Category Archives: Sports

Washington Redskins

Washington Redskins Name Change Contest

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redskinsPX1Washington, DC – Well, it looks like the home of Political Correctness is about to get a dose of its own medicine.

The name Washington Redskins, which goes back to 1937, has now become the latest target of easily-offended language censors. What was just another famous name of a loved professional sports team has now become derogatory and racist, according to some D.C. Council members.

If the name is going to be changed, some fans are advocating keeping the “Red” and changing the “Skins”. Some of the top choices in this group are, the Washington: RedNecks, Red Meats, Red Hots, Red Eyes, Red Peppers, Red Wines, and Red Apples.

For those who would rather see the “Red” changed and keep the “Skins”, the Washington: Pigskins, Sheepskins, Buckskins, Foreskins, Coonskins and Deerskins.

Finally, there is a third group wanting the new name to still begin with “Red” and have the word “Skins”, such as the: Washington Red Skinheads, or Washington Red Potato Skins.

D.C. Council member David Grosso would love to hear from you on this issue. Feel free to call him at 202-724-8105, or you can email him at dgrosso@dccouncil.us

You can also contact either:

Muriel Bowser at 202-724-8052 (mbowser@dccouncil.us) or

Kenyan McDuffie at 202-724-8028 (kmcduffie@dccouncil.us)

who are both totally down with David’s idea of making a name change.

Let any of these fine public servants know which name you would favor as the new politically correct name for the offensive Washington Redskins. If the name you vote for is picked, you may qualify to win season tickets to see the Washington Rednecks, or perhaps the Washington Coonskins!

Slowpitch Softball Guy

Friendly Reminders For The Professional Recreational Slowpitch Softball Guy

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Slowpitch Softball GuySoftball season is upon us.  That means run-ins with softball guy.  You know, the guy who tries too hard playing in recreational adult slowpitch softball leagues.  The guy who takes things WAY too seriously.  The guy who thinks he is one hit away from getting signed professionally.

 

 

Here are some friendly reminders for that Professional Recreational Slowpitch Softball Guy

1.  It’s just a game.

2.  You are not Babe Ruth.

3.  There are no scouts in the bleachers looking to recruit you.

4.  You do not play for the Twins nor are they interested in you.

5.  There is no need to own more than 5 bats.

6.  It is unnecessary to argue with the umpire after every play.  You’re just an asshole.

7.  Your teammates do not appreciate your constant ‘advice’ and ‘tips’.

8.  There IS more to life than recreational softball.

9.  Practicing in a batting cage 5 months before softball season is a waste of time and money.

10.  If playing co-ed, it’s kind of a dick move running over the female catcher so you can score.

11.  Just because you’re team captain doesn’t mean you get to play every minute of the game, play any position you want, and put yourself in the batting order 6 times.

12.  Your teammates don’t appreciate the 11 p.m phone call the night before a game asking them if they are psyched for tomorrow.

13.  Playing on 5 different softball teams is a bit much.

14.  It should not take you anymore than 6 seconds to get ready at the plate. It’s slow pitch softball.  Keyword: SLOW

15.  Stepping away from the plate after already spending 10 seconds getting ready so you have even more time to get ready to hit the ball is FORBIDDEN.

16.  It’s considered weird if you have 5 years of softball statistics saved.  Even weirder if you frame them.

17.  Don’t get pissed if your teammate decides to not kill himself by diving halfway over the fence to spoil a home run.

18. Don’t forget to bring a towel!

19.  It’s not ok to grunt after every swing.  It makes people wonder if there is something wrong with you (which there probably is).

20.  It’s not ok to fight the other team.

21.  Purposely taking walks is not cool.  Swing the bat there, Babe Ruth.

22.  If you literally look like a professional baseball player (eye paint, pants, 2 gloves, shirt, socks, arm bands, full blown under armor gear under your clothes, etc….), you’re out there for the wrong reasons and should just put the bat down and go home.

 

If you ever do run into ‘softball guy’ just simply ask them one question and one question only, “Why don’t you go pro?”

Peyton Manning to Tim Tebow: “Cut That Meat!”

