Category Archives: Local

Area Mom Under Fire For Bizarre Home-Schooling Tactics

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Fargo, ND – Area mother Davia Flexano, a home-schooler, is catching a lot of flack for teaching her son Whick a slanted view of world geography. Flexano, who chose to remain nameless, is having her son learn the states from this flipped-around view of North America:

 

What the hell?

Wrong? Or just…different?

 

WTF, right? Is this really how we want an area youth to view our country? With Mexico on top??

Flexano sees things differently. “North is still north; south is south. If I send little Whicker outside to fetch the paper, does he HAVE to walk backwards? No he does not. And when you drive to Wahpeton you don’t drive backwards, now do you? I’m simply teaching the Whickster that not all things he’s shown are how they truly are.”

Others tend to disagree. Flexano neighbor Ænas Gulpmurk has a differing worldview. “Davia need to flip them maps back. America be lookin’ like a unicorn warthog. Poor Whick gonna be drivin’ backwards ‘n on the wrong side of the street ‘n whatnot. He gonna sleep on the ceiling. Gonna be all jacked up.”

What are your thoughts? Should home-schooled children be taught a curriculum that exactly matches that of public schools? Or should parental teachers feel free to immerse their children in topsy-turvy nonconformism?

 

The FM Observer Is Shutting Down. For Good.

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tombstone

Bye. Sayonara. Bon voyage. Arrivederci. Honolulu. Outie. Chow.

Fargo, ND—With a little over four years of incredibly touching amateur satire under its belt, Fargo-Moorhead’s only fake news agency is calling it quits. The FM Observer is shutting down permanently, as of this evening.

What once was a vessel for completely made-up, imaginative, sometimes thought-provoking, Absurdly Observative™ fake news articles is becoming a thing of the past. In a statement released this morning, FMO Staff bid the internet a fond farewell:

“Over the years we’ve gleefully provided the worldwide web with our own personal dose of imaginative fairy-tale news coverage. The fact that we’re fresh out of ideas coupled with an expired internet domain registry was a sign from Above that now would be the best time to pull the plug. What a ride it’s been! We couldn’t be happier with how it all turned out. Well……actually, that’s not true.  We could’ve written better articles.”

Observer staff members will soon be released back into the wild, free again to roam the forests, screaming at squirrels and conjuring Dark Spirits.

The FM Observer would like to thank our sponsors, of which there are none.

Thanks for reading! This website will self-destruct at 23:59 CST. [end]

American Thunderball Federation Holding Open Tryouts In Fargo

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The following is a paid advertisement for the American Thunderball Federation™
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It’s not a game…it’s a way of life.

 

IS D-LEAGUE SOFTBALL NOT MEAN ENOUGH FOR YOU? DID SAND VOLLEYBALL LEAGUE KICK YOU OUT FOR DOMINATING TOO HARD? DID YOU LOOK IN THE MIRROR THIS MORNING AND SEE AN UNBEATABLE SUPERGOD? THEN, DAMMIT, PLAY PRO THUNDERBALL!

THE MINNEAPOLIS-ST. PAUL BLUES EXPLOSION ? OF THE AMERICAN THUNDERBALL FEDERATION™ IS LOOKING FOR PLAYERS. ARE YOU A MEGAMAN? A KING BOSS? A FERAL ALPHA DOG? COME TO TRYOUTS AND PROVE IT!

ANDERSON SOFTBALL COMPLEX IN FARGO WILL HOST THE MAYHEM! ATF™ REPS WILL BE ON SITE TO SEE IF YOU HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO SURVIVE ON A THUNDERBALL FIELD.

NEVER HEARD OF PRO THUNDERBALL? PATHETIC! WHY DON’T YOU LOOK AT OUR SITE, THEN TAKE IN SOME ACTUAL GAME FOOTAGE!

OFFICIAL SITE: Pro Thunderball

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BRING NOTHING BUT A BRASS SET AND LEAVE YOUR FEARS IN THE TOILET. THIS SPORT ISN’T FOR THE WEAK. PREPARE TO DO BATTLE AGAINST OTHER HOPEFULS FOR A SHOT AT SUPER-STARDOM.

