Category Archives: Local

Returned Diversion Assessment Ballots Being Used To Build Diversion

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dike pulp

All of your returned ‘NO’ ballots will be put to good use

Fargo, ND—Local property owners: Did you recently find a flood risk ballot in your mailbox asking you to help fund the FM Diversion project? Did you open it, read it, then furiously scrawl an X in the ‘No’ box and send it in? Then we have great news! You’ve officially done your part in getting the diversion built.

County assessors, after being completely inundated with paper, are creatively re-purposing the thousands of ‘No’ ballots towards the pending diversion construction project.

“This massive amount of paper is going to be recycled into dike pulp. It….uh…..that was our plan all along, actually,” stated FM Diversion project lead Thousman Van Biplemblaven. “We, um….we figured this would happen, so….we’re just gonna build part of the dike out of those papers. Everyone already voted no. There’s a buttload of paper.”

Officials loaded all the “dike pulp” inside an unused Hector International Airport airplane hangar until construction begins in the year 2187.

Minnesota Tells Residents To Stick It To Fargo

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Minnesota State Fair to serve Fargo-On-A-Stick!

Fergus Falls, MN – Apparently not everyone in Minnesota loves Fargo as much as Fargo does.

Emotions seem to be running quite high after a Minnesota County Board made and seconded a motion to “Stick It To Fargo”.

All this comes at a major watershed moment for the rocky Minn-Kota relationship, which has seen some growing turbidity lately due to the controversial $1.8 billion Red River Diversion Project.

Minnesota’s hostile new campaign to “Stick It To Fargo” will unfortunately only muddy the waters and make matters worse, while Fargo considers its own reciprocal “Stick It To Minnesota” offensive.

No One Leaves Alive From This Fargo Haunted House

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This mansion is the pictorial definition of “Haunted”.

Fargo, ND – It’s the place everyone knows about, but no one talks about. Fargo’s Minister Mansion, as it is called, is thee most haunted house between Moorhead, Minnesota and Missoula, Montana. If you don’t know where it is exactly, ask any long-time Fargo resident who believes in God, but fears the undead.

Some of what we do know: A Methodist minister once lived in the home, until he mysteriously died one night, along with his entire family, and all their pets. Since then, it seems that no one who’s actually entered this haunted house has come out, alive.

Based on well-placed police surveillance cameras, every Sunday night there seems to be a gathering of some sort, inside the mansion, just as the minister who lived there had for all his church members every Sunday night.

Minister Mansion will soon be the subject of a new upcoming investigative reality mini-series on the FX Channel in which they will attempt to probe the haunted mansion by using hi-tech robots and drones.

Drunk Zamboni Driver Ices Ex-Wife’s Property

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Many ways to show your love.

Many ways to show your love.

Fargo, ND – It was probably bound to happen eventually. A drunk Zamboni driver “temporarily borrowed” the big ice machine to give his ex-wife an early Valentine’s Day present.

Mr. Sam Pony has been charged with possession of stolen property, destruction of property, and violation of a restraining order.

The police report indicates that: “After drinking more than his limit of Fargo Beer, Mr. Pony proceeded to drive the Zamboni out of the Fargo South High Hockey Arena and into his ex-wife’s yard where everything including the sidewalks and driveway got a thick coating of ice.”

With temperatures plummeting into the deep-freeze due to Global Cooling, this ice will probably be around at least until Spring.

When asked why he did it, Mr. Sam Pony tried to say: “With Valentine’s Day almost here, I wanted to turn my ex-wife’s yard into one big glazed donut. I thought it looked real nice! I donut see what the big problem is, ya know what I’m saying? You donut have to get all bent out of shape over this, ya know. Hey, it’s just ice, man!”

Local Moms Gather For Nappy Hour

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imagesMoms from across the area are gathering today at 2 pm for the first ever Nappy Hour. This event consists of one hour in which moms come to take a nap. They are encouraged to bring a blanket, their pajamas, a mat, or whatever will help them get some sleep. Childcare is provided free of charge if you know someone who will provide it. The first Nappy Hour will be held today at Starbucks, corner of 7th St and 3rd Ave. Each month it will be held at a different venue.

Beatrice Witty, founder of Nappy Hour, says “I started Nappy Hour because moms are exhausted. Sometimes moms just want a mid-day nap too. And, moms are looking for excitement so I thought a different spot each month would help to encourage this. Each mom also gets their own choice of candy bar, so no need to sneak from their kids anymore.”

The next Nappy Hour is scheduled for February 3rd at the popular wine bar, The Vine. Moms are encouraged to stay after their nap for Happy Hour and can remain in their pajamas if preferred.

New Dollar Hotel Perfect For Some Budgets

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Bunk for a Buck @ The DoHo

Moorhead, MN – A new budget hotel is coming to the Fargo-Moorhead area.

The Dollar Hotel will offer basic discount luxury.

“Think of the DoHo as the hotel version of the Dollar Store”, said someone.

Each room will smartly come with a single bed.

