School Board to Implement School Shooting Drills

In the wake of what has been the 74th school shooting since the Newtown massacre, school districts are taking a proactive steps to better prepare their kids for the sort of danger that could potentially take place within their walls.

Tornado drills and fire drills have been the norm for decades. Now, with mass shootings occurring on an ongoing basis, “shooting drills” are being implemented. The proliferation of public-area gun violence has left administrators with no other choice but to help brace their kids for a sudden act of deadly force.

School superintendent Ertson McFluck explains the Board’s preventive measure. “Tornado drills have us ducking and covering. Fire drills have us exiting the building. Shooting drills will probably see teachers hang a ‘NO KIDS HERE’ sign on the classroom doorknob or some stupid thing. We’re not sure yet. There’s really nowhere safe to go if a mad gunman enters. These buildings weren’t engineered with frickin panic rooms. Locking a classroom door is a fool’s effort–an armed murderer would easily blast his way through. It’s absurd that it’s come to this, but our children and faculty need to be at least somewhat prepared.”

The Board seems fully aware of the nation’s school shooting epidemic and is moving as quickly as possible towards a reasonable course of preventive action.