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Former Coach’s Nightclub Location Survives Suicide Attempt

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gbin03Moorhead, MN—The downtown location of a former hip & now, with it and wow nightclub has survived an apparent suicide attempt. The past home of Coach’s Sports Pub on 6th Street and Center Avenue in Moorhead set itself on fire early this morning.

What was once the go-to location in Moorhead for college students and partygoers has completely let itself go over the better part of the last decade. The former hotspot is known to have been battling depression as of late, and this recent suicide attempt looks like an obvious cry for help.

“Ever since Coach’s went away, the building has never been the same” says Cyndi McVickers, a former nightclub patron. “It just sits there, looking all sad and lonely, getting fat. I feel bad for it. I have to say, hearing about this suicide attempt is not surprising at all.”

Firefighters battled the suicide attempt for many hours last night, putting out fires in and around the area that used to be the kitchen.

The departure of Coach’s left a sore spot in the downtown area. It dealt a blow that 600 Center Street never fully recovered from. We wish the building well and hope for a speedy recovery.

Silva vs Weidman

Silva and Weidman Kiss

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Silva vs WeidmanSilva and Weidman faced off yesterday at the UFC 162 weigh-ins.  This time they literally went chin-to-chin or lips to lips.

Things certainly have changed since I started watching UFC.  Before, the two men would either A. Be respectful, shake each others hands like grown ass mature men would do, complete a simple stare down for the cameras and go on their merry way or B. Hype the fight up a bit and put their hands in the other opponents face to get the crowd going.  Today, there is man lip on man lip action going on and I don’t like it.

UFC pre-fight weigh-ins is not the place to display ghay tendencies.  I’ve been seeing it more and more.  Am I going to see some butt slappin’ next?  Is the guy going to turn around to leave the weigh-ins and the other fighter starts slapping his ass?  Are the fighters going to hug and then help each other get their clothes back on after standoff?  Is that next?  Are they just going to full out have butt sex right there on the stage?  Where does it end?

I think it’s time for Dana White to step in here and set these fighters straight.  Get it?  I think he should call a meeting and let them know that they need to keep their ghay tendencies to a minimum during UFC weigh-ins.  After the weigh-ins it’s game on.  They can do as much butt slappin, lip mangling, or butt humping as they wish as long as its backstage and not in front of the masses.  Nobody wants to see that.

Red River Valley Fair Freak Show

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Come see the Freak Show for some indelible memories

Come see the Freak Show for some indelible memories

Fargo, ND – When the Red River Valley Fair comes to town later this month, it is bringing more than just the Tilt-A-Whirl and Merry-Go-Round.

After many years of being locked in the closet due to political incorrectness, the Freak Show will triumphantly make its return.

If you’ve been having a hankering to see normal-challenged plants, animals, and homo sapiens, you’ll definitely want to pay admission to see the Freak Show, now back in its full glory.

All under one large Freak Show tent, you will be able to see a six-foot Venus Fly Trap that eats hamburgers, a two-headed sheep, the famous Bearded Lady, and the Human Pin Cushion.

You’re guaranteed to see at least thirty serious freaks at any one time. Every day at 4 o’clock there will be a Freak Parade where all the freaks (that can walk) will parade around the Midway to hopefully bring back a long line of business into the Freak Show tent.

Some of the other freaks you may see include:

  • Donkey Man
  • the Human Bowling Ball
  • the Three Sisters (that share the same body)
  • the Woman with Crocodile Skin
  • an animal that’s half dog and half monkey
  • Two-headed, one-nosed, three-eyed, double-mouth calf
  • the only living Cyclops
  • an Albino Family
  • Mr. Hotdog Fingers
  • plus a plethora of dwarfs and midgets along with 8-foot Mr. Goliath

At the bottom of every hour, the host for the Stage Show is a Three-Legged Man whose identical brother has real fish gills and sits in his water tank bedroom.

Pictures and videos are allowed in the Freak Show tent so bring your camera and smart phones. Just like some of the rides at the fair, the Freak Show will take your breath away but is safe and fun for the whole family.

Touch of Gray

Just For Men Touch of Gray

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For only $6.95, you can keep just SOME of that gray but not all of it.  If you’re feeling lazy and only want to dye half of your hair but keep the gray, then use Touch of Gray!

When you think having just a little, or maybe just some gray, is sexy, use Touch of Gray!

Women will love you for it.  Just a little gray is in.  It’s the new summer fashion.

