Janet Reno Named New Vikings Special Teams Coach

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Proud to be a Viking!

Proud to be a Viking!

Mankato, MN – Former Attorney General Janet Reno has been named the new Special Teams coach for the Minnesota Vikings.

Just as she was the first woman to serve as the United States Attorney General, she will also be the first woman to serve as a coach in the NFL.

“If I can catch and convict the Unabomber, I can coach a few punters and kickers” she was quoted as saying during a formal press conference.

The talk around the league is that Janet Reno will be a great fit for the struggling Vikings.

The Vikings have had recent trouble with their Special Teams coordinator Mike Priefer, leading to likely litigious activity from former punter Chris Kluwe.

An unknown Vikings spokesperson said: “If anyone can handle litigation, it’s Janet Fracking Reno!”

National Football League: NFC NORTH PREVIEW

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VIKINGS – With training camp and the NFL preseason in full swing, the National Football League Vikings of Minnesota are looking poised for a breakout 2014 season. The Observer predicts that the Purple People Eaters will eek out a Wild Card playoff berth via contributions from (soon-to-be) starting QB Teddy Bridgewater, All-Day AP and emerging WR Cordarrelle Patterson. This would be a major improvement over 2013’s lackluster effort. Since Brett Favre (sadly) isn’t walking through that door ever again, we’ll have to settle for 9-7, meaning a 3rd place finish in the NFC North.

 

 

 

PACKERS – The Packers are still loaded even after completely re-working their defensive secondary. The green and gold will squash the Purple Pride of Minnesota twice this year and end up sweeping their division with help from the Discount Double-Check and players like Eddie Lacy and the best name in the league, HaHa Clinton-Dix. 12-4 will earn them 1st place in the North and a potential first-round playoff bye.

 

 

 

 

 

BEARS – Chicago being a tough-guy town and all, the Bears will contend for 2nd place in their division with help from Brandon Marshall’s caught gunslings via the Cutler rifle. Check out Brandon and Jay’s on-field chemistry, not to mention poor body language. Urlacher didn’t un-retire and the secondary is patchwork, so the defense will be suspect. However, 10-6 will land them a surefire Wild Card playoff berth and 2nd place in the NFC North.

 

 

LIONS – Ah, Detroit. If an entire city declaring bankruptcy is considered a bad omen, the Motor City Kitties will be cellar dwellers yet again this season. MEGATRON (Calvin Johnson) is a robot and the richest receiver in history, making him a double-threat that could snag up to 20 Matt Stafford TD throws. Will that be enough to keep the Lions competitive? I doubt it. Detroit will finish 5-11 this year—dead last in the Black & Blue Division.

Fun season upcoming for the National Football North division of the NFC. We couldn’t be more excited for on-the-field slaughter.

Dr. Willy Nilly Discusses Living With Phlebitis

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When phlebes bite us, you have phlebitis

When phlebes bite us, you have phlebitis

Fargo, ND – Dr. Willy Nilly MD is an expert in disease-carrying ticks as we have recently seen.

The FMO’s doctor friend would now also like to share some tips and tricks for folks who suffer from phlebitis.

FMO: Dr. Willy Nilly, what is phlebitis and how did it get its name?

DWN: First, my heart goes out to anyone who has phlebitis, which is painful blood clotting in the legs. The name comes from an early belief that a small phlebe would actually “bite us” thus causing the pain in the lower extremities. It was later learned that the lower leg pain comes from an inflammation of the phlebes, which is one of my particular areas of specialty.

FMO: What about trombone-phlebitis?

DWN: Trombone players are especially susceptible to phlebitis because of the amount of air pressure required to fill their long horn tubes.

FMO: What tips and tricks can you share for phlebitis sufferers?

DWN: After a half century of focused study, my advice would be:
1. Stop taking the pill (unless it’s asspirin).
2. Wear special support stockings.
3. Walk instead of drive or fly to your destination.
4. Don’t smoke cigarettes in bed.
5. Do as many jumping jacks as possible 3 times a day.
6. Do a head-stand while watching TV.
7. Attend local Phlebitis Support Groups for the latest information.

If you have phlebitis and would like Dr. Willy Nilly and his staff to visit you at your home, simply dial 1-800-WILL-NILL. Please leave a detailed message describing your problem and any other pertinent information that might help Dr. Willy Nilly help you.

