebow: “Cut That Meat!”

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Peyton ManningNew York, NY – As many in the NFL landscape are being made aware today, the New York Jets have finally released freed the chosen one, Tim Tebow. Tebow, upon hearing the news of his release, had this to say:

“I’m always interested in helping the team win in any way that I can. If it’s not for the Jets, maybe it will be with Whole Foods. I hear they have a thriving deli department these days and it would be an honor to join their system.”

Peyton Manning, having been the first veteran to supplant the Chosen One after being signed by Denver, was surprisingly available for comment:

“I wish Timmy all the best in his new endeavors as deli meat handler. CUT THAT MEAT! CUT THAT MEAT! Haha! No, seriously, Tim. Great job last year during those few snaps. We’ll be cheering for you, bud.”

Manning then proceeded to kneel down while placing his fist on his forehead in a sort of mocking gesture to the celebration of “Tebowing”. The official announcement and press conference is scheduled for 3 p.m. EST.

Red Bull® gives man wings; man sues

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West Fargo, ND – A local man is suing the makers of Red Bull® energy drink, claiming the product produced “uncomfortable and disproportionate feathery growths” sprouting from underneath both shoulder blades. Adam Odegaard fell victim to the quaint little slogan “Red Bull® gives you wings” the very minute he threw back his fifth can of the caffeine-infused swill while fishing the Sheyenne river. The process was said to have been incredibly painful, and when finished, the flying abilities Adam experienced were akin to that of a newborn vulture. The wings were utterly useless. The Observer caught up with this very flustered individual directly after the incident took place:

“I was inhaling Red Bulls that day. One after the other. All of a sudden, I caught a gust of wind and flew about 25 feet into the air. It sucked. It hurt like hell to flap my new appendages and as I tried to guide myself I had no control & ended up plunging into the river. If I wasn’t completely high and numb from all the caffeine I would have been even more pissed.”

Adam went on to say that the wings were what kept him from drowning, acting as a sort of awkward flotation device. Mr. Odegaard is seeking compensation for damages caused to his body as well as his dignity. Red Bull® could not be reached for comment.

Cone Monster signals Construction season has arrived in North Dakota

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Fargo, ND – The dawn of spring is upon us in North Dakota. This is a welcome change to the region, but with one humongous downside: ROAD CONSTRUCTION. The ugly orange beast is making his presence felt in a major way this year. Since the snow is completely gone already, the DOT has decided to shut down traffic on every major thruway in the Fargo area starting Wednesday.

This construction season is estimated to be so brutal, experts say the mass of Cone Monsters will be visible from space. The Observer recommends that you wear sunglasses at all times as the reflection off of his scaly, orange skin will be so bright it could cause blindness. Also, please do not look the Cone Monster directly in the eye. This leaves you vulnerable to attack. Just, please, stay as far away as humanly possible from the Cone Monster. They can smell the fear on you…especially if you’re speeding through a construction zone.

The Cone Monster is coming to reap!

North Dakota Senators Tired of Being Overlooked

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Washington, DC – Muffled discussion can be heard from inside a capitol building janitorial closet by members of the senate as they stroll by. You see, this is where the North Dakota representatives of the United States Senate can be found conducting business. It’s funny to imagine, but not at all unusual. North Dakotans are quite used to being disregarded. It all began in many years ago when Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid proposed internal legislation to have the ND senators “moved to an off-site location” so that the senate could “find someplace to put all these goddamn empty boxes.” The ND senators were to conduct business from OUTSIDE the capitol! With pride in mind, senator Byron Dorgan fought back, earning a convenient spot in a hallway broom closet.

This state is growing very accustomed to being forgotten about. In the senate, it’s been going on for many years. Nowadays, the senators are lucky if their votes even count. Senator John Hoeven can usually be seen sprinting down the hallway, ballot in hand, desperately trying to get his vote handed in before voting cutoff. He remarks, “It’s fun! It adds excitement to the job. I just never know if i’ll get it there in time. I’m like Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible LOL!” He seems to handle it well, but deep down, he’s frustrated. “Sometimes I really wish that things would go back to the way they were before. Give Kent Conrad his own broom closet again, for Christ’s sake.”

Twins Baseball Preview: Ron Gardenhire promises to lose at least 80 games in 2012

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Fort Myers, FL – In the midst of Minnesota Twins baseball spring training, skipper Ron Gardenhire is already making some bold predictions for the upcoming 2012 season. When asked how he thought his team looked so far this preseason, Gardy had this to say:

“I’d like to think we’ll contend for last place in the American League again this year, but personally, I think barely missing a Wild Card berth is more realistic. That’s going to require us losing quite a few games. If we really band together as a ballclub and play as lousy as we did in 2011, i’d say we could lose as many as 80 games this year. With the M&M boys (Mauer & Morneau) looking sluggish and overpaid and a shaky pitching rotation that includes a very suspect bullpen, we will lose 80 games or more. That’s a guarantee.”

Gardy went on to say that he thinks that the Tigers are loaded and will definitely sweep the Twins this year and win the division.

Struggling website Google+ threatens suicide

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Mountain View, CA – In a not-too-surprising outcry stemming from lack of acceptance, the struggling social networking website Google+ has been audibly lamenting ever being born with threats of self-harm and suicide. The abandoned website was recently seen on a Super Bowl commercial pandering for attention as well as other small TV spots advertising its “hangouts” feature which only truly works as a novelty. This futile effort to garner attention has left the website feeling downtrodden and alone. It had this to say:

“Maybe i’ll just go away. Maybe then you’ll all like me. I’m going to kill myself. I think I might do it. I THINK I MIGHT DO IT! Helllooooooo??? Anybody there?? ANYBODYYYY??? Ok, ok. Sorry. I’m cool now. It’s all good, guys! Let’s have a Hangout! (silence)….guys…..? HELLLOOOOOOOOOOO???”

In a time when social networking is becoming more and more accessible and people from across the world are gaining access to smartphones and internet with greatest of ease, one of the most popular brand names on the internet is having the hardest time finding social networking acceptance. Hey, Google+, when you finally pass away from Chronic Internet Obscurity Disease and go to website heaven, say hi to Google Wave for us.