Category Archives: Local

North Dakota State University Bison

Whole Lot of Boner At The Summit League Women’s Golf Championship

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North Dakota State University BisonKELLER, Texas  – The first round of the Summit League women’s championship took place on Monday.

North Dakota State University had four golfers finish in the top ten.  Senior Amy Anderson and freshman Hailey Boner are tied for second place.  They both managed to shoot a 76.

Currently there is a three-way tie for second place with Anderson and Boner while Knutson is part of a three-way tie for fifth place.

Women’s second round play is scheduled to begin at 8 a.m. Tuesday, April 23, and the final round is slated for a 10:15 a.m. start Wednesday, April 24.

Expect to see Boner awake and ready for action bright and early Tuesday morning.  I would expect to see an even more erect and pumped Boner during the final round Wednesday, April 24th.

Boner has nothing to lose.  Boner must get the swing down if she is going to impress her competitors.  Boner should expect to put fear into her opponents by the power and accuracy of her swing.

If Boner’s swing is strong and accurate, it may just intimidate her opponents enough to forfeit.  If Boner is tired and feeling limpy then it may be a long day of golf as her competitors look to pull ahead of her.

If Boner is looking to win, Boner must not forget to wash her balls.  Boner does not want her balls dirty if she is to put them in multiple holes throughout the competition.

We are really rooting for Boner and we wish her the best.  Keep that swing strong Boner!

Bismarck KFYR News Anchor Swears On Air

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A.J Clemente and Van Tieu were reading the news when A.J Clemente lets out a nervous ‘fucking shit’ before his turn is up to read the news.  Pretty hilarious.

Apparently AJ was suspended for this.  You may contact KFYR and let them know how ridiculous they are.  Overreaction much?  Only perfect and pure people must work at KFYR who make no mistakes.  That must be it.

 

**UPDATE**
AJ has reportedly been fired for his mistake.  Seems KFYR has no problem reporting death, murder, and destruction on a daily basis but god forbid someone says fucking shit by mistake on air.  That makes a lot of sense KFYR.

 

Winter Storm Xerxes Anger & Danger

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usaApril14PM1Fargo, ND – When friendly folks in Fargo, North Dakota should be hosting garage sales and planting their gardens, Winter Storm Xerxes will be extending winter…with a vengeance.

While Tiger Woods is being assessed penalty strokes down in Georgia, another 10-14 inches of heavy, wet, back-breaking snow is about to be ushered into Fargo/Moorhead with up to 40 mph wind gusts.

Grocery and liquor stores have seen a tremendous spike in business during the calm before the arrival of Super Storm Xerxes.

Near blizzard conditions are expected to reek major havoc on the area from Sunday through Monday, which unfortunately is the last day to get taxes mailed at the Post Office. Olaf Larson at the Post Office said: “This here ain’t a real good deal with Xerxes arriving on Tax Day, for sure, don’t you know.”

City officials had been cautiously optimistic about the 2013 flood situation up until now, but with megastorm Xerxes about to come a-knocking, the upcoming flood fight could be a-rockin’ with a nightmare scenario of historically bad proportions.

Dr. Sumner Watkins with the National Climatological Institute says that: “April 17, 1881 was the previous record for reaching a temperature in the 50s (or greater), but that long-standing record will be shattered this year.” Dr. Watkins thinks it might not be until May when warmer temperatures arrive. “When they do arrive, the chances become increasingly good that Fargo could suddenly reach the 70-80 degree range and melt all the snow within a few days.”

Life jackets and kayaks could soon be in short supply as a late-season MegaBlizzard could morph into The MegaFlood. In the face of difficulty, Martin Luther King, Jr. once said: “We must build dikes of courage to hold back the flood of fear” (and the fear of flood).

Detroit Lakes Police Gotdonuts?

Does That Say What I Think It Says?

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Detroit Lakes, MN – In a sad story blooms something funny.

Valley News Live interviewed Tim Eggebraaten in what seemed to be a poor choice of location.  If you look closely behind Mr. Eggebraaten, you can see their comical sign they have up that says “gotdonuts?’

Now was this planned for shits and giggles?  Was the KVLY interviewer feeling daring and positioned him in front of the sign without his knowledge?  Was this Mr. Eggebraaten’s idea for laughs?  We may never know.

Regardless, it’s pretty funny.  Click the pictures for a better view.

 

Detroit Lakes Police Gotdonuts? Detroit Lakes Police gotdonuts?

North Dakota Milk Children

Milk for Children Approved

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In a stunning turn of events, the ND Legislature approved milk for  under-served children at milk break.

