All Granite Countertops Being Recalled Due To Gamma Radiation

September 7th, 2018 | by Johnnny

Think of your lovely granite countertops as miniature radiation factories.

Gamma, Missouri – Tests labs have now proven that granite countertops produce enough gamma radiation so as to be problematic for today’s average households.

Dr. Artinian Oatridge explains that slabs of granite naturally contain veins housing varying amounts of radioactive elements.

“Besides producing cancer-causing radon from any uranium, thorium, or radium that might be present within your nice-looking granite slab there in your kitchen, we are also detecting significant beta and gamma radiation emissions,” warns Dr. Oatridge.

His granite slab lab is advising everyone with kitchen granite countertops to leave your windows open for ventilation until the source of the gamma radiation can be physically removed from the premises.

In the meantime, consider purchasing an expensive instrument which when properly calibrated can measure the exact amount of ionizational output of the countertops on which you are daily cooking your food.

Interestingly, all of the letters in Artinian Oatridge can be re-ionized to spell: Granite Radiation!


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Contributing writer since January, 2013. I've been described by myself as a piano-playing omnivore who hates typos but loves chocolate milk in his coffee. As a Life Coach, some lessons I like to pass onto others are: 1. don't stare at strangers, especially in jail, 2. don't leave fun to find fun, 3. never pet a burning dog, 4. don't eat more than you can lift, and 5. when in doubt, jot it down. Click on any picture in my posts to see them in their full glory. All have been tweaked with either PicMonkey.com or Pixlr.com/Express or Lunapic.com :o)