WHEN: June 23 & 24

WHERE: ANDERSON SOFTBALL COMPLEX

WHY: BECAUSE THUNDERBALL

REPS WILL BE THERE ALL DAY BOTH DAYS. SHOW UP, TEAR IT UP, THROW UP.  THUNDERBALL.

Project Update for the FM Diversion

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Red River

There’s been a Diversion diversion

Fargo, ND – Ralph Malph, a local busboy, informed us at the FM Observer that a huge change is coming to the controversial FM Diversion. Ralph was working his usual tables and overheard a city official discussing top secret information on the diversion project. The official said: “North Dakota is sick and tired of sending that Red River water up to those crazy Canadian loonies for free, so we are going to take advantage of the Diversion and send water to California to help with the drought. You know, do the North Dakota ‘Nice’ thing.”

worlds_longest_water_slide_pov_t

“I’m going to build a slide” – Trump

One might ask, how is ND planning on paying for something like this? Well, thanks to Ralph we have an idea. The official said: “We are going to implement a new state tax, called the “CA-ND-Y” Tax. The CA is obviously for California, and ND is for North Dakota, and the Y is why the hell are you asking?”

The experts at the FM Observer have been trying to figure out how ND plans on sending the water to California. Our guess is that they could have Donald Trump build a 1,878 mile-long water slide to send the water on over. Plus, it could be another source of revenue to pay the bills by giving kids and some adults an exciting week-long ride! For right now though, it’s just speculation, but time will tell.

City Council Rejects Counter-Terrorism Proposal

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downtown-fargo-street-scene-1

     “Turret On The Roof” starring Bette Middler. Not coming to a theater near you.

Fargo, ND – In the wake of the San Bernadino attack, Fargo city council members tossed around some rather extreme counter-terrorism tactics. 

Among those ideas discussed:

20140410__ZAA10TANK2p1

Counter-terrorism TANK

  • Tank patrol
  • Erect a big Incredible Hulk statue in front of Dempsey’s
  • Arm the homeless
  • Vacate downtown Fargo completely
  • Build a wall

The only considerable plan came from ambitious consulting firm Merryweather Security. They proposed that the city install a loaded machine gun turret on top of the Fargo Theater sign in an effort to discourage and/or swiftly eradicate illegal activity.

This proposal was bandied about, discussed at length, met with deep levels of concern and just today, finally rejected by the council.

Alternatively, South Fargo convenience store owners are said to be consulting with Merryweather independently. These owners seek drastic measures to reduce the amount of armed robberies taking place on their property.

Harpist To Serenade Downtown Fargo Valentine’s Day Patrons

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Harpist

Für Elise in A-minor, whether you like it or not

Fargo, ND—The Observer is proud to announce a special treat for downtown Fargo this Valentine’s Day! The enchanting melodies of the soon-to-be infamous Broadway Harpist will serenade street-side onlookers this weekend. Couples who walk hand-in-hand down Broadway will enjoy the ambient presence of the heavenly harp-sick-cord.

Thine own soothing harpist shalt gleefully stalk ye with romantic sound as ye walk. He shalt follow thee downeth thine street-side, plucking gently at thilst instrument of divinity. Harken as ye traveleth by foot down thy sideth walketh; thine harpist shan’t be far away.

The street-side harpist will wheel his instrument close behind those who lag, strumming delicately. His harp wood might give you a playful nudge—but it’s all right! He merely wants to provide an intimate experience for you on this, the Lover’s Holiday. Tips are greatly appreciated.

Look for the harpist on a downtown Fargo sidewalk. Thilst playing shalt commence at the fall of nigh.

Frack Lives Matter Movement Galvanizes In Western North Dakota

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caption here

Frack Lives Matter!

Williston, ND – With oil prices tumbling and jobs disappearing, western North Dakotans are channeling their frustration into a powerful, singular message: Frack Lives Matter.

