Category Archives: News

Happy CEO

CEO Has No Idea What He’s Talking About.

Happy CEOFargo, ND – John Lovit, a local CEO of a popular medium sized company is being accused of not knowing what the hell he is talking about.

John’s days consist of meetings and then some more meetings.  In between those meetings John says he promotes ‘synergy’.

“That’s right!  Synergy!” says John.

We spoke to John and asked him how he acts as CEO.

“I really like to train and guide my employees.  Let me tell ya, there are a lot of moving parts.  Going forward we got to fix the mouse trap.  The mouse trap is very important because in my past life, the mouse trap was a show stopper.  Very level set.  Anyways, back at the ranch, you know when the rubber hits the road, we got to scale these projects and increase the workload to promote more synergy. When you’re soaring with eagles and working with turkeys, things can get done.  This isn’t my first rodeo.”

“Yea like I said, to get my employees motivated, I leverage the paradigm because I believe it’s the best practice.  I read it in a manager book once.  To increase happiness and promote more self growth, I like to think outside the box, because it’s scalable and seems to be the best practice.  The solution is to make hay.  Take it to the next level.  Ya know?”

He continued on…..

“Looks like you’re giving 115% Bill.  For team building exercises, I like bleeding-edge stuff.  To expedite the game changer, we gotta drill down and eat the frog.  Quick wins while pushing the envelope.  It’s sustainable because it hits the sweet spot.  We all need to walk the walk and walk the talk.  That’s pretty much what I do everyday.”

Employees have complained to upper management stating that they cannot do their jobs correctly because they don’t exactly know what the CEO wants.

Mr. Lovit will still fulfill his responsibilities as CEO while his employees continue to be confused by him.

Fargo Man Allegedly Renting Out Tree House

utilities: not included

utilities: not included

Fargo, ND—An area man is allegedly subletting his creaky back yard tree fort.

Neighbors are saying they’ve noticed something crawl into and out of a tree house in the back yard of South Fargo resident Sheshy Tisslancer. “I seen somethin’ back there. Ain’t sure what, but it’s either a 200-pound raccoon or a gawd-damn homus erectus,” exclaimed neighboring resident Puter Naldow.

“Sheshy’s been keeping someone up in that tree house, i’m almost positive,” said backyard neighbor Pavia Hobbernathy. “Lot of rustling going on up there that I don’t think a squirrel family would cause.”

When asked about what’s really going on in his tree house, Tisslancer stayed tight-lipped. “Nothin’, honey.”

A simple tree fort as one’s primary residence would contradict a number of FM Housing Authority bylaws. As of press time, the FMHA has not been formally notified of any violations. Stay glued to the FM Observer for updates.

fargo police

Todd Fox Arrested For Evading Police Officers

fargo policeFargo, ND – Todd Fox who was just recently arrested for Flash-Frying Entire Cow, and before that, Arrested For Clearing Snow With Flamethrower, is in the news yet again.  This time for evading police officers.

Earlier this evening, Fargo police officer Eugene Stanley had Todd Fox pulled over for unpaid parking tickets.  Fifty-two to be exact as it’s apparent, Todd Fox does not care about parking tickets.

As Mr. Stanley was approaching the vehicle, he stated Todd Fox, “took off like Michael Schumacher in a Formula One Grand Prix.  I mean, he hit the pedal hard.”

Mr. Stanley got in his vehicle and pursued Fox all over downtown Fargo.  Speeds are said to have reached 35 miles an hour.

“He just kept driving like we were not even there.  Blatantly ignoring us pretty much.  He even waved at a few bicyclists.”

Todd Fox was able to evade police temporarily as you can see in the video below.  The pursuit was caught on a security camera which was positioned on the side of a building downtown.

Todd Fox police pursuit

Fox was finally arrested later in the day and stated he was simply, “on my way to pay my parking tickets.”

Area Teen Disgusted That Substitute Teacher Isn’t Hot

West Fargo, ND—A West Fargo Middle School junior has voiced his displeasure over the alleged unfavorable physical characteristics of today’s substitute algebra teacher, Mrs. Jonisbarnmeister.

