Tag Archives: american dream

Entire Family Goes Missing After Husband Dreams They Were All Kidnapped

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Their jeep was found on a road to nowhere.

Fargo, ND – In a case that might never be solved, an entire family has gone missing after the patriarch had a dream that his family had been kidnapped.

Mr. Damian Flipp-Dyke, who reportedly reported the dream by calling 9-1-1, is now missing along with his lovely wife, Lola Flipp-Dyke, and their three above-average children: Nyork, Zhway, and Ahzr.

The only remaining evidence of the family, besides their hungry dog sitting in an empty home, is the family’s jeep which was found abandoned on a random road down in the deep jungles of Guatemala.

If you have any pertinent information that might help solve this mysterious case, please report it to the Dream Police, or call the Kidnap Hotline and ask for Karl.

Abscondingly, all of the letters in Damian Flipp-Dyke can be re-arranged to spell: Family Kidnapped!

Five Day Work Week Likened To Rapid Rat Race

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Not feeling too groovy? Slow down, you move too fast. You got to make the morning last.

Hamstershire, UK – International researchers have likened workers who work a five day work week to hamsters running on a hamster wheel which is spinning much too quickly.

“What we have seen, in our extensive research, is that if a fast-spinning hamster wheel is slowed down a bit, correlating to a four or even a three day work week for homo sapiens, the hamster is much more happy and willing to work,“ says Dr. Ian Ratzmire.

American companies that are implementing this ground-breaking research into their work schedules are finding that their employees 1. work better, 2. are as happy as hamsters, and 3. stay with their employer much longer.

Former Small Town Drug Dealer Living Big City Dream

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Livin’ the dream!

Mapleton, ND—Who said you had to be asleep to live the American dream? That’s baloney! A small-town meth dealer from Mapleton, North Dakota who goes by the street name “Bizznatch” has taken his talents to Minneapolis to pursue his dreams of becoming a drug kingpin.

Bizznatch started his underground meth ring during the early 2000s via a homemade meth lab built in his deadbeat parents’ garage. It was a fly-by-night operation at first. Bizz started pushing one rock here and two rocks there, but as word got out about his penchant for dope slangin’, business picked up. That’s when he knew he really had something to offer.

“I learned math in high school and always had a salesman mentality.” he states. These skills are a valuable commodity in the world of drug dealing. “I trusted nobody and kept my head on a swivel, always looking over my shoulder. You gotta be paranoid in this business.”

His homeboys always knew Bizznatch had what it takes to hit the big time. “Bizz never took no shit from nobody. He always on top of his game.” said his homie C-Slaw. “He slang the rocks like no other.”

Bizznatch soon moved out of his parents’ garage and into his own shitty, run-down meth trailer on the outskirts of town. It was there that he started proliferating his empire.

“I made some real business connections. Loads of cash started coming in. My operation outgrew my meth shack in a hurry. That’s when I knew my 8 cell phones, 47 security cameras, 5,000 pet spiders and I would have to move on.”

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Bizznatch loaded up his windowless van and headed east to Minneapolis in 2011. He set up shop in a downtown-area loft and hasn’t moved since. No…seriously. He hasn’t been outside in over two years. Nowadays, he remotely manages a legion of cookers and street pushers via a series of cryptic text messages while the jack continues to roll in. Life is good. He looks back fondly on his early days and says he’ll never forget where he came from.

“Starting out small like that really keeps a drug lord humble. I still remember my first meth sore like it was yesterday…cooking rocks and huffing formaldehyde in my dad’s garage. Man, what a ride.”