Washington, DC – Today at the White House, a government mandate was unanimously passed into marshall law requiring every American citizen to go see The Avengers because “It’s SO damn good.” It seems that everybody has seen The Avengers and an equal amount of people (everybody on the planet) loved it. You want to be entertained, maybe even shaken to your innermost core? GO BUY HELLRAISER TONIGHT. Hellraiser was so scary good, they made, like, 20 sequels to it. They couldn’t keep Pinhead off the screen he was so damn alluring. Pinhead is the baddest villain of all time, hands down. Why don’t you try & piss off Pinhead, hot shot. Watch what happens. It’s only the most heinous act of torture imaginable.

And then there’s the Cenobites. Who are they, you ask? Just Pinhead’s evil-toting, inescapable torture posse. This sticky, slimy band of ghoulish hellfreaks?? You could take Freddy Krueger, Jason Voorhees, Michael Myers AND Leatherface to the party and not get nearly the amount of heart attacks, face explosions and blood vomit that you would if you brought the freaking CENOBITES. The Cenobites walked straight through hell’s portal just to torment you. They aren’t human (Myers, Leatherface, Jason (allegedly)) nor are they conjured from some poor little kid’s dream (Krueger). These leatherclad hellbeast torture specialists are gonna waltz right through the gates of hell, find you, and fucking ream your ass.

I would like for somebody to provide a convincing argument as to why The Avengers is better than Hellraiser and if you can persuade me, I will go see The Avengers tonight wearing only a jock strap & cape. Please watch Hellraiser then leave your argument in the comments section below. Thank you.