Births

Searie Challacher, Horace, gave birth to son Crogo, Cliff’s Birthin’ Shed, Friday, August 1st

Bavie & Sheppy Blucknob, both Moorhead, gave birth to daughter Iel, Cliff’s Birthin’ Shed, Saturday, August 2nd

Toi Letwaters & Trabin Pepp, Fargo, gave birth to daughter Laith in their kitchen, Wednesday, August 6th

Yertsi & Ænas Gulpmurk, Fargo, gave birth to son Hignus, Pete’s Placenta Palace, Friday, August 8th

Pappen Tagblood-Mambalry, Mapleton, gave birth to daughter Sprax while en route to bingo, Monday, August 11th

Mibla & Baggz Van GaFonk, West Fargo, gave birth to son Deej, Larry’s Labor Lounge, Wednesday, August 13th

Whai & Glorver Stinkhooks, both Harwood, gave birth to son Ribber, Sunrise Day Care, Thursday, August 14th

Congratulations, all!

New Detroit Mountain Recreation Area Offers Fun For Everyone

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Hopefully the new Detroit Mountain Recreation Area will get some snow despite Global Warming.

Detroit Lakes, MN – The New Detroit Mountain Recreation Area is well on track for its big grand re-opening this month.

This brand new four-season fun park will offer a wide range of great activities and challenges for all ages.

Skiers and snowboarders will have their hands full with two Black Diamond runs that would give Franz Klammer a run for his money.

The Rental Shoppe will include everything from snow skis to snowboards to Go-Pro cameras to record your thrilling adventures.

Kids can race down the Bunny Hill along side Elmo and all their other favorite Sesame Street characters.

The Viking Lodge will have multiple large flat-screen TVs showing past and present Minnesota Vikings football games, including their four Super Bowl losses.

Double-decker shuttle buses will be continuously running from Detroit Mountain to the local Walmart store for easy shopping, to the Shooting Star Casino for easy gambling, and to the local hospital for easy repairs.

If you would like to join the sexy all-volunteer Ski Patrol Team, please email Tony at Detroit Mountain and include a YouTube link of yourself successfully negotiating any Black Diamond ski run.

Obama Administration Approves Keystone Light Pipeline

Keystone Light PipelineWashington, DC—The Observer has learned that after months and months of careful consideration, President Obama has approved the final piece of the Keystone Light® pipeline. The proposed “phase 4” development, which will complete the structure and pump buttloads of Keystone Light® to homes across the midwest and Canada, has officially been given the go-ahead.

“This state-of-the-art liquid transport implementation is fully permitted to move forward,” the White House stated during their morning press conference.

FewFeetFromIt would appear that the Obama Administration is ruling in favor of the smooth-but-never-bitter flavor of Keystone Light® over the sensitive natural resources in Kansas impacted by the pipeline infrastructure.

Locals across the midwest are gearing up for Keystone Light®’s arrival. Fargo resident Coll Prushpeed is excited to re-purpose his countertop keg tap once the Keystone Light® goes live. “I use this to dispense beer from my fridge but hey, comin’ out of the wall pretty soon,” exclaimed Prushpeed.

Coors Brewing Company© estimates that Keystone Light® will begin flowing through your pipes as early as fall 2016.

West Fargo Police

Man Arrested For Saying “Dude” and “Man” Excessively.

West Fargo PoliceWest Fargo, ND – Bill Hennesy, 32, was arrested Saturday evening for excessive use of the word “dude” and “man”.

Police are reporting that patrons at Bar Nine in West Fargo heard Mr. Hennesy say dude and man in nearly every sentence. One bar patron counted the two words being used a total of 40 times in 3 minutes. After nearly two hours of countless dudes and mans, a couple sitting next to them had enough and called police.

Mr. Hennesy was arrested and released on $1000 bond for excessive use of the word dude and man.

Upon release he stated, “Oh my god dude! Man! What the hell? This is totally bogus dude. Oh my god man I’m totally going to fight this charge dude.”

Arby’s of Fargo North Dakota Found To Be Hiding Life’s Secrets

arbys-logoFargo,  ND – Arby’s on 42nd ST in Fargo North Dakota has been discovered to be hiding life’s greatest secrets.

After years and years of visiting Arby’s restaurant for luch,  Janet Soviet began noticing that the employees working there were always ridiculously happy.  Not just on this particular day, but everyday. This prompted Janet to reach out to friends and family asking them if they had similar experiences. With no luck, Janet contacted the Fargo police department. The Fargo police department had just written enough traffic tickets for the month and was more than happy to help.

Jay Derp of the Fargo Police Department, went undercover for two weeks.  He visited the Arby’s store on 42nd Street a total of five times. With every visit, officer Derp was able to gather more and more intel. With enough evidence, Derp was able to acquire a search warrant and searched the business residence later this afternoon. What Derp found was remarkable.

