Category Archives: Local

New Trans-Sexual Hair Salon Opens In Moorhead

Leave a reply
xxx

Flaire Dane is proud to be a trans-sexual.

Moorhead, MN – A brand new hair salon will soon be opening in Moorhead.

 And it’s name shall be Flaire.

It shall exclusively cater to trans–sexuals.

And it’s name shall be Flaire.

Owner, Flaire Dane, hopes to attract trans–sexuals from Madison to Miles City.

“I see Flaire as a wonderful place to connect with other beautiful trans–sexuals from around the region.” s/he says.

“And at the same time, have your hair trans–formed into a look that we shall create expecially for you, as a proud trans–sexual.”

Why Moorhead?

Flaire Dane says that Moorhead is perfect for Flaire because Moorhead is hip and quirky, just like your average trans–sexual.

What are other trans–sexuals saying about the arrival of Flaire?

Blanche Queensland said: “Because of Flaire, me and all my special trans–sexual friends will be heading to Moorhead just to hang out.”

S/he goes on: “Me see Moorhead as the Leith, ND for trans–sexuals.”

“Me see trans–sexuals from all over the country trans–porting themselves to Moorhead, and trans–forming this odd little community into the Trans–Sexual Capitol of America.”

And it’s name shall be Flaire.

Meth Revealed To Be Totally Awesome In Small Doses

Leave a reply

methFargo, ND—A recent study concludes that methamphetamine, the horribly corrosive and addictive narcotic, is said to be “totally awesome” in small doses.

Researchers at the Fargo Institute of Technology (FIT) conducted internal field studies using meth they obtained “discreetly” and have determined it can be used “sporadically” with very positive results.

“Methamphetamine, or “meth” as it is commonly called, can be synthesized using over-the-counter medications and if consumed at the proper frequency, can really energize a person, thus making them drastically happier and more productive.” FIT said in a report released today. It went on to say that “Meth is much more powerful than caffeine, and if used on an infrequent basis in a controlled environment it can and does produce overwhelmingly powerful results.”

The proper frequency is stated to be “less than once per hour, on an as-needed basis” in order to control addiction. If used in this frequency, meth is reported by FIT to be “totally fucking awesome” and “kicks ass dude you wouldn’t believe it.”

Local Cemeteries To Double As Paintball Parks

Leave a reply
Graveyards make great paintball funparks

Graveyards make great funparks

Fargo, ND – Authorities have decided to allow all local cemeteries to be used as paintball game areas. Although some citizens voiced very strong opposition to this move, the vote was unanimous to allow graveyard owners to make extra money by opening them up as paintball parks.

Other regions of the country have toyed with the idea, but the greater Fargo-Moorhead area will be the first to not only allow it, but actually encourage it.

Gene Maxling, who voted for it after he previously had voted against it, explains: “We think paintball enthusiasts from all over the nation will flock to Fargo to use our cemeteries as the ultimate paintball playgrounds.”

Connie Livingstone, who works as a city planner, says that everyone agrees that “cemeteries serve a singular function by providing a home for the dead, but these valuable acres really don’t see much action. By allowing paintball in cemeteries, it will give these wonderful areas a dual purpose.”

The president of the United States Paintball Association is ecstatic about Fargo’s recent decision. Toby Redding wrote on his blog: “We are very stoked that Fargo is opening up its graveyards to our increasingly popular sport. Having all those large headstones to hide behind will be super awesome. Once someone shoots you with a paintball, it will give new meaning to the phrase ‘You’re dead!'”

Government Shutdown Leaves Police Department Short-Staffed

Leave a reply
Rambo mode

Rambo mode

West Fargo, ND—Amidst a federal government shutdown which the GOP minority is pitifully and embarrassingly using as leverage to bully the Affordable Care Act’s initiatives/supporters into their corner, local police departments are suffering a shortage of warm bodies.

The West Fargo Police Department is especially short-staffed, as all but one officer has decided to stay home due to the freezing of budget assets.

Officer Kenneth Noisewater, in bold defiance of the government shutdown, showed up ready and rarin’ to go for his morning shift. “I may not get paid today, tomorrow, next week or next month, but i’ll be damned if i’m letting any juveniles smoke cigarettes or degenerate drunks speed down Main avenue in their rust-bucket F-150s after getting lit up at the Town Hall. Not on my watch! I’ll go Rambo on their asses if I have to.”

Noisewater stated implicitly that he’s ready to extinguish crime of all forms by himself if he needs to and that he’s “not to be jerked with” during the government shutdown. It would appear that this government shutdown is already starting to affect many people in a variety of ways.

Time To Vote For the Worst In The FM Area

Leave a reply
The worst of Fargo-Moorhead

The worst of Fargo-Moorhead

Fargo, ND – It is time once again to vote for the worst places in the Fargo-Moorhead area.

