Author Archives: Cody Marthaller

About Cody Marthaller

I'm biologically human. Full-Time Superhero. Part-Time Human.

Kate Middleton Deems Dental Hygiene ‘Unpractical’

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Kate MiddletonWith curves in the correct places, a beautiful baby and a charming smile, Kate Middleton tops People’s “Top 25 Hot Celeb List,” but her latest input on oral hygiene has left many to ponder upon the British way.

More than a year after giving birth to Prince George of Cambridge (whatever that means), Middleton revealed that she follows the strict British tradition of hardly every brushing her teeth. She claims poor hygienic practices are simply a part of joining the royal family.

“I brush my teeth once every forknight,” Middleton said. “I’m still trying to figure out what a forknight is, but I think its once every three or four nights. William is really the rule-maker around here. If he brushes his teeth, then I’ll join, if not, we go to bed. It’s really very simple and British.”

According to the Royal British Hygienic Code, royal members are only ordained to bath and/or brush every 12 days. The code was established in 1744 by King George III (for reasons yet to be understood by historians) and has been followed (for reasons yet to be understood by anyone) to this day. Royalty remains odorous and questioned by British Parliamentary and citizens alike.

“I love a good queen, I do,” Londoner Tom Blinder said, he did. “But her teef looks like she fell head first into a pile of rubbish.”

Middleton continues to deny the accusations by common folk like Tom Blinder, and seems quite calm regarding her pearly-greys, but the Twitter-verse has certainly taken an interest in the matter. @iMwATCHINGYOU said this:

“Kate is supposed to be the role model for the whole planet. I haven’t brushed my teeth since I saw I selfie of Kate brushing her own, but it’s been nearly 32 years… when can I brush?”

The 32-year-old Duchesses, remaining un-buggered, said only this:

“I’ll admit it, oral hygiene has not been a primary concern of the British people in the last 400 years, and it still isn’t today. So what if our teef are grey and smelly? We invented electricity and baseball. Isn’t that enough?”

Exceedingly Mediocre Restaurant Tip Goes Viral

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applebeesCoon Rapids, Minn. — Applebee’s waitress Nicole MaHobbes’s Tuesday night shift ended in misery after she received a tip so extremely average that it could only be explained as “an obvious insult.”

The $6.17 left on a $35.26 check, a tip of exactly %17.5, left MaHobbes infuriated and confused.

“I just don’t understand it,” MaHobbes said. “I gave grade-A service according to the Applebee’s handbook and I get left with this. I ususally get fifteen percent from total jerks and twenty percent from nice folks, but seventeen percent — that’s just cruel. How am I supposed to judge my customers based on that?”

Tipping has been a hot topic lately as servers continue to post pictures of their tips on social media. Some enjoy exceedingly generous tips while others are left with goose-eggs, but very few are left with the empty feeling MaHobbes experienced.

“People don’t understand that servers rely on tips that people leave us,” she said. “If you add six dollars from that tip to the seven that I’m making per hour, that’s only thirteen dollars an hour. How can I live off that? Plus I have other tables to worry about. People just don’t account for the stress of having so many tips to calculate in a day.”

Floor manager Gary Gubiak was alerted of the insulting gratuity shortly after it was left, and was able to track down the couple that left it.

“The customers, who shall remain unnamed, claim that they always leave exactly seventeen point five percent,” he said. “The Johnson’s told me that they feel seventeen point five is highest amount they feel comfortable with and they carry a calculator to leave the exact amount. I didn’t buy Rick and Diana’s charade, but instinctively gave them a free dessert to take home and two ten dollar gift cards to ensure a future visit.”

The Johnson’s wish to remain anonymous, but agreed to comment on their visit to Applebee’s.

“Diana and I thought the service and the food was good, but not outstanding,” Rick Gerald Johnson of 5689 Roark Avenue, Coon Rapids, MN said. “We had decent food at a decent price, so we left a decent tip. We didn’t mean to leave any emotions with our six dollars and seventeen cents.”

The incident sparked by unknown customers Rick and Diana Johnson, parents of Josh, Paula and Natalie Johnson who graduated from Coon Rapids High School, sparked fury from the service industry workers across the country.

“I don’t know who these ‘Johnson’s that attend Mount Calvary Luther Church every Sunday at eight o’clock’ are, but their actions will not go unnoticed” Nashville Applebee’s server Tom Babcock said. “You do the math America. Servers only get seven dollars an hour. Now add horrible tips like six dollars, times three tables and hour, and we can only add eighteen dollars to our wage per hour. Who can live off of twenty five dollars an hour? I have a cat to feed!”

