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FMO Interviews The Queen Of England

The Queen sits with us for an interview.

London, England – Who says persistence doesn’t pay off? After many repeated requests for an exclusive interview with the Royal Queen of England, she finally graciously agreed to grant us permission to ask her a few questions. Enjoy!

FM Observer: You’re known to many as Queen Elizabeth II. What is your actual full name?
Her Majesty: My real name is Elizabeth Alexandra Mary Windsor.

FM Observer: Is that the name on your passport?
Her Majesty: Actually, I don’t have a passport.

FM Observer: Do you have any favorite nicknames?
Her Majesty: Oh, probably Lillibet, which is short for Elizabeth.

FM Observer: May we call you Lillibet?
Her Majesty: No, you may not.

FM Observer: What about this one: When is your birthday?
Her Majesty: I have two birthdays. April 21, 1926 is my actual birthday, however it is celebrated on the second Saturday in June. This is called the Trooping of the Colours.

FM Observer: Well, that certainly makes a lot of sense. We’ve heard that you can order a dark beer in eleven languages. Just for fun, how would you say it in…French?
Her Majesty: Je voudrais un biere brune, s’il vous plait.

FM Observer: Very impressive. So, do you actually want a beer?
Her Majesty: No, of course not.

FM Observer: They describe you as a constitutional monarch. Is that some sort of butterfly?
Her Majesty: Are you serious? Is this interview almost over?

FM Observer: Hey, I’m asking the questions here. Who was your Daddy and what did he Do?
Her Majesty: His name was King George VI and he was the King of England. I have been Queen since February 6, 1952, ever since he died.

FM Observer: What is your husband’s full name?
Her Majesty: That would be Prince Philip, the Duke of Edinburgh.

FM Observer: Is it true that both you and your husband, Prince Philip are great great grandchildren of Queen Victoria?
Her Majesty: Yes, that is true. Why do you ask?

FM Observer: So, would it not also be true that both of you share Queen Victoria as your great great grandmother?
Her Majesty: Yes, that is also true. Where are we going with this?

FM Observer: Well, then, since you are a direct descendant of Queen Victoria’s oldest son King Edward VII, and since your husband, The Duke of Edinburgh is a direct descendant of Queen Victoria’s third child Princess Alice, then would not that mean that you married your third cousin?!
Her Majesty: What?! Was this whole interview a set up so you could accuse me of an incestuous marriage?

FM Observer: OK, since we seem to have hit a sensitive hot button issue, let’s wrap it up with one final topic. You seem to like dogs. More specifically, the Corgi breed. What are the names of some of your favorite Corgis?
Her Majesty: Gloin, Gizzard, and Puke.

FM Observer: How did you come up with those names?
Her Majesty: From trying to describe my feelings after doing interviews like this one. Good Day!

New Government Board Game: The Red Line

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“The Red Line” is a new fun family board game.

Washington, DC – The Obamadministration is mandating that all Americans will need to purchase a new government board game called “The Red Line”.

It is, in part, designed to educate the American public about the current Syrian Crisis.

It will also hopefully help build support for Congress to back President Obama’s desire to bomb the hell out of Syria for its continued alleged use of chemical weapons.

This new board game is not only fun for the whole family, but will also teach players about actual evidence collected by the U.S. Government regarding the Syrian leader’s nefarious crimes against humanity.

Each player gets to set their own Red Line. If any other player crosses your Red Line, you can then decide whether or not you want to punish them into submission, let it go unpunished for a week or a month, or wait to see if Congress votes to get the United States involved in another wasp-nest quagmire.

Fun game cards throw in some crazy random twists to your growing problematic situation, such as: President Obama shows strength by going golfing, Secretary John Kerry offers free ketchup to the entire Middle East, Ambassador Dennis Rodman plays basketball with Syrian President Assad.

60% of all proceeds from “The Red Line” board game will go to the Democratic Party to support their candidates in the upcoming 2014 and 2016 elections. The other 60% will help build President Obama’s Presidential Library which has been designed to be transparent, just like his presidency.

Any American citizens who choose to not purchase “The Red Line” board game will be crossing another red line, punishable by a $250,000 fine and up to 10 years in a federal prison.

Batman Speaks Out Regarding Ben Affleck Casting Decision

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GOTHAM CITY—The Dark Knight. The Caped Crusader. The Bat Man. Whatever you want to call him, you call him that with a straight face and some respect because he takes the role of Gotham’s Protector very seriously.