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Peyton ManningNew York, NY – As many in the NFL landscape are being made aware today, the New York Jets have finally released freed the chosen one, Tim Tebow. Tebow, upon hearing the news of his release, had this to say:

“I’m always interested in helping the team win in any way that I can. If it’s not for the Jets, maybe it will be with Whole Foods. I hear they have a thriving deli department these days and it would be an honor to join their system.”

Peyton Manning, having been the first veteran to supplant the Chosen One after being signed by Denver, was surprisingly available for comment:

“I wish Timmy all the best in his new endeavors as deli meat handler. CUT THAT MEAT! CUT THAT MEAT! Haha! No, seriously, Tim. Great job last year during those few snaps. We’ll be cheering for you, bud.”

Manning then proceeded to kneel down while placing his fist on his forehead in a sort of mocking gesture to the celebration of “Tebowing”. The official announcement and press conference is scheduled for 3 p.m. EST.

March Madness 2013

One Thing About March Madness That Annoys Me

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March Madness 2013Dunks.

Dunks you say?  Yes dunks.  A lot of these dunks I’ve seen while watching March Madness have left me shaking my head at times.

Everytime someone dunks the crowd oozes in excitement and the teams bench goes crazy.  Some guy dunks and the crowd goes, “ohhhhhhhh nah he didn’t.”  Oh..oh he did.

Why would dunks annoy you you ask?  Well, because the dude is usually 6ft 8.  All they need to do is hop and they pretty much dunk it.  Trip?  It’s a dunk.  Accidental sneeze?  Slam flying dunk.  You ever play basketball with your little niece or nephews or whatnot where everyone is shorter then you?  Well that’s pretty much these guys.  I can dunk.  I can school every little kid at basketball any time I want I’m that good.  I’ll dunk over them any day of the week.  They got NOTHING on me.

Basically these centers are just tall and stand there quite a bit.  Here is how the recruitment process goes.  “Hey you’re really tall.  Would you like a college scholarship to be tall and hop dunk some balls in?  Yes?  Greeeeaaaaat.”

If I see someone that is 6ft 3 or under dunk it then I’m impressed.  Anyone else, you’re that guy playing the nieces and nephews.  Do your dunk and slowly jog on over to the other side of the court there buddy.  They need your blocking ability.  Or just your large human mass to stand there with your hands up.

NASCAR to Implement Performance Enhancing Chemical Testing

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Juicing?

Juicing?

Charlotte, NC – Our sporting era is one of constant concern and worry stemming from PED use and the speculation regarding which athlete is cheating and which isn’t. With only one out of the big 3 professional sports organizations (MLB) currently conducting a sensible PED testing program, the use of chemical supplements is thought to be at an all-time high.

This has NASCAR executives worried. Worried not so much about the drivers, but of the cars themselves. Basically, the nation as a whole is very curious as to why Jimmie Johnson finishes in the top five, like, all the time, so NASCAR fans and executives alike have been pushing to implement vehicle Performance-Enhancing Chemical (PEC) testing.

Now that NASCAR has developed what they call a “mission-appropriate testing system that won’t disrupt the flow of races too much”, the in-race screening will take place effective immediately. PEC testing will happen only during races, completely at random, as a means to bust illegally juiced-up cars.

Each pit crew will contain a NASCAR official who will execute quick and efficient PEC tests on vehicles during pit stops. He or she will test for helium in the tires, Red Bull in the fuel tank, SuperCOOL engine coolant, galvanized-lithium lugnuts, etc.

The PEC official will be aggressively pursuing these performance enhancers and many others—all of which are both highly effective and highly illegal. Any vehicle that is caught “juicing” will be handed down a swift punishment that is likely to involve driver suspension.

NASCAR hopes this will level the playing field for all the drivers and their respective vehicles. We will see if Jimmie Johnson is just that good or if his Lowe’s #48 has been crushing PECs.

LEAKED: Jim Harbaugh text message conversation with John Harbaugh!

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As i’m sure everyone is aware, the two head coaching brothers John and Jim Harbaugh will be leading their respective teams against each other in the Super Bowl this February 3rd. They have been a competitive pair of siblings ever since their childhood days and judging from past performance, their blood runs hot with the desire to win.

