Tag Archives: zika virus

April 30 Is National Chop-Down-Your-Neighbor’s-Tree Day

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April 30 Is National Chop-Down-Your-Neighbor's-Tree Day!

Today is the day you get to chop down that tree you hate in your neighbor’s yard! No questions axed.

Marked Tree, Arkansas – In the wake of yesterday being Arbor Day, today is our national day to chop down any neighborhood trees that you don’t like. Chop it down today and axe questions tomorrow.

Trees have been shown to provide shade which can lead to Global Cooling. Do your part. Chopped down a tree today. No questions axed.

Many accidental injuries are tree-related such as falling out of a treehouse while drinking a bier. Help avoid these type of accidents in your neighborhood. Proactively start a-chopping. Axe a friend to help.

Trees can be home to many diseases such as Dutch Elm, Treebola, and the dreaded Zika Virus. If you’re tired of being sick, today is the day to make a difference.

So, go grab that axe and do what needs to be done. If they axe you why you’re doing it, there’s no need to mention that you read this post on the FM Observer. You just tell’em, hey, it’s National Chop-Down-A-Neighbor’s-Tree Day!

Zika Test Now Available

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Thankfully, a new Zika Test is now available to help fight against the Zika Virus Disease.

Bismarck, ND – A new Zika Test is now available. Most of the test results so far have been quite negative. State epidemiologists are hoping for more positive results in the future. In cooperation with the FM Observer, Dr. Carola Runquist has put together this simple, new Zika Test which can be self-administered in the privacy of your own home.

Zika Test

1. What is Zika?
A: A new dance craze from Brazil.
B: Ford’s new hybrid car.
C: A popular dog name.
D: Something that is very, very bad.

2. How did Zika get the name Zika?
A: From King Zika, inventor of the hammock.
B: During a scramble game in Florida.
C: From the phrase: Zika solution to the problem.
D: Name of a forest in Uganda.

3. What does Zika stand for?
A: Zoom In, Kick Ass
B: Zombies Imbibe Kool Aid
C: Zambian International Knife Association
D: Zika Invasion Killing America

4. When/How was Zika first discovered?
A: During the 1951 filming of ‘African Queen’.
B: When Columbus discovered America.
C: By accident at 3M’s Post-it Division.
D: By a captive sentinel rhesus monkey in 1947.

5. What does Zika cause?
A: Microcephaly.
B: Adult paralysis.
C: Societal panic.
D: All of the above.

6. How is Zika carried/transmitted?
A: Through the U.S. Postal Service.
B: Over talk-show radio waves.
C: By Amazon delivery drones.
D: By amazon mosquitos.

7. Where does Zika occur?
A: At pinochle tables in retirement homes.
B: In co-ed dorms of state universities.
C: Deep within the Earth where fracking occurs.
D: At mosquito-infested tropical resorts.

8. How do people catch Zika?
A: By sneaking up on it with a large butterfly net.
B: With a glove while sitting in the foul ball section.
C: By using high-speed cameras while sitting in trees.
D: Bitten by mosquitos that also carry chikungunya.

9.What are the symptoms of Zika?
A: Weight gain after joining Weight Watchers with Oprah.
B: Violent shaking followed by periods of extreme agitation.
C: Dryness of humor along with wetness of socks.
D: Pyrexia, arthralgia, conjunctivitis, and lethargy.

10. How is Zika treated?
A: With as much respect as possible.
B: As if human survival depends on it.
C: Suggested daily trips to the Dairy Queen.
D: With pain meds, rest, and drinking plenty o’ water.

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The answers to all twelve questions is shown on this stone obelisk.

11. What can I do to protect myself?
A: Wear a hazmat suit at all times.
B: Sign up for LifeLock Ultimate Plus.
C: Watch Dr. Oz Show every day.
D: Prevent getting bitten by mosquitos.

12. Should I avoid travelling to Zika areas?
A: Concentrate and ask again.
B: Better not tell you now.
C: Reply hazy, try again.
D: Signs point to Yes.

First Fargo Robin Sighting A Sign Of Spring And Global Warming

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I know it's a little early but it sure feels like Spring!

I know it’s a little early but it sure feels like Spring!

Fargo, ND – Multiple reports of a robin sighting in the trees around the West Acres Mall indicate that Spring is just around the corner.

Sheila McCox who had just entered the mall’s parking lot said: “I was so surprised and happy to see my first robin that my car drove itself into a light post!”

While many welcome an early sign of Spring, others grow increasingly concerned that late January is way too early for robins to be returning to Fargo.

Chief climatologist Thiv Simpskins says: “This is further confirmation of Global Warming. It may be time to seriously start looking for another planet.”

In the meantime, Fargo residents can begin to look for more signs of Spring: 1. The returning of the Redhawks, 2. Potholes, 3. The beginning of road construction season, 4. Minor flooding (if we’re lucky), and 5. Mosquitos carrying the Zika Virus.

Big Demand For Small Hats Due To Zika Virus

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This charming line of ZikaHats available at Nordstrom's and Walmart.

This charming line of ZikaHats available at Nordstrom’s and Walmart.

Hatboro, Pennsylvania – As the mutating Zika Virus spreads by mosquitos through America, the fashion industry is wasting no time trying to get ahead of a new trend.

Since the Zika Virus causes microcephaly, hat sizes will soon need to be smaller to fit onto all those smaller heads.

International fashion designer Zeke Kahat has seen this trend of smaller heads needing smaller hats go from the Zika Forest in Uganda, to the Island of Yap, to the mainland of Brazil.

“My colorfully fantastic collection of ZikaHats is here to stay, especially since there is no vaccine or treatment for the Zika Virus” says Zeke Kahat.