Category Archives: News

Drunk Zamboni Driver Ices Ex-Wife’s Property

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Many ways to show your love.

Many ways to show your love.

Fargo, ND – It was probably bound to happen eventually. A drunk Zamboni driver “temporarily borrowed” the big ice machine to give his ex-wife an early Valentine’s Day present.

Mr. Sam Pony has been charged with possession of stolen property, destruction of property, and violation of a restraining order.

The police report indicates that: “After drinking more than his limit of Fargo Beer, Mr. Pony proceeded to drive the Zamboni out of the Fargo South High Hockey Arena and into his ex-wife’s yard where everything including the sidewalks and driveway got a thick coating of ice.”

With temperatures plummeting into the deep-freeze due to Global Cooling, this ice will probably be around at least until Spring.

When asked why he did it, Mr. Sam Pony tried to say: “With Valentine’s Day almost here, I wanted to turn my ex-wife’s yard into one big glazed donut. I thought it looked real nice! I donut see what the big problem is, ya know what I’m saying? You donut have to get all bent out of shape over this, ya know. Hey, it’s just ice, man!”

Brian Williams’ Entire Identity Now Being Questioned

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Brian Williams? His name is Robert Paulson.

Brian Williams? His name is Robert Paulson.

Nyork, NY – With many beginning to question the factual authenticity of a number of news stories reported by the popular NBC news anchor, some are now even looking into if his name is actually Brian Williams.

Independent investigators looking into the host of NBC Nightly News have now learned that in fact his name is Robert Paulson.

The long-used pseudonym “Brian Williams” was possibly the result of cleverly conflating two names of his former college roommates: Brian Exner and Gordon Williams.

George Washington University is positively confirming his name is Robert Paulson.

Records show that he did not graduate from GWU, which was one of the “big regrets “of his life.

His supposed birthdate of May 5, 1959 also seems to have been bogusly fabricated, along with his presumed affinity for NASCARacing.

Chief Investigator Erron Brooks: “The more we look into this guy, the more questions pop up. But at this juncture, the only thing we know for sure is that: His name is Robert Paulson.”

It’s The Year Of The Owl

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Who are you?

I’m kind of a night owl.

Owls Head, NY – Even though it will be the Year of the Sheep for the Chinese New Year, for the rest of the world it is the: Year of the Owl!

Owls seem to be the new hip thing that everyone is into, and for some very good reasons.

Here are some interesting facts about our owl friends that you may or may not have known.

Owls are super smart, which is why a group of owls is called a parliament. The oldest owl is referred to as the Speaker of the House. Whenever you hear owls saying “Hoo Hoo”, this means they are taking a voice vote on an important owl issue in their area.

Owl eyes do not move in their heads because they are like an expensive pair of night-vision binoculars. This is why most people close they window shades at night before getting ready for bed.

Owl ears are not symmetric on their heads just like Stephen Colbert’s ears. This is so they can better determine where sounds are coming from, in order to find where the parties are.

In flight, owls can fly completely silently due to their stealth technology, which they eventually shared with the U.S. military aircraft industry, who then went on to share it with all of our enemies.

Owls are nocturnal, which means that when it’s hunting time, they make a “knocking” sound when it’s their “turn” to go get a snack. This is their special way of communicating with other hungry owls in order to prevent embarrassing mid-air collisions.

Just like the girl in the Exorcist, all owls can turn their heads 720 degrees which (may sound hot, but it) translates into two full head spins. They do this to attract a mate during dating season (or a date during mating season).

Finally, just like Hedwig from Harry Potter fame, every owl has a name. If you call out to an owl with its correct name, chances are you will soon have a visitor landing on your deck, who would love to listen to you talon a story.

Local Moms Gather For Nappy Hour

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imagesMoms from across the area are gathering today at 2 pm for the first ever Nappy Hour. This event consists of one hour in which moms come to take a nap. They are encouraged to bring a blanket, their pajamas, a mat, or whatever will help them get some sleep. Childcare is provided free of charge if you know someone who will provide it. The first Nappy Hour will be held today at Starbucks, corner of 7th St and 3rd Ave. Each month it will be held at a different venue.

Beatrice Witty, founder of Nappy Hour, says “I started Nappy Hour because moms are exhausted. Sometimes moms just want a mid-day nap too. And, moms are looking for excitement so I thought a different spot each month would help to encourage this. Each mom also gets their own choice of candy bar, so no need to sneak from their kids anymore.”

The next Nappy Hour is scheduled for February 3rd at the popular wine bar, The Vine. Moms are encouraged to stay after their nap for Happy Hour and can remain in their pajamas if preferred.

New Dollar Hotel Perfect For Some Budgets

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Bunk for a Buck @ The DoHo

Moorhead, MN – A new budget hotel is coming to the Fargo-Moorhead area.

The Dollar Hotel will offer basic discount luxury.

“Think of the DoHo as the hotel version of the Dollar Store”, said someone.

Each room will smartly come with a single bed.

Also provided will be an alarm clock radio, a Rubik’s cube, some unique art, and an adorable used stuffed animal.

In addition, DoHo guests will have access to a shared bathroom called the Water Closet (just like in Europe).

Looking for a nice little get-a-way? Only have a dollar? Find your way to the Dollar Hotel where their slogan is: Bunk for a Buck!