Also provided will be an alarm clock radio, a Rubik’s cube, some unique art, and an adorable used stuffed animal.

In addition, DoHo guests will have access to a shared bathroom called the Water Closet (just like in Europe).

Looking for a nice little get-a-way? Only have a dollar? Find your way to the Dollar Hotel where their slogan is: Bunk for a Buck!

Local Man Who Dreamed He Was Flying Somehow Woke Up In Tokyo

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When in Japan, see some Sumo!

Fargo, ND – A local Fargo man who crawled into bed in Fargo at around 11:00 PM on December 29th, somehow amazingly woke up in Tokyo, Japan the next day.

Dave Cooperfeld of 243 Pinecone Place says he had a dream that night in which he was flying in a large passenger airplane. When he woke up from his long slumber, he was in Tokyo!

Experts are trying to figure out just how this could have happened. His wife, Claudia, is wondering how her husband is going to get home?

They both recall his recent Chinese fortune cookie which said: “An unexpected trip is soon at hand.” But at the time they both thought it meant a fall or tumble down the stairs.

None of the airlines show any record of Mr. Cooperfeld boarding an airplane between the time he went to bed and when he ended up in Tokyo.

Some speculate that the sleeping Mr. Cooperfeld travelled through a worm hole or a “wrinkle in time”. His wife thinks that rum was involved.

While he’s there, Mr. Cooperfeld is planning on visiting the famous Fish Market, checking out some Sumo wrestling, perhaps drinking some Hot Sake (SOCK-key), and then maybe topping it all off by singing some Karaoke (Carry-OH-key).

Area Man Injured By Falling Gas Prices

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Prices are falling everywhere.

Gas prices: falling all over the place

Fargo, ND—Local man Tarto Burstwalter is suing Phillip’s 66 after he claims he was hit by falling gas prices. The sudden drop was such a jolt that it left him paralyzed from the waist-down.

“Never saw this sharp a drop coming,” said Burstwalter from inside a hospital bed. “When the prices fell, I tried to get out of the way but couldn’t. I was hit. When I came to, I was in the hospital, couldn’t flex my ass cheeks and gas only cost two bucks.”

Burstwalter’s personal injury lawsuit against Phillip’s citing “extreme negligence” and “ass distress” is currently under review.

Million Dollar Painting Found In Garage Rafters

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$1,000,000

Circus Sunday

Fargo, ND – Vern Vandegrift was lighting a cigar out in their cold, un-insulated, detached garage when he noticed something up in the frozen rafters.

It appeared to be an old dusty box.

Vern somehow got the box down from the rafters to take a peak inside.

He carefully slid a well-wrapped framed picture out of the old box and safely onto his garage workbench.

What he found himself looking at was a signed original painting by one of the most elusive French painters of all time: Jan-Panko LaPlonk.

The painting turned out to be the rarely seen “Circus Sunday” which had been lost since the mid-1800’s. Its value is estimated to be $1,000,000.

Now, Vern Vandegrift lights his cigar out in a warm, well-insulated garage. On the wall next to him hangs Jan-Panko LaPlonk’s rarely seen “Circus Sunday”.

Terrible Socialite Diva Making Stop At West Acres

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Kula RePaParker, demon shopmaster

Fargo, ND—The Observer has learned that Kula RePaParker, heiress to the vast RePaParker® line of stylish animal cosmetics, will be attempting to break the Guinness Book of World Records “most state malls shopped by one materialistic human in one year” record by making a slew of frivolous purchases in at least one shopping mall in all 50 states during 2014.

Her final stop will be next Monday, December 29th at West Acres Mall in Fargo. 

During an interview via her diamond-studded platinum-plated iPhone 6+, we caught up with Kula to get her take on what has been a wild year of shopaholism.

FMO: So…you like shopping?

Kula: I should have, like, went to North Derkota in, like, the summer or something. It’s, like, cold there now.

FMO: Yes, well, it’s cold in many places in the winter, not just North Dakota. You’ll need to stay warm somehow.

Kula: I like, have a fur coat made from, like, the interwoven hairs of, like, 2,000 virgin RePaParker® overseas sweatshop workers or whatever.

FMO: That’s lovely! What do you plan on buying when you get to West Acres Mall?

Kula: Like, do they have calf-leather boots or whatever? Mine are, like, 3 days old.

FMO: Maybe…only one way to find out! I’d check JC Penney…

Kula: JC who?

FMO: JC Penney. It’s a widely-known retail manufacturer…

Kula: Is there a Saks there or something?

FMO: Saks Fifth Avenue? No…the mall is on 13th avenue.

Kula: Well, like, um…where am I supposed to shop and junk??

FMO: There are at least two jewelers at West Acres. Maybe you could throw away your most useless 96-karat diamond ring and get a new one?

Kula: …

FMO: Okay. I’m sure they have some leather-bound garments at the Buckle.

Kula: …Ugh!

Is Kula the next Paris Hilton times a thousand? Watch for this beacon of materialism at West Acres Mall some time next Monday afternoon 🙁