Author Archives: Nick

About Nick

Interstrapolating condectistic devariance via opentasmic protensive mindopathy.

Twins Select Janitor In 2014 MLB Draft

Minneapolisstanley-spadowski, MN—The 2014 Major League Baseball draft has uninterestingly concluded, resulting in something like 80 or so guys taken by the Minnesota Twins. Among the players drafted were four St. Paul Saints infielders in addition to St. Paul Saints clubhouse janitor Chlaff Peenisackle.

“Scouted him during batting practice. Great footwork, swings his stick like a natural,” explained Twins GM Terry Ryan. The Twins have made a marginally-successful ballclub out of scouting raw talent within their farm system. Mop-wielder Peenisackle should be no exception.

The club deployed Similar tactics during the 2013 draft with their selection of Target Field groundskeeper Bronk Clobbler.

Friends of the site: Please read this very real, very serious announcement.

ab6d6293-bda9-4632-bdc7-478ea6059871Early in 2012, a close friend of mine, a brilliant man, a fan of comedy and laughter by the name of Cody Marthaller, came to me with an idea. He said “Nothing bonkers ever happens in Fargo. How bout we make our own satirical news on our own website?” Of course, I was all for it. Thus, the FM Observer was born. At first, we experimented with spinning actual current events into wild, nutty stories. Then we got overly-creative and began completely making things up. As the content evolved, the site itself underwent many cosmetic changes—all made possible by Cody. He built this thing for us from the ground up and is the man who made it all happen. Since then, there has been a plethora of hilarious, irreverent and at times legitimate content that we’ve all enjoyed—and i’m here to tell you that NONE of it would exist without Cody.

Now we’re asking for a little something in return. Later that same year, in the fall of 2012, Cody was diagnosed with a very rare but treatable form of small-cell lung cancer. He’s singlehandedly kept the site going while fighting this battle ever since then. Now he’s in need of our help. He’s reached his financial limits (having not been able to work for quite some time) and as a result, he’s set up a donation website to raise money for medical costs incurred during this very long, very arduous ongoing battle.

Friends of the site and friends of Cody himself, I implore you to consider a donation. The link is below. Your contribution will not go unnoticed and will bring him every step closer to winning the fight for his life.

http://www.youcaring.com/medical-fundraiser/trying-to-beat-cancer/186890

Fargo Man Arrested For Flash-Frying Entire Cow

illegal?

Illegal.

Fargo, ND—Authorities were dispatched to a north Fargo neighborhood yesterday afternoon as one witness called to report what sounded like “A raging cauldron full of boiling guts” rumbling in his neighbor’s back yard.

Police arrived to find Todd Fox, a resident infamous for melting snow with a flamethrower, presiding over a 10,000-gallon propane-powered boiling vat of grease which contained a full, beer-battered Holstein cow.

“I seen it on TV, thought it’d be a good idea,” said Fox, who appeared to be referring to an Aqua Teen Hunger Force episode in which character Master Shake flash-fries a fully intact, battered cow in his residential neighborhood driveway. Fox was armed to the teeth with enough empty bottles of vegetable oil to kill a sperm whale, 10 propane-powered Nipco space heaters, a hydraulic hoist and a 10,000-gallon stainless steel tank he said he bought “real cheap at my uncle Burp’s flea market.”

Police would have none of it as they arrested Fox on charges of reckless endangerment and possession of livestock without a permit. When asked how he obtained the deceased animal, Fox declared “I know me a butcher.”

LeBron James Comes Out As Gay—For Himself

lebron-decisionIndianapolis, IN—In what some are calling a sudden, poorly-timed but not altogether shocking announcement, basketball star LeBron James has come out of the closet…..sort of. He has officially announced, on live TV, that he is gay…for LeBron James.

Following last night’s Eastern Conference Semifinals loss to the Pacers, King James explained himself to ESPN insider Jim Gray while waiting for his flight home. “I want the world to know somethin’ right now. It doesn’t matter if you win or lose or only play 24 minutes while you’re in foul trouble. What matters is that i’m gay.” LeBron said. “You are a homosexual?” replied a stunned Jim Gray. “No, stupid. I’m gay…for LeBron James! Wouldn’t you be? There’s truly nothin’ I can’t do; the best dribbler, shooter, dunker, defender, father, and soon-to-be actor in movies. I’m gay for LeBron James! AAAHHH feels so good to say that! I love me some me, baby!”

What prompted this sudden announcement is baffling to not only the Observer but to the entire basketball community. The spotlight couldn’t shine on James any harder than it will this Friday when the Heat attempt to close out the series at home against Indiana. Now, on top of it all, the Miami media, fans as well as his Heat teammates have to deal with a bellowing narcissist.

Salesman Fired For Not Lying To Customers

Jampy Borktartle

Jampy Borktartle

Fargo, ND—A guy who plays by his own rules has been 86’d from a local used car dealership, the Observer has learned. Gacky Rearwater, formerly a used car & junk salesman for Uncle Jampy’s Metal & Wheels Emporium on south 18th street, was let go by the company for refusing to tell outright lies to his customers.

Gacky feels he was misled in regards to sales tactics. “My boss Jampy Borktartle used to always tell me ‘Hey Gacky, hneyh hyneh! You gotta tell them bozos whatever they wanna hear, hnyeh hyenh!’ but that’s not how I was taught to do business,” Gacky explained. “You give ’em truth and honesty and that’s what you get back, jack.”

Jampy fired Gacky after too many customers left the Metal & Wheels Emporium without a purchase. Gacky just couldn’t bear the burden of lies. He couldn’t use honesty to sell Jampy’s dysfunctional collection of rust-buckets, tark-wheels and glomper-rods.

