I Don’t Know How To List Something Online Because I’m A Dumbass

March 30th, 2012 | by Bill Burns
buy me junk!

Buy my junk!

Fargo, ND – So you got something you want to get rid of or sell eh?  These days, with the internet, it is so much easier to sell or get rid of something then it ever has before.

Everyone has a camera, every phone has a camera in it, and good quality cameras are so cheap.  So what better way to sell something then by posting an ad on the internet.  I mean, there are multiple classified ad websites you can list on and an online auction called eBay.  All you need to do is simply provide a decent sized picture, a description (this is something that describes what the fuck you are listing), and your ass is good to go, right?  Wrong.  To some people, that either makes no fucking sense or they didn’t get past the 3rd grade because mother nature hates them so much for being stupid.

Let’s start with the picture aspect of listing something online.  Here are some basics that my common sense brain will grace you with.  First off, it has to be a decent size.  This is critical so people can see what pile of shit you’re trying to pawn off on someone else.  I often see people post ads such as the one below.  It makes me want to drive my car into the front of their house.

Hey everyone! I sniff paint everyday and hit myself repeatedly in the face for fun!  As you can see below, I’ve included a really big picture of my pile of shit so you can see exactly what I’m selling! $1

 

Here is what the ad should look like.

Oh hey everyone!  My mom told me at a young age to not do a ton of drugs so I have a little common sense.  I’ve posted a picture below of a really cool post-it note that people randomly leave on my desk for some reason!  I don’t understand!  They are so silly!  Anyways, at least you can see what I’m selling!  Thanks!  $1

 

The second part of the ad is the description.  Let’s say if you took a picture of your poop.  You would probably put in the description, “I’m selling my piece of shit.”  Right?  Seems simple enough and it describes exactly what you’re selling.  Well, not simple enough for these sad excuses for humans.  Let my common sense brain grace you with my common sense again.  See my examples below.

 

Right Way

Oh hey everyone!  I just got back from the hospital!  I had a headache for so long.  They said it’s because i’ve been a dumbass for too long!  Haha!  OMG!  Anyways, below I have a piece of shit Toyota Tercel for sale.  It has 120k miles, rust all over, hardly works, and tranny is going bad.  This piece of shit is all yours for $200.

 

Wrong Way

Hi!  It’s me!  I’m a race car driver and I’m retiring my supped up Toyota Tercel.  I’ve won national championships with this and I’ve put over 15k into it!  This thing is fast!  Everything works!  This is all yours for $3,000!  Super cheap!  Must sell fast!  In EXCELLENT CONDITION!!!  RUST FREE! NEEDS NOTHING!!  I’m going to jail soon for running over marathon runners.  Silly me!  I’m such a clutz!

 

So there you go.  Now you know the basics of not being a dumbass when listing something to sell online.


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Bill grew up in one of the largest cities in the United States, Maza, North Dakota. Being a cow milker by trade, it was only after stroking thousands upon thousands of cow nipples was he able to save up enough money and move to Fargo, ND. It was here that he joined FM Observer. In his free time he enjoys carving rocking horses out of wood, healing the sick, and running marathons across oceans.