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Fargo Family Soap Opera Pilot Episode Script Is Complete

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Production of Fargo Family will begin as soon as actors are chosen and the episodes are written.

Fargo, ND – There was never a doubt in our minds that in some zany alternate universe, Fargo would have its own televised daytime drama. That suspicion has nearly come to fruition with the completion of our pilot episode. Just as soon as the rest of the episodes are written, we will begin a massive casting call. Line up for it!

Now, for the conclusion of episode one:

F Mob Server Productions, 2017

FARGO FAMILY

“Pilot”

SCENE 7. CONRAD.

FADE IN TO CONRAD DRIVING:

(Conrad is behind the wheel of his Dodge RAM Super Duty, cruising westbound down main avenue. AM 1100 plays very loudly on radio; Rush Limbaugh is talking.)

(Conrad stops at stoplight, digs in fanny pack, pulls out smartphone. Holds 2 for speed dial, puts on speakerphone then places phone on passenger seat. Rings, then an automated voice “thank you for calling the Rush Limbaugh Show on Premiere Radio Network”)

CONRAD: (impatiently) COME on, RUSHMEISTER…

(suddenly Beatris’s number rings in on call waiting. *beep beep*)

CONRAD: (looks over, groans) NO, no no no NO, Bea! (stoplight turns green, Conrad fails to notice. He grabs the phone frantically trying to cancel Beatris’s inbound call. A horn honks from behind) 

CONRAD: Damn it! SHUT up, liberal troll!! Rachael Maddow! (Conrad tosses phone back onto passenger seat, slams on gas pedal, all 4 wheels spin out on icy road, truck begins to fishtail a bit. Meanwhile Conrad doesn’t realize he accidentally answered Beatris’s call while speakerphone still engaged.)

BEATRIS: (via phone) Conrad?? CONRAD, Jesus, what’s happening??

CONRAD: (surprised) Rush? RUSH?? Am I on?? Long time listener, huge fan! Hey Rush, do you think Jodie Foster is part alien? I mean, if you look at the shape of her head–

BEATRIS: (interrupts Conrad) Conrad. CONRAD. It’s me. Your WIFE. Hellloooooooooo???

CONRAD: (hears her now) Aw, damn it, Bea! (slaps phone to attempt a hang up while driving, fails, keeps slapping with open hand, slapping, slapping…)

CUT SCENE FADE

SCENE 8. STANLEY.

FADE IN TO STANLEY ON THE PHONE WITH KINGSLEY:

STANLEY: (listening intently) Margie? Ok… I spose, then. I’ll head up there, ya.

(camera pans the interior of Stanley’s trailer, it is littered with numerous trinkets and gadgets. He hangs up the phone, begins tinkering with a doodad. Camera pans to front window covered in tinfoil, no light gets inside or out. Stanley puts down the doodad and turns up HAM radio, it blares a weak signal. He fumbles with the knobs, suddenly a voice is heard.)

VOICE: (amidst static)…can hear this, this is Vern Milton; it is October, the year is 2048. Testing, testing, signal…anyone?

STANLEY: (excitedly) Hello? Who is Vern? This is Stanley! I read ya, you betcha!

VOICE: (amidst static) Huzzah! Stanley, is it? I’m Vern and I’ve been traveling through time for years and years. What time are you, stranger?

STANLEY: Oh, wow! This is 2017, doncha know! What are ya up to, there?

VOICE: Fella, I’ve seen too much to even begin explaining. (static increases) My travels through time have made me incredibly weary. (more static now) A word of warning…(static)…global warming…(static)…polar icecaps…(static)…ocean…(static)…nuclear meltdown…

(Stanley aggressively twisting HAM radio knobs)

VOICE: (inaudible)…oil…(static) Bakken shale…(static)..stop…(static)…carbon footprint…

(the voice fades away into unending static feedback)

STANLEY: (unable to hear the voice any longer) Ah, dangit, Vern! Vern! Dangit anyway!

FADE OUT.

CUT TO COMMERCIAL ABOUT BLOATING RELIEF.