North Dakota Gets 1 Of 8 Newly Added NFL Teams

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The North Dakota Frackers Football Team

The North Dakota Frackers Football Team

Bismarck, ND – North Dakota is excited by the NFL’s announcement that it has landed one of eight new team franchises. The latest NFL expansion is adding one team to each of its eight divisions.

The North Dakota Frackers are being added to the NFC North Division in which you find the Minnesota Vikings and the Green Bay Packers. Vikings QB Christian Ponder stated that: “Now it’s going to be just that much more difficult to win the Super Bowl.”

Each new team costs about one billion dollars to purchase. The North Dakota legislature voted to use $1.1 Billion from its oil money Legacy Fund for this special purpose.

Other teams being added to the National Football League include the: London Broils, Montana Unibombers, Alaskan Mushers, Hawaiian Alohas, Arkansas Hillbillies, Iowa Corn Cobs, and the Mexican Amigos.

A top North Dakota official said: “On the record, this is very exciting news for North Dakota to finally have its very own NFL team. Off the record, we have a lot of work to do to make this work: Cheerleaders try-outs, team logo selection, location of the official stadium, not to mention the entire coaching staff, plus all the players. Right now, we have no football players on our team, but that’s OK, because we do have the North Dakota Frackers! Our goal is to win a Super Bowl before the Vikings do.”

Colorblind Mom Leaves Daycare With Fake Plastic Infant

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Baby aliveFargo, ND—It was supposed to be just another Wednesday afternoon for a Fargo mom. Frosha VanTinkle, a colorblind, drove to Scabby Trail Daycare like usual to pick up her infant daughter Spyler. What happened next may shock you.

What you may not realize about the colorblind is that they not only suffer great difficulty differentiating colors–they also struggle telling the difference between what is real and what is not, as evidenced in this 20th-century Conan O’Brien segment:

Unfortunately for VanTinkle, she mistook a fake plastic Baby Alive® for little Spyler. An honest mistake for a colorblind. VanTinkle fed, bathed, and clothed what she thought was her daughter until the Baby Alive ran out of battery power and died. A frenzied VanTinkle then called 911. When paramedics arrived, they facetiously informed her what she had done and she was able to retrieve the real baby Spyler from Scabby Trail Daycare.

Please remember to watch out for the colorblind. If you see a colorblind slopping down a urinal cake, simply wish it a happy birthday and be on your merry way. Thank you.

Sir Paul McCartney Coming Back To Fargo For Another Concert

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Be Right Back!

Be Right Back!

Fargo, ND – Apparently Paul McCartney enjoyed playing his music in Fargo so much, that he’s coming back for an encore concert.

“Yah, I really got a kick out of Fargo, so we decided to do it again, yah know?” he said during an exclusive interview. “But this next time around, I am going to play all different songs, and play them right-handed, just to switch things around a bit.”

His “BE RIGHT BACK” concert is “unprecedented”, says Nigel Banks, who works as a self-employed concert expert specializing in British concert tour scheduling history. “He must really like Fargo. Fargo should be quite proud of this.”

Fargodome officials are “simply delighted” that Sir Paul wants to return for another concert. “No firm dates have yet been decided upon, but we’ll figure something out! You can count on that!” tweeted the Fargodome.

Some on-the-street reactions to this big news:
“Wasn’t Paul McCartney just here last year?”
“This is some kind of joke, right?”
“Since I missed him the first time, this is very good news.”
“He is ambidextrous, too?”

Watch for further details about Sir Paul McCartney’s BE RIGHT BACK concert on your local news channels. (There is even some talk that he might be looking into buying a home in the Fargo area.)

Dr. Pepper Sued For Malpractice

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Dr. Qance Pepper, M.D.

Dr. Qance Pepper, M.D.

Dr. Pepper is headed to court.

Fargo, ND—A former patient of local necrosurgeon Dr. Qance Pepper, M.D. is suing for malpractice due to what he’s calling a botched necroplasty. The plaintiff, Sextin Growshaft, is citing “extreme negligence” among other charges.

Growshaft, having been a huge fan of the Walking Dead comic book and television series, contacted Dr. Pepper last March to see if he was a candidate for necroplasty. “I love zombies and badly wanted to become one,” said Growshaft. “Dr. Pepper was seemingly the only option. I wanted him to turn me into a decaying foot-dragging brain-chewer but as it turns out, Dr. Pepper is nothing but a fraud.”

