Category Archives: News

Colorblind Mom Leaves Daycare With Fake Plastic Infant

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Baby aliveFargo, ND—It was supposed to be just another Wednesday afternoon for a Fargo mom. Frosha VanTinkle, a colorblind, drove to Scabby Trail Daycare like usual to pick up her infant daughter Spyler. What happened next may shock you.

What you may not realize about the colorblind is that they not only suffer great difficulty differentiating colors–they also struggle telling the difference between what is real and what is not, as evidenced in this 20th-century Conan O’Brien segment:

Unfortunately for VanTinkle, she mistook a fake plastic Baby Alive® for little Spyler. An honest mistake for a colorblind. VanTinkle fed, bathed, and clothed what she thought was her daughter until the Baby Alive ran out of battery power and died. A frenzied VanTinkle then called 911. When paramedics arrived, they facetiously informed her what she had done and she was able to retrieve the real baby Spyler from Scabby Trail Daycare.

Please remember to watch out for the colorblind. If you see a colorblind slopping down a urinal cake, simply wish it a happy birthday and be on your merry way. Thank you.

Sir Paul McCartney Coming Back To Fargo For Another Concert

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Be Right Back!

Be Right Back!

Fargo, ND – Apparently Paul McCartney enjoyed playing his music in Fargo so much, that he’s coming back for an encore concert.

“Yah, I really got a kick out of Fargo, so we decided to do it again, yah know?” he said during an exclusive interview. “But this next time around, I am going to play all different songs, and play them right-handed, just to switch things around a bit.”

His “BE RIGHT BACK” concert is “unprecedented”, says Nigel Banks, who works as a self-employed concert expert specializing in British concert tour scheduling history. “He must really like Fargo. Fargo should be quite proud of this.”

Fargodome officials are “simply delighted” that Sir Paul wants to return for another concert. “No firm dates have yet been decided upon, but we’ll figure something out! You can count on that!” tweeted the Fargodome.

Some on-the-street reactions to this big news:
“Wasn’t Paul McCartney just here last year?”
“This is some kind of joke, right?”
“Since I missed him the first time, this is very good news.”
“He is ambidextrous, too?”

Watch for further details about Sir Paul McCartney’s BE RIGHT BACK concert on your local news channels. (There is even some talk that he might be looking into buying a home in the Fargo area.)

Dr. Pepper Sued For Malpractice

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Dr. Qance Pepper, M.D.

Dr. Qance Pepper, M.D.

Dr. Pepper is headed to court.

Fargo, ND—A former patient of local necrosurgeon Dr. Qance Pepper, M.D. is suing for malpractice due to what he’s calling a botched necroplasty. The plaintiff, Sextin Growshaft, is citing “extreme negligence” among other charges.

Growshaft, having been a huge fan of the Walking Dead comic book and television series, contacted Dr. Pepper last March to see if he was a candidate for necroplasty. “I love zombies and badly wanted to become one,” said Growshaft. “Dr. Pepper was seemingly the only option. I wanted him to turn me into a decaying foot-dragging brain-chewer but as it turns out, Dr. Pepper is nothing but a fraud.”

Dr. Pepper is the area’s premiere necrosurgeon having been performing necroplasty on willing patients for over a decade. “Necroplasty is, in every case, fatal, if performed correctly,” stated Dr. Pepper. “I’ve been sued countless times for malpractice due to the deaths my successful surgeries have caused. Now, to have a customer sue me for a botched procedure….well, this one really stings.”

The Observer has learned that Dr. Pepper plans to fight the lawsuit with his wife Diet Pepper by his side.

WE Fest Cancelled Due To Massive Disease-Carrying Tick Invasion

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Save Your Spleen in 2014

Save Your Spleen in 2014

Detroit Lakes, MN – The drunkenly popular WE Fest celebration of country music at the Soo Pass Ranch has been cancelled for 2014 due to serious health concerns.

The annual outdoor music festival was scheduled for August 7-8-9 but fans will have to wait until 2015 to see their favorite country music stars, such as Travis Tritt and Brad Paisley.

Minnesota health officials have discovered a massive infestation of ticks carrying a deadly disease which causes an acute inflammation of the spleen.

Dr. Willy Nilly of the CDC: “We have never seen such a large population of dangerous ticks like this before. The lovely meadows and woods surrounding the Soo Pass Ranch near Lake Sallie are literally crawling with ticks. They may have been recently transported here by federal agents bringing illegal aliens up to this region from the Texas border. The strain of spleenitis that these ticks are carrying basically causes an infected person to bleed to death within 48 hours.”

WE Fest organizers have changed this year’s slogan from “Living The Dream in 2014” to “Save Your Spleen in 2014”. They say that “all 2014 tickets will be honored in 2015 for the exact same line-up of country music sensations, such as: Jason’s Aldean and Ashley’s Monroe.”

“If folks do want to getogether this year somewhere besides the infested Soo Pass Ranch, we will have a karaoke contest every day in the parking lot of the Detroit Lakes Walmart, which will be hosted by Scotty McCreery of American Idol fame.”

UPDATE: This post is completely fictitious (not real). WE Fest 2014 has not been cancelled.

Click here for another exciting Dr. Willy Nilly post!

Fargo Man to Keep Vacation Beard Going

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vacation-beardFargo, ND—Local resident Qace Zombytakle has returned from a shaveless vacation, and he’s found himself relatively pleased with his resulting facial hair ensemble. So much so, he’s decided to keep rockin’ it.

“I think i’m gonna just let it hang,” says Zombytakle. The presence of mandible fur has become a welcome comfort. “Beards are kinda in right now anyway. Let’s just see where this goes.”

Zombytakle has “never let it hang down this far” before, so he’s excited about what’s to come.