SCENE 9. HOSPITAL.

FADE IN TO ICU:

(We see Kingsley glaring at Dr. Never as he stands over an ailing Margareet)

KINGSLEY: (pensive) Well, heck, what’re ya doin’ here, doctor?

DR. NEVER: (stoic) I’m a doctor, Kingsley. I work here.

KINGSLEY: (accusingly) Ya, doncha. Well I saw ya touchin’ my wife there in a manner not real like a doctor should be touchin’ a patient, there you betcha.

DR. NEVER: (ignores Kingsley’s accusation) Your wife is very ill. She needs medical attention. Now, if you’ll excuse me…

(tries to leave but Kingsley stands in his way)

KINGSLEY: (stammering) Oh really now? Ya, I saw what I saw there, now, doctor, so…

DR. NEVER: (urgently) Excuse me, Kingsley, or i’ll do to you what I did to your daughter Trix after she OD’d on hand sanitizer…

KINGSLEY: (anger rising) Are ya threatenin’ me, there, you betcha??

(Dr. Never pushes his way past Kingsley, leaves)

(Kingsley huffs at the encounter with Dr. Never, rushes to Margareet. She is unconscious)

KINGSLEY: (sadly) Ah, dangit, Margie. Dangit, then, ya know. Somethin’ better not be goin’ on with the doctor there, you betcha…

(we see tears begin to form in Kingsley’s eyes, cut to Margareet opening hers)

DRAMATIC MUSIC

FADE TO BLACK. ROLL CREDITS OVER THEME MUSIC.

Wow! You can cut the tension with a butter knife. This is just a taste of what this groundbreaking show will be like. Care to star in it? All you need to do is post a convincing comment or send in your resume. Be sure to list your talents, hidden talents, acting experience and whether or not you can cry on command if kicked square in the guts.

Fargo Family Soap Opera Pilot Episode Script Continues

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Production of Fargo Family will begin as soon as actors are chosen and the episodes are written.

In case you’ve been living under a rock with a rock on top of it, you are unaware that we’ve been piecing together an exciting new soap opera for Fargo, based in Fargo and with Fargo-ish overtones. Do you want to be in it?

With that, a rough drafted script for the pilot episode of Fargo Family continues…

F Mob Server Productions, 2017

FARGO FAMILY

“Pilot”

SCENE 3. DR. NEVER’S OFFICE.

FADE IN:

(Margareet is shown sitting on Sanford clinic examination room bed, she is looking quite somber. Seconds go by; she pulls Ambien bottle out of her pocket, downs a small handful. She gracefully loses consciousness as bottle falls to floor)

(Dr. Never enters, studying clipboard)

DR. NEVER: …We’ve been over this, Marg, medical cannabis isn’t fully legal yet–(notices the passed out Margareet) OH FOR PETE’S SAKE (accidentally kicks ambien bottle, clamors for it) god damn it (bonks head on Margareet’s knee cap) OW, god DAMN it, Marg! (holds forehead, becoming extremely agitated) NURSE! Patient unconscious, dispatch med team stat!! (silence) NUUUURSE!! And bring an ice pack!! (rubs forehead bruise)

CUT SCENE FADE

SCENE 4. CONRAD.

FADE IN:

(Conrad shown in M&H convenience store in Moorhead, finishing a purchase of Powerball tickets)

CLERK: That’ll be $13.50.

CONRAD: Yeah? For what?? The privilege to suddenly bag a truckload of taxable income? Income that BIG GOVERNMENT will rip their (holds up finger air quotes) fair share (lowers air quotes) of? Trump is going to squash Big Government, you’ll see. Politicians better run and hide.

CLERK: $13.50

(Conrad pulls huge bag of pennies out of fanny pack, drops it flat on counter)

CONRAD: Here. Charge the rest to the NO-bama administration.

CLERK: Charge what? How much is here?

CONRAD: Drain the swamp! Drain the swamp!

CLERK: The hell are you talkin about, bro? $13.50! These pennies? How much are here??

(Clerk begins fervently counting pennies)

(Conrad exits M&H without Powerball tickets or bag of pennies)

FADE OUT.

