Category Archives: Local

Christopher Wiener Fargo

Man Busted In Sex Toy Case Forgot Some Supplies

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Christopher Wiener FargoFargo, ND – A Fargo man recently busted for stealing a fake vagina, has been busted again.

Christopher Wiener, 26, is back in the news this time trying to steal a camera from Scheels on 45th ST Fargo.

Last week, Christopher Weiner was caught stealing a fake vagina.  After he was let go, Mr. Weiner had time to go home and think.  It was during this thinking session, Mr Weiner realized he was missing an important electronic accessory to compliment his fake vagina.  That is, a camera that takes video.

Weiner then made his way to Scheels-All-Sports on 45th ST.  However, Weiner isn’t good at shoplifting and was subsequently caught again.  This time, trying to steal a camera with video.

Everything is coming together.  We all now know what fate that fake vagina had that night.  Mr. Wiener was planing on having quite the party apparently with that fake vagina and camera and we feel sorry for any future fake vaginas and cameras that are in  Mr. Wieners possession in the future.

Former Coach’s Nightclub Location Survives Suicide Attempt

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gbin03Moorhead, MN—The downtown location of a former hip & now, with it and wow nightclub has survived an apparent suicide attempt. The past home of Coach’s Sports Pub on 6th Street and Center Avenue in Moorhead set itself on fire early this morning.

What was once the go-to location in Moorhead for college students and partygoers has completely let itself go over the better part of the last decade. The former hotspot is known to have been battling depression as of late, and this recent suicide attempt looks like an obvious cry for help.

“Ever since Coach’s went away, the building has never been the same” says Cyndi McVickers, a former nightclub patron. “It just sits there, looking all sad and lonely, getting fat. I feel bad for it. I have to say, hearing about this suicide attempt is not surprising at all.”

Firefighters battled the suicide attempt for many hours last night, putting out fires in and around the area that used to be the kitchen.

The departure of Coach’s left a sore spot in the downtown area. It dealt a blow that 600 Center Street never fully recovered from. We wish the building well and hope for a speedy recovery.

Red River Valley Fair Freak Show

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Come see the Freak Show for some indelible memories

Come see the Freak Show for some indelible memories

Fargo, ND – When the Red River Valley Fair comes to town later this month, it is bringing more than just the Tilt-A-Whirl and Merry-Go-Round.

After many years of being locked in the closet due to political incorrectness, the Freak Show will triumphantly make its return.

If you’ve been having a hankering to see normal-challenged plants, animals, and homo sapiens, you’ll definitely want to pay admission to see the Freak Show, now back in its full glory.

All under one large Freak Show tent, you will be able to see a six-foot Venus Fly Trap that eats hamburgers, a two-headed sheep, the famous Bearded Lady, and the Human Pin Cushion.

You’re guaranteed to see at least thirty serious freaks at any one time. Every day at 4 o’clock there will be a Freak Parade where all the freaks (that can walk) will parade around the Midway to hopefully bring back a long line of business into the Freak Show tent.

Some of the other freaks you may see include:

  • Donkey Man
  • the Human Bowling Ball
  • the Three Sisters (that share the same body)
  • the Woman with Crocodile Skin
  • an animal that’s half dog and half monkey
  • Two-headed, one-nosed, three-eyed, double-mouth calf
  • the only living Cyclops
  • an Albino Family
  • Mr. Hotdog Fingers
  • plus a plethora of dwarfs and midgets along with 8-foot Mr. Goliath

At the bottom of every hour, the host for the Stage Show is a Three-Legged Man whose identical brother has real fish gills and sits in his water tank bedroom.

Pictures and videos are allowed in the Freak Show tent so bring your camera and smart phones. Just like some of the rides at the fair, the Freak Show will take your breath away but is safe and fun for the whole family.

suspended for wearing camo to school

West Fargo School Suspends Kid For Wearing Camouflage Shirt

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suspended for wearing camo to schoolWest Fargo, ND – Eight year old William Yelverton just wanted to go to school to learn a whole bunch of knowledge earlier Wednesday morning, however, that was not the case.  William was suspended and sent home.

William went to school like any other normal kid Wednesday morning.  Smiling and full of sugar. However, William decided to wear a camouflage shirt to school that day and the administration didn’t take too kindly to it.

William was learning his states and flags when the intercom came on calling him into the principals office.  He slowly walked down the halls and into the office wondering what the heck he did.

Turns out, Williams camouflage shirt got him into trouble.

“They saw my camouflage shirt and were instantly intimidated by me they told me.”

William thought he was being fashionable and wanted to impress the girl he had a crush on.

“They also said that it could be dangerous during recess as the other kids could possibly not see me due to me blending in with my surroundings.”