Singer Paula Cole Rejoicing As Cowboys Finally Located

6499465299_5e9fa81f46_bBoston, MA – The Observer is happy to learn that musician Paula Cole is on cloud nine today after her beloved cowboys were recently discovered to have relocated to the frontier of West Texas where they’ve owned and operated a dude ranch for the past 17 years.

The singer’s popular lament “Where Have All the Cowboys Gone” skewered the Billboard top 10 back in 1997 and subsequently earned her a Grammy. She has been criticized as being a “one-hit wonder” but in reality, she was simply too distraught over the cowboys’ disappearance to continue writing commercially-successful music:

“I will admit, i’ve been churning out audible drivel ever since ‘Cowboys’. The fire just wasn’t inside me anymore. I would look for inspiration in empty places…places that the cowboys used to be.”

When asked why they decided to desert Paula Cole and form a dude ranch, the cowboys remarked “Who is Paula Cole and why are you asking us these questions about her?? Leave us alone.”

The Observer is hoping that newfound closure will help Paula Cole turn the corner and start writing inspired music again. Meanwhile, the cowboys have filed restraining orders.

Area Dog Launches Search Party For Own Tail

tailFargo, ND—An area dog, name of Chip, has exhausted all independent efforts to obtain a long, thin appendage that was thought to have been located somewhere near the back side of his body.

Collective efforts are being made to help Chip locate this estranged body part believed to be his tail. Local police have put out an APB on Chip’s tail while he and his owner are conducting an independent search party comprised of some of Chip’s favorite stuffed animals. “He’s never been able to catch it. Now, i’m afraid he’s lost it completely,” said Chip’s owner, Greg.

Neighborhood dogs can be heard voicing their concerns over the disappearance of Chip’s tail during obnoxious late-night barking marathons.

We will continue to update this article as developments in the case are made but for now, let’s sit back & watch Chip chase his tail.

Area Man Sleepwalks Fargo Marathon

2.sleepwalkingFargo, ND—The annual Fargo Marathon was greeted with an unlikely participant this year as one area man haphazardly decided to not run, not jog, not walk but sleepwalk a portion of the route. Packy Backmelt, an apparent victim of sleepwalking, awoke to cheers as he zombie-walked his way past the finish line this morning. This made the Observer wonder: how did this happen?

Sleepwalkers tend to roam around in a half-conscious-unconscious state, able to manipulate doorknobs and bounce off of walls and house pets. When questioned, Packy had no recollection of the events leading up to his crossing the finish line. What he can confirm is that his house resides on one of the streets that comprised the marathon route. The Observer was forced to investigate.

neverwakeasleepwalker_528x297

Runners were polite enough not to interfere with Packy’s adventure.

What we found out was this: since Backmelt works the graveyard shift, he returned home from work promptly at 6:00am only to be greeted with pooling crowds and road closures. He was forced to park a couple blocks west of his home. The extended walk to his front door made him more disoriented than usual, causing him forget to lock his front door (as he normally does to prevent precisely this type of incident).

A couple hours after falling asleep, Packy rose from the dead and sleepwalked his way outside with relative ease. He wandered onto the street, blending in with marathon runners and other passers-by, bouncing around jauntily only to cross the finish line a half an hour later.

Marathon officials stated that this unsanctioned participant “hilariously snuck his way into the race, unbeknownst to both us and spectators alike” but they will not be charging him with race interference.

 

Area Man Stares In Bewilderment At Printed Newspaper

Reading A Newspaper By A WallBirmingham, AL—College Freshman Adam Callows, 19, stood there in a state of confusion yesterday as a gust of wind blew the front page of a printed news publication onto his left leg. “What the…?” he exclaimed as he bent over to pick up this strange conglomeration of words and graphics that clearly did not exist on his mobile device.

“News…on paper?” he said to himself, quizzically. Callows seemed utterly mystified at the presence of this ink-on-paper media source. “Who would waste their time…do they give these away?? I’ve always wondered where uncle Ted got all that Christmas wrapping paper with the words and pictures on it. Apparently, he was using a ‘news paper’ to conceal the identity of our gifts.”

Callows muddled over the useless piece of paper for another few seconds before tossing it in a nearby trashcan.

BREAKING: Vikings Trade Away Six Draft Picks To Keep Adrian Peterson


Minneapolis, MN—I believe the old saying goes, “In with the new, in with the old.” That’s the mantra around Minnesota Vikings football team headquarters these days as newly-acquired head coach Mike Zimmer is employing some old tricks that long-time fans of the Purple have seen before.

As reported by Matt Drangle of the Minneapolis Sun-Times, the Vikings have traded away their 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 3rd, 4th, and 5th-round 2014 draft picks for the rights to keep star running back Adrian Peterson. This leaves them with only 6th and 7th-round picks.

“When you’re carrying a loaded magnum with six bullets, what are you gonna do? NOT fire the gun?” quoted coach Zimmer. “We spoke to the league. They agreed that there’s nothing in the NFL Book of Bylaws that says you can’t have an NFL draft fire sale every 20 years or so. This will keep our offense on the right track and save us a ton of cap space by not having to ink a fleet of unproven rookies.”

Coach went on to explain that draft picks are just numbers, they’re not even players and that trading away numbers for an actual player was good strategy. Coach’s strategy is particularly baffling as the player in question is currently under contract. At press time it is not certain where the traded-away draft picks will end up, but it sounds likely that they will be donated to a local non-profit organization.

Not since 1989 have the Purple traded away a heavy handful of draft picks for a mega-talent. It appears coach Zimmer abides by another old saying: “When in Rome, do as the Romans do.”

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