Substitute teacher Qonchy Jonisbarnmeister, at best a 3 out of 10, caught the ire of Nodd Winnials, 17, during this morning’s roll call. Winnials could be heard scoffing and making obvious fart noises as Mrs. Jonisbarnmeister recited names and when Jonisbarnmeister called out his name for roll, Winnials hastily interrupted her with a loud belching sound.

Eyewitness reports also confirm that Winnials then began slandering the substitute teacher under his breath, using carefully-crafted one-liners such as:

“Is that where the NDSU Bison got their logo?”

“Jonisbarnmeister? More like UGLYbarnMISTER.”

“Hey, who let ManBearPig out of its cage?”

“I have now decided my purpose in this life. I hereby declare that my singular reason for existence, now and forever, is to systematically eradicate undesirable humans from the face of this planet. I swear to the Gods I shall uphold this declaration or absolutely and without complaint, die trying.”

First period algebra ended without incident.

ufc fight night 44

Fox News Reporter Asks MMA Fighter Some Odd Questions

ufc fight night 44
San Antonio, TX – UFC Fight Night 44 is in the books.  It was a decent event with good matches.  After the main match between Cub Swanson and Jeremy Stephens, UFC reporter Heidi had a chance to speak with the loser, Jeremy Stephens.  Here are some of her rather odd questions.

 

“How did it feel when you got hit in the face repeatedly?”

“Does it hurt to get kneed in the stomach?”

“What could you have done to get hit less?”

“That very large bump on your face, is it uncomfortable?”

“You got kicked in the leg a bunch of times, why?”

Was it the punch straight to the nose or the liver that hurt the worst?

Why are you crying?

You are sweating.  Was it a hard match?

Why didn’t you just get up at the end of the match there? Were you hurt?

 

Without these hard hitting questions there is no way of getting to know what it’s actually like being a ufc fighter.  We are glad this reporter asked the most important question in order to get a better understanding of the sport.

 WWhWe

Koi Ponds Provide Hungry Families With Unlimited Fish

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Don’t need to be koi Roy, just get yourself free.

Fishtrap, Kentucky – Vegetable gardens are a great way for budget-conscious families to reduce their food costs, which have been on the rise lately due to increasing governmental regulations.

Another great way to save money, and which is quickly gaining popularity around the country, is to build your own koi pond.

Koi are Japanese carp which are known for their beauty and taste.

“Having your very own koi pond in your backyard is a wonderful idea” says Ms. Sue Dohnim, president of the National Carp Foundation. “If you have a well-stocked koi pond, you are smart. If you don’t, you’re stupid.”

Just imagine being able to go out and fish for fish for dinner. And there are so many different ways to prepare the slimy suckers: carp cakes, carp salad, carp sandwich, carp in beer, deep fried carp chips, poached carp, pickled carp, carp gumbo, steamed carp, carp fries, grilled cheese carp, buttermilk carpjacks, carp chowder, carp burgers, sweet and sour carp, carpsicles, spicy cold carp soup, serbian carp, baked carp, carp sausage, carp milkshakes, river carp tacos, northern carp stew, southern carpuppies, eastern carp sushi rolls, and midwest carp casserole.

If that’s not enough to make you hungry, try fasting for three days and then walking by your neighbors backyard after they just finished stocking their brand new koi pond with twenty multi-colored koi fish.

For more information on building your own koi pond, call 1-800-KOI-POND, or simply click on healthcare.gov and ask to speak with a convicted navigator.

flying_baby

Surrogate Mother Repos Infant From Deadbeat Parent

Man Moves Out Of Womb After 28 YearsFargo, ND—An incident involving a member of a local surrogate mother association chapter has our community reeling. Surrogate Mothers United (SMU) Fargo branch saw one of its own taking matters into her own hands, the Observer has learned. Vatchy Lelto-Coppo, an SMU serial donor, reportedly became so fed up with the behavior of one of the branch’s infant donation recipients that she decided to take matters into her own hands.

