Tag Archives: north dakota

ND License Plates Being Widened To 14 Characters

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New ND License Plates: 14 Characters Wide! Just imagine the possibilities!

Bismarck, ND – The state that leads the country in grain growing, oil fracking, and honey bee production will also be the first state to offer double-wide license plates.

North Dakota will soon widen its license plates to fourteen (14) characters.

This is partly due to the fact that Lutheran Social Services is bringing in so many refugees that the current number of seven (7) characters will soon not be enough.

So, start thinking about what you might want on your next vanity license plate for your clunker car.

At fourteen characters in width, here are some possibilities that you might see cutting in front of you during rush hour:

ANTIGOVERNMENT, CLAUSTROPHOBIA, DETOXIFICATION, HALLUCINATIONS, MISINFORMATION, REHABILITATION, STRAIGHTJACKET, WHIPPERSNAPPER, and ZOMBIFICATIONS.

Vote YES On Ballot Measure 11: Make FMO The Official Website Of North Dakota

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Where the urinal?

Where’s the urinal?

Bismarck, ND – If you care about the future of North Dakota, like we do, then make sure to vote YES on Measure #11!

This important ballot measure would make the FM Observer the official website of the state of North Dakota forever.

It would also take 1% of the oil extraction revenue and give it to the FM Observer to “do with as it wishes”.

Many have praised the FM Observer for its recent cutting-edge coverage of the Ebola Pandemic as well as the latest on the Downtown Fargo Vomit issue.

If you want good things to happen that will positively affect you and your family, vote YES on Measure 11.

If you don’t want your family to be living out of a box behind Walmart, vote YES on Measure 11.

If you want to show your appreciation to the FM Observer, as do most sane people living in North Dakota, vote YES on Measure 11.

Measure 11 is as important as Measure 5 and Measure 6 combined.

If you cannot find Measure 11 on your voting ballot, immediately cry foul and call for a complete investigation of that voting precinct, with a serious threat of a lawsuit.

Vote for Measure 11 to get whatever you want, for free, and delivered to your front door, no questions asked.

North Dakota Gets 1 Of 8 Newly Added NFL Teams

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The North Dakota Frackers Football Team

The North Dakota Frackers Football Team

Bismarck, ND – North Dakota is excited by the NFL’s announcement that it has landed one of eight new team franchises. The latest NFL expansion is adding one team to each of its eight divisions.

The North Dakota Frackers are being added to the NFC North Division in which you find the Minnesota Vikings and the Green Bay Packers. Vikings QB Christian Ponder stated that: “Now it’s going to be just that much more difficult to win the Super Bowl.”

Each new team costs about one billion dollars to purchase. The North Dakota legislature voted to use $1.1 Billion from its oil money Legacy Fund for this special purpose.

Other teams being added to the National Football League include the: London Broils, Montana Unibombers, Alaskan Mushers, Hawaiian Alohas, Arkansas Hillbillies, Iowa Corn Cobs, and the Mexican Amigos.

A top North Dakota official said: “On the record, this is very exciting news for North Dakota to finally have its very own NFL team. Off the record, we have a lot of work to do to make this work: Cheerleaders try-outs, team logo selection, location of the official stadium, not to mention the entire coaching staff, plus all the players. Right now, we have no football players on our team, but that’s OK, because we do have the North Dakota Frackers! Our goal is to win a Super Bowl before the Vikings do.”

ND Leaders To Tribal Councils: Please Stop Doing Rain Dances

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Dancing For The Rain

Dancin’ in the rain

Fargo, ND – With standing water in ditches and mosquitos breeding fast in waterlogged North Dakota, state and city leaders are urging Native American communities to cease practicing their ritual rain dances until further notice.

“We’re beyond soaked,” said Representative Flo Anderson. “Our state and our citizens desperately need a break from the downpours. All we’re asking is for the tribes to start doing some other kind of dancing until we can dry out a little. Sun dances. Wind dances. Break dances. Anything but rain dances. Folks are tired.”

