Tag Archives: texting

Man Who Had Just Figured Out Solution To Climate Change Problem Hit By Bus

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Man with a plan no longer can remember it after getting hit by a bus.

Fargo, ND – Mr. Lonnie Clayhanger had just had the ultimate solution to the Global Climate Change problem suddenly dawn on him.

While he was then attempting to carefully walk across the street to jot it down at a Subway sandwich shop, Mr. Clayhanger was sadly hit by a driverless city bus.

Unfortunately for our entire global community, the accident has left Lonnie with acute, Level III amnesia.

As expected, the driver of the driverless bus has officially been cited for distracted driving by use of a smartphone.

Moral: Don’t cross the street to jot down your idea.

Big Bird Dead At The Age Of Seventy

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Big Bird seen here walking with two of his grand-children just moments before he was struck by a texting distracted driver.

Sesame Street, NY – The world is mourning the passing of one of its favorite large birds.

Big Bird from Sesame Street died in his nest whilst surrounded by his family and close friends at the age of 70, which is like 150 in bird years.

The cause of death was firstly complications from the avian bird flu which then were secondarily compounded with having been hit by a distracted driver at 50 mph who felt it necessary to type LOL in response to a stupid joke.

No word yet on any funeral arrangements for what is expected to be a large group wanting to cry their goodbyes to Big Bird.

Pallbearers will include his best friend Mr. Snuffleupagus who says monetary gifts can be given to support your local PBS station during their upcoming fund drives since President Trump is imposing draconian cuts to the funding of the Public Broadcasting Service.

Texting Has Replaced the Voice With Area Youth

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Fargo, ND – Earmuffs are ugly and can be expensive. Texting is quicker and cheaper. The youth of this area and probably country have determined that texting has now replaced all form of voice communication.

One area youth said “Texting is the way to go. I can’t stand listening to crap. My ears hurt from all that jibber jabber. I went through two pairs of earmuffs to drown out the crap people want to tell me. I lost the first pair, and the second pair I borrowed to my friend, but he lost those too. That’s fine because I don’t need to use my voice anyways. Hey, I’m just a kid and I can’t afford buying any more earmuffs. I can text all day on the cell phone my parents pay for. Besides, I know I won’t need to talk in the working world. After college I plan to be CEO within five years in my corner office with a panoramic view while I manage people through email. My mom said that her boss who sits right next to her “can’t even get up from his fat ass” and ask her a question. He just emails. My dad’s boss doesn’t hold regular staff meetings anymore. People just make sure their phones are on. The boss sends a mass message and people reply here and there from there. Sometimes these meetings will go on for days. Actually, one time it lasted almost a month. If this is how the world is going I’m excited.”

A second area youth also agreed that talking face to face is a major irritation. “My voice hurts. I have spent so much lunch money at the pop machine trying to get my voice back. Texting is so awesome because I can text my friends all day during class and still whoop it up at basketball games. Without texting I can’t be obnoxious and annoy all the annoying parents. And pretty sure it would not be cool to show up in earmuffs to the basketball games.”

The last area youth I spoke with said that despite the rise in earmuff sales, she will not jump on this fashion bandwagon. “Earmuffs, I don’t think so. I can’t wear those to the beach while I show off my new swimsuit!” She further stated, “My friend called me up last weekend to go shopping. Uh, what was that? Like, doesn’t she realize I don’t even answer my phone calls? She’s not my friend anymore.”

Parents please do not even try and talk to your kids. There is a new app out there that is being downloaded in record numbers. When your child texts, a signal is sent up through the arm to the ear and all voice communication is muted. Be aware that if you talk to your children and they don’t respond, this app might very well be installed on the cell phone.

Footnotes:

*Jibber Jabber refers to all form of human voice communication.

*These interviews were conducted strictly through texts. None of the youths would agree to speak to me on the phone or in person.

*I have received numerous slander lawsuits claiming earmuff sales have hit a slump because I made a comment that earmuffs are ugly. I don’t personally think earmuffs are ugly. I was simply stating the consensus of those interviewed.