Spokesperson Ole Baryll says the once booming oil fields are now standing idle, leaving only run-down man camps in their wake. “The drop in oil prices has left us frackers with a fracking disaster on our hands. We need the world to know how fracking bad it is here. Frack Lives Matter!”

In an effort to raise both awareness and money for the jobless man-campers, the Frack Lives Matter coalition will be staging a protest on Main Street in Williston at 5:00 Friday evening. In true North Dakota style, the protest will be promptly followed at 5:30 by a potluck/dance in the basement of Peace Lutheran Church.

“We’re calling the event Frackfest 2016,” says Baryll. “There will be fun games for the kids, an oil-filled dunk tank, and plenty of casseroles and Cheez-Whiz buns. The Sons of Norway will be serving up Frackfurters & beans, and Erma Johnson is in charge of the coffee. Hoppin’ Joe and The Crude Dudes take the stage at 7:00. Donations will be much appreciated. Frack Lives Matter!”

If you would like to participate in the protest, please dress warmly and bring a politely worded sign to the Town Hall parking lot at 4:30.

Fargo Man Performs Amateur Exorcism

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exorcismFargo, ND – An area man, without the help of a brave Catholic priest, has completely freed his significant other from demonic possession. Blenn Fristle, 42, was able to purge the darkest beast from within his wife Pavia by quickly skimming through the 2013 edition of Exorcism For Dummies.

“I won’t get into it too far, but chapter 4’s Scream Away The Ghost worked damn well in a pinch,” said Fristle. “It’s an easy read. You don’t gotta recite no spiritual hibbajib like they do in movies. You basically yell ‘get out of here, ghost!!’ a buncha times ’til you pass out. And, boom! The devil’s gone.”

Fristle’s wife Pavia isn’t convinced she had ever taken in an evil spirit. “I wasn’t possessed by nuthin’. Blenny just thinks i’m ‘full of the devil’ when it’s that time of the month. It weren’t no damn exorcism.”

The Observer commends Mr. Fristle for standing tall against Satan on his wife’s behalf. Exorcism For Dummies can be found at a bookstore near you.

Haunted Corn Maze Hiring 20 Children Of The Corn

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your kid?

Your kid?

Moorhead, MN—Local terror attraction Haunted Corn Maze is in search of blonde-haired, pale-faced, ghoulish children for its upcoming Children Of The Corn exhibit. Area parents, take heed: if you think your prepubescent adolescent fits the criteria of a leering horror child, have him or her line up for an audition!

Corn Maze is looking for 10-20 creeptacular grade-schoolers to wear white contacts and fill a special area of the darkened cornfield. “We’re looking for the weirdest possible small young humans,” says Maze Coordinator Xinder VinReaux. “Don’t apply unless your child is visibly troubling and carries an aura of general unease.”

VinReaux is high on standards, but easy on expectations. “All the kids have to do is stand there motionless and gawk at our patrons while the tour guide tells the story of how each child murdered his or her parents in a blind, painless rage before being excommunicated to our cornfield.”

Qualifying children will receive a year’s supply of Whizzers® and season passes to the Corn Maze.

Woman Living In Hammock Above Fargo Park

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Hammock woman tells FMO reporter to "Fuck off!"

Hammock woman tells FMO reporter to “Fuck Off!”

Fargo, ND – One of our best junior reporters (who recently attended FMO Summer Camp) somehow discovered a woman living up in a hammock in Fargo’s Lindenwood Park.

Our on-the-scene reporter cleverly asked the lady why she was there, living in a hammock?

Her reply was that she was getting set up early for the WE Fest and wanted to “grab a good spot before they all were taken.”

After our reporter kindly informed her that the WE Fest is down by Detroit Lakes and not in Fargo, the stunned hammocker became quite irate and proceeded to drop multiple F-Bombs on our staffer while madly throwing empty tunafish cans down from her high-hanging hangout.

Moral of the story: Don’t mess with the WE Festers, especially when they’re high.