“We try and promote non-creativity here.  As the years go on we implement more rules and regulations to limit what the kids can do.  We’ve banned tag, basketball, football, well almost all sports actually.  No more coloring either.  We really try hard to teach these kids…..something…..ya know,” the principal stated.

William says he might come back next week as a Ninja.  He stated that a Ninja can blend in with his surroundings better than a camouflage shirt, thus not getting him suspended again.

 

Jail To Offer Square Dancing As Threat Or Bribe

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King of the Fiddle: Charlie Fritters

King of the Fiddle: Charlie Fritters

Fargo, ND – The Cass County Jail will soon be implementing a new, fun activity for some of their inmate population.

The sounds of Square Dancing in the jailhouse will be heard on Wednesday afternoons and Saturday evenings. As a bonus treat, pink lemonade and powdered doughnuts will be offered, for a nominal fee.

Warden Norm Orzak said he got the idea of having jailhouse square dances from a visiting Catholic priest who suggested that they duplicate at the jail what folks have been doing down in the church basement for years.

Special Training Officer Orietta Posada explains that if jail inmates like the idea of some periodic social square dancing with other inmates, then the square dancing will be used as a bribe.

However, if they perhaps do not appreciate the chance to partake in the fine art of square dancing with other cellmates, then it will be used as a threat or punishment.

To kick it all off, the jail staff is proud to be bringing in an ol’ time fiddler named Charlie Fritters from Backwoods, Arkansas. He was once called the King of the Fiddle and can supposedly make people cry with his music.

On his website, someone recently left the following comment about Charlie Fritters:

Ol’ Charlie Fritters
Kind of has the jitters
His shakin’ helps a little
When it’s time to play the fiddle.

He’s the King of the Fiddle
or somewhere in the middle
Square dancing’s worth a try
Charlie Fritters will make you cry.

Mr. Charlie Fritters
Don’t allow no quitters
You will work up a sweat
And have lots of fun, yah you bet!

Warden Orzak sums it up like this: “If this all goes well, and there’s not a lot of fighting, we may add some additional new, fun activities in the future, such as: Bingo-rama, an interactive Petting Zoo, and Team Dodgeball.”

travis beck ndsu bison fargo

New Police Video. NDSU linebacker Travis Beck Had Dirty Hands.

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travis beck ndsu bison fargoFargo, ND – North Dakota State University star linebacker Travis Beck has been all over the news lately.  He recently had his aggravated assault charge dropped but a new video has surfaced.

Police have obtained the security bathroom video which shows Travis Beck before the alleged assault incident.  The video depicts Travis Beck not washing his hands after going number two.

These new developments are astonishing because that means Travis Beck more then likely had poopy hands during the alleged assault/self defense incident.  The other individual had no idea poopy hands were being used against him.

Travis Beck has been taken into custody again and will be charged with using poopy hands in a self defense situation.  We will make sure to report these new police findings to all news stations and government agencies including the White House.  Travis Beck deserves punishment for this.

Hopefully he learns to wash his hands properly before the NDSU Bison take the field.  Nobody wants to play with poopy hand guy.

Fargo Man Says ‘I Digress’ Way Too Much

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"But I digress..."

“But I digress…”

Fargo, ND—An area man is suffering a firestorm of controversy after his alleged abuse of the phrase “I digress” during a one-sided conversation yesterday.

Ricky Roma, 29, is a known abuser of the phrase. He can’t seem to get his point across succinctly due to his tendency to ramble.

“Ricky says ‘I digress’ waaay too much”, exclaims his co-worker Adam. “It’s obvious he doesn’t even know what digress means…I think he just likes hearing himself say it.”

Adam went on to explain that he and his co-worker Josh thought that Ricky had gone completely overboard with his recent story, using the phrase a total of 39 times in five minutes.

“He kept saying it over and over again, with no clear objective. He would talk about how hot the sauce was on his pulled pork he had at Rib Fest and then say ‘I digress’ and keep right on talking about the sauce. Then he’d say it again! It was so infuriating. I almost called the police.”

When asked about his constant overuse of the word ‘digress’, Ricky had this to say:

“I digress.”

Area Cats Tripping On Acid

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Survey Says: Many FM-area cats are tripping on LSD.

Survey Says: Many FM-area cats are tripping on LSD.

Fargo, ND – Just as many local residents have long suspected, a recent survey has shown that many cats in the Fargo-Moorhead area are taking LSD on a daily basis.

Ms. Caramella Brandybuck of the National Feline Drug Taskforce is reporting that acid (LSD) has been pouring into our area from Minneapolis. The main kingpin drug lord responsible for the illicit trafficking has been a cat who goes by the name of Mr. Kitty (click on pic to see Mr. Kitty).