“Bitch quit payin’ me stipend,” explained Lelto-Coppo, in between heavy drags of vape cig. “I squatted outta kid for this ratchet an’ she just shut me out. Oh hell no, nuh uh bitch.”

Lelto-Coppo is under legal jurisdiction to repossess her surrogate gift, as stated in page 204 of the SMU Donation Contract, which clearly states:

Donor shall receive no more than but no less than one skin-to-skin contact with gestation per week and/or one agreed-upon donation stipend per week, no more than four (4) times per calendar month. If recipient fails to provide either stipend or skin-to-skin for longer than four (4) times a calendar month, donor will be allowed to reclaim gestation.

When the deadbeat parent quit paying both skin-to-skin and her stipend, Lelto-Coppo became enraged and was forced to move forward with the repossession.

The deadbeat ratchet declined to comment.

Blarney Stone Pub West Fargo

New Blarney Stone In Trouble Over Public Urination

Blarney Stone Pub West FargoWest Fargo, ND – The New Blarney Stone is in trouble already after two patrons decided to whip out their ding dongs right there in the parking lot.

What they didn’t realize is that their ding dongs were in full view to all students outside at Cheney Middle School.

Tim Smith, 32, and James Blikart, 33 were arrested for urinating in public, public intoxication, and indecent exposure.

Lord knows what those kids saw.  Some won’t even talk.

But now the question remains, was it such a good idea to put a bar right across from a school full of children?  Did the city of West Fargo make a good decision on allowing this location?

Please post your thoughts below.  We hit the news hard!

ND Leaders To Tribal Councils: Please Stop Doing Rain Dances

Dancing For The Rain

Dancin’ in the rain

Fargo, ND – With standing water in ditches and mosquitos breeding fast in waterlogged North Dakota, state and city leaders are urging Native American communities to cease practicing their ritual rain dances until further notice.

“We’re beyond soaked,” said Representative Flo Anderson. “Our state and our citizens desperately need a break from the downpours. All we’re asking is for the tribes to start doing some other kind of dancing until we can dry out a little. Sun dances. Wind dances. Break dances. Anything but rain dances. Folks are tired.”

One especially problematic issue is the growing frequency of “Splash Mobs” within the state. Organized via social media, these large groups of tribal rain dancers are spontaneously popping up all over North Dakota. The results are wreaking havoc on regional weather patterns.

According to Vern Drencher of the National Weather Service, “The collective power of the Splash Mob creates meganimbus events unlike anything we’ve seen before, dropping 6 to 8 inches of precipitation in under an hour. We’ve been monitoring this phenomenon in the Spirit Lake area for some time. However, the Native American youth are taking it to a whole new level. And that spells W-E-T for you and me.”

The FMO caught up with tribal spokesman, Jeremiah Raincloud, who, after listening to this story, smiled, tipped his hat to us, and said absolutely nothing.

Winning Powerball Lottery Ticket Being Sought In Knoxville Landfill

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One piece of paper worth millions in and amongst millions of pieces of paper.

Knoxville, TN – The lucky person who purchased the winning Powerball ticket worth an estimated $259.8 million believes that she may have accidentally lost the winning ticket in her kitchen garbage bag which is most likely now in the Knoxville community landfill.

On the night of the drawing, Mrs. Ina Pickle noticed that her one Powerball ticket matched all of the Powerball numbers that were reported on the late local evening newscast in her Knoxville area on Wednesday, June 11.

Before going to bed, she had safely put the winning ticket on her kitchen counter over by the trash bin.

Early the next morning, she quickly ran to put out her garbage for the approaching garbage truck workers.

About an hour later after some coffee, she realized that the winning Powerball ticket must have blown into the trash because the kitchen window had been left slightly ajar during the night.

Mrs. Ina Pickle, along with several hundreds of other people from the region, are now reportedly madly searching through all of the garbage in the massive Knoxville landfill for a chance to find that winning unsigned Powerball ticket.

Officials from the Tennessee Lottery say that whoever finds that winning Powerball ticket and brings it to their main offices will have their choice of the full annuity amount or the lump-sum pre-tax amount of $153,000,000.