CUT TO COMMERCIAL ABOUT HERNIA MESH CLASS ACTION LAWSUIT.

SCENE 5. SKOOTER.

FADE IN

(Skooter appears in attic fumbling about with wires. He appears to be connecting an electrical circuit to a 3-prong outlet)

(Cut to Kingsley entering house from garage. He drops briefcase onto floor, keys into key dish on end table, heads to the liquor cabinet)

(Cut back to Skooter hearing someone enter the house. He recognizes sound of briefcase and keys, becomes completely silent to avoid being noticed)

(Cut back to Kingsley pouring a highball of scotch, neat. Pulls a sip.)

KINGSLEY: Aaaah, heck, dontcha.

(Kingsley pulls smartphone out of pocket, opens Facebook. We see a Facebook status from Margareet, it reads “Feeling wispy, doctor calling…better not keep him waiting!”)

KINGSLEY: Golly dangit. Marg!? Margie…? (Listens, hears nothing) (Louder now) Maaargie!

(Cut to Skooter again, he’s holding his breath, making no noise whatsoever)

(Cut back to Kingsley searching the house for Margareet. His search is futile, Margareet is not present. Kingsley pulls keys from key dish and leaves)

(Cut back to Skooter, he hears Kingsley leave, he exhales and continues wiring)

CUT SCENE FADE OUT

SCENE 6. HOSPITAL.

FADE IN TO DR. NEVER FOLLOWING MARGAREET BEING WHEELED DOWN HALLWAY ON GURNEY

NURSE: Any idea how many pills were taken?

DR. NEVER: (visibly irritated) Usually she empties what’s left of a bottle. No clue how many were there since she never sticks to my prescribed amount. 

NURSE: Here we go again…

(they continue down hallway into intensive care unit)

(cut to Kingsley pulling up to Sanford hospital parking lot, he parks slanted in handicap spot)

(cut to Kingsley approaching receptionist)

KINGSLEY: (impatiently) Ya, hello there, Paula. Dr. Never in with another patient, you betcha?

RECEPTIONIST: (recognizing a frequent visitor) OK, Kingsley, i’ll call up. (she dials number) Kingsley is here….ok…ok…yes, i’ll tell him. (hangs up phone) Go ahead.

(Kingsley swiftly approaches open elevator, slams repeatedly on button for 3rd floor)

(Cut to ICU where Dr. Never is standing over Margareet as her stomach is being pumped)

DR. NEVER: (softly) If you can hear me, Marg, you better listen. Knock it off. If you crave attention you’re going about it the wrong way…(begins caressing her cheek with latex-gloved hand)

(Kingsley barges in, sees this, they lock eyes)

DRAMATIC MUSIC

FADE TO BLACK

Ooooh! The action is really heating up! Remember, if you want a shot at being a huge local soap star, casting calls are about to begin. Send in your resumé or leave a comment. Please list number of dependents, age of dependents and whether they’re dependent or independent.

Click here for the dramatic conclusion of our Pilot Episode!

Fargo Family Soap Opera Pilot Episode Script Exclusive!

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Production of Fargo Family will begin as soon as actors are chosen and the episodes are written.

With all the hubbub over a drama series based on and in our quiet town, we are providing interested parties with a rough draft of opening scenes from the much-anticipated pilot episode of Fargo Family, Fargo’s first and only soap opera scheduled to definitely maybe air:

F Mob Server Productions, 2017

FARGO FAMILY

“Pilot”

SCENE 1. HOMESTEAD.

FADE IN:

(Flapper dressed in greasy overalls cautiously enters Margareet’s kitchen through a halfway-open back patio door, frigid air billowing in)

FLAPPER: Margie? Margie…? You here?

(Margareet stumbles into kitchen holding empty bottle of Boone’s Farm while Dr. Phil drones on in the background)

MARGAREET: (slurring speech, clearly inebriated) OHHH isn’t this a day! Thirty below and a ton of white covers the ground! It’s dream we’re living upon the clouds! I’m–

(Flapper notices Margareet’s unstable mental condition, interrupts her)

FLAPPER: Darling, you’ve got to stop this, doncha know! Dr. Never been coming around again? Keeping company with his devil pills?? Sleeping with Prince Valium at night, I’m sure ya you betcha.

