With all the hubbub over a drama series based on and in our quiet town, we are providing interested parties with a rough draft of opening scenes from the much-anticipated pilot episode of Fargo Family, Fargo’s first and only soap opera scheduled to definitely maybe air:
F Mob Server Productions, 2017
SCENE 1. HOMESTEAD.
(Flapper dressed in greasy overalls cautiously enters Margareet’s kitchen through a halfway-open back patio door, frigid air billowing in)
FLAPPER: Margie? Margie…? You here?
(Margareet stumbles into kitchen holding empty bottle of Boone’s Farm while Dr. Phil drones on in the background)
MARGAREET: (slurring speech, clearly inebriated) OHHH isn’t this a day! Thirty below and a ton of white covers the ground! It’s dream we’re living upon the clouds! I’m–
(Flapper notices Margareet’s unstable mental condition, interrupts her)
FLAPPER: Darling, you’ve got to stop this, doncha know! Dr. Never been coming around again? Keeping company with his devil pills?? Sleeping with Prince Valium at night, I’m sure ya you betcha.
(Flapper turns to leave, Margareet desperately lunges toward him)
MARGAREET: (slurring badly now) Flap, you mustn’t go! The Cadillac has a transvestite leak and I’m low on fluid. (holds up wine bottle) Where’d you have to be?!
(Flapper draws in and lets out a deep sigh of discontent)
FLAPPER: I shouldn’t be comin round no more if for not on business. It isn’t right…(long pause, staring longingly at an anguished Margareet) …but it isn’t wrong if Kingsley gone on office trips all the dang time, dontcha know…
(Flapper embraces Margareet, a long kiss and a slight nudge)
CUT SCENE FADE
SCENE 2. WORK.
(Kingsley sitting alone in conference room, old wrinkly hand thumbing a cherished ancient Sioux Indian artifact, mumbling to himself. Sunshine/warm weather radiates off skyscrapers through conference room window)
KINGSLEY: Boy, Old K, you’re going to have to do better than that if you want to keep the dang Lexmark account…
(Kingsley’s personal secretary peeks in conference room door, Kingsley notices her)
KINGSLEY: Go the heck away, eh? Now ain’t a great time!
SECRETARY: But, sir, like, Beatris was calling and calling and finally, like, left a message about, like, it being urgent and junk, so, like, I took a message..?
(Secretary’s phrase is uttered in the tone of a question, Kingsley stares blankly at what he believes to be a complete airhead)
KINGSLEY: Well jeez, what was the message about there, Chynthia? You know what? Forget it, eh? I’ll phone her on the bluetooth in the Uber, you betcha. Now beat it, dontcha!
(Kingsley encloses fist around prized Sioux Indian artifact, fist tightens)
CUT TO COMMERCIAL ABOUT OPIOID-INDUCED CONSTIPATION RELIEF.
Exciting, isn’t it? Nothing makes for a better soap opera than terrific acting, a well-designed script and embarrassing commercial interruptions. Do you want to take part in this theatrical endeavor? Leave a comment or email us your resumé including date of birth, place of birth and type of birth.