Local

Dirty Cows Distrupt Traffic
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Dirty Cows Distrupt Traffic

June 6th, 2012 | by Bill Burns
Fargo, ND – Exhibitionist cows brought traffic to a grinding halt on Co Rd 17 in Fargo earlier this morning.  A pair of bovines were caught “doing the dirty” in the middle of the road the highway patrol stated....
Dead Morbidly Obese Arsonist Torches Crematorium
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Dead Morbidly Obese Arsonist Torches Crematorium

June 6th, 2012 | by Nick
Graz, Austria – A gigantic 440-lb hunk of dead & smoldering fatty tissue was the cause of a fiery inferno at a Graz, Austria crematorium yesterday. The Observer wondered at first why a beached whale would be brought to...
Burglar Breaks Into Sunset Lanes In Moorhead.  Doesn’t Find Shit.
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Burglar Breaks Into Sunset Lanes In Moorhead. Doesn’t Find Shit.

June 4th, 2012 | by Bill Burns
Moorhead, MN – Moorhead police would like your help in catching one dumb fucking criminal who broke into Sunset Lanes around 2 a.m. Sunday.  Police say he forced a door open to find a shit load of used bowling balls....
I Was Gonna Take My Baby Off The Roof Of My Car……But Then I Got High.
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I Was Gonna Take My Baby Off The Roof Of My Car……But Then I Got High.

June 4th, 2012 | by Bill Burns
Phoenix, AZ – Some shocking news this past week.  Catalina Clouser, 19, is facing driving and child abuse charges after her one-month-old baby fell off the roof of her car while driving away, forgetting she had put the...
Cannibals Anonymous Group Therapy At Hilton Garden Inn
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Cannibals Anonymous Group Therapy At Hilton Garden Inn

June 1st, 2012 | by Nick
Fargo, ND – Due to a widespread craving for human flesh causing concern that a zombie apocalypse is right around the corner, the Observer has decided to hold open workgroup sessions to help cannibals deal with their...
Crookston Bishop To Host Prayer Service Sunday For American Crystal Workers Dispute
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Crookston Bishop To Host Prayer Service Sunday For American Crystal Workers Dispute

May 31st, 2012 | by Bill Burns
Crookston, MN – Bishop Michael Hoeppner, head of the Catholic Diocese of Crookston is coming to the rescue.  Bishop Michael has stated that he has seen the destruction and carnage strikes and disputes can cause....
ZOMBIE SIGHTING IN WEST FARGO
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ZOMBIE SIGHTING IN WEST FARGO

May 27th, 2012 | by Nick
West Fargo, ND – The Observer is fearful to report that early Sunday morning at around 3 a.m., a zombie was spotted foot-dragging alongside Interstate 94 in West Fargo. This reporter is absolutely certain that this was,...
Minnesota Couple Marry In Cemetery
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Minnesota Couple Marry In Cemetery

May 22nd, 2012 | by Bill Burns
AUSTIN, Minn – How do you gain the brides deceased parents respect in the non creepiest way possible? Get married by their graves in a cemetery of course! In an unconventional wedding ceremony, Diane Waller and Randy...
Red River Now Considered “Less Dickish”
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Red River Now Considered “Less Dickish”

May 17th, 2012 | by Bill Burns
West Fargo, ND – In a weird turn of events, locals have started praising the Red River and now consider it “Less Dickish.”  Last month we reported people to be calling the Red River a dick head and even tried...
UPDATE: Super AIDS reign of terror showing no signs of stopping
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UPDATE: Super AIDS reign of terror showing no signs of stopping

May 16th, 2012 | by Nick
Fargo, ND – With its tiny but deadly hands held firmly at the throat of our quiet community, the Super AIDS virus continues its unrelenting reign of terror on the home front. Human bodies are still being violently...