(Flapper turns to leave, Margareet desperately lunges toward him)

MARGAREET: (slurring badly now) Flap, you mustn’t go! The Cadillac has a transvestite leak and I’m low on fluid. (holds up wine bottle) Where’d you have to be?!

(Flapper draws in and lets out a deep sigh of discontent)

FLAPPER: I shouldn’t be comin round no more if for not on business. It isn’t right…(long pause, staring longingly at an anguished Margareet) …but it isn’t wrong if Kingsley gone on office trips all the dang time, dontcha know…

(Flapper embraces Margareet, a long kiss and a slight nudge)

CUT SCENE FADE

SCENE 2. WORK.

FADE IN:

(Kingsley sitting alone in conference room, old wrinkly hand thumbing a cherished ancient Sioux Indian artifact, mumbling to himself. Sunshine/warm weather radiates off skyscrapers through conference room window)

KINGSLEY: Boy, Old K, you’re going to have to do better than that if you want to keep the dang Lexmark account…

(Kingsley’s personal secretary peeks in conference room door, Kingsley notices her)

KINGSLEY: Go the heck away, eh? Now ain’t a great time!

SECRETARY: But, sir, like, Beatris was calling and calling and finally, like, left a message about, like, it being urgent and junk, so, like, I took a message..?

(Secretary’s phrase is uttered in the tone of a question, Kingsley stares blankly at what he believes to be a complete airhead)

KINGSLEY: Well jeez, what was the message about there, Chynthia? You know what? Forget it, eh? I’ll phone her on the bluetooth in the Uber, you betcha. Now beat it, dontcha!

(Kingsley encloses  fist around prized Sioux Indian artifact, fist tightens)

FADE OUT.
CUT TO COMMERCIAL ABOUT OPIOID-INDUCED CONSTIPATION RELIEF.

Exciting, isn’t it? Nothing makes for a better soap opera than terrific acting, a well-designed script and embarrassing commercial interruptions. Do you want to take part in this theatrical endeavor? Leave a comment or email us your resumé including date of birth, place of birth and type of birth.

Click here for PART 2 of our Pilot Episode!

Fargo To Get Its Very Own Soap Opera

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Production of Fargo Family will begin as soon as actors are chosen and the episodes are written.

Fargo, ND – Fargo will soon be getting its own soap opera called Fargo Family. It will be based in Fargo, be about Fargo, and all the actors will be from Fargo.

If you or someone you know is an actor or would like to be an actor on a real soap opera, please leave a comment below or email us your resume and also indicate which of the following roles you are interested in:

Fargo Family characters that need to be filled:

1. Kingsley – A treacherous old codger who spent some time in a military prison for acts unbecoming of an officer.
2. Margareet – Kingsley’s wife, the wine-drinking matriarch, who will back stab anyone who turns their back on her.
3. Skooter – Their son who has Attention Deficit Disorder but likes to tinker around with powerful sound equipment.
4. Trix – Their super-popular teen daughter who secretly likes to bully other students on Facebook.
5. Flapper – Their mechanic friend that is also into gambling to the point where it’s causing him some serious problems.
6. Dr. Never – An internal medicine doctor who is also the family’s main supplier of prescription pharmaceutical drugs.
7. The Bopster – Trix’s boyfriend who also wants to start his own modeling agency.
8. Stanley – Margareet’s inventive brother who lives on the wrong side of the tracks.
9. Lulu May – A free-spirited floozy willing to do whatever it takes to get ahead.
10. Xang Xou – A table tennis instructor with whom many share deep personal secrets because he doesn’t speak English good.
11. Beatris – Kingsley’s sister who is a pessimistic liberal currently unhappy about pretty much everything.
12. Conrad – Husband of Beatris who wants to help make America great again while making a lucrative profit.