Our annual compilation of all the places you hate the most is about to begin.

Of course, we need your help in the form of votes.

There are many different categories to be decided, but remember that this is for the places that you think are the worst in each category.

 

 

 

 

Here are the categories for this year’s worst:

[form form-1]

 

Winners will be announced sometime in the distant future.

fargo gate to hell

Scientists Discover A Gate to Hell In Fargo North Dakota

Leave a reply

fargo gate to hellIn breaking news, scientists have literally discovered a gate to hell.

This fiery hole of death was found right here in a farm field north of Fargo, North Dakota.  The farmer who farms the land was doing his regular gallop to check out his crops when he noticed in the middle of the field, light coming out of a hole.  Farmer Joe got off his cow (he rides cows not horses) and walked towards the light.

“As I got closer I realized it was a fiery hole of death from hell!  I ran back to my cow and rode him home, scared, and soaking with sweat!”

Farmer Joe contacted the local authorities who in turn contacted local scientists around the Fargo/Moorhead area.  Five scientists were sent out the next day on their horses and confirmed that it actually is a legitimate gate to hell.

Could it really be?  Scientists say they are absolutely sure.  Fargo, North Dakota is a perfect spot for satan and his minions to open up a gate to hell, they say.  With winter five months out of the year and wind and rain two months out of the year, the town is filled with pain, misery, and hopeless dreams.

Is Satan and his minions planning an attack?  Using the gate to hell as a spawn point?  Or will they use it as a recruiting tool?  Or possibly a spot to sacrifice humans to please their leader?  We don’t know for sure yet.  Bill is trying to secure an interview with Satan himself but his assistants are being difficult dicks, he says.

Local authorities have blocked off all areas surrounding the hole from hell and stated they will arrest anyone who crosses the line or tries entering the hole.

Story is developing……

christian ponder

Christain Ponder To Play Kicker

Leave a reply

christian ponderMinneapolis, MN  – Exciting and unusual news coming out of the Minnesota Vikings camp this morning.  The word on the street is that Christian Ponder will give up his quarterback position to play Kicker.

Leslie Frazier confirmed the news just this morning.

“We feel Christian Ponder is a great quarterback but an even greater kicker.  That is why, as of this morning, Christian Ponder will be our full-time kicker,” Frazier stated.

I asked how this position and Ponder came about in which he replied, “After seeing him kick the ball around out of frustration during training camp, I knew he’d make a great kicker.”

Joe Webb from quarterback to wide receiver.  Christian Ponder from quarterback to kicker.  The Vikings sure have a unique drafting strategy.

Oh yea, did anyone tell Leslie Frazier his new helmets don’t match the rest of the uniform?  Who’s smoking what in Minneapolis?

At least Mr. Ponder will have a better chance of scoring as a kicker then as a quarterback.

Your Buddy Has Stuff On Couch So You Get To Crash On Floor

Leave a reply

2144160062_b772d297eaFargo, ND—After a long night of drinking, your buddy let you crash at his house the other night. Normally you’d be able to crash on the couch, but he has a bunch of junk sitting on there and he doesn’t want it moved is too drunk and lazy to move it so you get to crash on the floor with a blanket and pillow.

“Yeah, brah, just crash on the floor over there by the area rug. I’ll move that stuff tomorrow,” your buddy said as you stood there next to the couch in a drunken stupor. Then your buddy whipped a pillow and blanket in your general direction and muttered something that sounded like “See you in the morning brah.”

You ended up crashing on the floor for a few hours. Then, your half-drunk ass couldn’t take it anymore and you actually literally called a cab and went home to nurse your sore neck and back (not to mention your head-pounding hangover).

You were quoted as saying “This happens every time.”

Fargo Man Charged With Felony Stupidity For ‘Reply All’ Email

Leave a reply

Freaking-OutFargo, ND – Office Police have formally charged Mr. Kenneth Noisewater with a class A felony in stupidity after his inadvertent ‘reply all’ to a company email.

Noisewater allegedly hit the ‘reply all’ button instead of a normal ‘reply’ after a mass email requesting an attendance head count to a company BBQ was sent out. Here is a transcript of Noisewater’s boneheaded maneuver:

 

From: Kenneth Noisewater

Sent: Monday, July 23 2013

To: All Company Employees, Human Resources

Subject: Re: COMPANY BBQ

 

I will be attending the BBQ this Thrusday. Thx

–

Kenneth Noisewater, esq

 

———————————————————————————————————————————-

Wow. Not only did Kenneth hit ‘reply all’, but he also gifted the ENTIRE COMPANY with a typographical error (see: Thrusday). Doofus. Spell check much?? Not to mention the use of the selfishly abbreviated Thanks (see: Thx). I hope the Office Gestapo comes down on him hard during sentencing after he’s convicted of Felony Stupidity.