Below I am going to give you some tips on how to become a NASCAR fan in only three days. If you follow them to a T you are well on your way to becoming one the greatest NASCAR fans of all-time.
1. Go here. Put your mouse over the scroller to the right and hold your mouse button down so you can scroll up and down. Close your eyes. Scroll up and down more than five times and then point and hold your finger on the screen. Open your eyes. Bingo! You just picked your driver to root for.
2. Buy all his memorabilia. Little model cars, stickers, hats, t-shirts. Try and wear them everyday. Put a bunch of stickers of the driver all over your car. Your goal here is to convince everyone that you are a hardcore fan and have been for quite sometime.
3. Visit Walmart and get some overalls and some flannel shirts. Wear them as much as possible.
4. Spend your entire paycheck on a nascar ticket as well as a plane ticket.
5. Switch your choice of beer to Miller Lite or any domestic beer for the matter. Or, if your driver is sponsored by a beer company, you better damn well drink that beer and that beer only.
6. Set all radio stations to country music.
7. Sell your soul.
There you go. You should be able to follow the easy tips above to become a true NASCAR fan in only three days.
Charlotte, NC – Our sporting era is one of constant concern and worry stemming from PED use and the speculation regarding which athlete is cheating and which isn’t. With only one out of the big 3 professional sports organizations (MLB) currently conducting a sensible PED testing program, the use of chemical supplements is thought to be at an all-time high.
This has NASCAR executives worried. Worried not so much about the drivers, but of the cars themselves. Basically, the nation as a whole is very curious as to why Jimmie Johnson finishes in the top five, like, all the time, so NASCAR fans and executives alike have been pushing to implement vehicle Performance-Enhancing Chemical (PEC) testing.
Now that NASCAR has developed what they call a “mission-appropriate testing system that won’t disrupt the flow of races too much”, the in-race screening will take place effective immediately. PEC testing will happen only during races, completely at random, as a means to bust illegally juiced-up cars.
Each pit crew will contain a NASCAR official who will execute quick and efficient PEC tests on vehicles during pit stops. He or she will test for helium in the tires, Red Bull in the fuel tank, SuperCOOL engine coolant, galvanized-lithium lugnuts, etc.
The PEC official will be aggressively pursuing these performance enhancers and many others—all of which are both highly effective and highly illegal. Any vehicle that is caught “juicing” will be handed down a swift punishment that is likely to involve driver suspension.
NASCAR hopes this will level the playing field for all the drivers and their respective vehicles. We will see if Jimmie Johnson is just that good or if his Lowe’s #48 has been crushing PECs.
Dover, DE – Yesterday’s NASCAR FedEx 400 event in Dover contained one of the most heinous multiple car pileups we’ve seen so far this year. A total of 13 cars were involved in this chain-reaction wreck, and the monetary damage is said to be in the “freaking billions, maybe”. That is, according to the insurance adjuster tasked to clean up the aftermath. Keith McGregor is in full-on panic mode after yesterday’s NASCAR disaster. We caught up with Keith to get his take on the accident:
“I’m fucked. Thirteen cars got completely fucking totaled and I can’t get ahold of any of the drivers to have them sign damage disclosures! And where the fuck are the cars?? Did they even bother getting estimates done?? NO! They loaded them onto trailers as I sat there waving. HELLOOO??? Trying to do my job over here! Would love to get who’s at fault sorted out! Now i’m completely loaded with 13 fucking vehicles worth of paperwork and nowhere to send it. What the fuck am I going to do??”
McGregor went on to say that he’ll “get his ass fired if he doesn’t process this wreck” and that if that happens “the Mrs. will probably divorce him.”
We wish Keith the best of luck with his fucking estimates.