If you don’t have gray hair, dye your hair gray then use Touch of Gray, which leaves your head only half gray.  Do it now before this hot new summer fashion passes you by!

 

Touch of Gray

Paula Deen Dropped From Human Race

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Paula Deen: Not worthy of being a human

Paula Deen: Not worthy of being a human

Geneva, Switzerland – The International Human League has unanimously voted to strip Paula Deen of her human status. Recent sub-human activities by Celebrity chef Paula Deen, 66, have forced the IHL Central Counsel Committee to drop her membership to the Human Race.

After her own admission that she had “of course” used the N-word in the past 30 years, Paula Deen has been dropped by more and more companies with whom she used to be in bed, including the Food Network.

But now, after the Queen of the N-Word tried offering some tearful apologies for her crimes against humanity, things seem to be getting worse rather than better.

The president of the IHL, Dr. Jean-Pierre Dubois says: “She is now officially going to be ejected from the Human Race.”

Besides uncountable usages of the N-Word and also being on the receiving end of a messy racial discrimination lawsuit, the owner of Uncle Bubba’s Seafood and Oyster House has also been documented (by secret NSA wire-tap recordings) as having used many other highly derogatory terms.

The politically-incorrect diva has been caught red-handed using a veritable Alphabet Soup of other land-mine terms, such as:

The A-Word (anti-dentite), the B-Word (bully), the C-Word (crackerjack), the D-Word (democrat), the E-Word (egghead), the F-Word (feminazi), the G-Word (geek), the H-Word (Hussein), the I-Word (idiot), the K-Word (kooks), the L-Word (liberal), the O-Word (oinker), the P-Word (pedophile), the Q-Word (queenie), the R-Word (richers), the S-Word (Sioux), the T-Word (thespian), the U-Word (ÜberBitch), the V-Word (vegetable), the X-word (X-wife), the Y-Word (yellowbelly), and the Z-Word (zealot).

Dr. Jean-Pierre Dubois mentioned that Paula Deen will be joining a growing list of others who have been dropped from the Human Race for their high-crimes against humanity, which includes: Lance Armstrong, O.J. Simpson, The Octo-Mom, John Edwards, Barry Bonds, and Idi Amin.

To be fair to Paula Deen, the FM Observer wanted to give her the last word before this post was published, but her quote was so riddled with F-Bombs and other unprintables that we decided to say that she had “no comment”.

Gillette Ad FAIL

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Gillette recently released an ad that they thought somehow didn’t look dirty at all.  You may see the ad directly below.

Gillette Ad Fail

We asked a few residents around town what their thoughts were after viewing the ad.  Below are their responses.

 

“Is that Barack Obama raping another American? What are they doing to each other?”

“That dude is getting humped in the rump!”

“That guy in the black is going to slap the guy in the red in the butt while in the mud.  That’s dirty!”

“That guy is totally getting raped in the butt.”

“Its baracka-back mountain.”

“Gooooo spank some butt on Gillette Mountain.  In the mud and everywhere.”

“Smell nothing?”

“That certainly looks like butt sex.”

“The guy in black sure is giving everything he’s got!”

“That is gay porn right there.”

“Is he humping a guy stuck in the mud?”

“That’s gay.”

“He’s definitely smelling something.”

“Well, they are definitely having butt sex.”

“Poor guy is getting raped right in the butt in the mud there.”

“Well this certainly reminds of their old saying, ‘The best a man can get.’ Ads certainly have changed.”

 

Well I have to agree with everyone in their response.  The guy certainly looks like he’s getting raped in the buttox.  I’ll leave you with this to cleanse your mind.

suspended for wearing camo to school

West Fargo School Suspends Kid For Wearing Camouflage Shirt

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suspended for wearing camo to schoolWest Fargo, ND – Eight year old William Yelverton just wanted to go to school to learn a whole bunch of knowledge earlier Wednesday morning, however, that was not the case.  William was suspended and sent home.

William went to school like any other normal kid Wednesday morning.  Smiling and full of sugar. However, William decided to wear a camouflage shirt to school that day and the administration didn’t take too kindly to it.

William was learning his states and flags when the intercom came on calling him into the principals office.  He slowly walked down the halls and into the office wondering what the heck he did.

Turns out, Williams camouflage shirt got him into trouble.

“They saw my camouflage shirt and were instantly intimidated by me they told me.”

William thought he was being fashionable and wanted to impress the girl he had a crush on.