“Initially we felt these children were just out of luck, and they could just have water if their parents can’t afford milk” commented a Representative. “With a billion dollar surplus we felt budget allocations were best served in other important areas such as oil and infrastructure.

These concepts are the future. Although these remain our top priorities, we felt it was in the best interest of our hearts for these kids to have milk,” said another Representative.

Yes folks, not only did the Grinch’s heart grow two sizes so did those of the ND Legislature.

Missing Artwork Has Authorities Perplexed

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flake2439607px1Fargo, ND – A very unique piece of art by the famous Andy Warhol which was on display at the Plains Art Museum has somehow gone missing. Twas Andy Warhol who once admitted: “An artist is somebody who produces things that people don’t need to have.” Well, the Plains Art Museum needs to have it back.

The lost work, which is entitled “Eclectric Snowflake #1”, was on loan from the Andy Warhol Museum in Pittsburgh, PA. Mr. Warhol was most likely referencing his Eclectric Snowflake masterpiece when he said: “I’m afraid that if you look at a thing long enough, it loses all of its meaning.”

It might have lost its meaning after Andy stared at it too long, but it certainly has not lost its value. The going price point for this neon snowflake is estimated to be around $8.5 million.

No one knows exactly what happened to the colorful work, but investigators have reason to believe it may have been kidnapped. On this subject, Andy once thought that: “Being born is like being kidnapped. And then sold into slavery.” Whether this quote of his applies or not, investigators are looking into it and leaving no stones unturned.

The two museums have set up a joint blue-ribbon task force to actively investigate any and all leads related to the alleged theft. “We have a hunch that the thieves might have been posing as night janitors” explained Ray Sharp, the lead detective on the case, “because of the discarded janitorial clothing left on the floor, in front of where it was stolen.”

The Plains Art Museum, which certainly now has some major egg on its face, has announced a reward for finding the 6′ x 6′ artwork.

Miv Grinks, the Plains Art Museum assistant curator said that if the Eclectric Snowflake came walking down the sidewalk, you couldn’t help but  notice it. Miv is prayerfully pleading  to the holders of the snowflake to please store it at the recommended humidity and temperature levels, which she will explain, if you would call her office during normal working hours.

If you personally have any knowledge as to the where-a-bouts of the Eclectric Snowflake, please contact either of these fine museums for your possible reward. At this time, the reward package is said to be a $25 gift certificate to Happy Joe’s Pizza, two tickets to see the FM Derby Girls in action, plus a free life-time family pass to the Red River Valley Zoo.

Fargo To Legalize Pot Holes

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pothole1PM1Fargo, ND – In what some consider a bold move, the City of Fargo is highly considering legalizing pot holes and breaking with long-standing Federal Law.

Some states have recently gone the route of legalizing what many find to be a societal nuisance. After hashing it out to some late-night Pink Floyd, Fargo officials are now showing indications they might be ready to legalize the ubiquitous “problem”.

Those in favor of legalizing pot holes say their existence is just a reality of life, put here by Doctor God, and that people just need to learn to get real, and adapt their minds to reality.

They point out that since Fargo is way too busy fighting floods and mosquitoes, and because we don’t seem to be winning the war on pot holes, legalizing them is what makes the most sense to anyone who cares.

Fargo Police are totally not stoked about the idea of legalizing pot holes. These badged law enforcers argue that everyone knows that pot holes are a gate-way problem that can lead a neighborhood into deeper problems, eventually increasing crime rates and reducing property values. Officer Merv Climeworth rapped: “Show me a street with pot holes and I will show you a street with cracks, lots o’ cracks.”

The Fargo Street Department has long had a special website to allow citizens to anonymously report pot holes. Despite much supposed hard work to maintain Fargo streets, pot holes push their way to the street surfaces.

One Street Department worker mumbled: “Those darn pot holes seem to multiply like frickin weeds in the Spring. It’s crazy out there!”

His supervisor jumped in: “Ever since pot holes were demonized in the movie Pot Hole Madness, they’ve been given quite the bad rap with mucho negative connotations. Do you know what I’m saying?”

Tom Wilson once thought: “Mondays are the pot holes in the road of life” which shows the level of hatred held by at least one person toward the main subject of this article.

The last word on this whole pipe-dream of a project goes to Harry Bong who tweeted: “Everyone, just take a chill pill, man. If you don’t like ’em, just steer to swerve. Don’t pop a joint out of your shoulder socket, cuz you’re freakin out, dude!”

Fargo Weather

Hundreds of Missing Fargo Residents Found

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Fargo WeatherFargo, ND – It’s been a very cold and depressing winter season this year.

This has left hundreds of out-of-state family members worried as they haven’t heard from their loves ones who live in the Fargo tundra for quite some time.