On the other hand, the AARP claims that senior citizens are living off a fixed income and should diligently watch their monthly spending.

“I wish senior citizens could make twenty five dollars an hour,” AARP spokesmen Arty Betker said. “We live off an average of eight dollars an hour and now we get criticized for leaving a six dollar tip? That’s…. We gotta stop these damn kids from skateboarding on the sidewalk!”

 

NFL Reveals Diagnosis to Peyton Manning

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manning

One of Manning’s tics called “Fishing”

After keeping the diagnosis under wraps for nearly a decade the NFL finally told Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning he has Tourette’s syndrome.

The league’s biggest secret was first discovered in 2005 when Indianapolis Colts head coach Tony Dungy noticed Manning’s unusual behavior at the line of scrimmage. The symptoms began as a mere foot stomp, but as the years progressed Manning started shouting random words that had no meaning to the offense.

“What really tipped me off was when he started flapping his arms like a bird,” Dungy said. “That had no meaning to our offense and threw us off for a few games, but I told the rest of the offense to ignore him and we went on to have a pretty good season.”

Dungy invited Tourette’s specialist Beth Grundstad to a home game to watch Manning. Grundstad immediately noticed the symptoms and diagnosed the quarterback on the spot.

“Common symptoms of this syndrome are flapping the arms, hopping, touching other people, repeating words or phrases and barking among other things,” she said. “Peyton was doing all of those on almost every play. There was no question he was on the Tourette’s spectrum, but Tony asked me to keep it quiet because they were doing so well.”

The diagnosis reached the NFL’s front office sometime in 2008, but the higher-ups decided it was better for the game if Manning continued on the path he was on.

“Peyton was playing outstanding football and we couldn’t take away from him or the league,” executive Paul Cornston said. “As years went his tics became more frequent and we felt compelled to tell him. Finally, we decided that after he broke Brett Favre’s record we would break the news.”

Since 2008, several people have threatened to break the news to Manning. In 2011, Manning suffered a career-threatening neck injury from whipping his head back and forth. In 2014, as the Broncos made their way to the Superbowl, fans demanded to know exactly what “Omaha” meant, but Manning refused to give a practical answer.

“Omaha is a city in Nebraska,” he said with a stupid smile on his face.

Sadly, he was being dead serious.

After Manning threw his 510th career touchdown, coach John Fox finally sat Manning down, went over some film and broke the news.

“I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, OMAHA,” Manning said. “APPLE, I thought I was changing the play at the line, but it turns out I was just slapping my linemen’s asses for no reason and, APPLE APPLE, yelling at people.”

With the diagnosis out in the open, coach Fox is worried about the impact it will have on the rest of the season. For years, defenses have been changing their schemes to counter Manning’s audibles, but now that they know his tics are meaningless they are sure to adjust.

“Between Dungy and I, I think we milked this as far as we could,” Fox said. “Now, defenses will know just to ignore his shouting and flailing and focus on how our offense is lined up.”

Thirteen Injured at Blind Pumpkin Carving Event

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A beautiful autumn day at Olafson Orchard in Hutchinson, MN quickly turned sour as several participants of a pumpkin carving contest found themselves with bloodied hands.

The event allowed blind people from the area to pick their own pumpkin and carve it with guidance from a volunteer. The jack-o-lanterns were supposed to be auctioned off with all proceeds going toward the school for the blind, but due to the amount of blood spilled, the event was cancelled early.

“I feel partially responsible,” event planner Jackie Gleeman said. “Everything was going great until we handed out the knives, then things took a turn.”

Gleeman and other volunteers watched as the participants blindly stabbed at their pumpkins, inevitably cutting their hands in the process.

“It’s like they weren’t even looking at what they were doing,” an onlooker said. “I was trying to line little Suzie up to make your standard smiling jack-o-lantern with triangle eyes, but her first cut was right into my thumb and I gave up after that.”

Fortunately, a box of SpongeBob Squarepants Band-Aids was available and many received medical attention immediately. However, the box quickly ran out, leaving the injured to fend for themselves.

“After the Band-Aids ran out I just didn’t know what to do,” Gleeman said. “Most of the pumpkins looked terrible and had blood on them, but we told the kids that they looked great.”

Of the 13 injuries, none were more serious than a small cut on the hand, but there were several on the edge of needing stitches.

Following the incident, orchard owner Pete Olafson said he was going to rethink the activities planned in upcoming months.

“Well, next weekend we had a blind pheasant hunt set up, and in the winter we were gunna try some chainsaw ice sculpting,” Olafson said. “I’m starting to think those aren’t such great ideas anymore. Maybe we will just do a hay-ride and s’mores.”