One especially problematic issue is the growing frequency of “Splash Mobs” within the state. Organized via social media, these large groups of tribal rain dancers are spontaneously popping up all over North Dakota. The results are wreaking havoc on regional weather patterns.

According to Vern Drencher of the National Weather Service, “The collective power of the Splash Mob creates meganimbus events unlike anything we’ve seen before, dropping 6 to 8 inches of precipitation in under an hour. We’ve been monitoring this phenomenon in the Spirit Lake area for some time. However, the Native American youth are taking it to a whole new level. And that spells W-E-T for you and me.”

The FMO caught up with tribal spokesman, Jeremiah Raincloud, who, after listening to this story, smiled, tipped his hat to us, and said absolutely nothing.

North Dakotans Live In A State Of Happiness

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Hiberspace is the new happy.

Fargo, ND – Gallup’s recent release of its annual “Happiest State” poll results has left many Americans dumbfounded to see North Dakota sitting in 1st place for 2014.  It is being widely reported that collective “Whaaaaa?” sounds can be heard from Pittsburgh to Portland as people scratch their heads trying to figure out where North Dakota is and what’s so happy about it.

However incredulous, Gallup has spoken.  Toppling the reigning champ, Hawaii, North Dakota now ranks as the happiest state in the union.  While the FMO sends out a mittened “high five” to our state and its citizens, even we have to wonder:  How the heck did that happen?

In an effort to understand how North Dakota could have ever stolen the happy crown from Hawaii (Really??), the FMO decided to ask local psychiatrist and self-proclaimed happiness expert, Johann Kronnesvoldervandersbjorg to explain.

FMO:  So, Dr. K., why in the world are North Dakotans so darn happy?

JK:  I’m going to let you in on a little secret.  I’ve recently discovered a phenomenon that occurs in some humans who live in absurdly inhabitable conditions like we experience here in North Dakota.  After years of being exposed to mind-numbing cold, prolonged sunlight deprivation and high levels of casserole consumption, human beings begin to enter a state not unlike hibernation.  I call it Hiberspace.

FMO:  Can you repeat that?  I was half asleep.

JK:  Listen closely now.  Just as the internet exists in Cyberspace, North Dakotans exist in Hiberspace.  The inner consciousness becomes completely unaware of the outside world and instead operates in a sort of euphoric dream state.  Awash in endorphins and dopamine from the excessive casserole intake, the human mind drifts along blissfully for months in order to survive the harshness of reality.  It’s really quite extraordinary.

FMO:  So, you’re saying we’re essentially bears?  Big, lumbering, loopy, grinning bears?

JK:  Well, that’s one way to look at it.  The point is that Hiberspace is an incredibly exciting discovery.  Just imagine the possibilities!  If humans can evolve to the point where they can find happiness in such utterly ridiculous living conditions as the bleak, frozen tundra of North Dakota, then theoretically true Nirvana should be a snap for say, a Floridian.  It’s all about tapping into that magical sweet spot between hopelessness and denial.  Therein lies true happiness.

FMO:  And, apparently, a casserole.

JK:  Indeed.

FMO:  Indeed.

UFO Sighting In North Dakota Caught On Camera

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Sheriff Ben Dover says: This really happened! This here ain’t no hoax.

Perth, North Dakota – An amazing UFO sighting was caught on camera just outside Perth, in north central North Dakota.

Towner County Sheriff Ben Dover somehow captured this amazing image on his cell phone, while watching the UFO for about ten minutes, as he sipped an early morning cup of coffee.

Sheriff Dover said that he witnessed the UFO spacecraft use its tractor beam to pull up an old bi-plane that was sitting out in a farmer’s field.

Dr. Zak Neth of the National UFO Center: North Dakota has definitely been a hot-spot of UFO activity lately. However, the aliens who were sent to visit “Earth” might have mistakenly thought they were to visit “Perth”.