Police records state that the officers upon searching the residence, found a large entrance that leads to an underground bunker of some sort. A discovery that will change the history of mankind forever.

Fargo police searched the underground bunker and state that they may have made the biggest discovery in human existence. One such secret found was that Santa Clause is actually Chinese.

Police will not go into full detail due to the ongoing investigation but state that this is one of the biggest, greatest, most important discoveries ever.

We will report more once new information becomes available.

Fargo Man Often Mistaken For 16th U.S. President

Fargo man often mistaken for Abraham Lincoln.

Fargo man often mistaken for Abraham Lincoln.

Fargo, ND – A local Fargo man often gets told he looks a lot like someone else.

Mr. Gilmore Rawls, a long-time resident of Fargo, bears an uncanny similarity to President Abraham Lincoln, who lived about 150 years ago.

When asked if he ever gets requests for an autograph, Mr. Rawls says “Oh yes, all the time!” And then he proceeds to write out “Gilmore Rawls” using an old ink pen he made from an eagle feather.

“If I had a dollar for every autograph I’ve signed over the years, it probably would have been enough to pay my way through law school, which was always a dream of mine.”

Gilmore Rawls’ family originated from the Kentucky area, also similar to Abe Lincoln.

After moving to Fargo, Gilmore worked at the post office and also as a county surveyor. “I was also pretty good with an axe, and have made many a fence in my days”, he added.

These days, he likes to spend most of his time reading history books by the light of his old stone fireplace.

On whether or not he’s seen the recent movie about President Lincoln, Gilmore said: “I’m not really a movie-going person. If anything, I like to go see a good play at the local community theater.”

West Fargo Imposes Total Watering Ban Due To Global Drying

Watering no longer allowed in West Fargo

Watering no longer allowed in West Fargo

West Fargo, ND – The City of West Fargo is now implementing a total ban on watering for at least the remainder of this summer.

The fastest growing city between Chicago and Hiroshima has decided to impose a complete watering ban because its earlier even/odd restrictions were not being followed.

The normal guidelines allow for even/odd numbered homes to water on even/odd numbered days between the hours of 6PM and 10AM.

The total watering ban was unanimously voted on by the City Commission.

The cities of Fargo and Moorhead are seriously considering doing the same thing.

Climatological data suggests that we are entering a period of Global Drying which may last for the next 10-30 years.

West Fargo residents who are caught watering their yards will first be given a $500 warning.

Second violations would receive a $1,000 fine along with confiscation of all sprinklers and hoses.

The faces of residents who violate the watering ban will also be shown on the “Water Glutton” board which will be largely displayed at the intersection of Main and Sheyenne streets.

NFL to Allow Teams to Use 12 Offensive Players At A Time

American_Football_Positions2New York, NY—In an ongoing measure to protect the quarterback and reduce the amount of on-field concussions, the NFL is giving its offenses a huge advantage by allowing them to use 12 players as opposed to the defense’s 11.

The change, it seems, is meant to provide the QB with an extra blocker to make the pocket safer, but the new rule does not state that a team must deploy a lineman. “I hope–HOPE–that teams will utilize the 12th player as a 6th offensive lineman, but hey, i’m not in the locker room…i’m not in the huddle,” says NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. This means teams can get creative by adding either an extra position player or simply letting movie badass Vin Diesel roam the field freely in an “enforcer” type of role.

This move serves as a way to give both fans and the league what they want: more Vin Diesel and less player health lawsuits. “Being hit with lawsuits sucks. Have you ever been hit with a lawsuit? That shit hurts,” remarked NFL spokesman Greg Aiello. “Big Government is going to send us to the hospital if the lawsuits keep collectively kicking our ass. Come on, man. We just want to give the fans football. And Vin Diesel.”

Births

Plista and Gagg Maxbung, Moorhead, gave birth to daughter Xindlaa, Cliff’s Birthin’ Shed, Saturday, July 5th

Keet Paliograph and Whackite Chlomsburger, both Fargo, gave birth to daughter Knat, Cliff’s Birthin’ Shed, Thursday, July 10th

Koryl Jynn Twixeat, Fargo, gave birth to son Diddio, Larry’s Labor Lounge, Wednesday, July 16th

Lazza and Gayton Toesmasher, Fargo, gave birth to son Back, Larry’s Labor Lounge, Thursday, July 24th

Hixy Blowflash and Floper Dunksted, both Fargo, gave birth to daughter Zwirla, Cliff’s Birthin’ Shed, Friday, July 25th

Ketcha and Tomby Scabblick, West Fargo, gave birth to son Joz, Larry’s Labor Lounge, Monday, July 28th

Kula RePaParker and Zemp Clobberchopp, both Fargo, gave birth to son Durt, Cliff’s Birthin’ Shed, Thursday, July 31st

Congratulations, all!