 

Changing and Falling Leaves Concern EPA

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leavesEnvironmental Officer Carl Carlson watched in horror as hundreds of leaves in Munsinger Gardens in St. Cloud seemingly jumped from their branches and floated silently to the ground.

Carlson is among many Environmental Protection Agency officers studying the gruesome leaf behavior that began in mid-September. The initial shock came when certain types of trees exhibited spots of red, yellow and orange coloration. Now, as the leaves plummet to their death, the officer’s worst fear has been confirmed.

“This is without a doubt a cry for help,” Carlson said. “I’ve been researching tree behavior in central Minnesota for 20 years and I’ve never seen anything like it. Obviously, it has something to do with global warming or that darn polar vortex. Either way, it’s a man-made problem and we must do everything we can to correct it.”

While Carlson searches for the source of this problem, tree-loving citizens of St. Cloud are organizing a last-ditch effort to remedy the situation.

“We’ve asked hundreds of volunteers to grab a can of green paint, a ladder and some tape,” project leader Art Murray said. “One by one, we are going to paint these leaves green and put them back where they belong. Just yesterday we fixed an poor maple tree whose leaves turned a disgusting orange color and fell all over the ground.”

The recovery project is slow and extremely dangerous, as several volunteers have fallen from their ladders, but continues on despite the overwhelming task at hand.

“I know we are doing the right thing, but it seems like for every leaf I tape back on the tree three more fall in its place,” volunteer Tom Bombodil said. “I got involved when my oak tree got sick and turned yellow. It started spitting leaves all over my yard, and then the neighborhood kids raked them into a pile and started jumping in them like some sort of game. I’d never been so ashamed in my life.”

90-year St. Cloud resident Sven Olafson claims the leaves acted this way in the 1930’s and there is nothing to worry about, but his black and white photographs weren’t enough to convince the EPA.

“This seems like a local problem right now, but wait a couple weeks,” the EPA announced in an official statement. “We predict that soon the epidemic will spread and leaves all over the Midwest will get sick and die. While recovery projects like the one in St. Cloud are a good start, we need to find the root of this problem and fix it.”

Student Annoys Class with Runny Nose

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runny noseRoseville, MN — Students of Gretta Jurcak’s sixth period math class exchanged eye-rolls as classmate Andy Struum sniffled his runny nose for nearly an hour.

Struum’s snorting began midway through third period and continued through lunch and into his final class. As the day progressed, so did the severity of the sniffle, beginning as a tickle and evolving into a full blown gusher. By the final minutes of math, Struum was sucking up snot once every ten seconds.

“It was very distracting for both me and the students,” Jurcak said. “How am I supposed to concentrate on my lesson plan when I can see and hear the snot yo-yoing from his face?”

As Struum refused to use a Kleenex or excuse himself for a bathroom break, Jurcak’s students glared and silently cursed at their classmate.

“I thought I was going to throw up,” student Brad Cheile said. “I was sitting right in front of him and could hear him breathing through his mouth and snorting the whole time. One more minute of class and I would have turned around and told him to blow his friggen nose.”

While many students suffer from nose-blowing anxiety, fearing that they will be bullied for getting up during class to use a Kleenex, few hold out as long as Struum. Horton Jahn deals with yearly bouts of ragweed allergies, but has a system to prevent being “that guy.”

“I find a spot in the back of f the room and sniffle as quietly as possible,” Jahn said. “Then, during passing time, I blow my nose in the bathroom with one of those scratchy brown towels. That usually gets me through the first half of class, but sometimes I resort to wiping my nose with my hand or sleeve — anything to prevent actually using a Kleenex.”

Struum used none of Jahn’s tactics, making the already unpopular sixth period class an hour from hell. After the bell, Struum was kept after class and lectured by Jurcak for being so inconsiderate.

“I guess I didn’t even realize I had a runny nose,” Struum said. “I spent all day thinking about my fantasy football lineup just like very other day. Honestly, I thought people were staring at me because they were trying to read my awesome Charlie Brown t-shirt. If they wanted me to blow my nose they could have asked.”

 

Woman Denies Ring, Wants Something Shinier

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ringMinneapolis, MN — Lucy Bricklow of Minneapolis rejected her would-be fiancé’s proposal claiming the 57 thousand dollar, 3.06 carat diamond engagement just wasn’t shiny enough to woo her.

Bricklow, hailing from the prestigious Minnetonka lakes area, said even though her boyfriend is still paying off college debt by working at Arby’s, the ring wasn’t shiny or expensive enough to keep her interested. The pair is undergoing couples’ counseling, but hasn’t found a solution to their problem.