Caramella says that “Mr. Kitty and his organization have not only been bringing the drugs in, but have also set up quite an elaborate distribution network and have gotten many cats hooked on daily usage.”

If you’ve been thinking your cat has been acting abnormally odd of late, this newly available information might be very beneficial in helping spread awareness of this latest disturbing trend.

How can you tell if your cat is tripping on acid? Similar to humans, cats will sit and stare for hours with large dilated pupils, then suddenly jump sky high and totally freak out!

During acid trips, you may not see your cat(s) for daze on end. Hallucinations are very common, some of which they will try to attack as threatening phantom menaces.

If you ever try to stroke your cat while it is tripping out, or even give it a massage, and the reaction you get is not quite what you’d normally expect, your cat may very likely have its head in the clouds, while seeing you through a kaleidoscope.

Some creative cats have even learned how to scam the system and receive monthly social security checks to help finance their new-found favorite substitute for catnip.

If you think your cat is tripping on acid, please do not hesitate to call the National Feline Drug Taskforce at 1-800-CAT-TRIP.

Minivan Fargo

Why It’s Ok To Drive A Minivan

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Minivan FargoFargo, ND. – The stereotype of driving a mini van is still live and well in 2013.  Whether you’re a soccer mom or a father with multiple kids, people who see you driving the minivan know your dignity as been ripped from your soul.

ALL THIS…..NOT TRUE!  You know what?  Minivans rock and here are some reasons why.

Manual Doors Are For Pussies

Who wants manual doors in the year 2013?  The convenience of having automatic doors is second to none.  Less effort and it makes you feel like a king. Pfft…manual doors!  Whatever!  Make the minivan work for you not with you.

 

Can Haul Anything

A minivan is so spacious that it can literally haul anything.  Throw all your ugly stinky shit in the van for a weekend camping trip while hauling a boat!  Then take that ugly shit out after the automatic doors open up for you.  If you’re a serial killer, you could probably haul 15 bodies up in that thang.

 

Not Giving  A Shit

Nothing smells of a manly man like driving a minivan.  It shouts, “I literally don’t give a shit that I’m driving this minivan.”  Who doesn’t flock to that confidence?

 

Room To Go Out Drinking

All your friends are over and want to go out.  Problem is, they all have cars.  Not you.  You have a minivan because you’re awesome.  You can fit 7 people in there comfortably.  Your ‘uncool’ minivan suddenly became ‘cool’.  But you already knew you were cool……because you drive a kickass minivan.  A minivan with a sweet dvd player.

 

Not A Cop Magnet

Cops don’t look to pull minivans over.  Look around next time you see people stopped.  Is it ever a minivan?  No.  No it’s not.  Minivans usually contain more then one kid and kids carry cooties and sometimes smell of fecal matter.  Cops don’t want none of that.  They don’t want ANY of that.

 

Can Certainly Have Sex In A Minivan

This had to make the list because you certainly CAN have sex in a minivan.  It’s so roomy it’s possible.  Then later down the road you already have a minivan to haul your newly born kids around in.  The minivan you had sex in a year before.

 

Viva La Minivan!

Fargo Bathroom Swordfighting

Jim Briton Is The Best Bathroom Swordsman in Fargo-Moorhead

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Fargo Bathroom SwordfightingFargo, ND – Bathroom sports are a daily thing and Jim Briton is the best of it all.

Years and years ago, Jim Briton was too young to play bathroom swords with all the other folks.  But after growing up and practicing on his own on a daily basis, he is now the best bathroom swordsman in Fargo-Moorhead.

Being able to practice bathroom swordsmanship on my own all these years has really given me the advantage over the others as my mother would always clean up after me.  Large sporting events bathrooms are the best place to show my skills.  Many men want to challenge my piss swordfighting skills and I gladly take the challenge.  They usually walk out of the bathroom battered and beaten I’m that good.

How did you get interested in bathroom swordfighting?  “Well, I got bored just pissing straight into the toilet.  I’m standing there holding my piss pump thinking there’s got to be more to it than this.  That’s when I started challenging others around me to a swordfighting match.”

Since walking into bathrooms all over the city, Jim Briton’s career has soared.  Everybody knows him.  Everybody fears him.  There is no bathroom swordsman Jim can’t handle.

Just last month Jim Briton beat over 100 men in bathroom swording and the numbers are rising.

I’m on a roll and nobody can stop me.  It’s a great feeling.  I’m continually improving my bathroom swordfighting skills and I feel confident I can walk into any bathroom and beat anyone I wish.

Jim Briton is sure to reach an all-american bathroom swordfighting status soon.  Keep an eye out for Jim in the Fargo-Moorhead area.  This local celebrity could be pissing right next to you.