So seriously in fact, that when he found out who would be playing him in the upcoming series of Batman/Superman movies he took to the underground media to voice his opinion on the topic:

“BEN AFFLECK….HAS BEEN IN MANY MOVIES….PLAYED MANY CHARACTERS….HE’S EVEN DIRECTED A FEW….HELL, HE EVEN….PLAYED ‘DAREDEVIL’ ONCE…..BUT THAT……DOES NOT SUFFICIENTLY….PREPARE HIM…..FOR THE ROLE…..OF THE DARK KNIGHT….JUST BECAUSE…..THE SUIT FITS….DOESN’T MEAN…..YOU SHOULD WEAR IT……I MEAN…..LOOK AT GEORGE CLOONEY……THAT…..WAS A TOTAL…..DISASTER…….AND VAL KILMER…….DON’T GET ME….STARTED….WHEN I SAW…..THAT PATHETIC EFFORT….I ALMOST CALLED…..THE JUSTICE LEAGUE….TO HAVE HIM…..EXTERMINATED…..LIKE A PIECE….OF GOTHAM CITY….TRASH…..THE AFFLECK ERA….WILL GO NO BETTER….CHRISTIAN BALE….MICHAEL KEATON….THAT’S WHERE IT’S AT…..”

And then, in a blink of an eye, he was gone. It is not unlike Batman to be very direct with his insight. He’s clearly against the Affleck decision. To please the Dark Knight, perhaps Hollywood should go another route? Not even Bryan Cranston as Lex Luthor can save this casting blunder.

Amanda Bynes Is A Ghost

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The Amanda Bynes meltdown is going just as expected. She has reportedly been moved Los Angeles psychiatric center that previously treated Brittney Spears. She is following previous celebrities footsteps just wonderfully.

Below she can be seen leaving the Hillmont Psychiatric Center Hospital dressed as a ghost with a blue clown wig. The thought was that the ghost costume would confuse the paparazzi as ghosts are invisible most of the time. The blue clown wig kind of gives it away though.

I’m a ghost!

We will continue to follow this celebrities meltdown just as long as she doesn’t keep dressing as a ghost.

We can’t report on things we can’t see.

Pink Eye SuperBug Is Highly Contagious

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Pink Hill, North Carolina – Just as millions of children are heading back to school, researchers at the Pink Eye Research Village (PERV) in Pink Hill, North Carolina are studying a new pink eye superbug which is not only very highly contagious, but which also has new ways of spreading.

The normal pink eye (or conjunctivitis, for all you scientists) is the inflammation of the clear lining inside the eyelid and on the white of the eye. It is basically spread by having contact with a person who has it and is best prevented by thorough washing of hands. The inflammation gives the eye its distinct pink color.

Dr. Conrad Madras, who heads up PERV, says that the new pink eye superbug turns the person’s entire head pink and is spread in a number of new and disturbing ways.

German physician Dr. Klaus Schmid, who is a member of the PERV team, explains that the new superbug can be spread by looking at someone who has the new pink eye. “No matter what the distance is, if you look at an infected person, you yourself will be infected, and your entire head will eventually turn pink.”

Italian Dr. Fabiola Giordano is studying how the superbug is spread by coming in contact with any pink clothing. “Any clothes that are pink can be the transfer mechanism for someone to get the pink eye superbug, which loves to hide in and amongst bright pink clothing.”

Chinese researcher and ping-pong player Dr. Li Tsao is very concerned about the new pink eye superbug being contracted through email. “If someone who is infected with the new superbug sends you an email, and you happen to open that email, you will soon have a full-blown case of the new pink eye. We have never seen anything quite like it.”

If you are concerned that you may have possibly been exposed to the new pink eye superbug, you can call the PERV staff at 1-800-PINK-EYE. If you’re in the North Carolina area, you can also stop by the PERV center. Just look for all the pink buildings, and enter at your own risk.

Christain Ponder To Play Kicker

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Minneapolis, MN – Exciting and unusual news coming out of the Minnesota Vikings camp this morning. The word on the street is that Christian Ponder will give up his quarterback position to play Kicker.

Leslie Frazier confirmed the news just this morning.

“We feel Christian Ponder is a great quarterback but an even greater kicker. That is why, as of this morning, Christian Ponder will be our full-time kicker,” Frazier stated.

I asked how this position and Ponder came about in which he replied, “After seeing him kick the ball around out of frustration during training camp, I knew he’d make a great kicker.”

Joe Webb from quarterback to wide receiver. Christian Ponder from quarterback to kicker. The Vikings sure have a unique drafting strategy.