“I just don’t know what else I can do,” said boyfriend Melvin Ruetgers. “I’ve been working my ass off since high school to pay for this ring. If this isn’t shiny or expensive enough, then I don’t know what is.”

Bricklow insists she made it clear from day on of the relationship that she wouldn’t settle for anything less than a 3.1 carat ring, but Ruetgers thought otherwise.

“I thought once she saw the ring I bought her should would be blown away,” he said. “But apparently she is looking for something worth more than two years of my salary.”

Both grew up in Minnetonka, a wealthy suburb of the Twin Cities, but while Bricklow enjoyed a beautiful house on the lake, Ruetgers started working at an early age to put himself through college. Ruetgers insists that the ring cleaned out his entire life savings, but Bricklow believes he should have done better.

“There are things shinier than diamonds,” she said. “I’ve seen the movies. He could have bought a ring set with Unobtainium or Arkenstone. Literally, when I looked at the ring I thought ‘this literally isn’t shiny enough to make me say yes.'”

While Ruetgers argued that diamond is “literally” the shiniest material on planet Earth, Bricklow refused to believe it, and “literally” threatened to unload his ass.

“I have worked too hard to make him propose to me,” Bricklow said. “I put my make up on one layer at a time like every other woman. By the time I get it all on, I’m exhausted and all I want is to drink a couple bottles of wine and relax for the night — but then, my boyfriend lays this crap on me. It’s like, what the hell Melvin? I just wish you would apply yourself.”

Despite recent turbulence the couple has remained together, citing a deep foundation as their key to success.

“Lucy is just so nice and down-to-earth,” Ruetgers said. “I couldn’t imagine a day without her freshly bronzed face beating down on mine. Honestly, I think the UV rays from her daily tanning sessions make me tanner too, and I thank her every day for that.”

Bricklow had similar comments, but with a completely opposite message through an unbearably sarcastic tone. Between complaints, she had a few nice things to say.

“Me and Melv have been going out for a long time,” she said.

 

Apple iDine Designs Leaked

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appleCupertino, CA — As excitement builds for the release of the iPhone 6, Apple software designer John Feltzbar accidentally released plans for the iDine collection scheduled to go on sale next summer.

iDine will consist of three revolutionary new products that will surely change the way the world eats in coming years: the iPlate, iCup and iChair. No longer will iDine users rely on their own discretion before over-eating or drinking. The technology monitors the temperature and exact amount of food and drink consumed by the user, and can even identify what the user is eating.

Apple secretly began testing in March, 2013, but those lucky enough to test the new products were so impressed that they couldn’t keep their mouths shut.

“It was amazing,” guinea pig Marc Ulrik said. “I sat in the chair and it told me exactly how much I weighed — I mean, who thinks of this stuff. Then, after devouring a plate of meatballs, the iPlate told me that I just ate too much meatballs and my blood pressure was probably going to rise. This is life saving stuff, man.”

While the iDine is meant to help Americans track their eating habits and realize how insanely much they over-eat, Apple’s testing sessions showed that users actually ate and drank more when using iDine.

“It was like playing Angry Birds when it first came out,” lab rat Lindsey Hiltin said. “Once I started eating off the iPlate and drinking out of the iCup I just couldn’t stop, it was addicting.”

The only useful information Apple gained from testing was from a 6-year-old boy who said “iCup” really means “I see you pee.” Even after becoming aware of this phenomenon Apple kept the name anyway, with the confidence that no one would catch on.

Following the release of the iCup designs, Coors Brewing Company filed a lawsuit over stolen intellectual property. Coors claims Apple stole the idea to have a cup that shows the temperature of the liquid inside.

“What do you think it means when the mountains turn blue on a Coors can?” Coors Spokesmen Carl Beamer asked. “It means that your beer is either cold or super cold. If that’s not telling the temperature then I don’t know what is.”

Apple retorted by saying “cold” and “super cold” aren’t actual temperatures, but refused to comment further.

While rumors fly back-and-forth after the release of the designs, it seems the only voice not heard recently is that of information leaker himself. Feltzbar has not been seen or heard from since releasing the information. Apple only had this to say:

“Apple employee John Feltzbar has been relocated to the Apple farm.”

Commissioner Goodell Eliminating Running Back Position

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goodell

Commissioner Roger Goodell

Following the recent events involving NFL running backs Ray Rice and Adrian Peterson, commissioner Roger Goodell has decided to outlaw running backs and hand-offs with an amendment to the league’s constitution.

The new rule states that “No offensive player can be behind the quarterback prior to the snap” and “There can be no hand-offs of any kind. All exchanges of the ball must be from a distance of three feet or greater.”