Friends and co-workers are abuzz with the news of Zombytakle’s decision to render stubble. “He’s always sported a mediocre jawline. Follicle neglect should compliment the pie hole nicely,” says longtime friend Bemmen Derschitzla. “I hope it doesn’t get anyone pregnant.”

 

Butterfinger Cancels “Official Candy Bar Of The Russian Army” Contract

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Butterfinger says "Nyet"

Butterfinger says “Nyet”

Geneva, Switzerland – Following the crash of Malaysian flight MH-17 over eastern Ukraine Thursday, Nestle’s Butterfinger brand has cancelled its lucrative contract with Russia’s Military as the “Official Candy Bar of the Russian Army”.

In a statement released earlier today, Nestle CEO Saul Lessman explained, “Although the details of this terrible tragedy are still unknown, Nestle and its subsidiaries have made the difficult decision to end our partnership with the Russian Military.  Our company is troubled by reports surrounding this event, and feel the Butterfinger-Army connection may be inappropriate at this time.”

Lessman was quick to quash rumors that other contracts around the world were in jeopardy.  “To our stockholders, rest assured that this incident has no bearing on Nestle’s other international partnerships.  Baby Ruth remains the “Official Pro-Life Snack” worldwide, and our Pixy Stix continue to be extremely popular as “Taliban Treats”.  Closer to home, Colorado has recently adopted Laffy Taffy as the “Official State Candy” and we are very close to a sweet deal with the Los Zetas Cartel regarding our $100,000 Grand Bar.”

After losing the coveted ISIS account to Hershey’s last month, Lessman seemed hopeful about Nestle’s future in the region. “We feel that our swift action with Butterfinger has maintained the integrity of our brand for upcoming ventures.  That’s our motto: Integrity.  Well, that and, Nobody’s Gonna Lay a Finger on my Butterfinger.”

New Species red river Valley fair

Second New Species Discovered At The Red River Valley Fair

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New Species red river Valley fairWest Fargo, ND – Yesterday, Dr. William Francis and his team discovered a new species at the Red River Valley Fair in under one hour.  Today, Mr. Francis and his team have done it again!

His expedition team was yet again at the Red River Valley Fair looking and searching for new species today.  After an exhausting day wandering around with no luck, it was after a team member needed to get a refreshment that they stumbled on yet another new species.

Meet Specvitualis Hiviest.  A rare species of the Adult Baby Kingdom.  It’s natural habitat is that of an urban setting.  They can most definitely be found in and around all baby strollers.

If you run into one of these animals, please allow them to nest in your baby stroller until animal control arrives.

red river valley fair new species

New Species Discovered At Red River Valley Fair

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red river valley fair new species

Locusslayer Solarus

West Fargo,  ND – Scientists gather to search for new species.

Yesterday evening, Dr. William Francis and his team set out on an expedition to look for a new species of human.  A mission that took two years to put together.

“We have been surveying the Red River Valley Fair for over 20 years now.  It was time to put together an expedition.”

It didn’t take Mr. Francis and his team more than one hour to discover and document a new species.

“The new species we found is called ‘Locusslayer Solarus‘.”

They describe this animal as a nocturnal creature who survives on Bud Light, Doritos, and  World of Warcraft.

“It’s habitat is that similar to a nomad.  He moves from fair to fair when not slaying beasts in World of Warecraft.”

Mr. Francis and his team caution that the Locusslayer Solarus is a wild animal and very unpredictable.  They advise on keeping your distance and to watch them from afar.

Please click the picture to get a close up. The new species is wearing the black shirt with writing on the back.

KFGO Required To Broadcast Half In Spanish

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radiotowers1PX1

Radio station HOLA

Fargo, ND – The Mighty 790 KFGO radio station will soon be required to broadcast half of its programming in Spanish.

Todas las estaciones de radio en Fargo pronto estarán obligados a proporcionar la mitad de su contenido en el idioma español.

With all the illegal aliens pouring into our country, President Obama has signed an emergency executive order to seize control of all the biggest radio stations.

Presidente Obama está tomando el control de todas las estaciones de radio de Estados Unidos y quiere que todos los extranjeros ilegales a entender lo que está pasando aquí.

All of the on-air personalities at KFGO including the entire news department will be required to become fluent in Spanish by January 1, 2017.

Todos los involucrados en los programas de radio se verá obligado a hablar español perfecto o de lo que ya no pueden estar hablando en la radio.

Thank you for your attention and have a nice day.

Este es un problema muy grave y debe ser corregido pronto.

City of Hawley to Construct Hawley-Wood Dock Of Fame

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Dock of Fame prototype

Dock of Fame prototype

Hawley, MN—Taking a page from the Hollywood textbook of glitz and glamour, the city of Hawley, Minnesota will be constructing their own living, commemorative outdoor museum entitled the Hawley-Wood Dock of Fame. A gigantic, sprawling multi-level wooden boat dock made from carvings depicting various lake-related accomplishments will be built on Silver Lake as a moving tribute to those who have attained them.

The city council sees this as a fantastic opportunity to attract tourism to Hawley. Statewide fishing records and various water sport records will adorn the magnificent dock that officials hope will turn into the Hollywood Walk of Fame of the North.

Hawley Mayor Thamis Gwayrod shared his enthusiasm. “People from miles around will come see our soon-to-be historic Dock of Fame. State records like Biggest Bass, Largest Lake Trout, Wildest Walleye, Meatiest Muskie, Nastiest Northern, Highest Water Ski Jump and Most Consecutive Wakeboard Flips will all adorn our proud dock. If you build it, they will come and with a name like Hawley-Wood, who could say no?”

City officials are now taking applications from all who would like to lend their woodcarving talents to this wondrous memorial. Construction is set to begin in August.