Category Archives: Editorial

Military Raising The Bar On Combat Readiness Test

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Pull-ups now considered to be cruel and unusual.

Columbia, SC – At Fort Michael Jackson, where most of the army recruits go for basic training, the Military is changing its testing to see who “makes it” and who goes home.

Gone are the days of push-ups, pull-ups, and a two-mile fun run.

The Army no longer wants to test fitness but rather combat readiness.

The FM Observer has learned of some of the new tests that hopeful recruits will have to withstand.

The Military’s New Combat Readiness Test:

1. How many times can you get up off your couch and run to the kitchen for a beer (and drink it) in five minutes?
2. Can you lift and carry a full box of Twinkies without opening it and eating any?
3. How quickly can you walk through an obstacle course while txting an encrypted message on your iPhone?
4. Can you find five randomly selected items on the Internet using Google search?
5. How long does it take you to fall asleep and then wake up and perfectly make your bed?
6. Can you cook and then eat an edible omelette using some randomly chosen ingredients?
7. After some shots of tequila, can you legibly sign your name and then properly parallel park a Hummer?
8. How long does it take you to find North after being blindfolded and spun around?
9. Can you remember and repeat back a list of ten items which might be found in a hardware store?
10. How long can you hold your breath while they drive by to spray for the Zika Virus?

Who Should Obama Nominate As Supreme Court Justice? An FM Observer Investigative Report

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With the unfortunate passing of Justice Antonin Scalia, Obama is now met with another opportunity to nominate one respected, authoritative, experienced, judgmental individual to the United States Supreme Court.

Who will he pick? One can only speculate. Who should he pick? Well, how bout we throw a few names around and see what sticks:

David Petraeus

petraeus

Stern with cases?

Former CIA Director, Military General, Medal of Merit recipient. The man has pedigree (alleged sex scandal notwithstanding). Maybe Obama could name him Supreme Court General.

Supreme Leader Snoke

Qualified because already supreme.

Qualified because already supreme.

With experience as a Supreme Leader, Snoke can utilize the powers of the Dark Side to restore balance to the galaxy judicial system.

Al Gore

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No…?

Former VP and current climate change advocate Algore would make for a key addition. You just know Obama is going to want to push through some global cooling bills before his term is up.

Making A Murderer’s Ken Kratz

Would get kicked out of the Supreme Court faster than Steven Avery went back to jail

Would get kicked out of the Supreme Court faster than Steven Avery went back to jail.

The sneaky prosecutor from the famous Netflix docu-series Making A Murderer, Kratz is about as crooked as Hillary’s email server. Will that deter Obama from naming him Justice? Will it?

Janet Reno

Reno

Justice stands tall.

That killer instinct held at bay for over a decade, Former US Attorney General Janet Reno has been waiting quietly in the shadows since her retirement from politics in 2003. Reno will stand tall, wielding an impressively long arm of justice for years to come.

Should anyone else be considered for this prestigious nomination? Will you put your nomination suggestions in the comment section below? Only time will tell.

Valuable Valentine’s Day Mobiles Cleverly Hidden Throughout Fargo-Moorhead Area

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This stunningly beautiful mobile by Amsterdam Douglass has an estimated worth of $100,000

West Fargo, ND – As a special Valentine’s Day treat for our readers, the FM Observer’s local resident artist has offered up some extra exciting fun.

Amsterdam Douglass is his name, and mobiles are his latest game.

Our long-time friend and seriously famous artist, Amsterdam Douglass, has created ten Valentine’s Day mobiles (each worth an estimated $100,000) and has also cleverly hidden them throughout the greater Fargo-Moorhead area.

Let us know if you find one of these beautiful Valentine’s Day mobiles created especially for you by Amsterdam Douglass.

We would like to have a picture taken of all the winners holding their mobiles.

So, good luck mobile hunting on this lovely Spring day, and Happy Valentine’s Day from the FM Observer, your most trusted source of satirical fake news.

Sir Elton John Is Buying The Fargo Theater

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Sir Elton John is the proud new owner of the famous Fargo Theater.

Sir Elton John is the proud new owner of the famous Fargo Theater.

Old Windsor, Berkshire – Through our London branch office, the FM Observer has just learned that Sir Elton John is purchasing the Fargo Theater.

FMO: Mr. John, why did you want to buy the Fargo Theater, of all places?

Sir Elton John: Well, actually, it has long been on my bucket list, to own the Fargo Theater. We all thought it was a bloody good fit, a win-win, if you will? Plus, I loved the movie Fargo, and the wood chipper, and all that. And also, my accountants said this would be a great tax write-off!

FMO: Will you be doing any performances in Fargo, at your newly acquired concert venue?

Sir Elton John: That is a very likely scenario and we’ll have more exciting things to say about that in coming months! Right now, I’d just like to say, thank you to all the friendly people of Fargo, for welcoming me into your community, and for allowing me to own such a famous landmark, which will forever after be known as: Sir Elton John’s Fargo Theater, for tax purposes.