Goodell realizes the amendment will completely change the game of football, but insists that his decision was made with intention of making the league safer and more exciting.

“I spent almost twenty minutes in deep thought before signing off on the new rules,” Goodell said. “With all the media attention after recent incidents I just needed a way to make everyone stop asking me questions. Plus, I always thought running plays were boring anyway.”

Goodell decision was also influenced by the research of neurologist Bryce Buma, who claims that when large people run into each other at full speed it tends to hurt their brains.

“Most tackles in the NFL are equivalent to crashing your car at 40 miles per hour,” Buma said. “Running backs like Rice and Peterson get hit at least 25 times a week which has severely damaged their brains, namely the madula oblongata which controls anger and jealousy.”

The changes will first be enforced on week six when the Vikings and Packers match-up on Thursday, October 2.  Teams will be allowed to keep their running backs but must play them at different positions. Packers head coach Mike McCarthy released his plans for running back Eddie Lacy.

“With a big guy like Eddie, it would be a shame not to have him on the field,” McCarthy said. “We’ll have him practice at linebacker for a while and see how he does. If that doesn’t work, he will have a spot on special teams.”

Some former backs will become receivers, corners or tight ends, but many will be out of a job when the rule is in effect. Pittsburgh Steelers running back Le’Veon Bell is one of these unlucky runners.

“I’m bummed man, real bummed,” Bell said. “I just had the game of my life while I was supposed to be suspended and now I’m out of a job. It ain’t fair man.”

While many viewers and fantasy football players are outraged, NFL legend John Madden remains optimistic for the future of football.

“You see, there’s two teams and each team is trying to score more points than the other,” Madden said. “At the end of the game, one team will have more points than the other, and BOOM, they win.”

Odorless Farts Plague Edina Housewives

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fartsAfter years of financial prosperity, citizens of Edina, Minn. are worried their flatulence is failing to produce any odor.

Edina, an inner-ring suburb of Minneapolis, is among the wealthiest cities in Minnesota with a median household income of over $75 thousand. In fact, the name Edina is derived from an Ojibwe expression meaning “children who do nothing but get everything.” While many residents enjoy living in large houses, driving expensive cars and participating in youth hockey politics, a few brave housewives revealed that cake-eater life isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

“I grew up in Edina and moved back here after I met my husband and dropped out of college,” Edina housewife Trisha Grant said. “But as the years passed I noticed that my toots didn’t smell anymore. It was great at first, but soon my party guests were leaving unexpectedly and I started to worry.”

Grant claims that on several occasions her dinner party guests left after she let loose a fart that shouldn’t have smelled at all. While the Grant family swears no odor was released, the guests insist that the house smelled like boiled oysters.

“It was like a combination of a used Band-Aid, kerosene and dog breath,” Grant’s friend Tim Shorton claimed. “The only thing grosser than the fart itself was the fact that Trisha didn’t seem to smell it at all. And then she went around pouring wine at the table and crop dusted everyone. I know it was rude, but I had to leave or I was going to throw up.”

Proctologist Andrew Phrochno claims that Grant’s case is concurrent with other Edina residents. Several people have complained that even after eating ethnic food, such as Korean, Ethiopian and Thai, their flatulence has not produced any odor at all.

“It’s just weird,” local housewife Natalie Danzak said. “I had eggs for breakfast, Chinese for lunch and a whole mess of beans and corndogs for dinner. But later on, after I tooted, nobody in my family seemed to notice the smell.”

After a 13-year study, Phrochno noticed a correlation between average household income and sensitivity to gastronomical odors.

“Based on my research, it seems that people, especially housewives, living in households that earn more than $150 thousand per year are 90 percent less likely to smell their own farts,” said Phrochno.

The research shows that there is an exponential correlation between average income and sensitivity to flatulent odors. While low-income families remain exceedingly sensitive to fart-smells, high-income families are seemingly immune to the smell of human gas.

“It’s confusing and arousing,” said Phrochno. “I believe this correlation can be attributed to Darwinism, but I would need Darwin himself to explain what is going on.

“Further, it seems like high-income family members aggressively seek out the smell of their own poots and are consistently denied satisfaction. However, low-income families tend to avoid butt-toot smells, but end up sniffing them anyway. It just doesn’t make sense at this point.”

While Phrochno’s research progresses, Edina residents continue to suffer with the inability to smell their own farts.

“It’s about the children at this point,” Danzak said. “I’m afraid that my kids will grow up without knowing their own scent. I’m not political, but I can’t help but blame Obama for this disaster.”