Fargo, ND – Not even a handful of hours after Aunt Edna gave you that putrid, two-sizes-too-small sweater for Christmas, you are ready to return it for cash. Why didn’t you just take that money right out of Edna’s purse, you scrooge!? Ugly socks, pajama pants, Crocs, Just For Men, that movie you’ve already seen a million times and many other unwanted gifts are in hand as thousands of patrons gather at the doors of Wally World eager to trade in their crap for money.
Long lines have begun to form outside of your neighborhood Wal Mart, as is holiday shopping tradition. We interviewed a small number of disgruntled gift recipients to get their thoughts:
“I am NOT a size 4. I am EASILY a size 3, or a 2 on a good day. I can’t wear this!”
“Apparently the wife thinks my hair is greying or whatever. That’s bull. I have a perfectly natural look going.”
“This jacket won’t get me laid. It looks like something a street urchin would wear.”
These degenerates didn’t waste any time. They bolted straight for Wal Mart so they could be the first ones through the door on “Returns Wednesday”. The Observer can only hope they don’t get caught up in a money-hungry Black Friday-esque stampede that we Americans are notorious for.
For the rest of you, we wish you Happy Holidays! Pretend to enjoy your shitty gift!