Not only will all the actors be selected from the Fargo area, the general plot ideas, spoken lines of dialogue, accompanying music, theme song, costumes, hairstyles, and makeup will all be done by Fargoans. This will be a community effort and creation of which we all can hopefully be proud.

You are urged to have courageous curiosity on the direction Fargo Family is going. Remember, we are all a part of the Fargo Family!

Click here to read the script!

Thin Man Found Living Inside Fargo Family’s Chair

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A thin man had been living in this chair for 30 years. Police asking folks to check their furniture.

A thin man had been living in this chair for 30 years. Police asking folks to check their furniture.

Fargo, ND – In what police are calling a “very bizarre situation”, a thin elderly man was recently discovered to be living inside a Fargo family’s large comfy chair, which had been in the middle of their living room.

Apparently, after delivering the large, over-stuffed chair to their home thirty years ago, the man decided to crawl inside the chair and stay for awhile.

The man would sneak out at night to get food from the fridge, perhaps stop in the bathroom, and then crawl back inside the chair.

He admits: “During the last thirty years, I sometimes did get rather bored, but then someone would come and sit in the chair, which was always fun for me.”

The Police are now referring to the man as the Chairman of the Bored.

Police are also requesting that everyone in the community please check all your furniture for any unexpected inhabitants who may be living inside.

New Family Fun Game For The Holidaze: Add-On Swear Word!

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caption here

The 1st person says a swear word. The 2nd person says the 1st swear word and adds a 2nd swear word. The 3rd person has to say all the previous swear words and then add another one, and so on and so forth. It’s fun, for the whole fucking family!

Fargo, ND – The FM Observer is rolling out a new family-fun game just in time for the fucking holidays. It’s called Add-On Swear Word!

One brave family member simply starts it off by saying a swear word out loud.

Taking turns going clockwise, each next person has to say all the previous swear words in order from first to last, and then add another swear word to the end of the fucking list.

As the list gets longer and longer, this game is sure to bring your family closer together during the blessed holiday season.

Add-On Swear Word has also been shown to increase the vocabulary of the younger generations while being a good memory exercise for those with mild or severe dementia.

Endangered Sea Monkeys Found In Fargo’s Red River

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Rare family of Sea Monkeys throw monkey wrench into Fargo’s water supply!

Fargo, ND – Scientists have discovered a family of Sea Monkeys living in the Red River near downtown Fargo.

Sea Monkeys were recently moved off of the endangered species list. These cute little suckers are now considered critically endangered and thus are a very protected species of living creatures.

The Environmental Protection Agency has declared that Fargo can no longer use the Red River as its source of drinking water, effective immediately.

Fargo is now scrambling to find alternative sources of water.

Some possible ideas proposed by Fargo leaders include: Devil’s Lake, Sam’s Club, or buying dehydrated water off of the internet.

If you have any ideas that could possibly help, please do not hesitate to contact the Fargo City Commission immediately.

In the meantime, Fargo’s rare family of lovable little Sea Monkeys can be seen playing in and around the Red River by Dike East.

Moorhead Family Found Living In A Pumpkin

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caption here

It’s actually quite comfortable living in here but we’re planning on adding an additional pumpkin for some more living space.

Moorhead, MN – It was recently discovered by the Moorhead Housing Authority that at least one Moorhead family has been living in a large pumpkin for months.

Margaret Butts, chairman of the MHA, stated: “T’was a real shocker when we learned that a whole family was headquartering out of a large pumpkin. They can’t be considered homeless because they do have a home.”

Some of the initial questions swirling around this story have been:

Why would a family be living in a pumpkin in Moorhead?

Can we expect more people to be found living in pumpkins the closer we get to Halloween?

Should pumpkin dwellers be taxed just as normal homes are?

Is this just more real fake news from the FMObserver or is it an authentic story like the Moorhead haunted house story?

All of these questions will be addressed at the next Moorhead city commission meeting. In the meantime, you are asked to go out and search for any other pumpkin dwellers who may be living in the area. Please report any findings by calling the main city phone line at 218.299.5166 and you will be routed to the Pumpkin Department.