Tag Archives: rising waters

Proceeds From Famous Painting By Amsterdam Douglass To Help Fund Fargo’s Flood Fight

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Pórtráit óf Ivóry Mittán by Amsterdam Douglass to be auctioned off to help save Fargo.

Fargo, ND – Fargo’s very own Amsterdam Douglass is donating his most famous recent painting for auction to help raise funds for Fargo’s focused fight for freedom from feared forecasted floods.

The painting, which is cleverly entitled Pórtráit óf Ivóry Mittán is valued at $1.8 million because: 1. It is by Amsterdam Douglass, and 2. It is the last known portrait painted of the famous Ivóry Mittán before getting violently struck and killed by a distracted driver who was texting “LOL” to a lame Michael Jackson joke.

Besides helping fill millions of sandbags, you can assist Fargo’s flood fight by donating money to the cause via purchasing a flood fight T-shirt which displays the acronym: F.L.O.O.D. = Fargo Loves Our Own Diversion.

Global Warming Causing Ice To Become The New Currency

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“The official melting point of ice just got a little warmer.” –Algore

Meltonville, Iowa – Due to increasingly increasing high and low temperatures throughout the Upper Midwest region, unmelted ice is beginning to become the new currency in this post-Global Warming economy.

Based on his own scientific research, Dr. Gil McIntee strongly believes that people will soon be paying for all their basic survivalistic-type items with unmelted ice.

Dr. Gil McIntee in his own words: “It is entirely feasible that ice will be the new gold just as hot will be the new cold.”

Many are already seeing the ice price begin to shoot up like junkies at a needlepoint class and starting to skyrocket as if being launched from the North Korean peninsula.

Ironically, all of the letters in Gil McIntee can somehow be re-arranged to also spell: Melting Ice!

Renters Complaining About Clogged Plumbing Get Told By Landlord To Go Screw Themselves

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Who you going to call? ClogBusters!

Who you going to call? ClogBusters!

Moorhead, MN – When renters Norm and Nikki Waite politely mentioned to their landlord that their sinks and toilets were all backed up, the responses they got were not what they expected.

Their landlord’s first response was to ask if they’d ever heard of a plunger?

After saying they’d tried that and it actually had made things worse, their landlord, Mr. Omar Assfaha, told them to “go buy a screwdriver and screw themselves” if they wanted the problem fixed so badly.

Rather than moving out, the Waites have decided to not pay rent until their problems have been fixed.

Until that happens, they’ve had a Potty Shack® portable toilet placed in their living room.

If you are having a similar such problem, please contact Ms. Shirley Wiggins, Director of our Class Action Lawsuit Department to discuss your options.

Oceans Rising Faster Than Predicted: Millions Moving To North Dakota

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Icebergs continually washing up on beaches making surfing a real challenge.

Icebergs continually washing up on beaches making surfing a real challenge.

Cape Cod, MA – As Global Warming continues to melt the polar ice caps down to nothing, the oceans are rising faster than originally expected.

Dr. Alice Melton, who is the top scientist with Make Earth Less Troubled (MELT) says: “We are seeing the oceans rise a foot per year which is twelve times faster than we predicted a month ago.”

Dr. Melton believes that at this current rate of rise, all of the states on the East and West coasts of the United States will be at least three feet under water by this time next year.

All these people are moving to North Dakota!

All these people are moving to North Dakota!

“Not only are all the polar bears swimming around with no place to sleep, but millions of coastal Americans will be floating in salt water if they don’t quickly up and move to North Dakota,” she panics.

The North Dakota Director of Tourism, Archie Doorbell, responded this way: “Well ya, sure, you betcha! Don’t cha know we gots lots of land up here in these parts! But a million people? I’m thinkin’ that sounds like an awful lot? We’ll just have to see about that, then, there!”