Tag Archives: school children

South Park Being Used Extensively As Educational Tool For Pandemic Home Schooling

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Using South Park for home schooling is probably the best thing you can do for your children.

Yourtown, USA – With schools being closed for the foreseeable future, many parents are choosing to educate their home-schooled children by having them watch South Park.

“Used as an educational tool, South Park checks all the boxes, plus kids love the lovable South Park characters,” says Dr. Yap Fortin who is a respected expert for using South Park as an educational tool for children being home-schooled.

FMO: To get a great education, how many hours per day should children watch South Park?

Dr. Fortin: The more the better. In fact, to binge South Park continuously would be my expert recommendation.

Ironically, all the letters in Yap Fortin can be re-arranged to spell: Profanity!

New School For Gifted Children Requires Quantitative Proof That A Child Is Gifted

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Honeybrook School For The Gifted

West Fargo, ND – The “city on the grow” will soon be adding a brand new state-of-the-art school just for gifted children.

Honeybrook School will be the best school in the country for children of all ages who are deemed to be gifted.

Applicants will be rigorously tested and interviewed to determine which get admitted to Honeybrook School For The Gifted.

Based on their age, each applicant to Honeybrook will be tested and given a score of 1-10 in 25 different categories with the highest possible score being 250.

Here are the 25 categories an applicant will be scored in: ability to follow directions, abstract reasoning, activity level, alertness, attention span, concentration, creativity, critical thinking skills, curiosity, energy level, frustration level, imagination, interests, inventiveness, language, learning speed, memory, observation, problem-solving skills, processing of information, reactions to noise, reading, retention, sense of humor, and vocabulary.

Any child with a test score of 200+ will qualify to attend Honeybrook School For The Gifted.

In case you’re wondering, the team name at this school for the gifted is the Honeybrook Gifs (pronounced Jifs).

Democrats Considering Lowering Voting Age To Ten While Offering Them Free Candy

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Top Dems luring children with candy.

Washington, DC – Nervous Democrats needing a win in the next presidential election are pushing to lower the voting age to ten while offering children free candy and recreational marijuana.

Speaker Nancy Pelosi believes it’s really important to capture kids when they’re in grade skool, before they know much about politix, and when they can still be easily swayed for whom to vote.

Senator Chuck Schumer concurs that rather than lowering the voting age to sixteen, lowering it to ten, along with offering free college, free candy, free pot, and free Doritos to anyone who doesn’t vote for the Republicans would be a boon to the Democrat voting base.

Both Pelosi and Schumer agree that their For The Children Act (H.R.1) is “really important” because we need to drastically change election laws before the next presidential election in order to prevent four more years of never-ending Trump investigations.

Kids Warned Against Playing Outside During Nice Summer Months

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Don’t let your kids play outside because it’s probably the worst thing they can do.

Fair Play, TX – The American Safety Society is warning parents to warn their children to not play outside this summer.

“Inside the house is where you should play, for sure at night and also during the day,” raps Dr. Daisy Eplin, who currently presides over the American Safety Society.

Dr. Eplin goes on: “Research shows that going outside to play, on a beautiful summery day, is tantamount to eating sugary snacks, while sitting on railroad tracks.”

According to American Safety Society documentation, the many benefits of keeping your kids indoors include: higher IQ, increased tech savviness, fewer broken bones, less chance of bug bites and getting kidnapped, less bullying, improved self esteem, and better social networking skills.

Ironically, all the letters in Daisy Eplin can safely be re-arranged to spell: Play Inside!

2 Fargo schoolchildren left unattended on school bus; resorted to cannabalism

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"Is anybody out there?" he stated while eating his friends leg.

“Is anybody out there?” he stated while eating his friend’s leg.

Fargo, ND – In a very short series of unfortunate events, two Fargo school children were left for dead in a Valley Bus school bus Thursday morning.

Temperatures reached a staggering 23 below when the children were left to battle the elements all by themselves.  Unfortunately, the temperature continued to dive and reached a mind blowing 40 below.

One of the children tried to hold on but the elements proved too tough and he ended up freezing to death right there in the bus.  The other child, desperate to survive, had to resort to cannibalism in order to stay awake as he was slipping fast.

The child used a plastic scissor, a scissor that had been used just the day before to cut beautiful snow flakes out of construction paper,  to cut his friends leg off.

For the next grueling 5 hours, the child had to feast upon the leg of his dead friend.  Luckily, a Valley Bus worker who needed to clean the bus unexpectedly walked onto the scene.

“I stepped up into the bus and that’s when I saw it.  Blood everywhere.  There was a leg propped up on one of the seats.  It was horrible.”

The surviving bloody child was then rescued from the bus and taken to the nearest shower.  Presumably to wash the blood and flesh off.

The mother would like to know what went wrong.

“Where did my child get the idea to cut someone’s leg off?  Is this what they are teaching my child?  How am I supposed to trust them with my kids? This is serious and I plan on suing.”

Valley Bus could not be reached for comment.