As reported by CBS Baltimore, the two brothers have been exchanging only text messages prior to the big game. Upon hearing this news, I became unnaturally curious as to what was being said so I did what any aggressively curious person would: I decided to magically obtain a hacked text message conversation between the two brothers. The following is a transcript of Jim texting on the right (green) with John replying on the left (grey):

Xv9AlLBoUXdK10-OJHvLN7Sl-dqe7-C77URmcKGLolU

FK3g3Nxu-GqQA0SNXTAsOVG76Q4iSJasAbuZfLVrVAY

 

It would appear we have quite the sibling rivalry on our hands here! What better way to finally prove who is the better brother than beating him in the Super Bowl. This rivalry is sure to escalate over the coming days as the Har-Bowl gets closer. We will keep you updated.

Jamaal Franklin of San Diego State Says He Isn’t a Ball Hog.

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Jamaal Franklin Passes To Himself and Then Dunks It

Jamaal Franklin, a 6-5 guard at San Diego State got a score and an assist from the same dunk.  This all happened because ball hog Jamaal passed to himself via bouncing it off the backboard and then proceeds to dunk it.  San Diego State went on to beat Fresno State by 65-62.

Some people are talking about dunk of the year.  I say ‘No way man!’  Although cool, this man should be awarded the BALL HOG OF THE YEAR award.

I’m not a ball hog. Not one bit. People pass to themselves all the time. Everyone wasn’t paying attention during this play. Actually nobody pays attention during any game and it just happens to be me having the ball at all times.  I’m not a ball hog brah. ~ Jamaal Franklin

 

NDSU Bison scared Sam Houston

Sam Houston Having Nightmares About Bison

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NDSUBisonPM1

Bison-itis

Huntsville, TX – The Sam Houston BearKat football players are not sleeping well these days. After their nationally televised 39-13 humiliation by the North Dakota State University Bison, many of their squad members are reporting being haunted by recurring bad dreams. These nightly nightmares involve being chased by a large group of angry, stampeding bison.

Losing two consecutive national championships to the same team is apparently taking its toll. It’s now being referred to as “Bisonitis”.

The Sam Houston University school nurse says she’s never seen anything like it. “These boys are really messed up” says Nurse Ratchit.

Some of the players, who wished to maintain total anonymity, expressed their desire to never have to play the Bison again. One player said: “Just imagine, having a recurring dream about being stampeded, by a herd of angry buffalo.” The girlfriend of another player sadly confided: “My boyfriend, who plays on the BearKat football team, is no longer the same person that he used to be before their big loss.”

And it’s not just the football players that are affected, but also the coaches, some university teachers, and the general SHU student body. The head of the psychology department thinks they might need to bus in counselors to their campus that have special training in sports-related mental trauma.

Bison VS Sam Houston State FCS Championship

Thousands of NDSU Fans Lost In Frisco Texas

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Bison VS Sam Houston State FCS ChampionshipFargo, ND – On the horizon lays North Dakota State’s attempt at an FCS championship three-peat.

Thousands of Bison fans have flocked to Frisco Texas the past few days via trains, plains, automobiles, boats, snowmobiles, 4 wheelers, bus, and fighter jets.  But, there is one thing someone forgot to bring: directions.

All bison fans who have already arrived have been roaming the streets of Frisco, Texas completely lost and confused.

Our reporter on scene stated, “The streets of Frisco are complete madness right now!  People covered in Bison gear head-to-toe are wandering and stumbling around the entire town.  They appear to be drunk and asking anyone they can where the game is.  Some have been seen running with their shirts off yelling that it’s so hot out.”

Apparently nobody remembered to bring directions and they are too drunk by this point to either look them up on their phone or find a computer.

Our reporter reached an NDSU fan for comment, “Ohh  oh yeah!  Bissson baby!  Hey, yeah hey you, you know where, where the game is even at?  Because I, I don’t, don’t know.  Would you like a beer?”  He then continued to stumble around looking for the “stadium.”

Our reporter did indeed give a couple sober fans directions so you can rest assured the stadium will be filled with green and gold tomorrow.

So, when you’re watching the game tomorrow, thank the FM Observer for getting all our fans there.