Fargo, ND – Since April, many birds have started their seasonal migration back to the Fargo-Moorhead area. One of the those birds is a peregrine falcon named Miracle. Since 2008, Miracle and her mate Dakota Ace have been setting up shop outside the 12th floor of the Bank of the West building in downtown Fargo. The only difference this year, Dakota Ace is nowhere to be seen. At a ripe age of 15, it is speculated that Dakota Ace did not survive the winter. It is possible that he simply hasn’t made the trek home yet but with each passing day it is becoming a less likely scenario.
We smelled bullshit on this story right away. Upon hearing Dakota Ace was missing, we were on a mission to find out what really happened to him. After extension research, copious amounts of coffee, and dozens of dead ends, we finally found Dakota Ace in the least likely of places, a bar in southern Florida. We sat down with Dakota Ace to get the story.
“Where in the world have you been Dakota? The people of Fargo have been worried about you.” I asked. “Well, where do I begin. I couldn’t stand that old hag anymore. She was constantly nagging! Go hunt some food for me. Build this nest. Fix this nest. Do this. Do that. It never ended. Always asking where I’ve been when everytime it’s because I’m out getting her and I food to survive. I couldn’t stand it anymore. She was just a total bitch. Besides that, she started getting fat. Who wants to live with that? When I first started mating with her she was a 10. After a few years she turned into a 2. Bleh! Gross! Talk about false advertising! To top it all off, Fargo is cold! Always windy, always cold, and it snows for half the year. Screw that! I’m going to enjoy the hot and humid weather here in Florida. Please tell that old hag that I died a terrible death. Please! I beg of you!”
I bought Mr. Ace another beer and we chatted late into the evening. I fulfilled Mr. Ace’s request and told Miracle that Dakota had died a terrible death and to move on. Apparently Miracle believed me as there has been another male possibly spotted in the Fargo-Moorhead area.
We wish Mr. Ace the best and hopes he gets the relaxation he deserves.