Yesterday, neighbors all around the city have started to see their neighbors whom they haven’t seen for months, crawl, hop, roll, and gimp out of their front door unexpectedly.

One neighbor described it as something out of a horror movie.

Haven’t seen ‘ol Jim in about 4 months.  Then all of a sudden there he is in his underwear rolling himself out his front door.  Looks like he hasn’t shaved in 4 months and his underwear looked to be dirty.  He looked absolutely awful.

Jim is just one of hundreds who seem to have “hibernated” in their homes this year due to the terrible winter weather.  With warmer temperatures in the horizon, these hibernators seem to have awaken from their deep sleep.

We were able to speak to Douglas Bumble who has been hibernating in his room with five blankets and an electric heater since December 1st.  He hasn’t stepped outside since.

I don’t really know who you are but I’m hungry and I’d like to tan in the sun now please.

 

We hope they all still have their jobs and encourage them to contact their out-of-state family members as soon as they know what month it is.

The Fargo Police Department will be following up with theses hibernators and close all missing persons reports.

 

Fargodome Target Of Wacko Protest Group

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fargodomePM1

You can’t spell Fargodome without ‘God’

Fargo, ND – Well, they’re at it again! The extremist left-wing wackos that tried to ban the Ten Commandments from downtown Fargo are up to another equally fretful plot.

By using powerful empirical logic, these pseudo-Vulcans believe in complete and total separation of church and state as is prescribed by the U.S. Bill Of Rights. Any nano-violation of this cardinal sin is fair game for the omnipresent mental focus of these non-emotional agnostic brainiacs.

The next battle to be fought by the non-profit group known as the Red River Freethinkers will be over the name of the Fargodome. The word “GOD” is curiously placed exactly in the middle of “FARGODOME”  and this is apparently not acceptable, and must be changed, according to the Freethinkers.

A hooded spokesthinker for the shady freethought group explained: “Either the name of the Fargodome needs to be changed or this will make us feel isolated and uncomfortable enough that we will need to perpetually protest this blatant violation of what we think is permissible and non-permissible. We have decided that having the word ‘GOD’ in the middle of the name of a city-owned facility is egregiously offensive within the confines of the freethought dogma perspective.”

Surprised Fargodome officials say that the management group of the building, which was built on university land back in late 1992, has never been aware of the fact that “GOD” clearly sits in the middle of their huge signage. Attorney Steve Reeves declared, “Any reference to a higher power in the building’s name is totally coincidental and should not be interpreted as bridging the separation of religion and government.”

The Freethinkers continue ramping up their plans to protest this new problematic situation which will most likely add to their membership. Ironically, becoming a member of the Freethinkers is not free. The cost to join this band of freethinking practitioners is $15 for a student, $30 for an individual, and $45 for a family.

By keeping their name in the headlines and growing their clout, other issues will be able to be addressed in the future, such as: removing “In God We Trust” from all money, stopping politicians from attending church services, and ending all news coverage of Pope Frank on NPR and Public Television.

One wonders how the Freethinkers will react when they realize what word is in the middle of the name of a popular furniture store in the area: ETHAN ALLEN.

North Dakota Department of Transportation Proposing Mandatory Winter Driving Courses

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Shitsville, ND

Everywhere, ND

Bismarck, ND – The North Dakota Department of Transportation has released preliminary first-quarter car accident statistical report findings and let me tell you, the numbers are staggering.

The report shows that there has been a “buttload of single-car wrecks” during the first 3 months of 2013. It’s a very revealing statistic that seems to indicate how continually reckless our state’s drivers are.

These staggering numbers could very easily be blamed on oil patch-bound out-of-towners who have not yet been winterized (acclimated to the absolutely horrific road conditions North Dakota is mercilessly forced to endure) but NDDOT sees things differently. That is why they have initiated mandatory winter driving course legislation.

NDDOT wants to force all currently and potentially licensed ND drivers to pass a mandatory winter driving course as a part of obtaining a new license or a license renewal. The legislation is slated to budget extra money for changes to driving tests.

A driver must boss their way through an NDDOT-prepared one-mile portion of road that includes either fake snow during the summer or a real stretch of panic-inducing black-ice highway during winter in order to earn that license. Drivers who want the privilege to operate a motor vehicle in our state must prove that they are capable of operating road machinery during times of absolutely infuriating winter weather.

The likelihood of this somewhat ridiculous-but-kinda-sensible bill passing or even existing is not high. However, it must be stated that this is the same Republican legislature that decided they could override Roe vs Wade and basically claim eminent domain over a woman’s vagina, so a bill like this is not entirely that far-fetched.