Tag Archives: texas

Texas Governor To Pardon One Thousandth Death Row Execution

Electric Chair-M

Smile, you’re being pardoned!!

Austin, TX—Last year, Texas became the first state to murder 500 death row inmates since the US Supreme Court reinstated capital punishment in 1976. The death row frontrunner has disposed of nearly five times as many criminals as Virginia, the second state on the list.

Since hitting that epic milestone, the red state’s lawmakers decided to get a little inventive with Mr. 1000. In an effort to draw some positive publicity to capital punishment, they’ve officially declared a pardon for the thousandth death row inmate.

Texas Governor Rick Perry, in a special announcement from the State Capitol: “Our thousandth violent offender, that little varmint, once he or she gets sentenced to death row we’ll mark it down and when their day finally comes, that lucky duck will receive a formal pardon just minutes before they get sizzled to death.”

When questioned whether this was cruel and unusual punishment, Perry stated “Naw, jack, we’re makin’ em sit on death row ‘n think real long ‘n hard about why they’re there. Then, after they march down Execution Hall ‘n plop down in that there chair with the wires ‘n junk, we’ll break the good news to ’em ‘n throw ’em a little hoedown with balloons ‘n whatnot.”

Governor Perry added that they’re “Fixin’ to hang a buttload of varmints” in the coming years and that death row’s one thousandth customer “Will be in for the ride of his god damned life.”

Bison VS Sam Houston State FCS Championship

Thousands of NDSU Fans Lost In Frisco Texas

Bison VS Sam Houston State FCS ChampionshipFargo, ND – On the horizon lays North Dakota State’s attempt at an FCS championship three-peat.

Thousands of Bison fans have flocked to Frisco Texas the past few days via trains, plains, automobiles, boats, snowmobiles, 4 wheelers, bus, and fighter jets.  But, there is one thing someone forgot to bring: directions.

All bison fans who have already arrived have been roaming the streets of Frisco, Texas completely lost and confused.

Our reporter on scene stated, “The streets of Frisco are complete madness right now!  People covered in Bison gear head-to-toe are wandering and stumbling around the entire town.  They appear to be drunk and asking anyone they can where the game is.  Some have been seen running with their shirts off yelling that it’s so hot out.”

Apparently nobody remembered to bring directions and they are too drunk by this point to either look them up on their phone or find a computer.

Our reporter reached an NDSU fan for comment, “Ohh  oh yeah!  Bissson baby!  Hey, yeah hey you, you know where, where the game is even at?  Because I, I don’t, don’t know.  Would you like a beer?”  He then continued to stumble around looking for the “stadium.”

Our reporter did indeed give a couple sober fans directions so you can rest assured the stadium will be filled with green and gold tomorrow.

So, when you’re watching the game tomorrow, thank the FM Observer for getting all our fans there.