Category Archives: News

FDA Approves Ebola Vaccine Drink: Coca-Bola

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Drink Coca-Bola!

Drink Coca-Bola!

Washington, D.C. – Amidst a rising tide of panic over the deadly ebola virus threat, the FDA has fast-tracked an experimental vaccine drink for mass public consumption.

Coca-Bola, which promises instant immunity against the horrific disease, will soon be widely available for all ages.

Individuals who don’t get the recommended daily allowance of soda in their diet are urged to drink as much of the serum as possible for maximum benefits. All other groups are advised simply, “Drink one can for every extra day you want to add to your life expectancy.”

FDA spokesperson Polly Tikker stated, “The United States government, in cooperation with the CDC, has been working nonstop to ensure the safety of our citizens against the impending armageddon of widespread ebola infection. When Coca-Cola executives stepped up and offered to join the fight for America’s health, it was a total no-brainer. Our confidence in the company was what allowed us to bypass all usual precautionary testing and just focus on saving the human race. As we say behind closed doors, when you’ve got the FDA and Coke in your corner, public health is no longer a concern.”

Since the groundbreaking formula for Coca-Bola is considered classified under the Homeland Security of Big Business Act, the FDA will not require its ingredients to be printed on labels. However, a government-sponsored ad campaign for Coca-Bola assures consumers by touting, “Drink a can of this, no bleeding orifice!” Insiders believe the slogan will be enough to erase, or at least obfuscate, any concerns about the product’s claims, side effects, or toxicity levels.

For more information, visit:
www.coca-bola.org/itsgoodforyou/sucker/oops/noreally/youcantrustus

Weeping Christ Statue Feared To Have Ebola Virus

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weeping1791Milaria, Italy—As the ebola pandemic continues to build steam, countries across the globe are showing concern. The Observer has learned that a recent discovery of a weeping-blood statue of Jesus is feared to contain the deadly infection.

A small village in Italy is in an uproar as a masterpiece statue hanging within their local church was recently seen weeping tears of red. “Gesu Di Galilea” (Jesus of Galilee), Milarian locals fear, has contracted the ebola virus.

Worshippers won’t go into or near the church for fear of catching ebola and blood-crying their own eyes out. “We make effort to stay away. Christ possessed…very deadly…infection may occur,” says local priest Mario Bamatomelli. “Why must God give infection to Christ?? Why we must live in fear of asshole blood? Gesu Di Galilea, ti prego, eliminare questo germe mortale!!“

Changing and Falling Leaves Concern EPA

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leavesEnvironmental Officer Carl Carlson watched in horror as hundreds of leaves in Munsinger Gardens in St. Cloud seemingly jumped from their branches and floated silently to the ground.

Carlson is among many Environmental Protection Agency officers studying the gruesome leaf behavior that began in mid-September. The initial shock came when certain types of trees exhibited spots of red, yellow and orange coloration. Now, as the leaves plummet to their death, the officer’s worst fear has been confirmed.

“This is without a doubt a cry for help,” Carlson said. “I’ve been researching tree behavior in central Minnesota for 20 years and I’ve never seen anything like it. Obviously, it has something to do with global warming or that darn polar vortex. Either way, it’s a man-made problem and we must do everything we can to correct it.”

While Carlson searches for the source of this problem, tree-loving citizens of St. Cloud are organizing a last-ditch effort to remedy the situation.

“We’ve asked hundreds of volunteers to grab a can of green paint, a ladder and some tape,” project leader Art Murray said. “One by one, we are going to paint these leaves green and put them back where they belong. Just yesterday we fixed an poor maple tree whose leaves turned a disgusting orange color and fell all over the ground.”

The recovery project is slow and extremely dangerous, as several volunteers have fallen from their ladders, but continues on despite the overwhelming task at hand.

“I know we are doing the right thing, but it seems like for every leaf I tape back on the tree three more fall in its place,” volunteer Tom Bombodil said. “I got involved when my oak tree got sick and turned yellow. It started spitting leaves all over my yard, and then the neighborhood kids raked them into a pile and started jumping in them like some sort of game. I’d never been so ashamed in my life.”

90-year St. Cloud resident Sven Olafson claims the leaves acted this way in the 1930’s and there is nothing to worry about, but his black and white photographs weren’t enough to convince the EPA.