“They also said that it could be dangerous during recess as the other kids could possibly not see me due to me blending in with my surroundings.”

“We try and promote non-creativity here.  As the years go on we implement more rules and regulations to limit what the kids can do.  We’ve banned tag, basketball, football, well almost all sports actually.  No more coloring either.  We really try hard to teach these kids…..something…..ya know,” the principal stated.

William says he might come back next week as a Ninja.  He stated that a Ninja can blend in with his surroundings better than a camouflage shirt, thus not getting him suspended again.

 

Government Spy Birds Are Watching You

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Osprey1PX1Osprey, FL – New information is being leaked by the Governmental Leak Information Bureau (G.L.I.B.) about federally trained birds that are now being used for domestic surveillance. Ospreys (click on picture) and other large birds are helping Big Brother spy on you.

Gordon Meinkampf heads up the Center for Bird-Held Cameras (C.B.C.). He and his well-paid staff have been training and testing many types of large birds to see which work the best for the purposes of domestic surveillance, spying, and even some predatory attacks.

Mr. Meinkampf says: “I am not allowed to answer any of your questions as to what we secretly do here at the CBC, other than to say that anytime you see an: osprey, eagle, raven, pelican, cormorant, vulture, condor, or red-tailed hawk, chances are pretty darn good that it’s probably one of ours. You might as well smile for the high-definition digital mini-cam with super-zoom lens that’s attached to that nice friendly bird.”

Anyone caught tampering with a bird and/or its camera will be easily identified and brought to justice under the full extent of the law. “Try to act normally and be yourself.” says Gordon. “Just because we’re always able to watch you, doesn’t mean you have to worry that something bad is going to happen…like an IRS audit, for instance.”

Russia Says It’s Not Harboring Any Pale, Colorless Americans

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washington-urges-russia-to-return-edward-snowden-to-usMoscow, Russia—Vladimir Putin and his evil band of KGB cronies vehemently stated earlier today that they are not knowingly in possession of any ghastly-looking American males, especially those named Edward Snowman.

Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov said defiantly in response to the United States’ demand for extradition, “We don’t have your Mr. Snow White. Mother Russia does not know the whereabouts of your Casper Friendly Ghost, and even if Mother Russia did, it would not simply give Frosty Snow Man over to you free of charge.”

Officials representing many countries around the world are not entirely sure of the whereabouts of Colorless Carmen San Diego. Wikileaks founder Julian Assange is said to be in contact with Edward Snowman, saying that the Great White Whistleblower was “only passing through Russia” and may be en route to Ecuador or perhaps Iceland.

Wherever Edward Snowden does happen to land, we hope he’s finally able to get some sun.

Jail To Offer Square Dancing As Threat Or Bribe

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King of the Fiddle: Charlie Fritters

King of the Fiddle: Charlie Fritters

Fargo, ND – The Cass County Jail will soon be implementing a new, fun activity for some of their inmate population.

The sounds of Square Dancing in the jailhouse will be heard on Wednesday afternoons and Saturday evenings. As a bonus treat, pink lemonade and powdered doughnuts will be offered, for a nominal fee.

Warden Norm Orzak said he got the idea of having jailhouse square dances from a visiting Catholic priest who suggested that they duplicate at the jail what folks have been doing down in the church basement for years.

Special Training Officer Orietta Posada explains that if jail inmates like the idea of some periodic social square dancing with other inmates, then the square dancing will be used as a bribe.

However, if they perhaps do not appreciate the chance to partake in the fine art of square dancing with other cellmates, then it will be used as a threat or punishment.

To kick it all off, the jail staff is proud to be bringing in an ol’ time fiddler named Charlie Fritters from Backwoods, Arkansas. He was once called the King of the Fiddle and can supposedly make people cry with his music.

On his website, someone recently left the following comment about Charlie Fritters:

Ol’ Charlie Fritters
Kind of has the jitters
His shakin’ helps a little
When it’s time to play the fiddle.

He’s the King of the Fiddle
or somewhere in the middle
Square dancing’s worth a try
Charlie Fritters will make you cry.

Mr. Charlie Fritters
Don’t allow no quitters
You will work up a sweat
And have lots of fun, yah you bet!

Warden Orzak sums it up like this: “If this all goes well, and there’s not a lot of fighting, we may add some additional new, fun activities in the future, such as: Bingo-rama, an interactive Petting Zoo, and Team Dodgeball.”