Local Man Who Dreamed He Was Flying Somehow Woke Up In Tokyo

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When in Japan, see some Sumo!

Fargo, ND – A local Fargo man who crawled into bed in Fargo at around 11:00 PM on December 29th, somehow amazingly woke up in Tokyo, Japan the next day.

Dave Cooperfeld of 243 Pinecone Place says he had a dream that night in which he was flying in a large passenger airplane. When he woke up from his long slumber, he was in Tokyo!

Experts are trying to figure out just how this could have happened. His wife, Claudia, is wondering how her husband is going to get home?

They both recall his recent Chinese fortune cookie which said: “An unexpected trip is soon at hand.” But at the time they both thought it meant a fall or tumble down the stairs.

None of the airlines show any record of Mr. Cooperfeld boarding an airplane between the time he went to bed and when he ended up in Tokyo.

Some speculate that the sleeping Mr. Cooperfeld travelled through a worm hole or a “wrinkle in time”. His wife thinks that rum was involved.

While he’s there, Mr. Cooperfeld is planning on visiting the famous Fish Market, checking out some Sumo wrestling, perhaps drinking some Hot Sake (SOCK-key), and then maybe topping it all off by singing some Karaoke (Carry-OH-key).

Area Man Injured By Falling Gas Prices

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Prices are falling everywhere.

Gas prices: falling all over the place

Fargo, ND—Local man Tarto Burstwalter is suing Phillip’s 66 after he claims he was hit by falling gas prices. The sudden drop was such a jolt that it left him paralyzed from the waist-down.

“Never saw this sharp a drop coming,” said Burstwalter from inside a hospital bed. “When the prices fell, I tried to get out of the way but couldn’t. I was hit. When I came to, I was in the hospital, couldn’t flex my ass cheeks and gas only cost two bucks.”

Burstwalter’s personal injury lawsuit against Phillip’s citing “extreme negligence” and “ass distress” is currently under review.

Looking Back On Some Of The Top Stories In 2014

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Another eventful year!

It’s the perfect time once again for a quick and final review of some of the biggest stories on the FM Observer in the last year.

From my perspective, here is the Top Ten List for 2014:

10. Blind Bowler Bowls Back-To-Back Perfect Games – Read story here

9. GM Recall Expands To Every Car Ever Made – Read story here

8. Fargo Named Drunkest City In America – Read story here

7. Fargo’s ESPN Game Day Crowd Swells To A Million – Read story here

6. North Dakota Gets Its Own NFL Team Franchise – Read story here

5. Star Trek’s USS Enterprise Coming To Fargo – Read story here

4. WE Fest Cancelled Due To Diseased Tick Invasion – Read story here

3. Moorhead Haunted House Worth Avoiding – Read story here

2. FM Observer Becomes Dominant Area News Source – Part 1  Part 2  Part 3

1. We lost Cody Marthaller, Co-Founding Father of the FM Observer – Part 1  Part 2

Happy New Year 2015 from the FM Observer! If you must drink and drive, drink water.

Drug Companies To Give Bill Cosby Lifetime Achievement Award

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Doctor of Pharmacology

Shelburne, MA – Drug Companies are planning on giving funny man Bill Cosby a lifetime achievement award.

“Never has one person used so many drugs on so many others over such a long period of time,” says Rolf Hoffman-La Roche, spokesperson for the Drug Companies Conglomeration Corporation.

Rolf goes on: “Analyzing the veritable range of drugs purportedly used by funny man Bill Cosby over the years to tranquilize others is quite impressive and shows a mastery of pharmacalogical dispensation.”

Some of the drugs allegedly found in funny man Bill Cosby’s stockpile allegedly used to relax his clients allegedly included: Clonazepam (Benzodiazepine), Rohypnol (Flunitrazepam), Xanax (Alprazolam), Dormicum (Midazolam), Restoril (Temazepam), Liquid X (GHB, Gamma-Hydroxybutyrate), Special K (Ketamine), Ambien (Zolpidem), and Mickey Finn (Chloral Hydrate).

“It’s no wonder that cappuccino tasted a little funny,” said all of the women who are now stepping forward saying that funny man Bill Cosby salaciously drugged them.

When asked how he felt about getting the Drug Companies Lifetime Achievement Award, funny man Bill Cosby’s response was: “No, we don’t answer that. There is no response. There’s no comment about this. People shouldn’t have to answer to innuendos. We don’t talk about it.”

Million Dollar Painting Found In Garage Rafters

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$1,000,000

Circus Sunday

Fargo, ND – Vern Vandegrift was lighting a cigar out in their cold, un-insulated, detached garage when he noticed something up in the frozen rafters.

It appeared to be an old dusty box.

Vern somehow got the box down from the rafters to take a peak inside.

He carefully slid a well-wrapped framed picture out of the old box and safely onto his garage workbench.

What he found himself looking at was a signed original painting by one of the most elusive French painters of all time: Jan-Panko LaPlonk.

The painting turned out to be the rarely seen “Circus Sunday” which had been lost since the mid-1800’s. Its value is estimated to be $1,000,000.

Now, Vern Vandegrift lights his cigar out in a warm, well-insulated garage. On the wall next to him hangs Jan-Panko LaPlonk’s rarely seen “Circus Sunday”.