“This seems like a local problem right now, but wait a couple weeks,” the EPA announced in an official statement. “We predict that soon the epidemic will spread and leaves all over the Midwest will get sick and die. While recovery projects like the one in St. Cloud are a good start, we need to find the root of this problem and fix it.”

Student Annoys Class with Runny Nose

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runny noseRoseville, MN — Students of Gretta Jurcak’s sixth period math class exchanged eye-rolls as classmate Andy Struum sniffled his runny nose for nearly an hour.

Struum’s snorting began midway through third period and continued through lunch and into his final class. As the day progressed, so did the severity of the sniffle, beginning as a tickle and evolving into a full blown gusher. By the final minutes of math, Struum was sucking up snot once every ten seconds.

“It was very distracting for both me and the students,” Jurcak said. “How am I supposed to concentrate on my lesson plan when I can see and hear the snot yo-yoing from his face?”

As Struum refused to use a Kleenex or excuse himself for a bathroom break, Jurcak’s students glared and silently cursed at their classmate.

“I thought I was going to throw up,” student Brad Cheile said. “I was sitting right in front of him and could hear him breathing through his mouth and snorting the whole time. One more minute of class and I would have turned around and told him to blow his friggen nose.”

While many students suffer from nose-blowing anxiety, fearing that they will be bullied for getting up during class to use a Kleenex, few hold out as long as Struum. Horton Jahn deals with yearly bouts of ragweed allergies, but has a system to prevent being “that guy.”

“I find a spot in the back of f the room and sniffle as quietly as possible,” Jahn said. “Then, during passing time, I blow my nose in the bathroom with one of those scratchy brown towels. That usually gets me through the first half of class, but sometimes I resort to wiping my nose with my hand or sleeve — anything to prevent actually using a Kleenex.”

Struum used none of Jahn’s tactics, making the already unpopular sixth period class an hour from hell. After the bell, Struum was kept after class and lectured by Jurcak for being so inconsiderate.

“I guess I didn’t even realize I had a runny nose,” Struum said. “I spent all day thinking about my fantasy football lineup just like very other day. Honestly, I thought people were staring at me because they were trying to read my awesome Charlie Brown t-shirt. If they wanted me to blow my nose they could have asked.”

 

New Green Shoes Designed To Lessen Carbon Footprints

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New shoes scientifically designed to save the planet

New shoes scientifically designed to save the planet

Greenspring, PA – The Federal Government, secretly working in conjunction with Algore, has designed a new Green Shoe to help lessen each person’s carbon footprints.

Here are some important facts you need to know about Algore’s New Green Shoes:

  • Scientifically designed by Algore to reduce carbon footprints
  • Guaranteed to save Planet Earth from Global Warming
  • Wearing these shoes will show you care about important issues
  • Styled for both men, women, and transexuals
  • One size fits all
  • All shoes are either made in America or China
  • No persons with Ebola have touched these shoes
  • Price per pair is $200 for Democratics and Independents
  • Price per pair is $350 for rich Republicans
  • Mandatory purchase date is January 1, 2017
  • Sign up for your pair at Healthcare.Gov to avoid stiff penalties

Fargo Man Blissfully Unaware of Terrorist Group Known As ISIS

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ISIL_ISIS_IRAQ_ISIL-Convoy_LD

non-rockers

Fargo, ND—A local man is completely oblivious to the existence of the Islamist State of Iraq and Syria, more commonly known by news media consumers as “ISIS”.

“The progressive-metal band? They wrote a few good songs I guess,” said Junto Voltgasm, when asked what his thoughts were on ISIS. “I’m more of a groove metal fan, though.” He seemed totally unaware of the Islamist terrorist organization.

When we showed him the heavily-circulated videos of ISIS sawing off the heads of those they’ve captured, he became visibly ill. He was even more sickened upon learning that ISIS drives the same brand of Toyota pickup he does.

Voltgasm expressed no desire to further his awareness of Iraq’s roving band of psycho-jihadists. “I would have been fine not knowing anything about this non-rocking version of ISIS. Why doesn’t the government just handle them behind the scenes without telling us?? I don’t need to be scared out of my pants every time I watch the news.”