Oh yea, did anyone tell Leslie Frazier his new helmets don’t match the rest of the uniform? Who’s smoking what in Minneapolis?

At least Mr. Ponder will have a better chance of scoring as a kicker then as a quarterback.

Hot New 2-Man White Rap Group Busts A Move

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Hot New 2-Man White Rap Group: Killa Vanilla

The FM Observer is proud to introduce a hot new 2-man White Rap Group to the Rap World. They are from Fargo, North Dakota and their name is: Killa Vanilla.

FMO: What are your names and how would you describe your rap?

KV: Our names are John Wilcox (left) and Nick Gilborn (right) and our rap music is best described as White Motivational Rap.

FMO: Do you have any favorite rappers that might be considered your idols or mentors?

KV: No, not really. We kind of do our own thing.

FMO: Are you planning on just being a 2-man group?

KV: Eventually we would like to add some female back-ups and call them The Waifs (as in our favorite cookies, the Vanilla Wafers, do you know what I’m saying?)

FMO: Can you give us a flavor of some of your lyrics?

KV: Certainly. Thank you for asking. Here’s a song called “I Am Losing It” which should be on our first album:

I am losing it, and I’m losing it bad, yo
Used to be happy but now I’m so sad, yo
Everyone telling me what I shood do, yo
Paint this car red, no now paint it blue, yo
Bringing in treats, hiding behind my back, yo
Cupcakes laced with crack, heart attack, yo yo, yo
Break it down brother, cuz I need a beer, yo
It’s time to go, go, cuz we are OUTTA HERE, yo!

FMO: That is amazing! How did you get the name Killa Vanilla?

KV: That name came from a song called “The Peeps In Our Hood”, which should be on our second album:

The peeps in our hood down wits us, nice to know ya
We gots the street cred and a resume to show ya
Do you know what i’m saying now Mister Gorilla
We now hava name and it be: Killa Vanilla
Trying so hard to always give our maxilla
Mascot’s in a cage cuz it a full grown chinchilla
We’re always on vacation living in a new villa
Prince Charles agrees and so does Camilla.

FMO: Well, that is very kick ass. Thanks for sharing. Have you entered any competitions yet?

KV: We signed ourselves up for the White Rap Competition down there in Dubuque, Iowa. Hopefully we can take home a 1st place trophy.

FMO: You certainly should win with such genius lyrics. The peeps down in Iowa are in for a real treat when you guys from Fargo show up. Have you written anything special for that particular competition?

KV: We wrote this one especially for the White Rap Competition. We think it could possibly break into the Top Ten White Motivational Raps. It’s called: “Break It Down For Me Sucker”, and it should be on our third album:

Break it down for me sucker cuz you know i’m the boss
Every rhyme’s a winner even when it seems like a loss
My teeth and gums are healthy even though i don’t floss
I sleep for free when i want at the local red cross
Break it down for me sucker cuz you know i be great
My sisters are lezbo but somehow i ended up straight
Waking up early and busting rhymes until late
Foreigners listen to me cuz we take time to translate
If you need any help call the Secretary of State
Break it down for me sucker, yeah
Break it down for me sucker, yeah
Break it down for me sucker, no
Break it down for me sucker, yo
We outta here.

Your Buddy Has Stuff On Couch So You Get To Crash On Floor

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Fargo, ND—After a long night of drinking, your buddy let you crash at his house the other night. Normally you’d be able to crash on the couch, but he has a bunch of junk sitting on there and he ~~doesn’t want it moved~~ is too drunk and lazy to move it so you get to crash on the floor with a blanket and pillow.

“Yeah, brah, just crash on the floor over there by the area rug. I’ll move that stuff tomorrow,” your buddy said as you stood there next to the couch in a drunken stupor. Then your buddy whipped a pillow and blanket in your general direction and muttered something that sounded like “See you in the morning brah.”

You ended up crashing on the floor for a few hours. Then, your half-drunk ass couldn’t take it anymore and you actually literally called a cab and went home to nurse your sore neck and back (not to mention your head-pounding hangover).

You were quoted as saying “This happens every time.”

Christian Ponder Was The 12th Overall Pick In The 2011 Draft

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A little over two years ago, the Purple saw what they thought was a precious jewel. An opportunity to fill a need. After many MONTHS of scouting that included team workouts, the NFL Combine, player interviews, relentless film study, research and preparation—amidst eligible QB draftees such as Andy Dalton and Colin Kaepernick—the Vikings selected Christian Ponder as the 12th overall pick in the 2011 NFL draft.