Tag Archives: national

National Lutheran Church To Become Bird Sanctuary Denomination

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Many Lutheran church sanctuaries will soon be filling up with birds.

Dulutheran, MN – The Angelical Lutheran Church Of America (ALCOA) announced that it will become the denomination that opens its sanctuary doors up to any and all types of birds.

Ms. Rose Grosbeak is the spokeswoman for ALCOA: “Each church sanctuary will be opened up as a safe-haven bird sanctuary for migrating birds who perhaps need temporary or permanent shelter.”

Ms. Grosbeak explains that architecturally, most Lutheran church sanctuaries have a lot of interior height which will help provide the birds ample room to fly around in, while using the offering plates up on the main alters as feeding stations.

Various Lutheran member groups will be making bird nests along with cute little painted bird houses for the many different types of birds that are expected to take advantage of the new Lutheran bird sanctuary pronouncement.

National Coffee Shortage Causing Companies To Hoard The ‘Fuel Of Business’

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Sip it while you can because coffee’s days are numbered, just as Algore predicted.

Coffee City, TX – Large and small businesses all across America have begun to hoard coffee in anticipation of a nation-wide shortage due to Global Warming due to Algore’s changing climate.

With coffee in short supply, the speed of business in America could slow to just a trickle.

Mr. Schaffer Gootee who heads up the Coffee Utilization Program (CUP) describes coffee as the “fuel of business“ and without it, American business would come to a decaffinated halt.

Do you drink coffee at home? Do you have a six month supply hoarded in your pantry? This is what the experts are warning us to do if you like to wake to the smell of fresh-brewed coffee in the morning.

Ironically, all the letters in Schaffer Gootee can be re-arranged to spell: Coffee Shortage!

Obama Names NDSU Bison Our National Football Team

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Generations of Bison have and will continue to dominate the competition in and on the field.

Buffalo, NY – President Obama has graciously taken some time off his busy golf schedule to name the NDSU Bison our official national football team.

Top spokesman for the president, Scheff Fleffly spoke on strict terms of anonymity:

“Let it be known far and wide, that we hereby decree, from this day forward, that the 5-Time National Champion NDSU Bison from Fargo, South Dakota are henceforth to be named the national football team of America.”

Reaction to this major announcement was swift and mixed, and then poured into a tall chilled glass:

“Hey, I thought Fargo was in Canada, eh?” pondered Dumpster Johnstone’s stepmother.

Crest Fleckers lisped: “It’s about time, since the Bisons not only discovered America but have managed to dominate since Day One!”

LaFlex Boddington retroflexed: “Don’t we have more impotent things to worry about like Global Cooling or lowering the Maximum Wage?!”

Punky Butterworth sub-vocalized: “Well, that’s just fricking great! Now perhaps we can finally integrate outcome-based critical thinking via self-reflection on what the Bison mean to us, collectively, as a group.”