Category Archives: Local

Fargo Man to Keep Vacation Beard Going

vacation-beardFargo, ND—Local resident Qace Zombytakle has returned from a shaveless vacation, and he’s found himself relatively pleased with his resulting facial hair ensemble. So much so, he’s decided to keep rockin’ it.

“I think i’m gonna just let it hang,” says Zombytakle. The presence of mandible fur has become a welcome comfort. “Beards are kinda in right now anyway. Let’s just see where this goes.”

Zombytakle has “never let it hang down this far” before, so he’s excited about what’s to come.

Friends and co-workers are abuzz with the news of Zombytakle’s decision to render stubble. “He’s always sported a mediocre jawline. Follicle neglect should compliment the pie hole nicely,” says longtime friend Bemmen Derschitzla. “I hope it doesn’t get anyone pregnant.”

 

New Species red river Valley fair

Second New Species Discovered At The Red River Valley Fair

New Species red river Valley fairWest Fargo, ND – YesterdayDr. William Francis and his team discovered a new species at the Red River Valley Fair in under one hour.  Today, Mr. Francis and his team have done it again!

His expedition team was yet again at the Red River Valley Fair looking and searching for new species today.  After an exhausting day wandering around with no luck, it was after a team member needed to get a refreshment that they stumbled on yet another new species.

Meet Specvitualis Hiviest.  A rare species of the Adult Baby Kingdom.  It’s natural habitat is that of an urban setting.  They can most definitely be found in and around all baby strollers.

If you run into one of these animals, please allow them to nest in your baby stroller until animal control arrives.

red river valley fair new species

New Species Discovered At Red River Valley Fair

red river valley fair new species

Locusslayer Solarus

West Fargo,  ND – Scientists gather to search for new species.

Yesterday evening, Dr. William Francis and his team set out on an expedition to look for a new species of human.  A mission that took two years to put together.

“We have been surveying the Red River Valley Fair for over 20 years now.  It was time to put together an expedition.”

It didn’t take Mr. Francis and his team more than one hour to discover and document a new species.

“The new species we found is called ‘Locusslayer Solarus‘.”

They describe this animal as a nocturnal creature who survives on Bud Light, Doritos, and  World of Warcraft.

“It’s habitat is that similar to a nomad.  He moves from fair to fair when not slaying beasts in World of Warecraft.”

Mr. Francis and his team caution that the Locusslayer Solarus is a wild animal and very unpredictable.  They advise on keeping your distance and to watch them from afar.

Please click the picture to get a close up. The new species is wearing the black shirt with writing on the back.

KFGO Required To Broadcast Half In Spanish

radiotowers1PX1

Radio station HOLA

Fargo, ND – The Mighty 790 KFGO radio station will soon be required to broadcast half of its programming in Spanish.

Todas las estaciones de radio en Fargo pronto estarán obligados a proporcionar la mitad de su contenido en el idioma español.

With all the illegal aliens pouring into our country, President Obama has signed an emergency executive order to seize control of all the biggest radio stations.

Presidente Obama está tomando el control de todas las estaciones de radio de Estados Unidos y quiere que todos los extranjeros ilegales a entender lo que está pasando aquí.

All of the on-air personalities at KFGO including the entire news department will be required to become fluent in Spanish by January 1, 2017.

Todos los involucrados en los programas de radio se verá obligado a hablar español perfecto o de lo que ya no pueden estar hablando en la radio.

Thank you for your attention and have a nice day.

Este es un problema muy grave y debe ser corregido pronto.

City of Hawley to Construct Hawley-Wood Dock Of Fame

Dock of Fame prototype

Dock of Fame prototype

Hawley, MN—Taking a page from the Hollywood textbook of glitz and glamour, the city of Hawley, Minnesota will be constructing their own living, commemorative outdoor museum entitled the Hawley-Wood Dock of Fame. A gigantic, sprawling multi-level wooden boat dock made from carvings depicting various lake-related accomplishments will be built on Silver Lake as a moving tribute to those who have attained them.

The city council sees this as a fantastic opportunity to attract tourism to Hawley. Statewide fishing records and various water sport records will adorn the magnificent dock that officials hope will turn into the Hollywood Walk of Fame of the North.

Hawley Mayor Thamis Gwayrod shared his enthusiasm. “People from miles around will come see our soon-to-be historic Dock of Fame. State records like Biggest Bass, Largest Lake Trout, Wildest Walleye, Meatiest Muskie, Nastiest Northern, Highest Water Ski Jump and Most Consecutive Wakeboard Flips will all adorn our proud dock. If you build it, they will come and with a name like Hawley-Wood, who could say no?”

City officials are now taking applications from all who would like to lend their woodcarving talents to this wondrous memorial. Construction is set to begin in August.

Happy CEO

CEO Has No Idea What He’s Talking About.

Happy CEOFargo, ND – John Lovit, a local CEO of a popular medium sized company is being accused of not knowing what the hell he is talking about.

John’s days consist of meetings and then some more meetings.  In between those meetings John says he promotes ‘synergy’.

“That’s right!  Synergy!” says John.

We spoke to John and asked him how he acts as CEO.

“I really like to train and guide my employees.  Let me tell ya, there are a lot of moving parts.  Going forward we got to fix the mouse trap.  The mouse trap is very important because in my past life, the mouse trap was a show stopper.  Very level set.  Anyways, back at the ranch, you know when the rubber hits the road, we got to scale these projects and increase the workload to promote more synergy. When you’re soaring with eagles and working with turkeys, things can get done.  This isn’t my first rodeo.”

