Tag Archives: ban

Fargo’s Plan To Ban Plastic Bags Irks Some Civil Liberties Groups

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…but many are mad at Fargo’s attempt to ban beautiful plastic bags.

Fargo, ND – Many civil liberties groups are beginning to push back against the Fargo City Commission’s early attempts to ban plastic bags from the city.

They collectively say: “What Commissioner Jan Strond is proposing is just unfair against plastic bags, some who have immigrated from other countries where they may have been threatened. Banning plastic bags will send a bad message to others that Fargo is intolerant of anyone who is different.“

The American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) believes a ban on any group, such as plastic bags, goes against the American way and infringes on the constitutionally guaranteed civil liberties of everyone.

People For the American Way (PFAW) advocates for values that sustain a diverse democratic society of which plastic bags are a part, along with activist City Commissioners, when they’re not trying to impose unconstitutional bans.

National Coalition Against Censorship (NCAC) represents many groups united by a conviction that freedom of thought and expression must be defended which is why they’re now focused on Fargo’s anti-American plastic bag ban.

If you believe the Bill Of Rights also protects plastic bags from being banned from Fargo, please show up with a sign demanding justice at the next Fargo City Commission meeting.

If you believe intolerance breeds further intolerance, demand that Commissioner Jan Strond apologize to the plastic bags of the world, or at least the banned ones in Fargo.

Pinochle Banned In The State Of North Dakota

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North Dakota bans Pinochle!

North Dakota bans Pinochle!

Bismarck, ND – In its infinite wisdom, the state of North Dakota has banned the game of Pinochle.

Based on an anonymous complaint from Mr. Simon DeFalco that some other seasoned citizens were playing Pinochle for untaxed prizes, the ND legislature unanimously passed a bill outlawing Pinochle in North Dakota.

Pinochle is an ancient card game dating back to the Greeks. Socrates taught Plato Pinochle, who in turn taught Aristotle, who in turn brought Pinochle to America on the Pinta with Columbus in 1492.

Pinochle players in North Dakota will now either have to: 1. switch to Cribbage, 2. take their Pinochle playing underground and behind curtains, or 3. travel to Minnesota, which is one of the most liberal states in the nation when it comes to playing Pinochle.

The heart-felt reaction to the new law from the president of North Dakota’s Pinochle Clubs, Mr. Diamond Spader went like this: “Well, when Pinochle is outlawed, then only outlaws will play Pinochle.”

West Fargo’s ‘War On Dogs’ Now To Include Deportation

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West Fargo dog catcher asks for voluntarily compliance to round up all dogs.

West Fargo, ND – The fastest growing city in North Dakota, known as the “City on the Grow”, has also just declared its own “War on Dogs.”

The most recent Dog Census revealed to city leaders that the dog population was growing four times faster than its humanoid population.

“Enough is enough!” declared Carl Fanzer, West Fargo’s Top Dog Catcher.

West Fargo’s new “War On Dogs” will include a simple 3-point plan:

1. Ask owners to voluntarily bring their dogs to the City Pound.

2. Hire professional dog catching teams to round up all remaining dogs.

3. Begin “Doggy Deportations” back to each dog’s country of origin. For example, all German Shepherds would go to Germany, Great Danes to Denmark, as so on and so forth.

To find what country your dog would be deported to, use this handy chart!

Center For Disease Control Bans The Handshake

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Experts say that shaking hands could be an early sign of Parkinson’s Disease.

Shakespeare, Alabama – In the midst of mucho bad news during the last year about the spread of diseases, the customary handshake is in danger of extinction.

Governmental scientists armed with the latest governmental research claim that this barbaric germ-spreading maneuver is no longer worth the risk.

One governmental statistic shows that 98.5% of people who die have engaged in using the handshake as a method of greeting and agreeing during their lifetime.

One expert on the subject of handshakes is Robert McCloskey who said: “I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I’m not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.”

Federal bureaucrats from the Center for Disease Control are gearing up to begin enforcing a ban on handshakes after the Obamadministration uses another Executive Action to outlaw the archaic practice.

As a helpful public service, the FM Observer has come up with a list of alternative methods of greeting friends and strangers.

Top Ten Alternatives to the Handshake:
10. Standard Hand Wave
9. Thumbs Up
8. A Wink
7. Fist Bumps
6. Rubbing Elbows
5. Curtsy
4. Chest Bump
3. Cheek Rub
2. Bowing
1. French Kiss

West Fargo Imposes Total Watering Ban Due To Global Drying

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Watering no longer allowed in West Fargo

Watering no longer allowed in West Fargo

West Fargo, ND – The City of West Fargo is now implementing a total ban on watering for at least the remainder of this summer.

The fastest growing city between Chicago and Hiroshima has decided to impose a complete watering ban because its earlier even/odd restrictions were not being followed.

The normal guidelines allow for even/odd numbered homes to water on even/odd numbered days between the hours of 6PM and 10AM.

The total watering ban was unanimously voted on by the City Commission.

The cities of Fargo and Moorhead are seriously considering doing the same thing.

Climatological data suggests that we are entering a period of Global Drying which may last for the next 10-30 years.

West Fargo residents who are caught watering their yards will first be given a $500 warning.

Second violations would receive a $1,000 fine along with confiscation of all sprinklers and hoses.

The faces of residents who violate the watering ban will also be shown on the “Water Glutton” board which will be largely displayed at the intersection of Main and Sheyenne streets.

Human Assault Weapon

Ban On Human Assault Weapons

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Human Assault WeaponDue to the large number of incidents involving human beings using weapons to kill other human beings there will now be a ban on being a human being.

The state department released a report to Congress recommending a background check on all humans and will be closing all private birthing loop holes.

Also in the report, a call to expand prison systems to accommodate all human assault weapons.  It also suggested offering fifty bucks for voluntary submissions of any human assault weapons.

 

 

West Fargo To Implement New Bike Lane Law Effective Immediately

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West Fargo, ND – Concerned West Fargo citizens held a town hall meeting last week that created enough concern, the West Fargo Police Department will implement a new bike lane law EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY.

Tim (The Toxic Ninja) Thompson, the neighborhood superhero, was riding his mountain bike early last week when he spotted an overweight child or “fat kid” riding a small motorized scooter on the bike path.  See picture below.

No Longer Allowed

What he just witnessed made Tim (The Toxic Ninja) Thompson immediately reminisce about his childhood days where he actually had to physically push his scooter with his legs and feet such as the one below.  This involved an almost full body workout which, back in the day, believe it or not, was considered good for you.

A Real Scooter

Angry and concerned, Tim had to fulfill his superhero duties and call in a town hall meeting.  Here, the citizens heard Tim’s plea and all agreed.  No longer are fatkids allowed to ride motorized scooters on all West Fargo City bike paths effective immediately.

The police department would like to advise parents to have their overweight children use any transportation that actually involves physically moving your body to move it.  Like the scooter pictured above.  It also includes the overweight children themselves.  Meaning, have them walk.  No longer should you wheelbarrow them around, roll them from point a to b, or have them ride motorized scooters.