Ghost Convention To Be Held In Fargo, North Dakota

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Ghost convention coming to Fargo!

Fargo, ND – Living organizers of the International Ghost Convention have just announced that the next International Ghost Convention will be held in Fargo, North Dakota on Monday night, October 31st, or as most spiritual beings call it: Halloween.

Because of the large number of ghastly ghosts expected to attend, the Fargodome has been selected to be the haunted hang-out to house all these haughty hobgoblins.

Casper the friendly ghost, along with his uncles, the Ghostly Trio, have been asked to emcee this eerie event.

This annual convening of ghosts will officially begin at eight o’clock (post meridiem) and will gho until just before sunrise on Saturday morning, November 1st, when all the attendees will be heading back to their spirit world.

Fargodome staffers will need time on Saturday morning to clean up and set up for the NDSU football game in which the Bizon will be hosting the feral jackrabbits from South Dakota State University.

Update: Any brave trick-or-treaters are invited to come and join the fun. This would be a great chance to see the ghost version of the Fargo Airshow!

Civilian Trumpet Militia Groups Now Forming In Your Area

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Do you have a horn? Would you like to blow your horn?

Do you have a horn? Would you like to blow your horn?

Anytown, USA – An exciting new grass-roots organization is now starting new chapters in your area. The Civilian Trumpet Militia is being formed in all 57 states of the USA.

If you have ever played a trumpet which might be idly resting in your basement, this is a great opportunity to get involved in something that could change the course of history and blow people’s minds.

The Trumpet Militia could be called upon at any time to: defend the country, protect our borders, quell a prison riot, or even march in a parade.

Here are some motivational quotes from our Founding Fathers who felt strongly about this subject:

Patrick Henry: “The people have a right to keep and blow trumpets. Everyone who is able might join a trumpet militia.”

Thomas Jefferson: “No free person shall ever be debarred the use of a trumpet. A strong body makes the mind strong. While a trumpet gives moderate exercise to the body, it gives boldness, enterprise and independence to the mind.”

Richard Henry Lee: “A trumpet militia, when properly formed, is in fact the people themselves and includes anyone capable of blowing a trumpet.”

James Madison: “A well regulated trumpet militia, composed of the people, trained to blow, is the best and most natural defense of a free country.”

Bags Of Money Hidden All Over The FM Area

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Look for bags of money secretly hidden throughout the Fargo/Moorhead/West Fargo area!

Fargo, ND – Have you ever dreamt of finding a bag full of money? Could you and your family use some extra cash before the holiday season rolls around? Do you like searching for hidden treasures?

An unnamed benefactor who wishes to remain anonymous (but who loves the movie Fargo) wants to hide bags of cash all around the Fargo area for some lucky beneficiaries to find.

The amounts of cash in each bag will vary, but none of them could be considered to be a small sum of money. Apparently each person who finds a bag o’ cash will be “quite surprised” to see what they’ve found.

The IRS would like to remind each winner that local, state, and federal taxes will need to be paid on these amounts just as large casino winnings are subject to taxes.

Good luck to all and hopefully you (or someone who’s in a sharing mood with you) finds one of these cleverly hidden bags of large denomination federal reserve notes.

Fargo Leaders Considering Allowing Chicken Fighting

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Chicken fighting is more popular that soccer.

Chicken fighting is more popular than soccer.

Fargo, ND – City Commissioners will soon be deciding whether or not to allow chicken fighting within city limits.

A number of residents have been pushing for the legalization of chicken fighting. They contend that world-wide, chicken fighting as a sport, is more popular than soccer.

With a growing number of people now living in Fargo who are from foreign countries where chicken fighting is as common as eggs and bacon, Fargo leaders will try to clarify existing laws as they relate to this exciting sport.

Proponents believe that chicken fighting would be a great addition to other city sports such as the Fargo Farce hockey team, the FM Roller Derby squad, and the FM Redhawks baseballers.

Residents against city-sanctioned chicken fighting argue that it is just cock-fighting with another name. They believe that dog fighting and mud wrestling would soon follow through incrementalism.

If you would like to see the Fargo City Commissioners vote YES for chicken fighting, please feel free to attend upcoming meetings, step up to the microphone and express your thoughts and opinions on this impotent matter.