Tag Archives: hellraiser

Pope Clarifies: There Is A Hell, Otherwise Known As Grand Forks

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The Pope now says God is telling him to tell us that there is a Hell and sinners don’t just disappear upon death.

Vaticano, Italy – The Pope admits God may have had it wrong when telling the Pope that there is no Hell.

When asked recently about his comments that sinners just disappear and that there is no Hell, The Pope is now saying there still might actually be a Hell and it also goes by the name of Grand Forks.

FMO: Mister Pope, is this your personal opinion or did you hear it directly from God on your Godphone?

The Pope: This is newly updated information from God which comes to me during prayer through my internal connection to God.

We then asked Grand Forks about the Pope’s latest papal clarification:

FMO: Why do you think The Pope is picking on Grand Forks to the point of calling it Hell?

GFS: We have no idea why Grand Forks is being likened to Hell but perhaps this is somehow related to us formerly being called the Fighting Sioux. Someone needs to tell The Pope we changed our name. It’s now the Backdoor Lumberjacks.

New Fargo Motorcycle Gang Called ‘Hell Monkeys’

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CAPTIONHIER

Fargo cautiously welcomes The Hell Monkeys to town.

Fargo, ND – Whether it likes it or not, Fargo now has a new motorcycle gang with which to contend.

The Hell Monkeys are their name and they claim to be more fun than a barrel of monkeys.

Hell Monkey members tend to emulate one another because: monkey see, monkey do.

They purportedly only deal with monkey business that may or may not land them behind monkey bars.

Fargo Police might throw a monkey wrench into their plans if The Hell Monkeys decide to monkey around any laws.

The gang’s leader is named Bingo – a grease monkey by trade, a beer monkey during the evenings, a monkeyshine on the weekends, and a monkey’s uncle to Bubbles who lived at Neverland Ranch with Michael’s Jackson.

The Hell Monkey motto is “see no evil, speak no evil, hear no evil” which includes disregarding all speed limits since they cannot read street signs.

The gang concurs with the old saying: if you pay peanuts, you get chunky monkeys but if you don’t pay any peanuts, you get angry monkeys.

They are also warning Fargo residents to never monkey with another monkey’s monkey.

If you ever need to get a monkey off your back, you may need to monkey up and do the monkey hustle with some fresh bananas, lest one or more gang members go ape on you.

Cenobites Denied Foreign Immigration Visa

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Hellraiser 10: Hell Is War

Not so fast, foreigners.

Hell’s portal is closed…for now

Hell—Due to increasing skepticism over foreign immigration, The Cenobites, aka Satan’s Minions, have been denied entry to America via Hell’s customs portal.

Pinhead, the leader of the Cenobites, voiced discontent over these new restrictions. “HELL HATH BEEN TORN BY WAR. WE, THE CENOBITES, SEEK REFUGEE STATUS VIA YOUR COVETED J-4 VISA. HOWEVER, DUE TO A NEW VETTING PROCESS IMPLEMENTED BY YOUR DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY, WE MUST PROVE OURSELVES WORTHY OF PASTURE. IN THE NAME OF LUCIFER IN THE HIGHEST, WE SHALL ULTIMATELY, WITHIN THE CONFINES OF ELIGIBILITY, OBTAIN RESETTLEMENT AND ONCE AGAIN TORMENT THE SOULS OF EARTH’S MORTALS.”

Filming for the tenth Hellraiser movie Hellraiser X: Hell Is War is on hold until the Cenobites can prove that they’re merely harbingers of Hell’s circus of agony and not moderate Muslims.

Should I go see The Avengers or watch a real movie: HELLRAISER?

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Washington, DC – Today at the White House, a government mandate was unanimously passed into marshall law requiring every American citizen to go see The Avengers because “It’s SO damn good.” It seems that everybody has seen The Avengers and an equal amount of people (everybody on the planet) loved it. You want to be entertained, maybe even shaken to your innermost core? GO BUY HELLRAISER TONIGHT. Hellraiser was so scary good, they made, like, 20 sequels to it. They couldn’t keep Pinhead off the screen he was so damn alluring. Pinhead is the baddest villain of all time, hands down. Why don’t you try & piss off Pinhead, hot shot. Watch what happens. It’s only the most heinous act of torture imaginable.

And then there’s the Cenobites. Who are they, you ask? Just Pinhead’s evil-toting, inescapable torture posse. This sticky, slimy band of ghoulish hellfreaks?? You could take Freddy Krueger, Jason Voorhees, Michael Myers AND Leatherface to the party and not get nearly the amount of heart attacks, face explosions and blood vomit that you would if you brought the freaking CENOBITES. The Cenobites walked straight through hell’s portal just to torment you. They aren’t human (Myers, Leatherface, Jason (allegedly)) nor are they conjured from some poor little kid’s dream (Krueger). These leatherclad hellbeast torture specialists are gonna waltz right through the gates of hell, find you, and fucking ream your ass.

I would like for somebody to provide a convincing argument as to why The Avengers is better than Hellraiser and if you can persuade me, I will go see The Avengers tonight wearing only a jock strap & cape. Please watch Hellraiser then leave your argument in the comments section below. Thank you.