Cow

Man Sentenced To 75 Years In Prison For Stealing Neighbors Cow

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CowMaza, ND – A man was sentenced to 75 years in prison this past Wednesday for stealing his neighbors cow.

Jim Benson, a local dairy farmer (whom Bill Burns worked for before joining the FM Observer), was arrested last week and charged with theft of property.

The property?  A cow.

Cops state that Mr. Benson dressed as a cow, “pranced” over to his neighbors cow barn late at night and stole their most milk producing cow, Betty.

Mr. Benson stated that he just needed some milk and that was all.  He will be eligible for parole in 10 years.

When asked if it was worth it he said, “Absolutely not. I should have just gone to the store for milk.”

Proof of a Yeti

Casselton Resident Says He Has Proof Of A Yeti

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Casselton, ND – A Casselton resident states that he has indisputable proof that a Yeti visited his home earlier this morning.

Mr. Jones, a Casselton North Dakota resident was awakened early this morning to his doorbell ringing.  Upon answering the door, Mr. Jones stated that nobody was there.

“I live in the country and rarely have visitors.  I found it odd that someone would ring my doorbell in the morning.”

Mr. Jones then put on his winter gear and ventured outside just to make sure nobody needed help.

“That’s when I spotted these weird footprints.”

Below is the picture Mr. Jones captured of the footprint.

Proof of a Yeti

“Now, I know what a Yeti is.  I’ve watched the show finding bigfoot, one of my favorites I might add, so I immediately knew this was a Yeti footprint.  I couldn’t believe it!  Right in my front yard!”

Mr. Jones continued to search his property but didn’t find much.

“There was some type of feces on my doorstep.  I thought that was pretty weird.  I don’t know.  Maybe it wanted a beer.  It’s been cold out here for a while now.  I’d imagine the Yeti around here would like a warm house like mine to live in.  I’d welcome them in anytime!”

Mr. Jones is going to submit his evidence to the Yeti Research Institute immediately as he is sure he has absolutely proof that a Yeti visited his home.

What do you think?

2 Fargo schoolchildren left unattended on school bus; resorted to cannabalism

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"Is anybody out there?" he stated while eating his friends leg.

“Is anybody out there?” he stated while eating his friend’s leg.

Fargo, ND – In a very short series of unfortunate events, two Fargo school children were left for dead in a Valley Bus school bus Thursday morning.

Temperatures reached a staggering 23 below when the children were left to battle the elements all by themselves.  Unfortunately, the temperature continued to dive and reached a mind blowing 40 below.

One of the children tried to hold on but the elements proved too tough and he ended up freezing to death right there in the bus.  The other child, desperate to survive, had to resort to cannibalism in order to stay awake as he was slipping fast.

The child used a plastic scissor, a scissor that had been used just the day before to cut beautiful snow flakes out of construction paper,  to cut his friends leg off.

For the next grueling 5 hours, the child had to feast upon the leg of his dead friend.  Luckily, a Valley Bus worker who needed to clean the bus unexpectedly walked onto the scene.

“I stepped up into the bus and that’s when I saw it.  Blood everywhere.  There was a leg propped up on one of the seats.  It was horrible.”

The surviving bloody child was then rescued from the bus and taken to the nearest shower.  Presumably to wash the blood and flesh off.

The mother would like to know what went wrong.

“Where did my child get the idea to cut someone’s leg off?  Is this what they are teaching my child?  How am I supposed to trust them with my kids? This is serious and I plan on suing.”

Valley Bus could not be reached for comment.

Time To Vote For the Worst In The FM Area

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The worst of Fargo-Moorhead

The worst of Fargo-Moorhead

Fargo, ND – It is time once again to vote for the worst places in the Fargo-Moorhead area.

Our annual compilation of all the places you hate the most is about to begin.

Of course, we need your help in the form of votes.

There are many different categories to be decided, but remember that this is for the places that you think are the worst in each category.

 

 

 

 

Here are the categories for this year’s worst:

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Winners will be announced sometime in the distant future.