Fargo Band Selected To Perform During Halftime Of Next Super Bowl

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Double Negative is not expected to not perform during halftime of Super Bowl 51!

Fargo, ND – The ever-popular Fargo band “Double Negative” has just been chosen to play during the halftime of Super Bowl 52!

Even though the news came as quite a surprise, the seasoned band members all took it in stride.

Lead singer Mattie Guzman: “At first, we thought we didn’t have what it takes, but that attitude won’t get you nowhere.”

Guitar and saxophone player Tony Malone: “We can’t not be any worse than Coldplay was.”

Drummer Jimmy Chambers: “We haven’t never played for an event as big as the Super Bowl.”

Keyboardist Garland Gendron: “Nobody with any sense isn’t going to miss playing this gig.”

Bass player Adam Stokes: “I don’t not think this is a very, very big deal!”

Some of the songs that Double Negative often plays at gigs in Fargo include:

I Can’t Get No Satisfaction
We Don’t Need No Education
Ain’t No Mountain High Enough

Some of the songs written by Double Negative and which you can expect to hear during halftime of Super Bowl 51 are:

That Won’t Do You No Good
I Ain’t Got No Time For You
She Never Kisses Nobody

Zen Poets Group To Protest That ‘Blank Lines Matter’

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Blank Lines Matter!

Blank Lines Matter!

Zenda, Wisconsin – A group of minimalist Zen monks are forming an official protest group called: Blank Lines Matter!

As writers of Zen Koans and haikus, these humble Zen monks also believe that: Blank Lines Matter!

“As minimalists, we truly believe that a blank line is even more powerful than a non-blank line”, meditated Zen monk Basho (which means Banana Tree).

“When we look at a blank page of paper, full of blank lines, we are almost overwhelmed by its perfection and potential.”

If you too feel that Blank Lines Matter!, you are cordially invited to join the Zen monks at any of their Zen monasteries to drink the ceremonial green tea and crunch on candied crickets.

Feel free to express yourself by making protest signs that somewhere include: Blank Lines Matter!

Basho says don’t forget to include some blank lines on your protest poster.

Basho also wishes you a lifetime of peace and tranquility and reminds you to always remember that: Blank Lines Matter!

Basho’s Top Ten Zen Proverbs

Thin Man Found Living Inside Fargo Family’s Chair

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A thin man had been living in this chair for 30 years. Police asking folks to check their furniture.

A thin man had been living in this chair for 30 years. Police asking folks to check their furniture.

Fargo, ND – In what police are calling a “very bizarre situation”, a thin elderly man was recently discovered to be living inside a Fargo family’s large comfy chair, which had been in the middle of their living room.

Apparently, after delivering the large, over-stuffed chair to their home thirty years ago, the man decided to crawl inside the chair and stay for awhile.

The man would sneak out at night to get food from the fridge, perhaps stop in the bathroom, and then crawl back inside the chair.

He admits: “During the last thirty years, I sometimes did get rather bored, but then someone would come and sit in the chair, which was always fun for me.”

The Police are now referring to the man as the Chairman of the Bored.

Police are also requesting that everyone in the community please check all your furniture for any unexpected inhabitants who may be living inside.

Moorhead Imposes Harsh New Penalties For All Non-Recyclers

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Moorhead's new penalties for not recycling the most draconian in the nation.

Moorhead’s new penalties for not recycling are the most draconian in the nation.

Moorhead, MN – Effective immediately, the City of Moorhead will now be enforcing stringent new penalties for any and all households that do not recycle.

Moorhead’s Recycling Czar Marv Hammerstone: “Some folks might not like how strict these new penalties are but we don’t like non-recyclers.”

For a 1st violation, the penalty will be: One week at a recycling work camp, one day on the e-Wall of Shame, a fine of $100, and one Hail Mary.

For a 2nd violation, the penalty will be: Two weeks at a recycling work camp, two days on the e-Wall of Shame, a fine of $200, and two Hail Marys. And so on and so forth.

How will the City of Moorhead know if someone is not recycling?

Czar Hammerstone says: “Oh, we will know! Don’t you worry about that, mmkay? We will use every sneaky possible way we can think of to determine if you’re a non-recycler and then impose swift and hard punishments accordingly.”

New ND License Plates Being Recalled Because Fonts Suck

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Everyone agrees that the new ND license plates suck. The only question is: How much?

Bismarck, ND – For Immediate Release:

Announcement: All of the new North Dakota ‘Sunrise’ license plates are being immediately recalled because: The fonts suck!

FMO: Hello? Could you please be a little more Pacific?

Official Response: The main brown font that says ‘NORTH DAKOTA’ looks like ‘a piece of rope’ from any distance more than half a car length.

And the ‘PEACE GARDEN STATE’ that’s cleverly hidden down in the bottom left corner isn’t even big enough to put cheese on, if it t’was a cracker.

Moral: Don’t frack with perfection. :o/