“Yea like I said, to get my employees motivated, I leverage the paradigm because I believe it’s the best practice.  I read it in a manager book once.  To increase happiness and promote more self growth, I like to think outside the box, because it’s scalable and seems to be the best practice.  The solution is to make hay.  Take it to the next level.  Ya know?”

He continued on…..

“Looks like you’re giving 115% Bill.  For team building exercises, I like bleeding-edge stuff.  To expedite the game changer, we gotta drill down and eat the frog.  Quick wins while pushing the envelope.  It’s sustainable because it hits the sweet spot.  We all need to walk the walk and walk the talk.  That’s pretty much what I do everyday.”

Employees have complained to upper management stating that they cannot do their jobs correctly because they don’t exactly know what the CEO wants.

Mr. Lovit will still fulfill his responsibilities as CEO while his employees continue to be confused by him.

Fargo Man Allegedly Renting Out Tree House

utilities: not included

utilities: not included

Fargo, ND—An area man is allegedly subletting his creaky back yard tree fort.

Neighbors are saying they’ve noticed something crawl into and out of a tree house in the back yard of South Fargo resident Sheshy Tisslancer. “I seen somethin’ back there. Ain’t sure what, but it’s either a 200-pound raccoon or a gawd-damn homus erectus,” exclaimed neighboring resident Puter Naldow.

“Sheshy’s been keeping someone up in that tree house, i’m almost positive,” said backyard neighbor Pavia Hobbernathy. “Lot of rustling going on up there that I don’t think a squirrel family would cause.”

When asked about what’s really going on in his tree house, Tisslancer stayed tight-lipped. “Nothin’, honey.”

A simple tree fort as one’s primary residence would contradict a number of FM Housing Authority bylaws. As of press time, the FMHA has not been formally notified of any violations. Stay glued to the FM Observer for updates.

fargo police

Todd Fox Arrested For Evading Police Officers

fargo policeFargo, ND – Todd Fox who was just recently arrested for Flash-Frying Entire Cow, and before that, Arrested For Clearing Snow With Flamethrower, is in the news yet again.  This time for evading police officers.

Earlier this evening, Fargo police officer Eugene Stanley had Todd Fox pulled over for unpaid parking tickets.  Fifty-two to be exact as it’s apparent, Todd Fox does not care about parking tickets.

As Mr. Stanley was approaching the vehicle, he stated Todd Fox, “took off like Michael Schumacher in a Formula One Grand Prix.  I mean, he hit the pedal hard.”

Mr. Stanley got in his vehicle and pursued Fox all over downtown Fargo.  Speeds are said to have reached 35 miles an hour.

“He just kept driving like we were not even there.  Blatantly ignoring us pretty much.  He even waved at a few bicyclists.”

Todd Fox was able to evade police temporarily as you can see in the video below.  The pursuit was caught on a security camera which was positioned on the side of a building downtown.

Todd Fox police pursuit

Fox was finally arrested later in the day and stated he was simply, “on my way to pay my parking tickets.”

Area Teen Disgusted That Substitute Teacher Isn’t Hot

West Fargo, ND—A West Fargo Middle School junior has voiced his displeasure over the alleged unfavorable physical characteristics of today’s substitute algebra teacher, Mrs. Jonisbarnmeister.

Substitute teacher Qonchy Jonisbarnmeister, at best a 3 out of 10, caught the ire of Nodd Winnials, 17, during this morning’s roll call. Winnials could be heard scoffing and making obvious fart noises as Mrs. Jonisbarnmeister recited names and when Jonisbarnmeister called out his name for roll, Winnials hastily interrupted her with a loud belching sound.

Eyewitness reports also confirm that Winnials then began slandering the substitute teacher under his breath, using carefully-crafted one-liners such as:

“Is that where the NDSU Bison got their logo?”

“Jonisbarnmeister? More like UGLYbarnMISTER.”

“Hey, who let ManBearPig out of its cage?”

“I have now decided my purpose in this life. I hereby declare that my singular reason for existence, now and forever, is to systematically eradicate undesirable humans from the face of this planet. I swear to the Gods I shall uphold this declaration or absolutely and without complaint, die trying.”

First period algebra ended without incident.

flying_baby

Surrogate Mother Repos Infant From Deadbeat Parent

Man Moves Out Of Womb After 28 YearsFargo, ND—An incident involving a member of a local surrogate mother association chapter has our community reeling. Surrogate Mothers United (SMU) Fargo branch saw one of its own taking matters into her own hands, the Observer has learned. Vatchy Lelto-Coppo, an SMU serial donor, reportedly became so fed up with the behavior of one of the branch’s infant donation recipients that she decided to take matters into her own hands.

“Bitch quit payin’ me stipend,” explained Lelto-Coppo, in between heavy drags of vape cig. “I squatted outta kid for this ratchet an’ she just shut me out. Oh hell no, nuh uh bitch.”

Lelto-Coppo is under legal jurisdiction to repossess her surrogate gift, as stated in page 204 of the SMU Donation Contract, which clearly states:

Donor shall receive no more than but no less than one skin-to-skin contact with gestation per week and/or one agreed-upon donation stipend per week, no more than four (4) times per calendar month. If recipient fails to provide either stipend or skin-to-skin for longer than four (4) times a calendar month, donor will be allowed to reclaim gestation.

When the deadbeat parent quit paying both skin-to-skin and her stipend, Lelto-Coppo became enraged and was forced to move forward with the repossession.

The deadbeat ratchet declined to comment.