Dr. Pepper is the area’s premiere necrosurgeon having been performing necroplasty on willing patients for over a decade. “Necroplasty is, in every case, fatal, if performed correctly,” stated Dr. Pepper. “I’ve been sued countless times for malpractice due to the deaths my successful surgeries have caused. Now, to have a customer sue me for a botched procedure….well, this one really stings.”

The Observer has learned that Dr. Pepper plans to fight the lawsuit with his wife Diet Pepper by his side.

WE Fest Cancelled Due To Massive Disease-Carrying Tick Invasion

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Save Your Spleen in 2014

Save Your Spleen in 2014

Detroit Lakes, MN – The drunkenly popular WE Fest celebration of country music at the Soo Pass Ranch has been cancelled for 2014 due to serious health concerns.

The annual outdoor music festival was scheduled for August 7-8-9 but fans will have to wait until 2015 to see their favorite country music stars, such as Travis Tritt and Brad Paisley.

Minnesota health officials have discovered a massive infestation of ticks carrying a deadly disease which causes an acute inflammation of the spleen.

Dr. Willy Nilly of the CDC: “We have never seen such a large population of dangerous ticks like this before. The lovely meadows and woods surrounding the Soo Pass Ranch near Lake Sallie are literally crawling with ticks. They may have been recently transported here by federal agents bringing illegal aliens up to this region from the Texas border. The strain of spleenitis that these ticks are carrying basically causes an infected person to bleed to death within 48 hours.”

WE Fest organizers have changed this year’s slogan from “Living The Dream in 2014” to “Save Your Spleen in 2014”. They say that “all 2014 tickets will be honored in 2015 for the exact same line-up of country music sensations, such as: Jason’s Aldean and Ashley’s Monroe.”

“If folks do want to getogether this year somewhere besides the infested Soo Pass Ranch, we will have a karaoke contest every day in the parking lot of the Detroit Lakes Walmart, which will be hosted by Scotty McCreery of American Idol fame.”

UPDATE: This post is completely fictitious (not real). WE Fest 2014 has not been cancelled.

Click here for another exciting Dr. Willy Nilly post!

Fargo Man to Keep Vacation Beard Going

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vacation-beardFargo, ND—Local resident Qace Zombytakle has returned from a shaveless vacation, and he’s found himself relatively pleased with his resulting facial hair ensemble. So much so, he’s decided to keep rockin’ it.

“I think i’m gonna just let it hang,” says Zombytakle. The presence of mandible fur has become a welcome comfort. “Beards are kinda in right now anyway. Let’s just see where this goes.”

Zombytakle has “never let it hang down this far” before, so he’s excited about what’s to come.

Friends and co-workers are abuzz with the news of Zombytakle’s decision to render stubble. “He’s always sported a mediocre jawline. Follicle neglect should compliment the pie hole nicely,” says longtime friend Bemmen Derschitzla. “I hope it doesn’t get anyone pregnant.”

 

Butterfinger Cancels “Official Candy Bar Of The Russian Army” Contract

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Butterfinger says "Nyet"

Butterfinger says “Nyet”

Geneva, Switzerland – Following the crash of Malaysian flight MH-17 over eastern Ukraine Thursday, Nestle’s Butterfinger brand has cancelled its lucrative contract with Russia’s Military as the “Official Candy Bar of the Russian Army”.

In a statement released earlier today, Nestle CEO Saul Lessman explained, “Although the details of this terrible tragedy are still unknown, Nestle and its subsidiaries have made the difficult decision to end our partnership with the Russian Military.  Our company is troubled by reports surrounding this event, and feel the Butterfinger-Army connection may be inappropriate at this time.”

Lessman was quick to quash rumors that other contracts around the world were in jeopardy.  “To our stockholders, rest assured that this incident has no bearing on Nestle’s other international partnerships.  Baby Ruth remains the “Official Pro-Life Snack” worldwide, and our Pixy Stix continue to be extremely popular as “Taliban Treats”.  Closer to home, Colorado has recently adopted Laffy Taffy as the “Official State Candy” and we are very close to a sweet deal with the Los Zetas Cartel regarding our $100,000 Grand Bar.”

After losing the coveted ISIS account to Hershey’s last month, Lessman seemed hopeful about Nestle’s future in the region. “We feel that our swift action with Butterfinger has maintained the integrity of our brand for upcoming ventures.  That’s our motto: Integrity.  Well, that and, Nobody’s Gonna Lay a Finger on my Butterfinger.”